DP dreamt he was in heaven with

[buzzardbuzzard]

D fiancée woke up this morning and said, I had a dream I was in a heaven like paradise last night and do you know how I knew I was there?, because (insert our mutual friends name here) was there too. I felt a bit offended by this. He used to go out with this woman (our mutual friend) many many years ago for a very brief period.
All day I've felt a bit miffed by this can't seem to get out of this, worried he might hold a torch for her.
Am I being silly?
Feel like giving him a taste of his medicine and doing something to make him feel a bit jealous.

I agree with Lweji that by saying 'I'm not perfect', you're opening the door to more crap. You are not to blame but 'I'm not perfect' lets him know that he can say these horrible things - and I'm convinced they are on purpose and designed to reduce your confidence - and he can get away with it.

This is how emotional abuse starts I'm afraid. Gradual chipping away at your self-esteem, pushing things a little bit further each time, finding the little chinks in your armour, the sensitive buttons to push and make you feel bad..... pretending to be sorry but feeling anything but.

Horrible

So his idea of heaven is being with his ex? Lovely.

Hahahahaha, sorry but this is hilarious!

He's been a total arse, but is a) completely unaware of it and b) probably had absolutely no intention of being one.

The only solution is to make his life a misery for at least a couple of weeks over it. Its the only way we learn. It'll also be handy to have in the arsenal to drag up whenever he's pissing you off.

hahahahahah, brilliant.

God, blokes say the dumbest things sometimes!

I would make a joke of it and try to get him to see the insensitivity through (gentle) humour.

Outside of these incidents, is your fiancee a bit emotionally stunted, as in inexperienced with women and dorky and says things unthinkingly without malice? Not that that is particularly attractive in a man but at least less sinister than grooming you for emotional abuse.

Are there any other incidents where he made you feel bad about yourself?

He does say things which are out of place quite a lot. I am erring on the side of giving him the benefit of the doubt. I does alarm me somewhat that I need to tell him not to tell me about these things.I would never tell him music I've had sex to. It's just weird that he would think this is okay.
I think he deserves a chance but I do need to spend some time alone thinking about stuff for a couple of weeks,getting back to me and gaining perspective.

You seem pretty clear-headed about it and I'm glad you realise you're giving him the benefit of the doubt quite a lot. You're right, you shouldn't have to tell an intelligent adult that it is crass and insensitive to mention former lovers. If he's not 'dumb' or 'emotionally stunted' or any of these other excuses then you have to consider that he may simply be rather cruel.

Thanks Cogito, I do respect your opinion a lot. You have helped me in the past.

I agree that when someone says they're not perfect, that it can be used as an excuse for bad behaviour. I acknowledged that I am not perfect to him, meaning that I can't 100% promise that I wont say or do anything to upset or hurt him over our life times.

What I am concerned with is the motive behind these comments, he thinks I have lots of rules that he is learning which I believe everyone should have. I refuted this and told him that I am just ensuring that we both share the fundamental core value of fidelity and everything which that entails, he said he is very sure he does.

I told him that I am an individual and everyone has different things which hurt them, sore spots etc and if I didn't tell him then how would he be able to adapt his behaviour in order not to hurt me in the future?
He told me that he doesn't need to be told not to hurt me because all he is interested in is loving me which should produce favourable experiences between us.

We'll see.

I'm all walled up in the heart department for now, hopefully he will give me cause to defrost so I can get on with enjoying my engagement.

How old is he?

N/ced for this

I think your boyfriend is being unnecessarily cruel.

I was with someone like this and in the end they almost had me wearing a blonde wig uring sex because 'in all honesty' 'just being honest' he let me know that he much preferred blonde women, esp. prostitutes he had had sex with in his early twenties.

That was the tipping point for me- but it had all started with little comments about other women, some raunchy dream he'd had about one of my friends, and similar. He was so clueless and sweet and HONEST, you see.

Fucking creep.

Now, two afternoons ago, I had a nap and had the most unexpectedly beautiful dream about a colleague I fancy a bit. He was just charming and kind in the dream and told me it was a shame I was married but there was nothing we could do about it. Maybe in the next life. He then kissed me on the forehead, smiled meltingly and walked off.

I was transported and woke up in the most wonderful mood, as if I'd been blessed.

Did I tell my cherished, far more handsome and devoted and here-with-me-every-day father of my child this? Did I FUCK. In fact, I just namedchanged to hopefully prevent him from ever finding this out.

If you love someone, you retain the right to a private inner life, but with that comes the obligation not to burden your loved one with all your innermost thoughts, some of which they most certainly don't need to hear.

Thanks for that allido, it sounds similar. I am worried as I am more than ready to commit to him if it were certain that he would choose his words more carefully.
I too have the odd dream about an ex or whatever but I would never think to tell him. Funnily enough last night I dreamt that DP and I were doing a paper-round in my car and I accidentally reversed into a deep muddy pond, my car sank and I somehow got out leaving him behind me. In the dream he had escaped too but we went our separate ways. I do think dreams can be meaningful sometimes.
He is in his forties.

Buzzard: Dreams can be very meaningful.

I think the paper round represents everyday life.
The deep muddy pond obviously means 'sinking into the shit'.

I think you have worked out the answer to your situation.

Best wishes to you and your new life without 'D' fiancee.