DH threatens divorce

[Auroras]

Every time I raise any issue with DH regarding our relationship, he just says that he thinks its time to call it quits. That he has had enough and that this is not working. To which I always reply, fine! Go and see a lawyer.

He then ignores me for a few days/weeks and then everything just carries on like normal.

This is obviously manipulative behavior to cut the conversation and control it. But what do I do differently to stop this? Last night it was after my first sentence which was "we need to talk as you are so snappy with all of us lately". To which he stormed out shouting "I am sick of this, this marriage is over".

Obviously once I have said "fine, go see a lawyer" I am left hanging. He never does and if I ask him about it later he will say he was frustrated, doesnt want to get divorced, etc but it takes the wind out of my sails and it leaves me completely powerless. I cannot continue speaking to him once he has pulled the divorce card because he just says "why are you speaking to me, we are getting divorced".

Ideally, I would like to be able to sit down like an adult and communicate. Am I flogging a dead horse? Anyone have any idea as to how to stop this behavior?

Is your home rented or mortgaged.

The house, cars and business are all in your name only?

Would you care to explain why?

I don't think the OP is obliged to explain why the ownership has fallen that way...

I think bitter is alluding to some sort of financial control going on here. Like if he fucks off she will be left with all the debt. Is that the case, OP ? Do you need to keep him sweet so he will pay the bills/debts ?

Our home is morgaged. The business because when we started, we were partners in the business. Many years down the line we merged with another company and I refused to put my shares in his name (he was the only one actually working in it at the time - I had taken time off for the kids). So for that reason and if anything happened, one of our names would be clear, shares were put into my name. It is now 16 years down the line and we just havent changed that. Car, house was again a decision made because of the business. If anything had gone horribly wrong in the beginning with the business, one of us would have a clear name.

So, he can walk away with a "clear name" and you will be left with debts ? Clever boy, ain't he ?

As he's willingly signed over his share of the house I'd hardly call him a clever boy!

He's basically threatening to end the marriage to shut you up. You're not allowed to raise anything he doesn't like it you're threatened with the end of relationship. He's a bully. A controller. He will not change. Oh, and he's not bad at communicating- he's choosing to be. I bet he could discuss something calmly and rationally if it was to his benefit.

You need to decide if you can cope with this. If you are willing to shut up and not raise issues then you'll fine. If this isn't an option then you should contact your own lawyer.

Ltb

Car and house in your name?? Great. Ask him to leave the next time he threatens you...

Well, it kinda depends on if OP could cover the mortgage, business loans (if any), car finance etc on her own doesn't it ?

Signing over a share of a house means fuck all if you still have a mortgage on it that one person alone cannot pay

I agree with most of the other posters. But I would suggest next time he "calms down" you simony raise the original issue again: "right, now that you are calmer and don't want a divorce after all, can we please talk about the original issue".

But mostly, I would also be checking in with a lawyer. And making sure the business and mortgage payments are manageable if necessary.

Gather up all the financial papers - mortgage, car loan, business - and get to a solicitor's office. See where you stand financially. The business may have debts greater than its value, or it may be an asset you can sell as part of a divorce settlement to keep you and the children in the house.

Ignore him totally. Sort yourself financially and hand him the divorce papers.

Good lord, you're me - or maybe a mirror image of me. We had four sons with approximately the age gaps you imply, and XH would do the "this marriage is over" thing - only I was the one working and also the one with a Diablo habit (later moving on to World of Warcraft). One day he rang up his sister who lived overseas and whose own marriage had recently ended. He told her we were getting a divorce, described how it would work, how the assets would be split, how we would manage childcare, and suggested he shared a house with her if she wanted to come back to the UK. It was the first I'd heard about it, but he made it sound possible - up to then I'd been thinking it couldn't be done. Of course it turned out he didn't want anything of the sort (indeed, denied even saying it), but too late, I'd seen the light and was heading determinedly towards it. Shot himself in the foot with that one.

Seriously, I do suggest you get yourself some reliable legal advice, so that next time your daft H starts on with the D.I.V.O.R.C.E. crap, say yes, I've been meaning to talk to you about that, slap some figures down in front of him and say it can work if we go about it this way. Ought to concentrate his mind if nothing else. It's called standing up to the bully.

You really, really need to have all the relevant legal information at your disposal so tht you can call bullshit when necessary. Or just ignore his rantings and proceed with getting rid of him.

He is saying it partly to shut you up.

But partly because he is terrified of it.