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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally abusive husband won't accept it's over

29 replies

Holly300 · 19/04/2014 15:59

I told my ea husband a couple of weeks ago that I want to separate/divorce. At the time he seemed like he was in agreement and we had planned to tell the kids this morning. Kids stayed at my parents last night so that we could talk, and he was saying that he wants to try again, he'd stop being abusive, put me first, etc He also made me feel bad about the fact his mum is very ill at the moment and he doesn't have anyone he feels he can talk to. He's had many chances in the past to change as well as us having marriage counselling for a year. I know that he will never change! He has proved that in the past.

The problem is that he just won't accept that it's over and that I won't give him another chance. I wanted to tell the children as I felt that our eldest (8) knew something is up already. We had agreed what we were going to say and now he said he can't do it. I don't know what to do as I know it will be more damaging for the kids if I tell him without him there.

I hate the fact that I'm having to be so blunt and cold with him and that he's hurting so much. I can't help caring about his feelings, despite the complete and utter hell he's put me through these last 12 years.

Don't really know what I'm posting for... Maybe for some support and a hand hold. I'm feeling so frustrated and low Sad

OP posts:
clam · 19/04/2014 16:09

You don't need his permission to end it, you know. If you stick to your guns and keep repeating that it's over, he's going to have to accept it.

Where's he sleeping? Who's doing his cooking and laundry at the moment?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 19/04/2014 16:14

You wouldn't be human if you weren't finding this hard - even though you know this is the right decision, it must hurt to be ending something that started with lots of dreams and happiness. You need to grieve for what might-have-been and should-have-been.

I can't speak from experience, but I know that there are wise and caring people on here who,have walked the path you are walking, and who will be along to offer their wisdom. But I didn't want your post to go unanswered, and I did want to let you know that I am thinking of you as you go through this.

{{{hugs}}}

wyrdyBird · 19/04/2014 16:14

If he's EA, he isn't hurting or having hurt feelings the way you would have them. So try not to feel too sorry for him.

He's put you through hell for twelve years because he is self serving, and used to using you as a stress relieving verbal punchbag. He's used to being in control. Now he's not in control, and you are no longer going to be available to be emotionally abused when he feels like it. This is probably why he's distressed.

My best advice is to stay strong, and don't worry too much about what you tell the children. Find the best way to do it, given the circumstances, and do it.

Don't wait for him to do his part, because he probably won't do what he's agreed to do.

You're doing the right thing. Don't go back, he will not change.
Flowers

CogitoEggySometimes · 19/04/2014 16:20

Well done for giving him a consistent message. Try not to feel 'blunt and cold' .... you've got a job to do and, if someone's not listening, you can't faff about trying not to hurt their feelings you have to set it out in black and white. As you say, he hasn't given a toss about your feelings down the years. Now he knows how it feels

There's often a pattern to these things and, if he has form for emotional abuse, he'll be trying to manipulate you. So be alert to the following.

  • Soft soap, remorse, promises to change, promises to attend courses, counselling
  • Guilt-tripping .... the kids, his mum, you owe me another chance, etc
  • Anger.... when nothing's working, emotional abuse can morph into aggression so be careful
  • Threats .... 'I'll kill myself' is right up there, for example. 'I'll sue for custody', 'I'll make you homeless'... etc.
  • Stonewalling.... refusal to acknowledge letters, calls, conversations

There are others. I would suggest, as he's not taking you seriously, that you now up the ante and talk to a solicitor. It's always better if you can agree things between you in the first instance but, when faced with hostility, it may be that you have to start the divorce process unilaterally.

Good luck and harden your heart.

Original poster
Holly300 · 19/04/2014 17:20

Thanks so much for the support and reassurance.

He is still living in the house, won't leave. I'm not doing any of his washing or cooking. He's sleeping in our bed but I have told him I think it's best he stays on the sofa.

I really hate how he's making me feel. He's trying to be all helpful and attentive we keep going round in circles. It's painful to keep having to say - it's over, it's not going to happen, I don't love you like that anymore, the damage is done and can't be fixed etc. feeling emotionally exhausted.

OP posts:
abbykins3 · 19/04/2014 18:18

At the risk of sounding stupid Holly,is he aware that he’s been an absolute arse?

Lweji · 19/04/2014 18:41

You can tell the children while he is in the room.

And you should get legal advice to get him out of the house, if he doesn't go soon.

His reaction is typical.
I think they expect punishment, but not to be dumped. They expect that their usual bullshit will still work. And think that they can control what happens.

Be careful how you proceed, though. He may make things very difficult for you.
Expect threats of all sorts, pleading, cries, possibly some physical violence.

Original poster
Holly300 · 19/04/2014 20:47

He does know how awful he's been. But in this situation where he's desperate, it's easy for him to admit he was wrong.

I really don't know how to get out of this mess! I was so confident and strong on this and now I'm just feeling so sad for him, for all of us. I know I've been emotionally manipulated (emotionally blackmailed) to feel this way. And I've told him this.

It's so hard as he's being extra nice to me now and the kids see this and I don't want them seeing this and then see me being a bitch back at him. iykwim?

I'm not willing to tell the kids without him at this stage, I will if I have to at some point though. I feel that they need to be able to understand and ask us both questions when they need to.

OP posts:
superstarheartbreaker · 19/04/2014 20:53

Don't feel sorry for him. Your the one who needs kindness and you need to get rid of this"Man".

Genesgirl · 19/04/2014 20:59

Hi Holly, have been where you are 14 years ago now and it sounds so familiar. A big difference was I didn't have kids then and I know that makes a HUGE difference. I was massively emotionally abused and manipulated through our 6 years together though I couldn't see it then so clearly as I can now. Once we were parting I also had so much empathy for my EA ex (even though he was the one who wanted out and managed to have two affairs! Yes you read that right!). I was worried so much for him and his family etc etc. All I wanted to say is in retrospect now married to someone completely different who is emotionally mature and an equal and happy to let me be me, warts and all, it is so, so different. All I would advise is stay strong and focus on what is important to you, your health, your DC, your job if you have one. I found focusing on what I wanted and not what I didn't really helped but I do understand where you are coming from. Message me if I can help further, much love xx

wyrdyBird · 19/04/2014 21:12

It is hard.

His being extra nice to you now does make it harder, because the temptation is to think that all the unpleasant stuff is in the past. It isn't, it's just part of the cycle: but it's much easier to reject someone who is being vile to you in the moment, than to reject someone who has been vile to you, and will be again. It does make you feel in the wrong, I know :( ...but you aren't.

Your children are too young to understand why you're breaking up, and they might blame you, it's true. But you can't allow yourself to be emotionally abused for this reason. In the long run they will feel much happier when you are happier, and free from abuse.

hamptoncourt · 19/04/2014 23:44

Oh dear. Do you own the house? If so, you will have to initiate divorce proceedings in order to make him leave.

If you rent, can you just leave yourself if he won't go?

Perhaps once he realises you mean what you say he will revert to his real persona and that will make it all much easier for you.

CogitoEggySometimes · 20/04/2014 07:40

Point 2.... guilt-tripping. Very predictable emotional manipulation designed to get you worried that you'll look like a bitch when you kick him out anyway. Ker-ching!

It's a holiday weekend so there's not much you can practically do except detach and keep restating that, come Tuesday, you'll be seeing a solicitor and it would be better if he packed and left. Don't lose sight of the end goal.

Handywoman · 20/04/2014 08:53

I've been there, OP. Ten years of misery and low-level EA. Agree with Cog, you have a job to do here. Keep your eye on the prize because there is nothing here to save. Can you take the kids out for the day?

CeruleanStars · 20/04/2014 09:30

I'm so sorry to say this but even if he is being nice now it won't stay that way. You've done so well to be strong and tell him it is over, please don't go back now - you owe it to yourself to move on.

Newlife200 · 22/06/2017 16:39

holly

do what you think

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2017 16:46

He is gaslighting you because that's what emotionally abusive people do. He thinks that if he can make you feel guilty enough he can stay. His mum is sick? Too fucking bad. She is his responsibility, not yours. Give in and say you'll work on the marriage and I guarantee you'll be in this exact same position a year from now.

SandyY2K · 22/06/2017 16:48

The fact that he is well aware of the abuse, is every reason to stick to your guns.

Simply tell him that he's run out of chances and your heart isn't in it any more. He has killed the love you once had for him.

Dragging it out isn't helping anyone.

Reachingout1 · 22/06/2017 16:58

Op, I could of written this post with the odd change here and there. I am going through exactly the same. Big hugs to you. Stay strong. X

Anniegetyourgun · 22/06/2017 17:03

WARNING: This thread was started 3 years ago. Whatever advice is being given in 2017 is likely to be a bit out of date. I hope she left!

Ava7Susan · 14/08/2017 00:51

This reply has been deleted

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Edd40 · 14/08/2017 23:53

Hi. I'm having the same problems with my wife of 18 years. It's been abusive in various forms for pretty much all of it. And I finally plucked up the courage to tell her to leave in march. Which she did at the end of April taking our youngest two children ( 8 & 4 which I wasn't happy about) to her mothers. She thought she was leaving to give us a break, but I kept telling her I could take no more of me and kids being shouted and sworn at on regular basis by her and kept insisting that it was over. I thought she had accepted it then she just decided to come back and pretend nothing had happened. I keep telling her but she won't accept it and keeps putting me on guilt trips everyday. The only good thing is that all my children are back with me. How can I get it through to her. I'm worried I may give in to her apologies and her promise of change but I can't go back to how it was. Please I need some advice!

Janeclare · 03/04/2018 16:24

Hi. I can relate exactly to Holly from 4 yrs ago. I have sought help from women's aid and am waiting for support. I have only realised in the last 2 to 3 yrs that my husband is emotionally and mentally abusive and we have been married 16. Apparently physically abusive too since he will throw things and break them and bang his fists etc infront of me and the children. I know now that it has to be over and i want it to be over but he doesn't. I haven't been sleeping with worry.

ChickenMom · 03/04/2018 17:09

Don’t backdown. You had counselling for a year so you have given him a chance. You now just need to be consistent. If you can afford to rent them move out with the kids. A house is just bricks. It’s worth seeing a solicitor to see what your options are

KristenSavage · 07/08/2019 15:44

i can relate to your story so much! I'm at the beginning of all of this and have a 5 year old son.