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Original poster

Is it reasonable to snap at your partner if they suggested you should check for a chronic illness?

62 replies

Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:11

My H has been very ill for the last 15 days.
He phoned in sick only for one day and continue going to work. His employer's know he is not well and still keeps him there. I know he shouldn't being going.
It is not man flu and I haven't see him like this before.
It is a terrible cough, to me it sounds like chest infection or something to do with his lungs. He, at times is spitting blood and blowing blood through his nose.
From the beginning I suggested he goes to see a doctor or a pharmacist but he never did. He never does.

I was talking to my sister about this the other day and she was shocked and suggested he could get checked for TB. She knows someone who is recovering from TB and got it from work (same line of work as H) and told me a few facts. I got really scared.

So today, I told him I am going to book an appointment for him and I want him to go to for sure, and he said OK. Then I mentioned my sister's acquaintance and him snapped at me, totally out of the blue, told me to stop talking because I was scaring him and how can I even think about saying this just to make him scared... I was really surprised and apologised saying that this wasn't my intention at all and he continued going on saying that he knows it wasn't my intention but "I don't get it" and "he can't believe I am even saying this" and "just because I got worried I am trying to make him worried too"...

I got really upset but managed to hold it in and had a cry in the bedroom (I didn't like his tone and reaction). I am waiting for Dd to go to bed so I can tell him that I think he was being really unfair and demand an apology for talking to me like that, when again what I wanted was to help.

Something like that happened before, I was trying to help him to do something and he snapped and I felt like today (in fact much worse) and I just can't understand what is the trigger, what am I doing wrong? I know I was a little patronising on the other occasion, was I patronising today too?

Thank you if you got this far.
I need to know if I am BU and how is the best way to solve this without fighting.

OP posts:
CogitoEggySometimes · 20/04/2014 19:47

A&E... Now. The man needs a bloody ambulance whether he likes it or not.

Original poster
Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:47

Exactly twinkle.
Including Dd and myself. We share a flat together ffs.
I am sure, taking him today to hospital is out of question. He won't go unless I wrestle him.
I can try to book an appointment for tomorrow late afternoon as he finishes work a bit earlier but not sure if i can go with him. I can go with him on Tuesday or Wednesday, I am available and for coincidence is his days off.

OP posts:
TheVioletHour · 20/04/2014 19:48

If you have a walk-in centre nearby, even if it's nurse rather than GP led, he could try that tomorrow, IME they can at least give you a heads up on whether it needs Urgent Care/A and E or waiting for a GP, eg. they have fingertip sats monitors. When I've coughed up blood, it's been due to tearing my throat a bit from having such a nasty cough (chest infection) it's not always mega serious, but obv a symptom that needs prompt checking out.

Twinklestein · 20/04/2014 19:48

I find that really childish Pagwatch. It could be serious and he has to understand that in order to understand the reason for seeing a doctor ASAP.

TheLadyRadishes · 20/04/2014 19:48

Yes but this man never does to the doctor. If he's not scared, he won't go. If he's scared, he won't go. So maybe what he needs is reminding that it's not all about him, and if there's a chance he has this serious, contagious illness he needs to get it ruled out, as a social responsibility even if all he cares about personally is working and self-medicating.

I wouldn't be mentioning TB to scare him, I would simply be being realistic and practical. Get checked over. It's not rocket science.

Twinklestein · 20/04/2014 19:50

I've now read later posts OP. If you can't get him to hospital today willingly, then call an ambulance.

ouryve · 20/04/2014 19:50

It's never reasonable to snap, but it's understandable. Hope he gets himself checked out and fixed, as his symptoms do sound worrying.

Original poster
Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:52

When I've coughed up blood, it's been due to tearing my throat a bit from having such a nasty cough (chest infection) it's not always mega serious, but obv a symptom that needs prompt checking out

That is what I have been thinking all along.
He gets snappy at me, if he so worried, why didn't he do anything about it??

Anyway, I will make sure I am in tomorrow once he got home from work.
I will now research the are and get some phone numbers to check where is the best place to go to.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 20/04/2014 19:54

Well it depends on the people and the situation doesn't it Twinklestein.

The last time I was in this situation it was with my mother who had become irrationally scared of the Doctor after my dad died.

So frankly I don't give a shit if it's childish. I got her to the Doctor because I didn't scare her.

Original poster
Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:55

Well no , mentioning a scary disease isn't the best idea if you know that the person is scared.
If the object is to get them to the Doctor I do what works tbh

I didn't think he was scared. I am black and white when comes to things like this. If you are scared about your health, you go and see a doctor. If you are not scared, you just keep taking paracetamol. He finished my kid's medicine box.

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 20/04/2014 19:56

That's not the same situation Pagwatch.

OP until you've got him to a doctor you have no idea what you're dealing with.

When my dad coughed up blood, I inferred a chest infection or TB. X rays ruled out TB, chest infection and lung cancer, and he turned to have a heart valve leaking into his chest.

Pagwatch · 20/04/2014 19:57

Being scared and putting off getting symptoms checked because of that fear is incredibly common. Incredibly so.

Pagwatch · 20/04/2014 19:59
Hmm How do you know Twinkle? Seriously? My sister has always been terrified of the Doctors since my other sister nearly died in her care.

We have no idea why he is scared/hiding his head in the sand.

Original poster
Falconi · 20/04/2014 19:59

Oh I know my English is atrocious, I am not a native speaker.
Thank you all for participating and helping me out.

He is not coughing blood right now so I will not call an ambulance and today doesn't seem like the worse days of the illness, but he is still pretty bad.

OP posts:
TheLadyRadishes · 20/04/2014 20:03

Also, you shouldn't be having to call an ambulance. What a waste of ambulance time and staff and emergency hospital services just because a silly man won't go and get his symptoms seen at the GP like a normal person. If an ambulance does have to come and whisk him away, that's hardly going to solve the fear problem anyway.

He needs to be told that scared or not he is being a selfish arse if he does not take steps to rule out something potentially dangerous.

ExcuseTypos · 20/04/2014 20:03

I wouldn't wait until Tuesday. He needs to be seen today. If you google coughs/flu it says if you start coughing up blood you should see a dr straight away. Phone 101 and tell them you are concerned about him. They'll give you some advice.

I thought DH was having a heart attack a couple of weeks ago. He insisted he was ok and it was just indigestion, I insisted he went to A and E, he refused so I told him he had a choice- either he came with me in the car, or I would phone 999. I also told him that he had 4 symptoms of a heart attack. He agreed to let me take him. (A and E were amazing - it was indigestion, but they said not to hesitate to come again if he experienced the same symptoms)

Phone 101 now and ask them for advice.

Twinklestein · 20/04/2014 20:10

It's not a waste of an ambulance if he's seriously ill. I had to call an ambulance for my dad recently when he had atrial fibrillation. Despite the fact that his pulse was 150 bpm plus, you are never 100% sure that you're justified until the problem has been confirmed. Turned out I did exactly the right thing.

Developing a fear of doctors after your father died, is not the situation the OP has described Pagwatch. Can we get back to the thread as this must be distracting for the OP.

ExcuseTypos · 20/04/2014 20:21

The thing is that the OP has tried to get him to see a dr for a while. She didn't set out to "scare" him. I expect she's scared herself and at the end of her tether.

Some times the gentle approach doesn't work.

CogitoEggySometimes · 20/04/2014 20:28

It definitely isn't a waste of an ambulance if someone's been this sick for over two weeks. They get called out for less.

Original poster
Falconi · 20/04/2014 20:33

I am very glad I posted here and very thankful for all the replies.

I don't know why or what I have been waiting for so long (actually I have a plan in my head not to treat him as a child anymore, but I should have had an exception for this particular case).

He has been watching TV the whole day. He has eaten and he just came in to the bedroom to get his dressing gown...probably going outside for a puff.

He is not putting blood out right now. But still has a bad cough. He hasn't slept during the day whereas at the beginning of the illness he used to being asleep any time outside work.

I will call the GP surgery tomorrow first thing in the morning, fingers crossed there is an appointment slot for after his shift. Otherwise I will take him to A&E which is not ideal since schools starts on Tuesday and my experience of A&E is staying there for hours no end. I don't have anyone to look after Dd while we are there.

OP posts:
FrontForward · 20/04/2014 20:37

Cognito I normally agree with you on everything...but not this. Ambulances are not for an illness that has been ongoing for awhile and he's still working with. Walk in centre first

If he can't breathe or was vomiting vast quantities of blood ...yes

Crushing chest pain yes

Injuries like fractures that need immobilising. Yes.

mrsminiverscharlady · 20/04/2014 20:38

Ambulances are for people who have, or are suspected to have, an immediately life threatening condition.

They are not for people who have been I'll for several weeks, with no sudden deterioration, who are quite capable of getting to A&E or a doctor.

There are lots of reasons why he might be coughing up blood, most of them not as serious tb, but he should be seen asap.

Original poster
Falconi · 20/04/2014 20:42

I am not calling an ambulance.
Until he has a really terrible chest pain tonight or vomits blood.
How do I know how bad of a chest pain though?

There were one or two times before this illness when he would wake up during the night and sit down, really struggling.

He chose to wait until it went away and was good by morning...

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 20/04/2014 20:55

If you ring your doctors surgery now it should have an answer message telling you when they are open this weekend. A lot are not open on bank holidays, but it should also give you the telephone number of your local out of hours service. Call them and see what they say. If they deem it necessary, they will book you an appointment for the out of hours GP, so you wont have to spend eternity in A&E. If they dont deem it that serious then they will advise you on care until you can get a GP appointment.

Tbh what has to borne in mind is not only his health but the public health too. If it is TB then he has been spreading around for the last 2 weeks and needs treatment asap.

Bogeyface · 20/04/2014 20:56

And regarding your DH I suggest you say "I am so sorry that I upset you earlier, I am just worried about and I wasnt thinking about what I was saying. I have got the number for the OOH doctors, do you want to ring them or shall we do it together?" smile, be nice, be apologetic and calm.