Is this the right approach? DD meeting OW for the first time today.

[akaWisey]

I feel like I'm all over this board at the moment - sorry.

DD is 18 so an adult. Her father has been pressuring her for ages to meet the OW (who technically is now DP really). It's been 3 years. DD is stressed, sad, conflicted, upset - worried about me, worried about herself.

OW and ex husband have come to our home town to a wedding this weekend. I'm keeping a low profile as I will almost certainly bump into them and I don't want to.

I've told DD that if she wants to meet this woman I am fine and won't feel betrayed, that it's a transition. I've told her that if she doesn't want to she shouldn't allow her father to pressure her. I've advised her to take my approach when I go on a date - which is to take it 5 minutes at a time and to leave the moment she feels she can't handle it. I've told her I love her.

Privately I'm in bits really. I want to wring his neck phone him and tell him to back the fuck off and let DD make a choice but of course I won't.

Any advice? For me to support her? What else can i say or do to make it easier?

TIA

I think your approach is fantastic wisey. At 18 your DD is old enough to make up her own mind but still needs your support and also doesn't want to betray you.

Dd 6yo has had two years of being told that OW is just a good friend because she's married to his mate, followed by "they've fallen out so OW is staying with me" followed by "OW is now my girlfriend", a random announcement on the way to Tesco! Twat.

If you and your XH can handle this in the right way, then DD can make her own decisions. And her dad must realise that they are HER decisions, if she doesn't want to meet them again.

Thanks all, I've been busying myself to keep my mind occupied.

solid I know moving on is essential, really I'm not embittered and I always knew this could be a difficult day. But he was an absolute bastard and I've seen no evidence that he's changed at all.

I sent her off with a kiss and wished her good luck. She will want to talk about it when she gets back and it's quite possible she'll say the woman and her DC's were ok but "dad behaved like a prick".

Hope it all goes OK as in your DD comes home feeling all right rather than furious or heartbroken. You're doing fine.

Wisey, when I first found MN in the pain of my own divorce you were a very active poster and I followed what you said, and what other said to you. I can remember how hard it all was for you and your family but you always seemed to do the right thing and be fair and decent. You inspired me.

My youngest DS is the same age as your DD and wont have anything to do with his DF never mind the OW. Whilst I appreciate how hard today is for you and your DD (been sitting here putting myself in your shoes as I read the thread) I am envious that your DD has some kind of relationship with her father. I hate it the my DC's have a DF in name only, so I really hope that today goes well for everyone concerned. Wishing you all the luck, and a Happy Easter

Thank you Springy.

How'd it go?

I think I remember your daughter posting on MN before Wisey. She struck me as an articulate and intelligent young woman who is very mature for her age. It's a trying time, but I think you have raised a daughter who is well-equipped to handle this sort of crisis, though it may not feel like it (to you or her!) at the time.

And she knows how to seek support in all the right places

I don't know how it went. DD came back later with her mate (they'd been shopping). She seemed in good spirits and all she said was "I went, then I left" and she shrugged her shoulders. Not sure what that means really, but she later said it had been an emotional day for her.

Whether it went better than she'd anticipated and she wants to protect me, I don't know. I have to wait and see if she wants to tell me. But it's done, there are no more 'firsts' left and the future will take care of itself.

Yes, she's posted here herself Lok - she's a MN devotee already