Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP dreamt he was in heaven with

62 replies

buzzardbuzzard · 24/04/2014 11:21

D fiancée woke up this morning and said, I had a dream I was in a heaven like paradise last night and do you know how I knew I was there?, because (insert our mutual friends name here) was there too. I felt a bit offended by this. He used to go out with this woman (our mutual friend) many many years ago for a very brief period.
All day I've felt a bit miffed by this can't seem to get out of this, worried he might hold a torch for her.
Am I being silly?
Feel like giving him a taste of his medicine and doing something to make him feel a bit jealous.

OP posts:
Original poster
buzzardbuzzard · 25/04/2014 21:45

Last night when we went to bed he said that he felt very disconnected from me and he was sorry I said that it was probably coming from me because when he said what he'd said yesterday morning I felt like I'd woken up to being punched in the face and hadn't yet recovered.

I said if he dreams about other women again could he at least have the sensitivity not to tell me about it.

He apologised and said that he meant it in a spiritual way not in an attraction way. I just said that he used to say things like this all the time early in our relationship but hasn't done for a long time now and I felt a bit knocked off my perch by it. He said he was sorry again.

Thanks for your responses. I still feel a bit hurt but there's not much I can do.

OP posts:
Lweji · 25/04/2014 21:51

Why should it be in a spiritual way? Is she religious or particularly spiritual? Sounds a bit like an excuse.

And it's interesting that he used to say those things early in your relationship. Why did it stop? Did you call him on it?

Finally, there is always something you can do. If you are not happy, you can always walk away. Better now than after getting married or having children.

lavenderhoney · 25/04/2014 21:51

Spiritual? Wtf does that mean? I think that would annoy me more, tbh.

He knows he's upset you and if he used to do it, that's worse, isn't it? Is he getting cold feet, do you think? You sound as if you might be. Has he or you told your friend if his spiritual dreams? Do you both see much of her? She could be totally unaware and moved on, so don't panic! But I would be wondering if it were me.

Lweji · 25/04/2014 21:52

I wouldn't worry so much about this particular woman, but more at his need to say such things to you.

Cabrinha · 26/04/2014 00:11

Spiritual my arse.
Of course there's something you can do - you can tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
buzzardbuzzard · 26/04/2014 09:10

I think it was insensitive, I told him this and he apolagised but I want to be sure Im entering into a marriage where I am emotionaly safe. I used to think when he made this kind of comment in the past, that his boundaries were fucked but I didn't have to put up with it and have heaps going for me if He wasn't willing to be part of water tight fidelity. Now we're getting married and will have children in a few years I ferl really wretched when this kind of thing happens.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 26/04/2014 19:13

Have you actually got a date set?
It's up to you of course whether you give him a chance to prove that he understands how bad it was, is genuinely sorry, and stay with him.
But don't marry a man who makes you feel "wretched".
Seriously - I don't understand people calling this "insensitive" - which makes it sound accidental, unthinking. It was deliberate. Nobody accidentally tells their partner that a former partner makes their heaven. Bloody hell. And the spiritual crap?
Makes it even worse. If he said "it'd be heaven with her cos she's fit" that'd be bad. But spiritual? So - a deep personal connection type situation?
Fuck that.

Lweji · 26/04/2014 19:19

To be honest, this sounds like the type of man who will make you feel undesired after you've had a baby. Who will slowly dig into your self-confidence.
And you will feel it the worst if/when you will be dependent on him or you won't want to leave the relationship.

This is the time to wait and evaluate him carefully.

If you go ahead, be careful to leave a door open.

lavenderhoney · 26/04/2014 19:24

I too would be extremely cautious.

Make sue you keep everything separate for the first 5 years at least financially and you say you've heaps going for you? What do you mean by that?

Shouldn't being married to him make things better not worse for you?

myroomisatip · 26/04/2014 20:46

You say 'this kind of thing' so I guess this is not the first comment he has made that has upset you? What else has he said?

FWIW my Ex was the same :( It is very damaging OP. I had a breakdown before I left. When it is only the odd comment and subtle, it takes a long time to reach its full effect, but it does, eventually. Death by 1000 cuts.

Original poster
buzzardbuzzard · 27/04/2014 00:02

He's said a lot of things which have upset me I was playing a cd nick drake pink moon which I love and he said ahh my dayghter was concieved to this album.
It really hurt me, I have a fantastic rl with the mother if his child the least he could do is be sensitive. I would never tell him that I Used to play certain songs when havinf sex with any of my exes.
Doesnt sound good does it :(

OP posts:
Lweji · 27/04/2014 08:26

No, sorry. :(

Cabrinha · 27/04/2014 08:39

He's a shit. That's a MASSIVE red flag.
He's deliberately being cruel.
Why are you with him?
If it's because you "love him" have a think about how you can be in love with someone who wants to hurt you.
Then dump his sorry arse.
You had a dream about heaven, and you knew it was heaven because you were HAPPY. Oh - and he wasn't there.

subtleplansarehereagain · 27/04/2014 08:48

He sounds awful. It's one thing to be a bit tactless but this is deliberate, reminding you of other women he's been involved with.

Why not dump him and find a partner who will care for your feelings and not deliberatey belittle you?

Spiritual my arse. What a knob.

lavenderhoney · 27/04/2014 09:28

He's a cruel man. He has now ruined your music for you. He knows you will always wonder if he's been dreaming as well.

Its such small things and could be overlooked, but now you are aware and hearing him, iyswim.

Do you want to marry him?

aujordoui · 27/04/2014 10:34

Cruel of him to tell you about it. Seems like he has an agenda.

RedRoom · 27/04/2014 11:37

"He's said a lot of things which have upset me I was playing a cd nick drake pink moon which I love and he said ahh my dayghter was concieved to this album."

Unbelievably insensitive. Why on earth would you tell anyone that? It also smacks of immature boating. I'm sure most of us have had sex to certain songs, but would never, ever hurt our partners by saying that the songs remind us of shagging our exes. He sounds like an idiot tbh.

myroomisatip · 27/04/2014 11:45

He will, IMO, destroy your confidence and your self esteem.

When you love and respect someone you absolutely do not make comments like that. A one off, stupid and insensitive remark can be pulled up on but if he is saying lots of things like that you will end up running yourself ragged to keep him happy and live up to some impossible ideal. Bin him.

Original poster
buzzardbuzzard · 27/04/2014 21:25

Thanks everyone, I have had a big chat with him again, he said sorry and there was no malice behind these comments. I said that I know I can not continue in a life where my man speaks to me in this way and he said he would try to get better and be more considerate with his speech. We both acknowledged that we're not perfect but I will be keeping my eyes wide open to this nonsence in the future thanks for your help.

OP posts:
FabULouse · 27/04/2014 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

subtleplansarehereagain · 28/04/2014 06:51

Did he explain why his idea of heaven is another woman, instead of you?

mummytime · 28/04/2014 07:07

How far are you towards the wedding? Please think about putting the brakes on hard for a bit, at the very least. Do things without him. Give yourself time to think and be yourself.

Why did he and his DD's mother split? What does she say?

I wouldn't talk to him about it for a while, just observe and think for yourself.

Do not let yourself be railroaded into marriage.

MistressDeeCee · 28/04/2014 07:23

I also think he's being nasty. Fine if he shared his dream but we all know what sensitivity is and he is being insensitive and disrespectful. He simply didn't have add on the part about this woman being there, and I feel he knew you wouldn't feel very happy once he'd told you. There are people who are just mean. They say hurtful things and if you call them out on it they're wide eyed and innocent 'oh, I didn't mean it'. They do mean it tho, and that kind of thing can often happen more and more, and wear you down. Would he brush it off if you told him you'd had a dream about being in heaven/paradise with a bloke you knew and used to date? Proceed with caution, I think. Whilst it doesn't seem a big thing really, sometimes its a sign of a person who gets off on belittling another. & you don't want to be landed with one of those.

myroomisatip · 28/04/2014 07:54

I agre with the pp. my Ex was exactly like that. Claiming it was just a joke etc.

He shouldn't have to be careful of his remarks OP. His idea of heaven with his Ex speaks volumes. Please, at least postpone the wedding. I don't believe this man will make you happy.

Lweji · 28/04/2014 10:23

Why did you acknowledge you were not perfect when discussing this issue? Hmm

Swipe left for the next trending thread