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Original poster

Is this the right approach? DD meeting OW for the first time today.

33 replies

akaWisey · 19/04/2014 10:54

I feel like I'm all over this board at the moment - sorry.

DD is 18 so an adult. Her father has been pressuring her for ages to meet the OW (who technically is now DP really). It's been 3 years. DD is stressed, sad, conflicted, upset - worried about me, worried about herself.

OW and ex husband have come to our home town to a wedding this weekend. I'm keeping a low profile as I will almost certainly bump into them and I don't want to.

I've told DD that if she wants to meet this woman I am fine and won't feel betrayed, that it's a transition. I've told her that if she doesn't want to she shouldn't allow her father to pressure her. I've advised her to take my approach when I go on a date - which is to take it 5 minutes at a time and to leave the moment she feels she can't handle it. I've told her I love her.

Privately I'm in bits really. I want to wring his neck phone him and tell him to back the fuck off and let DD make a choice but of course I won't.

Any advice? For me to support her? What else can i say or do to make it easier?

TIA

OP posts:
RollerCola · 19/04/2014 10:59

If your dd is stressed, worried and upset then I think it's really not fair for your ex to pressure her to meet her. She's clearly not ready.

It doesn't matter what her age is or how long he's been seeing the woman. Your dd is both yours and your exs main priority and if she's so worried about it I think you should step in and tell him she's not ready.

Sorry you're both going through this. Hope she's ok.

Hassled · 19/04/2014 11:00

I think you've handled it really well. I suspect her biggest issue will be feeling that she's betrayed you - and that will become worse if she meets the OW and decides she's actually quite nice, not a witch at all. So just give her plenty of reassurance that you're OK regardless (and I realise you won't be). And play it down as much as you can - it's not a big deal etc., talk about what you'll do later today/tomorrow.

Original poster
akaWisey · 19/04/2014 11:03

Well that's my dilemma - I want to step in but he'll be very aware of how this is playing out. I haven't asked her if she secretly wants me to rescue her though. Maybe I should.

Also I told DD that it's quite natural for her to have some curiosity about this woman, that her dad wouldn't have left for some wicked old witch - but DD isn't having any of that - she feels this woman has no morals at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
akaWisey · 19/04/2014 11:04

Thanks by the way - I just want to do what's right by DD Smile

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 19/04/2014 11:04

And if she does meet her definitely resist having a bitch about her! come on here and bitch instead

MiconiumHappens · 19/04/2014 11:05

OP I think you're handling this with such grace and I think you should be proud of your resolve and the fact that you're putting your DD first. I think you know exactly what you're doing you just need to believe it.

Keep busy this weekend try not to dwell, their life is not perfect - nobody's is Wink.

Original poster
akaWisey · 19/04/2014 11:06

Grin Oh I could bitch for England…..

Any way she doesn't want me to intervene (that's my girl!) she wants to show them she's not afraid (even though she is).

OP posts:
Shlurpbop · 19/04/2014 11:15

You sound fab, your DD will be feeling torn between wanting to see her father and possibly meeting the OW, but also not hurting your feelings.
Your approach sounds good, be there for your DD but without badmouthing your ex and the OW.
My DM was bitter and bad mouthed my dad and the OW for years, still does.It makes things so much harder for me and my siblings. We lost our relationship with our dad because she made her feelings so clear and we didn't want to make it worse by 'betraying' her :(

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/04/2014 11:33

I think that's wonderful handling of the situation, Wisey.

She probably feels weird about it because her family 'model' has changed. Then there's the loyalty to you. Those are the two specific things, I think.

Added to the mix is her obviously complicated feelings for her dad. She must love him on some level otherwise the situation would be straightforward, she just wouldn't want to see him at all.

I think, keep doing what you're doing, reassure her that you'd be feeling just the same in her position, and that you'd probably do whatever it is that she decides too. Remind her that it will all be alright whatever she decides and she has control of the situation.

Original poster
akaWisey · 19/04/2014 11:38

Oh she's just told me the woman has brought all her children too. Nothing like a baptism of fire is there?

Thank you. I will keep reassuring her. I'll keep reassuring myself, this will pass and after today it won't be a first I have to face ever again.

OP posts:
Original poster
akaWisey · 19/04/2014 11:39

or she has to face again.

OP posts:
ChameleonCircuit · 19/04/2014 11:42

OP I don't usually post on here but I have to say the first thing that popped into my head is that OW has brought her children to avoid the possibility of your DD telling OW exactly what she thinks of her. The children are being used as a shield.

I'll butt out now.

Dirtybadger · 19/04/2014 11:43

I assume exH and OW think they are encouraging a new "friendship". They may have a surprise.

I'm older than your DD, but only by 5 years. If I was pressured to meet the OW at 18 I would have. But it wouldn't have been pleasant. And I wouldn't have made it very comfortable for anyone Blush

Original poster
akaWisey · 19/04/2014 11:48

DD has so far refused to meet the woman precisely because she still want to punch her lights out tell her what she thinks of her. I think you're right Chameleon and I think you're right too, Dirty this is about forcing new relationship upon DD.

So she's made her father book a table at the most expensive restaurant in town. I brought her up right Grin

OP posts:
Lweji · 19/04/2014 12:04

Has she punched her father and told him what she thinks of him?

Original poster
akaWisey · 19/04/2014 12:11

She's told him he's a fucking twat. Many times.

Actually I'm rather hoping she will do something she does when she's displeased - she can suck the atmosphere out of a room just by being in it Grin

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 19/04/2014 12:21

Up to a point, after three years, everybody should be working towards at least civility all round. Reassure your DD it's all right if she finds the OW pleasant and even more so if she likes the other children (are they her age or thereabouts?) Sometimes DC of parents with tangled relationships become very close and mutually supportive, which is a good thing.
Ultimately, the best outcome is for the woman and her DC to become additional people in DD's life who she likes and who like her.

Hissy · 19/04/2014 12:22

Your dd can change her mind at anytime, she doesn't have to go.

Original poster
akaWisey · 19/04/2014 12:27

I think the children range from older to quite a bit younger - DD is enormously jealous of them but knows it had nothing to do with them…

Trying, really trying to be civil about him (as we are NC).

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/04/2014 12:29

Thing is though if you find betrayal unacceptable when exactly does it stop being so?

OW and the ExH would love for everyone to welcome them into their hearts and bosom because then it make what they did ok, and alright.

Iirc poor old Wisey went through hell and back at the expense of love's young dream here, and at 15yo, that must have been hard to watch.

I tried to be ok with my DF and his ow/dw but as she hated the sight of us, and he had to lie to her to see us etc etc etc, tbh now I cba. I don't think I should relax my morals for those who have none. I was 17 when he dumped his family.

After decades of hoping to be accepted, I stopped and now have nothing to do with any of them. If i'm not important in a parent's life in terms of my feelings and such like, then i'm better off (as are my dc) without them in my life.

SolidGoldBrass · 19/04/2014 12:33

While getting dumped hurts, it's not a good idea to let it poison the rest of your life. I appreciate that the DD is at a difficult age (teenagers feel things intensely and are also convinced that they are right and whatever side they are on is right and anyone not on that side is evil) but in the long run it will be better for her to have a good relationship with her dad.

Admittedly I don't know the back story, though - is there a history of abusive behaviour or is it just a matter of him leaving the OP for someone else?

mummytime · 19/04/2014 12:35

Wisey you are doing the right thing. I'm sure your Dd will cope. Let her know a cold war is fine, laughing is fine, liking some of them is fine - but if it is about to turn into a hot war then escape is also fine.

You can then whinge to us lot after its all over.

Hissy · 19/04/2014 12:54

Tbh, if he's thinking it's ok for OW to bring all her dc to a first meet, I doubt he is thinking too much about his DD's feelings.

But then again, cheats *don't think about others really, do they?

Hissy · 19/04/2014 12:55

I'm sure that the DD will cope whatever happens, she's made of strong stuff, she needs to know that her feelings are valid and she's entitled to them, whatever they are.

cozietoesie · 19/04/2014 12:59

As another poster said, you're acting with such grace here, OP.

Your daughter will work it out fine. After all, she doesn't ever have to be best friends with this woman - just civil is quite enough, for the sake of her relationship with her father.