am i just propping him up and helping his marriage stay together?

[smileysarah1]

For the past 2 years i have been with a man. We met just after he had left his wife and daughters. He was living at his mothers.
2 years on we were happy. We had kept our relationship a secret for the sake of his and my children as they were still attending the same school and felt it better to take things slow with regards to them. Then our relationship got found out by his ex. She then ddecided to turn his daughters against him .... making them tell him they didnt love him and didnt want access to him anymore.
So much so that after 2 years he has gone back home - for the sake of the children.
He still says he loves me, is miserable as sin and keeps in touch when he can.
She however constantly checks his phone etc.
I miss him so much but feel i am just propping him up and making his life bearable.
Over the long weekend we had no contact as he was at home all day but as soon as tuesday morning came and he was at work the messages start again.
Am i just being used ?
I love and miss him so much and am utterly confused.

[Fairenuff]

Another one here who agrees he is using you.

He is also lying to you. He is with his wife because he wants to be.

It really is as simple as that.

[Neverknowingly]

However things were previously you are now the OW.

Given the privacy that you worked so hard to ensure for you and your children, do you want the fact that you are now the OW to become gossipped about by all your and their friends? Bin him in no uncertain terms. He is a tool.

[PedantMarina]

Ooh, definitely ChumpLady! Especially the 'pick me dance' article.

[Jan45]

He is not a nice man, he has played you and is still playing his poor wife, what a life she must be have, it won't just be him that is miserable. He had a chance, he chose her, whether he cries to you about it or not, that's a fact.

Move on and stop letting yourself be used in this way, it's not fair on anyone.

[Hornchurch01]

He says he loves and misses you and is miserable but he chooses to stay put - you and his wife are being kept in hellish limbo while he decides (or pretends to decide while actually planning to stay firmly put). Accept his choice, plan your future without him, allow yourself time to grieve and take a look at the chump lady website.

It hurts, it sucks but you deserve more than the crumbs of someone's attention.

[littlegreengloworm]

You don't have to send her the messages, but he doesn't know that. I think that will warn him off.

[smileysarah1]

Thank you all. I need to get a backbone.
Yes i feel sorry for myself and his wife but I couldnt send her all the messages im just not like that.

[WhoKnowsWhereTheChocolateGoes]

I can't say I blame her for tracking his phone, I feel sorry for both of you.

You need to cut contact, it's hard, but he's made his choice, however that turns out. Even if he did leave her and come back to you, you would never be able to trust that he wouldn't go back to her again. If he really loved you he'd be getting divorced. If her really loved her he would have cut contact with you, he is just using you both. I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[PedantMarina]

Never underestimate the power of "if you contact me ever again, I'll send your wife everything I have". If he's disrespecting your right not to be harassed, he deserves nobody decent in his life.

[scarletforya]

she then ddecided to turn his daughters against him .... making them tell him they didnt love him and didnt want access to him anymore

Did he tell you that? I'm finding it hard to believe.

Also he says he had left and was living in his Mother's when you two met....?

Also, you say he was living at his Mother's when you met

[ThePriory]

This man has nothing to offer you.

Why are you wasting your time and emotioanl energy?

You are basically pouring it all down the drain for this cheating loser.

[MaryWestmacott]

oh and his wife is checking his phones because they have got back together and he is having an affair, with you. Even if just emotional. He is trying to make it a full blown affair. Of course she's going to be checking his phone and e-mail and is right to do so. He's cheating on her.

[MaryWestmacott]

Look, you didn't start this relationship as the Other Woman, but you now are in that role, he's put you in that role when he decided to have a relationship with his wife again. Is he sleeping with her? Have you asked directly? He's moved back in, which bed does he sleep in? Does his wife think this is an arrangement for the rest of their adult lives, or is it agreed that it's until the DCs grow up? In fact, does she think she is now having an exclusive relationship with him?

Basically, he dumped you from being his girlfriend, got back together with his wife and wants you to have an affair with him - even if just emotional.

That's unfair on you and his wife. Cut him out, if he loved you he wouldn't have left you for her. Tell him as far as you are concerned, your relationship is over, ask ihm to stop contacting you.

Dust yourself off, start again.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

You are all so right but im finding it so hard.
Ive told him not to contact me but still he does.

Get a backbone. You KNOW he's using you. Send one text. "Do not contact me again in any way or I will contact the police and have you done for harassment." And then change mobile numbers.

[LavenderGreen14]

so presumably he was unfaithful to her - hence her having to check his every move. Poor woman.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What did you learn about relationships when growing up by the way?.

[smileysarah1]

I am on my own. We havent seen each other in person at all. I have refused that.
Yes he is using us both. She must be miserable as well. She is constantly checking his phone has put a tracker on it.
What a mess

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Stop listening to his pity party; its all bs on his part.

Change your phone number; you need to go completely cold turkey on this callous individual who thinks nothing of crying to you down the phone let alone his own family.

You've told him not to contact you and yet he still does (and you listen to him), what part of no does he not understand?.

Stop giving him all the power and control in this. His tears are manipulative ones and designed solely to tug at your heartstrings.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Yes you're being used. He sounds utterly pathetic tbh.

[littlegreengloworm]

I would change your mobile today. He is a user. He is weak but to be honest, so are you to let him do this. What good is it doing you? None. I'd rather be on my own than be used.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Block and delete his number.

Tell your workplace not to put him through to you.

Any mail, chuck it away without reading.

Feeling so lost and very sad If you continue to accommodate his sad arse you'll never be free of that feeling.

[LavenderGreen14]

His poor wife - I bet he tells her how much he loves her and wants to be with her. He is playing you both off against each other.

And change your phone number then he can't contact you can he.

[smileysarah1]

You are all so right but im finding it so hard.
Ive told him not to contact me but still he does.
Feeling so very lost and sad.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Oh God, he's crying down the phone saying he's weak and miserable.

Tell him to fuck off and never bother you again, he won't change.

Even if he left home for you again, imagine living with him, the hand wringing and angst of 'have I made the right decision, shall I go back again, it's for the children you do know that, I love you the most'

[scarletforya]

Yeah, you're the other woman. Cut him off.