Please be brutally honest.

[1981fkr]

Ok, only joined the site today as looking for some answers. I am 33 been marked for 11 years this August and have 3 kids- 6,4,2 and one due the end of the month. My husband is a hard worker fiercely loyal and a dedicated family man ( 39yrs) we have a somewhat healthy happy privileged marriage and life but just no sex- please done let the 4 children make you think otherwise.

It took 5 years to conceive our first and I am wondering if the stress and planned make out sessions took all the fun out of it, but when I look at our earlier dating days we never had a fab sex life anyway.

I could never cheat so the last few years I turned to erotica books to get my kicks, I know the alpha males in these books are somewhat unreal but I wish I could ignite some heat or excitement in my relationship.

When I mention my issue to my husband, his attitude is too laid back, he would be like " we can have sex if you want" " I will never turn you down" etc etc, he is not understanding that I need him to once in a blue moon look at me like he wants to rip my clothes off or make a move.

I am a stay at home mum and a typical femine women, I love dressing up and making an effort like sexy undies, nice dresses etc and this just always gets ignored.

I would class myself as genetically blessed as I have a pleasant body - no stretch marks, extra weight or bad features, I get so much male attention and kind comments from women but it's not them I want to notice me, despite all the attention I attract I now lack confidence in myself and and so angry at husband and as I have been a loyal good wife and mother and feel I get nothing back, he truly thinks bringing home a nice wage every month and being a dedicated family man is enough- I know I may sound full of it and selfish but I am just 33 and have a bubbly personality and want to be romanced once in a while but never ever see this happening from him.

I seriously cannot read anymore erotica books and dream I'm the leading lady and feel satisfied. Divorce really is not an option for me as it would be stupid to throw what we have away for sex but I have no idea if it is me.

I drop hints all the time, as we are due our 4th baby any day, I have mentioned that with the breast feeding and recovery sex will be a no go for a few months but still nothing, pushing aside my hurt feelings and anger I can honestly say we have sex probably 8-10 year.

Thank you for reading- any advice and comments are welcome.

I think you have to let the caveman go. Not every man is a caveman in the sack, and thats ok.

Possibly the erotica is making you more frustrated, when I imagine the initial idea was to ease your frustration. Those books are all "then he took me on the kitchen floor" and I'd wager there are very very few of us who've been taken on a kitchen floor recently! It's dangerous to compare your life to, what is lets face it, fiction.

You cannot change an easy going man into a tiger. You just can't. He was never like that, it's not gonna happen. He's never going to rip your clothes off.

On the other hand, he apparently is never going to turn you down either. So either you initiate it every week and see if thats true and get loads of sex, or stay stewing and wait for a tiger that'll never appear.

Well, you have definitely had sex 4 times more than me in the past 6 years so I think you just need to know that the amount of sex you are having is probably more 'normal' than you think it is. I would love 8/10 times a year! I would love once!

Your needs are obviously imbalanced, or yours are heightened because of your pregnancy. Can you not 'please' yourself?

Thank you! I agree about the books, I must admit I do use these and the characters to try and get the ball rolling with reading extracts from them and sharing bits and bobs and he thinks my head is in the cloud but surely that should also tell him I'm in need of something, it does not have to be aggressive or fifty shades of grey style but just some attention.

Um.. an interesting response The Awful Daughter How many threads on here are from women whose husbands wants more sex than them and are having an affair or threatening to leave because of it and the almost universal response is that he is a bastard and is not entitled to sex and should cope on his own. If a man does leave his partner for this reason alone he is almost universally condemned on here. How is it therefore perfectly ok for the OP to ditch her marriage for the same reason if she is not happy? OP, only you can decide if you are prepared to / able to tolerate this situation and for how long and at what cost. If you and your DH cannot resolve it between you then there are other options than leaving such as an open relationship but that is obviously a fairly big step. Hope things improve after DC4.

Fairylights
I think a partner of any gender is entitled to end a relationship if there is no sexual compatibility. I don't think it's entitled to want or need a sex life whether you are male or female. Coercion, threats and entitled behaviour is not on in me. Or women, but hoping for and asking for some reciprocity is not any of the above.
I also don't think she should think herself lucky for getting sex once every 6 weeks. That's not enough for some people and that's fine. Just because some people have less sex than that doesn't mean the OP should feel wrong for wanting more. I wouldn't be happy with sex less than once a week all being well and that's just my standards. There is nothing wrong with having a healthy libido.
OP, does your husband enjoy sex when it gets going? Does he masturbate? Watch porn? Just trying to work out whether he genuinely has a minuscule libido or whether he is just sexually lazy. For what it's worth I couldn't live without the throw down, I would rather have no relationship or sex than paltry, up satisfying sex. There is nothing wrong with that.

I didn't go off on one..I suggested that it is often the case that a problem presented from the male point of view gets a different response than the female. I am not remotely suggesting that the op should stay in an unhappy marriage if it truly is unhappy, whatever the cause. And of course the betrayal and deception of an affair is never justified. However as you rightly point out, other threads are irrelevant to the ops situation which has a great deal of positives and hopefully will have a happy outcome. .but I entirely agree that if she really cannot accept the status quo then she would not be unreasonable to leave if all else fails.

Wow, thank you each for your responses. Hope I cover most of the comments and questions.

Sadly I did try to go down the " satisfying myself route" but knew this just would not go past 1st gear, I spent loads on Bondara website, watched online porn, etc etc but I can never reach release ( sorry for the extra info) but more importantly I just don't enjoy my own company in that way and I get so angered sometimes that I am having to try out these things when my perfectly healthy husband sits down stairs and watches match of the day.

I cannot comment for him but he should have no confidence issues in his body, size or performance. I think I may just need to accept that he is just not that into bedroom antics - he has watched the odd porn clipping with me but nothing really aroused him, when I have asked about masturbation he says probably once a month but not out of pleasure but more release from his "morning wood" then why he'll not turn to me! . I have looked at this from every point of view and am over confident in saying he hasn't and would not cheat, nor is he gay :) honestly.

When I do speak about it all his common responses are : I love you and would never say no to you, you put me of it when you talk about it too much( just beforehand) eg : why can't you just come onto me without talking about it - he says he prefers contact rather than conversation, but I see the talking as foreplay, if we are downstairs just about heading to bed I honestly don't think there is anything wrong with saying something along the lines like "I can't wait to get under you blah blah blah"

Yes I can keep quiet and always initiate sex but I would end up hating it, it would be to robotic for me.

When I brought the washing in a few hours ago I was thinking about it all and I think this is my life from now on out, I can only see the issue getting worst rather than better, I love him so dearly and I know he loves me but need to find a way to accept that this maybe our future... But it hurts.

I will never divorce him over this I would be crazy and selfish to do so. my children adore their father and it works both ways, maybe we are sexually incompatible which is so sad but I honestly cannot think of anything else to try, say or do.

Never really considered that our sexual activity is a normal average, maybe my head is away with all those books I read, but I always come back to the simple facts

Me - 33, him 39, married, still attracted to each other, have our own comfy bed, no physical or mental problems, kids in bed by 8 every night, so why no sex!!!!!

Hi, never been in this situation so no personal experience to offer you any advice, but i can imagine how frustrating it must be. Some men are either one way or the other. Sounds like you have a nice life together so would be a shame to let it ruin your relationship, guess your next step is to lie the cards down and tell him how your feeling

I am sitting here now really debating about giving him the iPad and letting him read this thread- all of it, not out of spite but pure desperation.

I have emailed him before and explained how I feel and how I would like a date night once a month, more attention as a women more than a wife and mummy and he makes out he understands and will try but since then I can only remember one date night.

He is not an overly excitable man, nor romantic or impulsive and I knew this when I said I do but I believe we have a duty to each other to keep the fire alive and please one another within reason.

We do have a lovely life together but just feel like his flat mate.

think him reading this thread may be an eye opener for him tbh

I think your concerns are entirely valid. You two are not just friends and you should be having a physical relationship. He is neglecting a huge part of his marriage. I think you should sit him down and explain how neglected you feel. 8 times a year is not enough. Do as he says and initiate sex more often to see he does keep to his word. If his libido has declined perhaps he should see his doctor. The experts say the more you do it the more you want it. I think he is taking a big risk because you would not be the first person to seek an intimate relationship outside your marriage. I am not saying you would but am saying he is not trying hard enough to keep you satisfied.

I think he needs to go to the gp

Thank you, in tears reading this.

• Did not end up giving this for him to read.

I went up to bed last night leaving him watching tv, he noticed my usual bedtime bottle of water in my hand and asked if I was going bed, I said bath first as eyed the matches in my hand for the candles.

Shocking me to the core he asked if I wanted company, I said I don't mind and come if you like with a smile, He started tutting and rolled his eyes and said you either do or don't , looking back I can now see how I could have avoided an issue by just saying" yes please come keep me company" but I wanted him to take the lead for once maybe saying- I will be up in a minute to keep you company.

Anyhow lit the candles, was enjoying my bubble bath.... Waiting....waiting...waiting, started to turn into a prune so just got out and went bed.

Everything feels tight on my bump at the moment so I have been wearing his t shirts to bed, so I picked the smallest one I could find, smothered myself in lotion etc and waited for him to come bed... He did about 30 mins later, it was obvious I was not asleep and I was hoping he would snuggle in behind me or hold me at least but nada not even a brush of a leg.

I am seriously emotionally drained, thank you all so much for the comments and suggestions, I have taken all of them on board and will update in a few months time.

TBH double standards on display here as usualy. If this post was written by a man people would be asking what he does around the house or with the kids to deserve sex, saying how his excessive sexual drive was his problem and how he was a selfish git for pressuring you into more sex... etc.

Then there would be the porn, sorry, 'erotica', debate. Surely this 'erotica' is giving you a warped and unrealistic view of men and sex in general.

whitesugar "He is neglecting a huge part of his marriage. I think you should sit him down and explain how neglected you feel. 8 times a year is not enough."

You say 8 times isn't enough, well how about 12, 18, 24? At what point does his desire for sex become 'acceptable' and the OP's become unacceptably demanding?

This sounds like a fundamental compatibility issue here and I don't think it is right to blame either person. It appears OP wants spontaneous and passionate but her DH is more of the solid dependable type.

Time for a serious discussion without blame.

see, I think he tried there - he outright asked you if you wanted company, he WAS taking the lead, but your subtle response confused him - you said you didnt mind, which probably, no him, meant you werent that bothered either way.
he isnt a mindreader. when you say the words that indicate you are not bothered perhaps he just doesnt have the emotionasl/intuative nous to understand that really you mean YES.

Maybe your husband doesn't feel the need to tell you how wonderful and attractive you are ad you already do it enough for the both of you?

How much physical contact is there normally? Do you hug each other and kiss each other as a matter of course, or is it only when you're expecting sex?

I think you are expecting a lot without communicating what you want. You hoped he would snuggle up to you, but he didn't - maybe you could have turned and snuggled up to him instead? OK, you don't always want to be the one taking the lead, but how is he to know that it's okay to touch you? You were obviously not asleep, but someone can be obviously not asleep and be pumping out vibes of resentment - I'm not saying you were, but it's not always easy to tell what mood people are in if they don't say anything. Maybe he thought you were almost asleep, and didn't want to disturb you. Maybe he thought you not wanting him in the bath (because you didn't actually say "yes please") meant he thought you didn't want him at all, or that you were pissed off with him. The thing is, I have no idea, and neither do you, because you're not communicating.

Neither of you is psychic - you do need to talk. Don't expect him to do the running, because he hasn't all this time, so he's unlikely to start now, particularly if you just expect it without ever saying so. Just talk to him.

Too much hinting and not enough clarity it seems to me.

Also, if he doesnt' like to talk about it beforehand, could you not go along with that if it helps? Seems silly to do something he doesn't like.

Sympathies though. It sounds an uphill struggle.

I wonder if this is really about sex. This feeling of being unfulfilled and yearning to be noticed is quite typical of SAHM. I am not criticising the decision to stay at home in the slightest, it's a hugely positive choice, as long as you are getting enough stimulation from it. But I wonder if you are.

I wonder if you had some kind of sphere of achievement for yourself, that there would be less focus and pressure on your husband to 'fulfil' you.

Your OP is very Madame Bovary down to the sexual fantasies from erotic novels. It's quite an old fashioned idea that a woman can be fully satisfied by a husband and kids, and it didn't work for Emma, any more than it did for 50s housewives.

I don't think fantasy is good way of dealing with a feeling of lack in yourself or your life.

Your life will now be taken up with another baby which will fill up the gap for a while. But perhaps once he/she's old enough you might start thinking about training to do something, perhaps from home, that would fit in with family life, and also give you a sense of fulfilment.

I read a lot of drivel too, escapist fun but you have to remember that the heroes in this stuff anticipate stuff and my dh at least needs me to be completely direct. That said, I wouldn't be happy with 8-10 x per year, you need to try and get to the bottom of it - perhaps he's just a bit tired? You have a lot of small dc? Talk to him kindly and directly.

I can understand your frustration but at the same time it sounds like you want him to be someone he's not. He seems like a solid, dependable, direct man, he's not Romeo or Cassanova and you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect him to be like that. I understand you not always wanting to be the one who initiates things but it sounds like you need to be a bit more direct with him, with the bath thing you could have just said "yes please" instead of the flirtatious hinting. And if he's not a talker he's just going to feel uncomfortable with lots of sexy talk, which is not a sexy feeling. It just comes down to communicating with him in a way he feels comfortable with and understands, and a bit of compromise.

I am In the same situation except think we are a bit younger than you two, 24-29.

When I got pregnant our sex life dropped, now our daughter is 2 and it has not recovered so like you it is 8-10 times a year. What makes me laugh is before I got pregnant I used to moan about having sex once a week, how would that old me feel if she knew what is was like now?

I feel jealous when I hear women complaining about their husbands always wanting sex etc, I think at least he has desire towards you!

My husband has never been a sexual guy, he never watches porn (I always checked and never found any) he tells me does not masturbate and I do believe that too! He never been one to have one night stands, he just had long term relationships. I think he has an low sex drive.

My husband says to me, if you want sex then come to me but I feel embarrassed coming to him as I feel we are only having sex because I wanted it? I am really shy and he doesn't seem bothered...its catch 22. I feel unless we do something about it someone may come into our lives who we find attractive and we may be more likely to cheat or even leave.

Just posting to say you are not alone.