Please be brutally honest.

[1981fkr]

Ok, only joined the site today as looking for some answers. I am 33 been marked for 11 years this August and have 3 kids- 6,4,2 and one due the end of the month. My husband is a hard worker fiercely loyal and a dedicated family man ( 39yrs) we have a somewhat healthy happy privileged marriage and life but just no sex- please done let the 4 children make you think otherwise.

It took 5 years to conceive our first and I am wondering if the stress and planned make out sessions took all the fun out of it, but when I look at our earlier dating days we never had a fab sex life anyway.

I could never cheat so the last few years I turned to erotica books to get my kicks, I know the alpha males in these books are somewhat unreal but I wish I could ignite some heat or excitement in my relationship.

When I mention my issue to my husband, his attitude is too laid back, he would be like " we can have sex if you want" " I will never turn you down" etc etc, he is not understanding that I need him to once in a blue moon look at me like he wants to rip my clothes off or make a move.

I am a stay at home mum and a typical femine women, I love dressing up and making an effort like sexy undies, nice dresses etc and this just always gets ignored.

I would class myself as genetically blessed as I have a pleasant body - no stretch marks, extra weight or bad features, I get so much male attention and kind comments from women but it's not them I want to notice me, despite all the attention I attract I now lack confidence in myself and and so angry at husband and as I have been a loyal good wife and mother and feel I get nothing back, he truly thinks bringing home a nice wage every month and being a dedicated family man is enough- I know I may sound full of it and selfish but I am just 33 and have a bubbly personality and want to be romanced once in a while but never ever see this happening from him.

I seriously cannot read anymore erotica books and dream I'm the leading lady and feel satisfied. Divorce really is not an option for me as it would be stupid to throw what we have away for sex but I have no idea if it is me.

I drop hints all the time, as we are due our 4th baby any day, I have mentioned that with the breast feeding and recovery sex will be a no go for a few months but still nothing, pushing aside my hurt feelings and anger I can honestly say we have sex probably 8-10 year.

Thank you for reading- any advice and comments are welcome.

I agree with alphabook.
He seems a solid, reliable man with a low sex drive. It is more common than society wants us to believe imo.
Not every man is up for it all the time.

And it is not your fault at all.
It may help your self esteem if you tell yourself that every day.

An honest conversation may be needed. About what he likes, if possible what he secretly desires. You say he doesn't like the "dirty" talk at all, so talk about it without any emotions, disect your sex life. He may have ideas you don't know about.

You have small children, how much time on your own - just the two of you - do you get? Family life with small children can be so draining that sex is the last thing on anyone's mind.

Two people with different sex drives can be happy together as long as you're open about it. You need to talk about your needs. Tell him you feel rejected, you need to feel he fancies you, etc.
Your problems don't sound hopeless. As long as there is conversation, there is hope.

^What LongTime said.

When it went wrong about bath time, why didn't you just clarify and invite him up? Why did you sit in the bath stewing and intentionally building frustration and resentment. Obviously it may not follow this script each time but in this scenario you allowed the situation to occur as it did and then you are holding it against him.

If he's not going to turn you down why not initiate it and keep the dirty talk until he's turned on? He may just need to be more confident and when he finds his stride again, he may become the stallion you want.
If I started with the sexy talk over Flog It DH would blush and hide, spend a few minutes getting him in the mood and he will be whispering all sorts in my ear.

It sounds like it's less the frequency he wants to do it and more that there's an incomparability when you do that's making him reluctant?

My late hubby and I had an 18 year age difference. Erectile dysfunction came into our lives when he was diagnosed with diabetes. I was 32 years old when ED entered our lives.

But ............. bath times were 'loving times'. We didn't always get into the bath together, but one of us would run a bath for the other, light the candles and then say "I have run your bath". Put some aroma scent in the water - it pervades the house!

I have spent many a happy hour sitting on the toilet (lid down!) and chatting to DH. Sometimes he would invite me in - but it didn't matter if he didn't. We were close enough.

The foot massages he gave me were to die for!

1981: he isn't an actor in your movie. You have built up all sorts if scenarios of how you want him to act, but he hasn't got the same script. Last night he asked if he should come with you, and you did your film starlette coquette act...and he didn't have the same plot. He ASKED if he should come up. You gave him a confusing response.

Get couples counselling with a Relate counsellor who is experienced in sexual relationships.

Please STOP! This guy sounds like a passive aggressive to the core. And 8-10 times a year is a fucking joke. The problem here is not even his 'low libido'. It is the total lack of considerstion for OP's needs. Screams passive aggressive to me. And you know what, OP, they never change. It just gets worse. My condolences... :-(

.

Is it because ur pregnant ? I get what u mean it's not yen amount u want him to want you and not just do it as a favour - my husband would never pressure me but any hint I'm il for it he's straight to it ! I know we have probs as I let stress affect our sex life but I would b upset if He didn't want to have me once I gave the go ahead . U do have young children tho - could he be exhausted ? X

I love you and would never say no to you - how generous, he is willing to service the old cow when she demands it. Big big guy.

Yes, yes, Val007 is nearer the truth.

My DH is v undemonstrative in real life but always cuddles up in bed.

WTF he comes to bed and, despite knowing you are awake, just gets in to bed and goes to sleep. Absolutely not normal, he should have cuddled you or read a book or spoken a word (how hard is that) this is cruel.

He is punishing you for something - but what?

Sounds like you have mis matched sexual desires really. You want him to be the rugged take me on the bathroom floor now type. He wants you to be the empowered YES I WANT YOU type. I imagine that's why your femme fatale reaction to the bath caused the eye rolling.

You both need to talk about this, sulking and seething on both sides won't fix it.

I don't think for a second he's punishing you OP, I think you're both just at sea about how to sexually connect with each other.

Afraid you are coming across as quite bored and self-indulgent OP, to me anyway. Stop burying your head in fiction and look at reality. You have 4 kids and what sounds to be a very good man in your life. Talk to him honestly about this with no more of this childish game playing. And then make some proper, grown up decisions about what is important to you. If you think you deserve better than him, then no man should have to live with such a woman. Sorry- never written such a harsh post before but you did ask for honesty and I think you need it.

Gormless, I think the OP is doing amazingly and pretty switched on and down to earth if all her kids are in bed by 8 and she has time for a long bath. I urge you, Gormless, to eat just 8 times for the next month. Please come back then and let us know what your dreams are about. Roast chicken? Cake? How would you like it if we then told you to grow up and stay hungry for the sake of your kids? Wouldn't you just loooove it?! You are not only harsh - you didn't read the whole thread and you completely lack empathy. If you cannot imagine OP's frustration, please, at least don't push the knife deeper into the wound :-(

"This guy sounds like a passive aggressive to the core. And 8-10 times a year is a fucking joke. The problem here is not even his 'low libido'. It is the total lack of considerstion for OP's needs."

I disagree with this completely. I have a lower libido than my husband (admittedly not this low) and my husband tends to be the one who initiates sex. That seems to be acceptable in our society, because the man is expected to be the leader. But if he's not then he must just be a nasty selfish twat? I don't get it. I refer back to my earlier comment that the OP seems to want him to be some kind of medieval knight sweeping her off the feet and throwing her onto the bed and it's clearly just not in his nature.

It's not like he's rejecting her advances, it's not like he's secretly masturbating to porn while showing no interest in her, that would be inconsiderate of her needs. 8 to 10 times a year is not a "joke" if he does have a really low sex drive. It just sounds like the OP and her DH have lost the ability to communicate with each other. The bath example seems a classic one to me. Maybe he thought he was putting himself out there and taking the lead by asking if she wanted company, and he interpreted her response as a lukewarm rejection?

My DH has a lower sex drive than me. I usually initiate and it does get frustrating after a while, I would like him to want me and start things himself. He has also said "I wouldn't turn you down" to me (which is not true actually!), well, that's generous! Makes me feel like a sex pest!

We cope though. I initiate and take matters into my own hands when I know he is very tired and the chance of him turning me down is higher. Sometimes I am frustrated and he apologizes but if he isn't in the mood then he isn't in the mood.

I do take a bit of comfort in thinking that he is very unlikely to ever cheat on me since he is not that interested in sex...

He did turn her down! In his own twisted passive aggressive way. In which he gets to be the good guy in everyone else's eyes and she still doesn't get what she wants and needs. And you are all blaming the OP ffs - confusion is the main tool of the passive aggressive. Getting you to doubt yourself too.

So...he offered to join her in the bath. And he didn't. I don't see anything the OP did or said which would provoke him to change his mind. To turn around 180 degrees. Actions speak louder than words. Please do not tell me that in any normal relationship it's ok to leave go to bed without ANY interaction without having a fight or similar. ANY. When he knows petfectly wrll what she wants - sex. So he plays dead in order to avoid it. Again. I am sure the OP is not just missing the sex. She is missing the intimacy, the connection, the bond. It is not her fault. 'I don't mind' is a pretty positive response and I am sure I know why the OP chose it - to avoid ice cold rejection once again. She has learned to protect her heart from the pain by making it look like it's not a huge deal. Because she has no choice really. Please OP, come back for some clarification.

And, please, people with very low sex drive -you really cannot begin to imagine how she feels. You are not on the receiving end of sexual frustration, are you? On the opposite more like it...