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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH threatens divorce

40 replies

Auroras · 22/04/2014 13:48

Every time I raise any issue with DH regarding our relationship, he just says that he thinks its time to call it quits. That he has had enough and that this is not working. To which I always reply, fine! Go and see a lawyer.

He then ignores me for a few days/weeks and then everything just carries on like normal.

This is obviously manipulative behavior to cut the conversation and control it. But what do I do differently to stop this? Last night it was after my first sentence which was "we need to talk as you are so snappy with all of us lately". To which he stormed out shouting "I am sick of this, this marriage is over".

Obviously once I have said "fine, go see a lawyer" I am left hanging. He never does and if I ask him about it later he will say he was frustrated, doesnt want to get divorced, etc but it takes the wind out of my sails and it leaves me completely powerless. I cannot continue speaking to him once he has pulled the divorce card because he just says "why are you speaking to me, we are getting divorced".

Ideally, I would like to be able to sit down like an adult and communicate. Am I flogging a dead horse? Anyone have any idea as to how to stop this behavior?

OP posts:
ruby1234 · 22/04/2014 13:50

Go and see your own lawyer?

eightandthreequarters · 22/04/2014 13:52

This is going to sound flippant, but it's not meant to be: go and see the lawyer yourself.

He either signs up for joint counselling with you to learn how to deal with normal life problems like an adult, or really do need a divorce. And as you're the only adult in the home, you may as well go sort that out.

Scarletohello · 22/04/2014 13:52

Well do you want to stay married to him firstly?

It's very childish behaviour on his part and effectively shuts down any discussion, do you think he means it or is it just a way of stonewalling? It takes 2 to make a marriage and if he's not willing to talk about issues how will you ever resolve anything..?

Original poster
Auroras · 22/04/2014 14:03

We have been married 19 years this year. He has never been a good communicator at all but he has been pulling this divorce thing now for about a year or two. I am getting so frustrated, I want to climb the walls. It is bad enough I have to wait weeks before raising anything because we have 4 sons so have to wait for a gap.

I honestly dont know if he means it. Maybe he does in that moment? I feel like he is just using it as a way to control the communication but I dont know. Surely if he meant it he would do something? Instead he gets into bed like normal, gets up, goes to work with little talking, day two he talks about dinner, etc, day 3 his day and so it goes till it is like nothing happened except I sit and seethe.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2014 14:04

Absolutely go to see your own lawyer. Take him seriously. Turn his empty threats around, take control and have your own game-plan, following through if you have to. Let him feel the cold hard reality of what he's proposing.

Custardo · 22/04/2014 14:06

get a solicitors letter sent re: official seperation

Custardo · 22/04/2014 14:07

each time he says he wants a divorce - pack his shit and tell him to leave

Clutterbugsmum · 22/04/2014 14:07

I'm betting he doesn't threat to quit work if someone ask him a question.

You have two choices either continue with this behaviour from him or go see a lawyer yourself to see where you stand.

He will not change because his behaviour works for him to get you back into you box.

Original poster
Auroras · 22/04/2014 14:08

I have tried that Custardo. He just says its his house as well and does not have to leave. I cannot describe how frustrated I am. It feels hopeless and I am once again sitting in this.

OP posts:
eightandthreequarters · 22/04/2014 14:08

He's currently shutting down your marriage by refusing to speak to you. You're miserable with it (naturally). This is no way to live, and it's not the marriage you signed up for.

So find yourself a lawyer. You can't continue like this, and if he won't change then you'll be well rid of him.

Jan45 · 22/04/2014 14:08

Sorry but the fact he has been saying this to you for nearly two years would indicate to me that this is something he thinks about a lot.

Just the fact he is saying that to you should be enough for you to end it, absolutely ridiculous way to behave and as you say, nothing will ever get resolved, he's shown you what he thinks of the relationship.

eightandthreequarters · 22/04/2014 14:12

I think you'll find that a good lawyer can indeed get him to leave. It's only 'his house too' while you're married. It may be sold off in a divorce settlement, or the courts may allow the resident parent to remain with the children. This is the stuff that the lawyers and court sort out. If he thinks that he simply carries on as normal after threatening divorce, he's about to get a cold, hard wake-up call.

Do you work, OP? How old are the children?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2014 14:12

BTW OP... you're right that what he means by 'the marriage is over' is 'shut up'. Definitely see a solicitor and, the next time he says 'the marriage is over' you can respond with how you've taken legal advice, you'll be staying in the property, will let him know about contact with the DCs and maintenance payments & he should make arrangements to move out in the next few days

As a further safeguard, do you have things like your own bank account and a source of income?

HecatePropylaea · 22/04/2014 14:13

Seems to me it is designed to get you to shut up. And it works, doesn't it? You shut up and he gets things back to normal and where he's comfortable and he doesn't have to have any conversation that he doesn't want to have. So yes, it's all about him being in control.l

You can't change how he chooses to behave, but you can change how you choose to respond and what you are willing to accept.

So when he says he wants a divorce, say "great. me too. Pack your bag and leave. door's over there." Or "oh hello, here we go again, a manipulative and childish attempt to silence me." or something, whatever you feel you want to say. It has to be what you feel is right. It could be anything.

And perhaps don't go along with his 3 day return to normal system. When he talks about dinner, reply "I am not playing this game any more. We need to talk like adults and until you are willing to do that, I'm not playing happy families with you" or "I'm not talking about dinner and pretending that you didn't yet again threaten me with divorce in order to control and silence me" or again, something that feels like the right thing for you to say.

HecatePropylaea · 22/04/2014 14:16

x post, well, the obvious response to I'm not leaving would be "A court would disagree. Shall we put that to the test?"

or just say you know what, I am sick of this, I'll see the bloody lawyer myself. I'm done with you.

I don't know him, obviously, but I bet he doesn't actually want to split. I bet he wants a nice maid service with no hassles whatsoever and he will say whatever he thinks will maintain that.

SolidGoldBrass · 22/04/2014 14:22

Definitely divorce him. It's perfectly reasonable to lose all love and respect for someone who is treating you like a disobedient slave who needs to be brought into line.
But the first and most important thing to do is consult a lawyer so that you know what your position is ie maintenance and getting him out of the house or forcing its sale. Men like this, who consider women less than human, often either lie or are completely ignorant of divorce law and think that they can have it all their own way. THey can't.

Original poster
Auroras · 22/04/2014 15:25

Two of my boys are still at school, one is working and one is SN's. I think its time to see a lawyer because this is no way to live. He is home now playing Diablo AGAIN and just pretending I dont exist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Auroras · 22/04/2014 15:26

I dont work but everything is in my name only. Bank account, house, cars, company, etc

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/04/2014 15:27

That plays into your hands really... Arrange the solicitors appointment and take it from there.

IrianofWay · 22/04/2014 15:49

Agree with everyone else. Find a lawyer. At the very least it will call his bluff.

Melonbreath · 22/04/2014 15:52

Find a lawyer
don't prepare him food
don't do his washing
Take control

PoundingTheStreets · 22/04/2014 15:55

Knowledge is power. Go to see a solicitor. If you can't afford it, many give you the first session free and this will be enough to give you a rough idea of where you stand. The CAB can also give you good advice, although this may take a little longer to arrange.

When you know exactly what hand you are playing, you can control the conversation much more effectively.

When he says "fine let's get divorced" you say "I anticipated you saying that so I went to see my own solicitor so I could get the ball rolling if you divorce is what you want. It's time we stopped suggesting it and high time we followed through. I have found that if we get divorced, you will have to leave/pay CM/etc. So here's the thing, either pack your bags, leave and let's get this divorce over and done with, or stop behaving like a tantrumming child, talk through this with me like a grown up and let's attend counselling together."

AnyFucker · 22/04/2014 15:58

End the marriage yourself. It's a quite simple solution, really. The rest is logistics which millions of people just like you have safely negotiated.

You have to want it strongly enough though, or I am afraid you are just as much a game player as he is.

Ruprekt · 22/04/2014 16:03

Do you want to end the marriage though?

Next time you want to talk to him about something, could you try....

'Do not mention divorce ((or I am out of here)) but can we talk about why you are so snappy with us all?'

Personally, if he threatens divorce, I would pack a bag and have a night in a hotel leaving him with 4 kids!!SmileSmile

hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2014 16:08

Agree with Ruprekt
Pack yourself a bag next time and tell him as he won't leave then you will but you are not disrupting the kids so he'll have to take care of them and you'll be in touch soon with regards to access.
His face will be a picture.
But follow through - for one night at least!

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