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Relationships

am i just propping him up and helping his marriage stay together?

33 replies

smileysarah1 · 23/04/2014 09:07

For the past 2 years i have been with a man. We met just after he had left his wife and daughters. He was living at his mothers.
2 years on we were happy. We had kept our relationship a secret for the sake of his and my children as they were still attending the same school and felt it better to take things slow with regards to them. Then our relationship got found out by his ex. She then ddecided to turn his daughters against him .... making them tell him they didnt love him and didnt want access to him anymore.
So much so that after 2 years he has gone back home - for the sake of the children.
He still says he loves me, is miserable as sin and keeps in touch when he can.
She however constantly checks his phone etc.
I miss him so much but feel i am just propping him up and making his life bearable.
Over the long weekend we had no contact as he was at home all day but as soon as tuesday morning came and he was at work the messages start again.
Am i just being used ?
I love and miss him so much and am utterly confused.

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WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes · 23/04/2014 09:47

I can't say I blame her for tracking his phone, I feel sorry for both of you.

You need to cut contact, it's hard, but he's made his choice, however that turns out. Even if he did leave her and come back to you, you would never be able to trust that he wouldn't go back to her again. If he really loved you he'd be getting divorced. If her really loved her he would have cut contact with you, he is just using you both. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

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smileysarah1 · 23/04/2014 10:35

Thank you all. I need to get a backbone.
Yes i feel sorry for myself and his wife but I couldnt send her all the messages im just not like that.

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littlegreengloworm · 23/04/2014 11:38

You don't have to send her the messages, but he doesn't know that. I think that will warn him off.

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Hornchurch01 · 23/04/2014 12:02

He says he loves and misses you and is miserable but he chooses to stay put - you and his wife are being kept in hellish limbo while he decides (or pretends to decide while actually planning to stay firmly put). Accept his choice, plan your future without him, allow yourself time to grieve and take a look at the chump lady website.

It hurts, it sucks but you deserve more than the crumbs of someone's attention.

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Jan45 · 23/04/2014 12:15

He is not a nice man, he has played you and is still playing his poor wife, what a life she must be have, it won't just be him that is miserable. He had a chance, he chose her, whether he cries to you about it or not, that's a fact.

Move on and stop letting yourself be used in this way, it's not fair on anyone.

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PedantMarina · 23/04/2014 13:14

Ooh, definitely ChumpLady! Especially the 'pick me dance' article.

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Neverknowingly · 23/04/2014 13:20

However things were previously you are now the OW.

Given the privacy that you worked so hard to ensure for you and your children, do you want the fact that you are now the OW to become gossipped about by all your and their friends? Bin him in no uncertain terms. He is a tool.

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Fairenuff · 23/04/2014 17:58

Another one here who agrees he is using you.

He is also lying to you. He is with his wife because he wants to be.

It really is as simple as that.