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Original poster

Are long term single men in their mid 30's really to be avoided?

39 replies

celine11 · 19/04/2014 16:30

I am 35 and single, have been for a few years and haven't really been looking as I lost my previous partner to cancer. I went back to uni and moved back to my home town. Currently staying with my parents.

I have met a man though a mutual friend. He seems really nice, he is also 35, he has his own business and I find him attractive and I feel there is a bit of a spark. He is a bit shy and he hasn't ever had a girlfriend as far as I know he is very short, only 5 foot 5 and my friend says he was pretty much over looked by women due to his looks I can see he might not be every womans cup of tea but I think he is attractive.

I guess I am waiting till I see him again to see if the chemistry is still there and if it is maybe ask him out. I spoke to my girlfriends about this though and the general feeling was if he is still single at 35 and especially his lack of dating experiance means that is a huge red flag. I think he had a few short term (lasting a few weeks) relationships in his 20's but he always lost out to the other guy.

I think he puts all his energy into his business and hobbies as an outlet and I can imagine he has his life set up just as it suits him but I do get the sense of his interest and his loneliness.

Anyway what do you think, am I swimming into dangerous waters here, anything i need to know about?

OP posts:
Original poster
celine11 · 19/04/2014 16:32

re his work and hobbies: might he be a bit set in his ways and struggle to find space in his life for a girlfriend even if in many ways it is what he wants?

OP posts:
supportworker · 19/04/2014 16:35

In my opinion every person in the world is a bit crazy/obscure/avoidable as well as being interesting/compatible/wonderful

its about finding out what works for you rather than what works for other people. I know lots of people who have found love in their thirties.

chocolatespiders · 19/04/2014 16:49

It's probably a confidence issue.
Worth going on a few dates to see how it goes

PassAFist · 19/04/2014 16:54

My DH was 30 when I met him and had never had a relationship last more than 2 months at that point. We have been together for 17 years. He says he had just never met anyone that kept his interest before.

Worth getting to know him better I think!

Twinklestein · 19/04/2014 16:57

Definitely worth pursuing, there are no guarantees even if he'd had loads of gfs.

VivaLeBeaver · 19/04/2014 17:00

Dh was 37 when I met him and had only had two serious relationships before, neither of which lasted longer than a year. He'd never lived with anyone, his mum thought he was gay as he'd never taken anyone back to meet her.

We've been together 14 years now. He is fixed on his hobby still and expects to be able to do that most weekends so goes off with his mates and leaves me and dd. that might just be him I guess.

DeadCert · 19/04/2014 17:17

Maybe he's single because he's very particular? I don't think it's fair to say its a red flag because he's single in his 30's.

I would definitely wait and see how you feel when you next see him.

dorathedestroyer · 19/04/2014 17:17

I think by the time you're in your thirties, it's swings and roundabouts - do you want someone who's been single for a long time, and whatever baggage goes with that, or do you want someone who's just out of a long-term relationship, possibly with children and an ex?

For what it's worth, I know more than a few people, men and women, who're in their late 30s and unmarried, and in most cases, it's been more down to bad luck than any massive character faults. Some have been hurt and ended up guarding their hearts a bit, some have been working long hours to get their careers off the ground, some have been in male/female dominated workplaces where they haven't met anyone... Lots of reasons. Most of them get their companionship/affection from hobbies or their strong friendships, and I think that's the question I'd be asking - does this guy have friends who care for him, and can vouch for his general loveability?

brokenhearted55a · 19/04/2014 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
celine11 · 19/04/2014 17:35

Thanks for that, I do think he is a decent guy but just never found the right person, been a bit shy etc.

He does have nice friends many of whom I know but most of them are partnered up now so he doesn't get out and about as much with them.

I guess concerns about people who haven't been in a long term relationship is that it kind of wears the edges off you, you learn to compromise, make scarifices which a long term single person might find really difficult especially if they are now mature adults who have always been able to suit themselves.

He might feel I have too much baggage so who knows!

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/04/2014 18:05

I don't think lack of long term relationships is necessarily a bigger red flag than having been in long term relationships.

Married men can be just as uncompromising and set in their ways as single men.

Evaluate him for what he does instead of his lack of relationship history.

KingfishersCatchFire · 19/04/2014 18:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklyboots · 19/04/2014 18:15

My DP was 36 when I met him and had only had two previous GF worth mentioning, one of those was quite serious but in his early 20s.

I haven't found him to be particularly inflexible and think there is a real benefit to being the first person he is negotiating a living space with, he genuinely listens to my position because he neither thinks that he's heard it all before or had a better system with a previous partner.

I think there is no harm in dating him. If he's inflexible, difficult or in some way incapable of having a relationship (with you), you'll discover that and move on. You aren't signing up to marry him, OP. If there are red flags, you'll notice them soon enough.

dorathedestroyer · 19/04/2014 18:17

Sorry, just to clarify, I didn't mean that there was anything wrong with dating someone with children and an ex, just that it's a different set of issues to negotiate your way around - there's always going to be something by this stage in life, whether it's work, parents, exes, children, very demanding pets...

I agree with other posters that only you can work out if he's right for you, and not to be put off by speculation for his singleness. 'Huge red flags' seems a bit hard - are they all in comfortable long-term relationships, by any chance? From what you've said, he sounds much more promising than scary.

heyfattynomore · 19/04/2014 18:20

Dors, thank goodness for you; I am 33 and single. Never been in a relationship. I'm trying to grope my way around an internet dating site but am very worried that confessing to having never been in a relationship will put them off.

stripeycandyfloss · 19/04/2014 18:53

My DH was 38 when we met and had never had a girlfriend. Too busy with his career and time-consuming hobbies, plus a little bit shy around women. Like Viva, I think his family had all begun to assume that he was gay.

20 years later, and he is a fantastic husband and father and everyone thinks he is very good looking. No one can understand how he remained single for so long, but he was obviously waiting for me. Easter Grin

I had baggage in terms of a LOT of men in my past, but as I knew that he didn't, we have simply never discussed it. It would have intimidated him, and it was irrelevant for me once we met.

Your situation is different, having lost your previous partner so sadly, but I would suggest that you go easy on discussing any previous relationships beyond that.

Yes, DH is still a bit set in his ways from his single days, but an occasional rant jolts him out it for a few months at a time. I've definitely trained him to use a laundry basket on 364 days out of 365, so we are getting there. Smile

Go for it!

YoHoHoandabottleofWine · 19/04/2014 18:56

DH was 36 when he met me. He was (and still is) perfectly normal.

stripeycandyfloss · 19/04/2014 19:03

heyfattynomore, maybe you can take some comfort from my post. You don't actually have to discuss your past with a new partner.

Some people on here might disagree, but I have never seen it as something that is compulsory. The past is the past. Let it rest.

heyfattynomore · 19/04/2014 19:08

I hope I meet someone understanding like yourself, stripey! :)

Sunnydaysablazeinhope · 19/04/2014 19:18

Well...if it were a film there would be a back story. Your acting as if there isn't one. That's weird. He's great but no girlfriend and 35?

He's gay.

KathrynJaneway · 19/04/2014 19:27

Unless he still lives with his mother I don't think I'd be worried, he doesn't live with his mother does he?? My bil recently met someone and he was living with his mother up until then. He's 40. He's far too used to having everything done for him, they had a baby straight away and I think she's stuck doing everything, he doesn't lift a finger, still brings his clothes home for mummy to wash.

heyfattynomore · 19/04/2014 20:49

I have never had a boyfriend, I'm 33, I'm not gay.

Sometimes it does happen.

BOEUFster · 19/04/2014 20:58

It doesn't mean he's gay, ffs!

He sounds nice, OP- give him a go.

rabbitrisen · 19/04/2014 21:03

I dont think that you have got anything to lose, and potentially a lot to gain.

Achica123 · 19/04/2014 21:23

I think it is worth going out a few times with him to figure out whether there is something worth pursuing or not. 30+ without previous relationships isn't something unusual; so I wouldn't raise the red flag. Good luck

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