Husband left. Had new woman two weeks later. Struggling with the pain. Do these rebound relationships last?

[MirandaIV]

My husband left me on Jan 18th after months of moodiness and meanness interspersed with still making love regularly and being loving and affectionate right up til the day he left after lucking a big fight with me over nothing when we were out to dinner.
He spent the first two weeks saying he was coming back after some time to get his head together and sent me voice messages begging me to take him back. (I said only if he agreed to counselling).
After two weeks everything changed and he went hard and cold. He lied for another six weeks about the other woman, but I found out from his phone bill. The first calls and texts to her started on Feb 3rd.
I asked three times about whether there was anyone else and he lied to my face and promised to tell me if there was one. He also let me snuggle up on his knee and beg him to give me another chance whilst I was crying my eyes out and all the time he was seeing her. In addition until I found out, he said he might still come back for me after six months or so, but that I wasn't to wait for him as it wasn't fair.
The problem is that I am so upset and angry that I can't move on. I cry every day and although I am trying so hard to get on with my life, I am obsessed with him and his mistress. I know nothing about her and it is torture as I feel it would help me if she was unattractive as I wouldn't feel such thrown away trash.
I meet people every day and go for walks and play tennis and go running etc. I've even been on dates and joined social dining groups, but I am so lonely when I'm not doing anything. My children all left home this year too and so I am totally alone for the first time for years and I'm fifty!
I just can't ear that I'm still suffering so much and he is so happy and 'in love' (he kindly told me that). He is also being absolutely vile to me about divorce stuff and has changed his phone number and email so the only way I can contact him is via his horrible mother who apparently says she's going to report me to the police for sending emails via her. (I am talking about a few emails relating to finances and him picking up his tools which he has left at my house).
Please tell me this gets better and that I will meet a man again that I can trust one day and won't be alone for ever. He was the love of my life and I was supposed to be his. We were together six years but only married for two and a half (anniversary soon).
Looking back he had loads of red flags, ie he was deserted by his mother as a child, had no friends, no hobbies, deserted his own child and was an intensive romantic, wooing me off my feet within weeks as he has clearly done with this woman. But knowing why doesn't help my pain.
Also please tell me his new relationship will end in disaster and he will end up alone and miserable!

Hi Miranda

I found what made it easier for me was the clarity I gained over the weeks after I'd got to the point you are at now.

Initially, I couldn't eat - I had no appetite and if I forced myself I was often sick; I had panic attacks; I couldn't leave the house; I had an absolute nightmare trying to get my children to school (because of my inability to think straight, because the youngest acted out her pain, because the eldest was worried and didn't want to leave me... but as long as their dad was happy and in love... right..? )

I have no family; at the time, no friends either; and there's a limit to how much I felt I could lean on neighbours who were little more than strangers I said hello to. I cried in Sainsbury's, I cried on the school receptionists, I cried on the leader of one of my children's activities...

But once this particular situation had started to calm down (seperated end of Oct, started to feel better middle of Jan) I found that I started to improve quite quickly.

Doing lots of practical things helped - sorting out bills etc so they were only in my name; taking control over aspects of my life that either, he'd been in control of or I'd just been quite passive in.

I started new activities and hobbies, made loads of new friends and there was absolutely no way I'd have ever considered taking him back.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend this, but it worked for me. I set up an online dating account. My photos were 'attractive' but showed me as I really look, they weren't great photos. And I was honest, but positive, about myself in my profile. I didn't want to get loads of interest or responses, I just wondered if anyone would be attracted to the real, unpolished me. And they were. Not loads of men, but I don't want loads of men. I just wanted to know if anyone would ever like me as I am.

Anyway, I've been seeing someone new for around 6 months. I have no idea how long it will last, but he tells me that he fancies me, loves me very much and that I'm the most beautiful woman he's met in a very long time.

I don't think it matters whether your husband met another woman before or after you seperated. Knowing that isn't really going to make any difference to how you manage your feelings now.

It does get better, but you do have to be proactive about it. I know people who have sat and 'moped' for years after a relationship has broken down. Good luck

Six years with this man, who you describe as an intensive romantic, wooing me off my feet within weeks and he has now dumped you.

His new partner may not have been around pre- break up in fact if he romanced you so speedily what's to say he hasn't employed the same M.O.?

I am sorry you have experienced this and please excuse me saying so but it doesn't look to me like he will return.

I think over time you will conclude that even if he did roll up again like a bad penny you couldn't ever trust him again. He won't be that person with whom you had that heady amour fou - by his actions not yours he broke everything between you.

I am married and at 51 I have had an empty nest during term time since last autumn. That's not anything like your circumstances I realise. I am not trying to say I know what you are going through because I haven't been in your situation. But if you read these pages many women of a certain age find themselves at a crossroads and have to reconstruct their lives. In a way you are going through a kind of bereavement. Again not completely analogous but it seems to me when in pain you can't take shortcuts. This is an awful debilitating time but it will get better.

You're already making strides, going out. It must feel like a slog but keep at it.

Those aspects you mentioned that were red flags - hindsight is of course a wonderful thing - would you recognise them as such another time?

Build up your self-esteem again, get that radar working before attempting any 'rebound' of your own.

Your DCs may have left home but they won't have deserted you.

Keep posting OP good luck.

There's no fairy tale in which the princess falls in love with an illiterate bricklayer who has no interests and buggers off with someone else...

Realistically speaking - I think you fantasised this relationship to be something that it was not, and it would have fallen apart at some point, irrespective of an other woman.

He's a rescue dog that ran off, there are many other stray dogs out there needing a home...

Moving on to someone so quickly and being "in love" shows that he uses people as an extension of himself. This isn't "love" it's loving the way someone makes you feel, loving them for what they do to you. Men like this are often very clingy and loving with their partners but can turn it off just as quickly as they turned it on.

This is so true! My exP met someone 3 weeks after we split and 7 weeks later they were living together. Will never, ever get my head around that!! How can someone do that!

I'd break all contact with him and get on with your life!

Folkgirl, your post was really useful and helpful thank you. I am pretty much following what you did, so hope for similar progress. I am being very proactive but sometimes it is hard and I get overwhelmed with exhaustion and hopelessness. It is generally getting better though.
Did you split up in Oct 2012 or 2013? I am trying to work out how long it was before you met your new man. Did you see many more in between? How soon did you start dating?
Minion thank you for your very wise and kind words, so intuitive and intelligent and Erich and Alpha and Miniature.
I am in the middle of reading 'women who love too much' and it does describe me. So I am learning. I am also working on recognising red flags in future relationships.
To others, I don't care if the woman was there before or not, the damage is done. I have no intention of letting him come back, so whether he wants to or not is irrelevant. He has revealed himself as a needy shallow selfish self-centred idiot, who ran as soon as he wasn't getting his (possibly narcissistic) attention. Sadly, I just want him to experience some of the unhappiness that he has inflicted in me. This is stupid though as I have no way of knowing how blissful or otherwise his relationship is, unless he tries to tell me in the future. For now I shall just assume they are still together and continue no contact.

You will be fine, OP. You definitely have your head screwed on ok. Good luck

MirandaIV, your story, and husband, are very similar to mine. I will post later as I am going out. Just wanted to send a hug x

Miranda No problem

We split up October 2012. His affair came to light 2 weeks after my dad died. Classy... I woke up one day in mid January feeling able to start to sort things out, and so I did.

I set up a profile on Match in May with absolutely no intention of doing anything other than looking to see whether there were any men I could one day be interested in. Like you, I felt great when I was doing stuff, but as soon as I was alone, things felt very bleak and I still didn't really have any friends. The loneliness in the evenings when my children were in bed was horrible. It still is sometimes...

Then I subscribed to Match at the beginning of July. Really only because I thought it might be a nice way to spend the evenings - chatting/emailing and maybe meeting up for a drink. I wasn't thinking of meeting anyone or dating or a boyfriend or relationships or anything. But I did want to know if I was hideously ugly with no hope of ever been found attractive again.

I decided I just wanted to practice going on a date, practice flirting, practice being attractive and being found attractive. After all, I'd been with my husband for 13 years and felt very out of practice!

I chatted with a few men. I don't have any real horror stories - a couple of amusing anecdotes for the pub, but nothing else. I saw most men once or twice. I did see a couple of men for about 5 weeks but there was no talk of exclusivity. I met 10 men altogether. But it did mean that over the summer and through the autumn, if I was on my own and I wanted a night out, I could have one. I met some interesting men that I'd never have met otherwise. I went to places I'd never have gone to otherwise and I have some lovely memories of some really nice evenings/daytimes/experiences/places/people... I got a lot better at being on a date and started to enjoy them rather than dread them! I think that people who do online dating looking to meet their future husband are often disappointed. But if you approach it almost as a hobby, then it's pretty good fun.

I started chatting to a really nice man at the end of August. I didn't meet him until November (which was much longer than I'd normally have left it) and we just hit it off. He's attractive, very sexy, and he makes me laugh. He seems to feel the same way about me...

Obviously, it's very early days for you and I wouldn't recommend it yet, but just to let you know you're only 50, your children are grown up so you don't have restrictions there...

This is the start of the next chapter in your life. It could be amazing...

OP, on a positive note. Im 51 and just starting out on my "new chapter" Im now happier than I have ever been. My son is nearly 17 and a wonderful young man.

Post menopause....

Im very independent
I no longer have to mate to have a child
I do exactly what "I" want to do
I date, I have relationships that last a while but have "chosen" to dump some due to them not giving me what "I" want

This is truly the best time of my life, we aren't here for that long and when I'm old and grey in my rocking chair I will have many a laugh at this chapter more than any....

good for you, Tinks

Good for the over 50's I say! [apologies if I sounded glib AF] It is the start of a fantastic chapter.

Thank you for your story Folkgirl. It gives me some hope.
I am really struggling tonight. I went to the dinner and cried all the way home with self pity about why had this happened to me and what did I do to deserve such a bomb to go off in my life. I am just missing the bastard so much, I slept with his arms round me for six years and now he is sleeping with his arms round someone else and I just want to die of the pain. How do I fall out of love with him? How do I stop longing for him to walk through the door and wrap me up and kiss me better?

If he is a Narcissist, he will have no problem about who he has his arms around. They have no empathy or insight. Can you get counselling? And go no contact. If its any consolation, we've all been here.

MirandaIV...our stories are so similar. Your description of your husband is the same as mine it seems! 14 years on and he's gone, walked out, moved in with OW immediately after a relationship he said started less than 3 weeks previously (obviously bollocks) and immediately re-registered his business at hers, as you do and immediately tried to divorce me for MY unreasonable behaviour (within 3 days of moving out). He cut off all financial support, leaving us on benefits and has been cruel beyond belief. The OW was widowed six months prior to this. I am 6 months down the line, still in considerable pain and disbelief, I believe my H is a narcissist or at least has some personality disorder and actually so does the OW. They are a car crash of a couple but he insists they are "happy and in love". Good luck to them, they didn't mind destroying me and my kids, no empathy, no understanding, no human decency at all and I have suffered vile abuse from her. My advice to you is to try and cut off as must as possible. He won't change, he might come crawling back eventually, but do you really want somebody who can treat you like this? My H is one of those people who need constant attention, constant sex, needs to feel loved above all other and he couldn't compete with our 3 year old with special needs. He really is a complete and utter arsehole and I don't need that in my life...and neither do you. It sounds to me like you are making amazing progress, dating, getting out, I am nowhere near that yet so can assure you you're doing amazingly! x

Mrs C thank you for talking to me. It is lovely to hear someone with a similar story. Well not lovely, if you know what I mean, but nice not to feel so alone with this. I think I believe him about the two weeks between me and OW as he was begging me to come back for the first week or so, then he went on a dating website and only after two weeks does his phone show any contact with her, which zoomed up to twenty texts a day within a couple of weeks. In the second month he sent her 700 texts!!!
He really was a complete shit afterwards (even leaving me an invoice for £80 for his labour for mending my leaking roof after he'd been gone three weeks). He shows no remorse, guilt or empathy at all. In fact he is now rapidly painting a picture of me as a bunny boiling lunatic. He and his woman have both changed their phone numbers and emails so I can't contact him at all. I only contacted the woman because H attacked my two teenage sons and my youngest asked me to tell her in case he did it to someone else's children, so I sent her a polite but honest description of what he had done to them .
The biggest problem is that sometimes I am overwhelmed by loneliness and just want him to walk through the door and hold me. But I know he's an absolute loser bastard and I should never do that even if he does come back begging. But isn't it hard to loosen the dreams of your future together. It's so hard to fall out if love isn't it? (Well obviously not for him!)
Do tell me more of your story. Message me directly if you prefer. I would love to hear how you are getting on.

Oh my darling, I KNOW exactly how you feel. Even when they do these dreadful things to you, you still just want them to come back and say it will all be OK...I feel the same, anger interspersed with desperation, loneliness, oh it goes on. I literally cannot believe he invoiced you, what a total cock! Mind you, at least he did it, mine has left our house half "done" and with massive electrical problems, but it's not "his problem" apparently. Believe me you are not alone with dealing with the behaviour of self-centred wankers! I have also done the "contacting the OW" thing (I know her, she's not a stranger) but have been met with vile abuse of the worst kind. I still can't believe she's moved on from her late husband so quickly! How are you doing with legalities, divorce etc? What is happening with the children, does he see them? You will get over this, we both will and all the other lovely ladies on MN going through the same thing. Please PM me anytime if you wish. I suggest you look up my thread and read my first post...that should tell you the lot...it's a good thread with lots of support so you might want to join in and also read the lovely advice I have been given! xx

Sounds quite similar to my experience difference is I'm still stuck with him.
We were having a very rocky patch and decided to have a trial separation He said he would stay at a friends or find a flat but was holding off leaving for ages but still wanted me to claim benefits as a single person so the arguments got worse, he eventually went but only because he had found someone( as I found out four months later) He changed from being very clingy and needy and promising to try and make this work to being cold and uncaring, it was a shock to me, I knew of this other woman but didn't know he was actually with her as he denied it when I asked, but I ended the trial separation cos I was sus. For the next few months I would cry most evenings, couldn't sleep etc, when I started feeling better he came back and started being all caring again and we slept together (still didn't know he was in another relationship and living with her!). When I found out I told her he had Been with me a few times she kicked him out and he came back against my wishes as it's still his house aswell and 2 and a half years later he's still here refusing to accept it's over.
He will not go as 'he loves me' and is not going to give up on his family blah blah blah but I know it's just cos there is no better offer at the moment he moved on within weeks of our trial separation which was suppose to give us the space to make our relationship work, so he can move on again as quickly as soon as someone comes along, he's done it on one other occasion before aswell and it's almost an exact copy of that, plus all the things he says to me he has said to them.
You will feel better I did within a few months and found someone else online, unfortunately my ex kicked off so badly about this I cut contact but I WAS moving on, so yeh be strong and believe us when we say it will get better and what u are going through now is normal.

They've changed their contact details out of guilt, nothing else. The painting you as a bunny boiler is again, the work of a narcissist. They (narcissists) will attempt to build up a picture of you as 'mad', drunk, suicidal, so as to convince everyone that their decision to leave you (for another woman) was right. I had that too. Found texts making the most bizarre comments about me to his family. He even tried texting my friends in the middle of the night making accusations about me. Basically, just trying to build up a negative picture of me so that no one would believe what I was saying. You have to stay strong as they are usually very convincing liars to others.

The attack on your two sons is also the work of a narcissist. They try and alienate and cut you off from others, so they have you right where they want you.

Another thought on the texts etc., is that he could have been using the messaging service on the dating site prior to starting the texts?? Which would explain why there wasn't any record of the OW's number before Feb 3 on his phone. And also explain his behaviour before he left.

If I can only say one thing to you, its to remain silent - do not contact him. It will be absolutely excruciating for him, as narcissists thrive on attention (positive and negative.) Once he realises that his dramatic changing his contact details flurry has had no effect at all (as you're not actually interested in contacting him anyway), he will be driven insane by the lack of attention. And then he'll probably start on the OW (if he hasn't already.)

Pinkballoon...it's weird isn't it? My H actually started to cause problems for my friend, suggesting to her husband that she was having an affair, it was weird and ridiculous...she wasn't and I never will understand why he did that. They definitely do want to paint you as the psycho ex wife which is why I never responded in any way but politely to my H's OW and it wound her right up. She just got nastier and nastier. It really is disgusting how these people behave. I wish I could go totally radio silent on my H, but having a child makes this difficult but I agree it is best to do that as much as you can. It's horrible, the whole thing. I can't wait to reclaim my life from these two selfish bastards..:-(

MrsC1969HJ
In the same position (with child.) I do do radio silence though, and instruct him to deal through solicitors etc. Then I get formal letters from him lecturing me! :) :)

There's usually a pattern with narcissists whereby they'll depict all ex's as drunkards/ 'mad'/ suicidal etc. I think they also only stay in relationships if there is a narcissistic 'supply' for them, and are always lining up a new one so that they can be ready for the off!

Pinkballoon...I try very hard not to make any contact and handovers (twice a week) are pretty much silent, it's hideous. I dread to think how my H has portrayed me although early on he did say I was "cold", "you're incapable of giving me the love that I want", "you just don't have it in you", "you need counselling to sort out your issues"....at no point did he say "OK, I had an affair with a merry widow and I'm off"...it was indeed all my fault...and she has continued to blame me too! I "pushed him away" apparently, so she picked up from there. Her husband was still warm in his grave. They are both as mad as eachother and my H is just repeating a lifelong pattern, why I thought I'd be different is beyond me, but I have thus far lasted the longest at 14 years. He also said to me "the only reason you are now a single parent is that you chose not to have a termination".....WTF?! NONE of this is ANYTHING to do with them...it's all everybody else's fault. It's actually quite frightening behaviour isn't it?

MrsC1969HJ
Sounds like he's rewritten history to justify his behaviour. I had the 'you pushed me away and deprived our DC of a father' line - er no, you were shagging anything that moved on dating sites and bare faced lying about it. Sounds like your ex could be doing the typical narcissist thing of trying to appear like a knight in shining armour (for a widow). Mine was like that at first - saying he was going to 'rescue' me (don't think he comprehended that I'd managed to get to age 40 on my own!! :) :) Give it time MrsC1969HJ - they all come trotting back. Then you'll hear about how the OW was a drunk/ 'mad'/ suicidal……

I hope Miranda is finding this info useful to understanding Pinkballoon...I think it really does help when others share their experience. I hadn't looked too closely at narcissistic behaviour but you're an expert and have it down to a "t". The rewriting history thing winds me up like no other...the OW wrote to me to tell me that my H had been "helpful and supportive" but she "wasn't about to unsettle her son's life further"...and then gave me a very emotional description of the aftermath of her husband's death...except she had already been living with my husband for several weeks by this time...he told me he was homeless/sleeping on friend's sofa. All the while he was being "helpful and supportive", I was suffering from PND, had a child diagnosed with anorexia, my DS starting assessment for ASD, a lump in my boob, a uterine issue...but he didn't give a fuck. It was all about her and her "issues"...poor OW. She even said to me "my heart bleeds for your little man"...didn't mind taking his bloody father though and breaking up his family. Both narcissists do you think? A match made in hell! He is never ever coming back, I love him, I miss him, I regret so much, but we can never ever go back :-( PS : Have you got a thread?