AAARRRGGH so fucked off about DP's housework fail AGAIN!

[BinBagBertha]

Just need a rant!

DP's jobs include doing the dishes each day (we have a dishwasher) and emptying the kitchen bin when it's full. (I have my own jobs including shopping, cooking and laundry - it's divided fairly)

I am so FUCKING FED UP of him deciding he will just leave it. Oh I'll do the dishes tomorrow. Yes and that means they will all pile up, we will have nothing to use and we'll be surrounding by decaying food for 24+ hours. Oh I'll just jam the stuff in the bin down until it has the density of a black hole and when it's really too full I'll balance a plastic bag on top and use that, until I can get around to being arsed to do it.

We have DC and I am just not happy to be surrounded by filth. I don't do the dishes, unless he's ill etc but I do often end up doing the bin.

Have lost it this morning after he had left the dishes all day yesterday and then not done them this morning (morning is when he does it if at all, if it gets to the evening then fuck it, it's telly/social network time) as he was too busy looking at phone/having a nice relaxing breakfast while I hared around trying to get up / look after clingy DC at the same time.

He has been away for work recently, it was fucking hard work with the kids and I missed him, but whatever it took, I kept on top of the basics. Dishes, washing and bin. So we can have a fundamental level of cleanliness and functionality. I didn't watch telly in the evenings, I caught up with the house jobs I couldn't do during the day because I was too busy with work/the DC. I also made sure everything was done before he got back so he wouldn't have a pile of our mess facing him when he got home.

He comes back, "forgets" the dishes, "forgets" the bin needs doing, goes on his phone and watches telly. HOW CAN HE FORGET IT IS STARING HIM IN THE FACE!? So now he's back I have a choice of living surrounded by dirt or doing it all myself.

He says I just need to remind him the bin is full. FFS YOU HAVE EYES!

This is NOT a show home, I would love to live in a sparkling clean home but it's not an option. Floors don't get cleaned for weeks (his job), hoovering is monthly if that, dust is everywhere, toys scattered around etc, I accept that. Work, DC and exhaustion mean I do let a lot go, I recognise we can't do everything. This isn't about being anal or picky. I just want him to do his jobs without having to nag, have rows or just do it the fuck myself!

Now I have ranted at him this morning and upset the DC :( and upset myself.

Of course he grasps how much needs to be done. He also grasps that it is optional.

Every now and then you shout at him at which point he "helps" you with "your" childcare and "your" housework. Now he wants you to remind him to help.

You are a cheap maid service.

He does not respect you.

Now do you know what to do?

He's also massively deluded. At times over the relationship he's decided to buck his ideas up and told me he will do a specific job, like the hoovering weekly. Then he doesn't do it, but actually believes he has!

No he doesn't!!

Stop listening to him, he tells lies.

Of course he knows he hasn't done it.

Have you done the whole sitting down with a list of all the chores and dividing them up 50:50?

He only feels henpecked because he feels these jobs are not for him to do, & obviously because he doesn't do them so you have to go on at him. In his head I'm sure he thinks he's put upon and doing you a favour.

I get the impression you see a man who's rubbish around the house, I see one who is entitled, lazy, selfish and immature. He is fundamentally refusing to take 50% of responsibility for the running of the household and has done for 16 years. He doesn't care that you have to do it all. When confronted he 'acts' like he 'means' to pull his finger out, but then does fuck all. That has nothing to do with not seeing dirt, it is a fundamental imbalance in your relationship.

If I was in your shoes Id pack a bag for me and the little one, go totally apeshit at him and bugger off to a friends or family and refuse to come home till he pulls his finger out or even better pack him one. He needs to know you mean it this time, I have the feeling that he probably thinks you will nag for a bit then shut up and get on with it. I speak from experience, they can change attitude or whatever causes it if they want to. It sometimes just takes a drastic step to motivate them! If he doesn't change after that, well only you can decide what you are willing to live with x

I had a very similar situation to this with DH.

This is what works for us

1. Having a cleaner. That way he had to tidy his shit up once a week.
2. Getting him on board with fly lady. I know, this sounds really unlikely but he completely got on board with the idea of tidying the kitchen together every evening. Now it is just one of the things we do. We used to sit and chat or watch TV together after we'd eaten, now we clean the kitchen together.
3. Having tidy up time for our toddler, everyday an alarm goes at bedtime. DS does his toys, DH does the hall, I do the kids supper mess.
4. Teaching DS to do the bathroom bins every day, and to help me with the laundry. This seems to have shamed DH into helping!
5. Only treating as laundry stuff that is in the baskets.
6. Not touching his mess. Ever. If he can't find something it is where he left it.

Flylady is a great website. Would it be ridiculous to make a laminated housework chart, so you can each (and kids if older) tick off the jobs you do? It would show blatantly how little he does. I'm thinking of doing one for my household .. But haven't got round to it yet :-/

Having a cleaner is a big help for us - it means neither of us has to do the jobs we really hate, so the rest gets divided up quite amicably. And if it means you tidy like mad before she comes, great - you have a tidy house!

What I would do if I were you is say that you will take over the day-to-day stuff that he doesn't now do - dishwasher and bins - and the cleaner will do big things once a week (hoovering, dusting, ironing, deep-cleaning kitchen and bathroom etc). BUT the cleaner's wage will come out of the money he currently spends on himself, so games, pub, football, whatever. So it's not a get-out-of-jail-free card for him.