AAARRRGGH so fucked off about DP's housework fail AGAIN!

[BinBagBertha]

Just need a rant!

DP's jobs include doing the dishes each day (we have a dishwasher) and emptying the kitchen bin when it's full. (I have my own jobs including shopping, cooking and laundry - it's divided fairly)

I am so FUCKING FED UP of him deciding he will just leave it. Oh I'll do the dishes tomorrow. Yes and that means they will all pile up, we will have nothing to use and we'll be surrounding by decaying food for 24+ hours. Oh I'll just jam the stuff in the bin down until it has the density of a black hole and when it's really too full I'll balance a plastic bag on top and use that, until I can get around to being arsed to do it.

We have DC and I am just not happy to be surrounded by filth. I don't do the dishes, unless he's ill etc but I do often end up doing the bin.

Have lost it this morning after he had left the dishes all day yesterday and then not done them this morning (morning is when he does it if at all, if it gets to the evening then fuck it, it's telly/social network time) as he was too busy looking at phone/having a nice relaxing breakfast while I hared around trying to get up / look after clingy DC at the same time.

He has been away for work recently, it was fucking hard work with the kids and I missed him, but whatever it took, I kept on top of the basics. Dishes, washing and bin. So we can have a fundamental level of cleanliness and functionality. I didn't watch telly in the evenings, I caught up with the house jobs I couldn't do during the day because I was too busy with work/the DC. I also made sure everything was done before he got back so he wouldn't have a pile of our mess facing him when he got home.

He comes back, "forgets" the dishes, "forgets" the bin needs doing, goes on his phone and watches telly. HOW CAN HE FORGET IT IS STARING HIM IN THE FACE!? So now he's back I have a choice of living surrounded by dirt or doing it all myself.

He says I just need to remind him the bin is full. FFS YOU HAVE EYES!

This is NOT a show home, I would love to live in a sparkling clean home but it's not an option. Floors don't get cleaned for weeks (his job), hoovering is monthly if that, dust is everywhere, toys scattered around etc, I accept that. Work, DC and exhaustion mean I do let a lot go, I recognise we can't do everything. This isn't about being anal or picky. I just want him to do his jobs without having to nag, have rows or just do it the fuck myself!

Now I have ranted at him this morning and upset the DC :( and upset myself.

Have you considered getting someone in to do a deep clean? You can usually find someone on gumtree offering their services for reasonable rates. Also if you get a cleaner she won't tidy your mess but she will help keep the place clean. I suggest these things as I believe in a tidy house = a tidy head!

Re your husband you could put him on a sex ban lol I'm always threatening that one!

Sex is rare anyway, I'm too knackered. It does happen but not often enough for a ban to be very effective

But you're right this does make him much less attractive.

How long does it take to take the bins out? 2minutes...? then just do it yourself and stop making yourself stressed by looking at the full bin. How long does it take to do the dishwasher? 5 minutes max?...then do the dishwasher and stop making yourself stressed by looking at it.
Not hoovering for a month is rank. there is no way that is hygienic when you have children in the house. tell husband to look after children and get on with hoovering. it may not be pc for you to do it BUT it will stop you feeling stressed by the house being a mess. you can tackle husband later although he may feel that if YOU dont care about hoovering FOR A MONTH, then why should he. it works both way! Make a meal plan for week and send him to the shops with the children with express instructions to buy only what is in the list. then spend the time he is out dusting and mopping floors. seeing your house tidy will make YOU feel better and may inspire husband to keep it that way. and hire a cleaner, at least then you could have the bathrooms clean and all floors hoovered and mopped every week which would be better for you as a family. good luck!

I do not accept that a highly intelligent man cannot budget and shop for food. He just can't be arsed and that is total disrespect for you. He knows perfectly well that if he fucks up he will never have to do it long term.

I would tell him that you are losing respect for him as a man, and it makes you find him less attractive.

And get a cleaner.

Buy him a copy of the book "wifework".

Tell him it's not negotiable for it to be left, you need to mean it though.

How would he feel if you stopped food shopping and cooking for him because you couldn't be bothered? Ask him that, would he feel hurt, that his needs didn't matter, less of a family unit that works together?

Talk of sex bans, doing it yourself etc are just minimising how serious this is. He's showing a distinct lack of respect and care towards you, as though he doesn't give a monkey's how much this angers and distresses you.

One thing that doesn't happen in this house is one person doing housework whilst the other 'plays'. If chores need doing everyone either gets stuck in or facilitates it for the others. That includes guests.

Getting a cleaner would be a help but it won't solve the basic issue - that you have such different ideas of what is acceptable mess and uncleanliness in a family home.

It sounds like you've made lots of compromises wrt how you want the home to be but he has made none. The over flowing bins, dirty dishes left out every night is really not on. However you need to go with a different tactic. He needs to understand that living with mess and toys is one thing. Leaving food lying around is another - it is heaven for vermin. Tell him that you are not prepare to live in a home that will become a mouse haven (it so easily could) and not will the children. That a basic requirement is for bins to be put out on time and for all food to be cleared away before you all go up to bed with dishes in the dishwasher. Basic cleanliness standards.

Unless if course he wants to pay Rentokil an small fortune to deal with the rodents that would love being at yours as house guests. Oh and all the cleaning, scrubbing, repairing work that has to happen when one has mice.

Now before anyone jumps down my throat yes, I have had them. In my old house. It was dreadful but by goodness did I change my ways. No more leaving plates out to deal with in the morning. No more leaving a half eaten bar of chocolate on the side for the next day.

If the rodent issue doesn't get him moving then nothing will I'm afraid.

Another one who didn't run like the wind no matter who Mr Wonderful he was.

He doesn't give a shot about anything to do with the home and never will.

You either hire out all this work or do it all.

Talk of sex bans, doing it yourself etc are just minimising how serious this is. He's showing a distinct lack of respect and care towards you, as though he doesn't give a monkey's how much this angers and distresses you.

This.

Is he really a 'highly intelligent, absent-minded boffin type'? Because if he was he would be able to plan a weekly shop within a budget. Or is he simply of the deep-down opinion that housework is beneath him, and fundamentally women's work?

As well as Wifework Please read this OP.

How infuriating. I had an ex like this. Don't underestimate the effect this has on a marriage.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm doing some work but still around.

Is he really a 'highly intelligent, absent-minded boffin type'? Because if he was he would be able to plan a weekly shop within a budget. Or is he simply of the deep-down opinion that housework is beneath him, and fundamentally women's work?

Handywoman I've battled and battled with this point. Of COURSE he could manage these things with his level of intelligence and he certainly can handle complex admin tasks at work. You're right, he just doesn't want to, but his belief/demonstration that he can't is very deeply ingrained. And yes, it does arise from, IMO, his deep belief that it's fine to just let me pick up the slack, that he doesn't have to do this stuff because I will, that women really don't matter as much as men. But getting him to see that is such an uphill struggle. He doesn't think he's sexist. He thinks he's just lazy.

Well he's not, he's sexist, it's so deeply ingrained he can't see it, ergo he is of a very entitled view. In your shoes I'd be going with crates and pants in briefcase. Seriously, I would.

I would clarify that I think humiliation is the only thing that's going to make him see what an arse he's being.

You should be fucked off op, he is a lazy, selfish shit!

I work far fewer hours than dp in the week so I do everything apart from wash up from the evening meal.

This past weekend I have done a couple of shifts behind a bar to help out a friend.
I got home yesterday to 2 sparkling bathrooms, 3 clean and tidy bedrooms, a clean and tidy front room, fed children, washing up done, whole house hoovered and all bins emptied.

I was happy but not grateful, I shouldn't have to be grateful that the other adult that lives here has done what I do mon-fri.

You first have to understand and accept that he doesn't 'forget' to do it and he doesn't 'not see it'.

Once you get your head round that all will become clear.

He is choosing to leave it, knowing that it bugs the hell out of you.

Does that tell you a bit more about him?

Oh, I would give him one last chance I think.
Go absolutely apeshit and tell him that things will either be put in his car, or if he can't pull his weight at home, he can pay for a cleaner.
I would then invoice him for every single fucking thing I did in the home, rounding up to the nearest hour.

OP he's either sexist and doesn't think keeping the house clean and tidy is his job,or it's personal and he is disrespecting you.

OP he is like this because a) he knows that if he doesn't do these tasks properly/at all you will just do them for him and b) he knows that it annoys you and just doesn't care.

I am in a similar situation and haven't found a perfect solution (i.e. one that means that DH will actually do the things he's agreed to do properly and to a reasonable timescale). The only strategy that has made a difference is to make him responsible for things that only have repercussions for him if he doesn't do them. So - make him do his own laundry/ironing/dry cleaning, have him make his own lunches for work, at weekends plan lunches that each person fixes for themselves (e.g. sandwiches, heating up own soup) rather than a meal you cook for both of you, etc. That way if it doesn't get done, he is the only one that suffers.

Thanks for all your comments, i'm having a big think about what to do. This goes around and around and blows up every so often, been with him 16 years. Tbh I think the only real solution, if it was ever practical, would be not to live with him, but that's a bit extreme for the time being. He is repentant and saying sorry, but I need a real strategy and lots of the ideas on here are helpful.

Perhaps you do need to tell him that it is a deal breaker and that you are considering seperating from him over it.

He is repentant and saying sorry

Tell him you don't believe him and that you won't believe him until he consistently sticks to his side of the agreement.

In the meantime, you are having a think about whether you want to continue living with him and will let him know what you decide.

I'm sorry OP but he's a knob. I'm a sahm and my dh does half the jobs because he likes to live in a nice house and he knows you can't be a slob when you have dc.
I couldn't cope with this for you and your dc.
tell him to pull his finger out and grow up.

How many times has he said sorry over this issue in the last 16 years?

I agree with Random & Fairenuff, there has to be an ultimatum and consequences for him or nothing will change.

I know, I know. He always says sorry. The truth is, over my many campaigns and complaints, he has improved – from doing nothing at all, to grasping that he needs to have regular jobs and doing them some of the time. When I really hammer it home that I do a ton more than him (including all the household admin), he does seem shocked and does act like he means to pull his finger out.

But it still doesn't approach what needs doing or anything like the amount I do. I think because he has changed somewhat over the years, he thinks he is hen-pecked and does loads and deserves a medal. Yes he does do quite a bit, compared to doing absolutely zero. But what he doesn't grasp is how much there actually is to do.

He's also massively deluded. At times over the relationship he's decided to buck his ideas up and told me he will do a specific job, like the hoovering weekly. Then he doesn't do it, but actually believes he has! I was gobsmacked when I pointed out he hadn't actually hoovered at all, and he protested "I do it every week!" No, you said you would do it every week, that isn't quite the same thing, or really quite as adequate! He was really astonished to learn he hadn't been doing it.

I mean wtf.

Op my sister and I have/had dh much the same. I took the line of doing nothing for mine, no cooking, no ironing, no washing etc and surprisingly dh more than helps now, although I did stick to it for 4 weeks. My ds disagreed with this approach and still complains bitterly about the same problems with her dh 8 years later.