How important are looks?

[MincingOnBy]

By way of background, I have quite recently split up with xp and I'm keen to get back out there and get on with dating. I want to settle down with a decent man who wants a family and treats me as an equal. I'm in my late 20s so although still fairly young I do feel the biological clock ticking a bit and am not interested at all in time wasters who are only looking for "fun" and no commitment.

I decided to give online dating a go and have been talking to a few guys who seem nice. One in particular seems absolutely lovely, easy to talk to, lots in common, same goals in life, funny and very keen - all seems very promising. The only thing is he is not very good looking and I don't think I fancy him from a physical POV based on his pictures. I haven't met him in person yet but he has asked me to go out this week.

Am I being shallow being hung up on looks? I don't want to dismiss guys who could be really right for me, but then surely physical attraction is important? Sex is very important to me...

Before anyone starts asking if I'm no oil painting myself, I am not perfect but objectively I am definitely much better looking.

I am getting attractive guys chatting to me as well (online and when on nights out etc) but none seem to be great personality-wise or they are messing me around e.g. changing plans last minute and definitely aren't making as much of an effort. With xp I was very attracted to him and there was always chemistry but he was a bit of a shit and played emotional games, everything was always about him.

Never seem to come across perfect men where looks, personality, intelligence, kindness, spark and everything is there.

Do you think looks are more of a minor thing if everything else is right?

Why not meet for a drink - what have you got to lose?

IMO there needs to be some degree of attraction. When I met my husband I wasn't bowled over by his looks but he was quite easy on the eye. As I got to know him he became more and more attractive because of other qualities. On the flip side, I have dated very attractive men whose looks became unimportant when unpleasant character traits started to surface.

What's that saying 'never judge a book by its cover'? Attraction is a very personal thing so there's no point saying it's shallow to just go for the looks. However, sometimes it's worth getting to know people that aren't your usual 'type' physically. They can grow on you. :)

Looks aren't important to me. When you fall in love with someone you think they look amazing even if, objectively, they don't

I will meet the guy I'm talking to. I have said I am up for doing a drink or coffee this week. I am just feeling unsure about how much importance I should be placing on looks. I don't want to settle if I don't feel a person is right and I don't want to lead anyone on if I know from the start that it won't go anywhere because I don't find them attractive, but equally I don't want to miss something good because I'm being too picky about looks.

Feeling a bit confused about my attitude in general.

I can speak from experience in saying my stbXH was someone I found not remotely attractive when I first met him. I actually thought he was ridiculous. Then one day he grabbed me and kissed me and the earth honestly shook. Over time I came to fancy him more than I have ever fancied anyone. And even though he's my stbXH I still feel that way.

I should also add that people can often look very different from online photos. You will get a much better idea of you meet in RL.

Also this is just one of the intrinsic problems with internet dating, you're encouraged to be so '5/10' about it all - it doesn't allow for the happenstance of life.

I met my ex online. I didnt fancy him physically at first but he had an amazing sense of humour and he made me feel secure. 11 years down the line we are separated but still friends and I still find him attractive.
Give this guy a go. You never know. Please report back :0)

You are over thinking it. You haven't met him yet.

If you find him attractive, great. If not, nothing lost.

Finding someone attractive is of course important. Often this has nothing to do with 'how goodlooking they are'

It's not leading anyone on to go on dates. That's what dates are for!

JohnFarleysRuskin is right of course!

Anyway he might not find you attractive in the flesh - it works both ways! You both take your chance. Enjoy - good luck. You'll soon learn to weed the bad from the good.

I met my partner 8 years ago. I secretly met him many many times to have er.... Relations. The chemistry I felt with him was OVERPOWERING. However he didn't look the way I wanted him to and I was worried what others would say. So I dismissed him. Went off and went out with many a good looking man. Married one. 8 years later saw him again and within ten seconds I felt that overpowering chemistry again. Knew I loved him. Didn't give a crap about what he looked like anymore and two years on we are deliriously happy, our son is one, we are trying for another and we are getting married very soon.

Looks mean nothing.
Chemistry is everything.
Our sex life is also wonderful.

When you feel that spark - you'll know. But looks have nothing to do with it.

Thanks all. I definitely am going to go on a date with this guy - hopefully will find him more attractive in the flesh. He is not hideous or anything. I suppose it is silly to worry about leading him on. I know I don't owe him anything. I just wouldn't want too seem like I'm messing him about.

To not too!

DH wasn't exactly a looker in his 20s. At 40, he's definitely grown into himself, though.

I think if you've only recently got out there: just keep first dates short and sweet, you're both just checking each other out. And its normal to have to play the numbers game for a while.

Also, I agree that attraction can happen irrelevant of conventional good looks.

But think its important not to go "too far either way". I mean you don't need Brad Pitt, but also don't think that means you have to accept Danny Devito?

Of course if a full-time committed relationship is your goal, you'll have to compromise on some points -, but don't feel you need to settle TOO much.

I found when I was dating, I actually hugely undervalued my looks (thank you parents for that boost of UNDER confidence ) and almost found myself thinking "this is the best I can do" when with someone who was a bit to been seen with in public. Often taking the 'safe' option can backfire, and its not fair on either of you if you're thinking "well I settled for him".

. Often the less good looking guys don't actually automatically have "nicer personalities" and were actually quite chippy, resentful of me, and of other better looking men. So they'd get quite needy and controlling, and needing constant reassurance.

Agree, agree with harkthe's last point!!!

Also I reckon it's also a plus if someone comes off a bit awkwardly online. It's the ones who have the online thing perfectly nailed who are serial daters / weird (often)

You really can't tell if you are attracted to someone from a photograph. You need to meet them. I agree with those who are saying chemistry is important and you can have that with a man regardless of looks. And the opposite applies - an attractive looking guy might do absolutely nothing for you. Give him a chance!

I think you have to meet someone in the flesh to feel chemistry. Sometimes people have something about them which makes them sexy, even if they aren't photogenic.

In the late 90s I saw 30-something footballer Tony Adams signing books in a store. I had never fancied him and he's not especially attractive in pictures, but my God, in the flesh I thought he was unbelievably sexy. Tall, muscular, tanned, amazing eyes: I think he just photographs a bit wonky!

Why not just meet him?
I would have to fancy someone but as we all know, someone doesn't have to be conventionally good-looking to fancy them. They can be funny or charismatic or clever or have a great smile or a lovely voice or... whatever!

I think OD can be useful, but also I think its a fairly depressing format, and you might actually skip through or be skipped through by someone you'd be very compatible with IRL!

Photos can be VERY deceptive, as others have said (and it applies both ways -Mr Handsome can be Mr Fucking Hell Where Is the Exit) Basically it can a good laugh, but can also be a somewhat surreal experience.

Not saying stop doing it, it can be a laugh and I hope you find someone lovely soon.

But I reckon just OD and "nights out clubby places" aren't necessarily the best place to meet someone special, or someone up for a full time committed relationship?

Might be an idea to broaden out your "meeting men" places a bit? So meetup.com if you're in or near a big city, hobbies/interests/sports, even make new friends to introduce you to new social circles, that kind of thing.

Looks are only one aspect in the attraction package. Others have been mentioned above. One that is often overlooked is smell - especially that from neck nuzzling .