Trying to leave relationship but partner won't accept it at all!!! Need advice

[ineedtogetout]

I am trying to leave my long term partner of 7 years. There are 2 children my daughter who is 8 and our son who is 4.

The reason I am trying to leave is that things have not been good for embarrassingly enough about since 2009. In fact they have never been good since we had our son. The arguments are in a cycle and it just never ends it is so exhausting. I have reached the point where the issues behind it don't really even matter anymore but they are the following -

I feel he stays away from home far far too much. He is always at his friend's or parents and we don't see each other or spend much family time together. For example this week Monday he was in until 1pm then went to friend's until 10pm, Tuesday he was in all day with our son but I was working 12 hour shift and when I returned he had gone to stay with his mother, where he stayed also all day and night Wednesday whilst I was working and finally returned our son at 4pm yesterday and he returned himself at 8pm! Then this morning he got up, fixed a bike and painted a wall for an hour or so then proposed he was going away all day and then to stay at his mothers again!!! I snapped. This is NOT normal in my mind not to mention causes a separation thing whereby it's him and DS and me and DD and he always promises it will change, he says he loves us etc but he never does for more than a few days and I can't take anymore.

He is unpleasant and moody to be around at times which just exascerbates the above. he is no fun to be with, does not seem to take any interest in me whatsoever, never asks how I am and seems to just tolerate me. he doesn't like most of my family, refuses to socialise with my friends or even just with me really. We have not been out together for 2 years at least.

He is not having an affair, I am 99.9% sure of this - don't ask me how I know, it's just a gut feeling. and that he has always been like this.

I am beating myself up for staying so long.

Each time I try to leave first he gets nasty and says that I have an "obligation" as we have a child, that DS stays with him 7 nights a week and that this is "non-negotiable" etc. Over and over like a broken record. Then if I stick to my guns then he starts all the crying and sob stories and I love yous and I'm sorry I see your points and I let him back but nothing ever changes beyond a few days.

I feel stuck. I am no longer scared that he will be able to take DS away (because realistically he couldn't now he is old enough and I don't think he really would do that to him or me and DD anyway), but he refuses to leave. He just keeps reiterating that he is coming back to the house like a broken record. No matter how much I say I've had enough and that the arguments and situation is making me ill.

He won't discuss much either.

It really is making me ill. I'm not even sure how anymore but I know it is. When he is not around for a few days I am much calmer , I don't snap at the children (which I'm sure is affecting them), no panic attacks , no sinking feelings, no living a lie feelings. He works from home and I work full time. He earns less and I pay all bills really which is a source of contention, but he is renovating our house, which is another story. We basically got conned into renting it from a friend of the family on the premise that if DP fixed it up using his skills the person would sell it to us for a good price, but that is not going to happen now so we are stuck in it due to many reasons and actually we have no lease so it's really in no-one's name the tenancy so not sure how I stand legally on forcing him out?

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a long essay but I just want some advice on how to a) get him out b) stick to my decision that this is no life for me or the DC (particularly DD) even if part of me still loves him and c) practical stuff

If anyone is out there I would be immensely grateful. he just keeps pressing the reset button and blaming me. I have turned into a ratty and horrible person to the kids and even him but I feel trapped because he just refuses to acknowledge the break up. How to push through?

What is the housing and work situation? Mortgage, renting? Who brings the money in etc?

You can leave, walk out the door with the kids.

If it's your house, either mortgage or you are renting and on the lease, you can just change the locks.

Have you any money to get a deposit for a new place op? I would be tempted to just up and leave if possible. I hope someone can advise. Sounds like he has never grown up and likes mummy looking after him like a big overgrown baby.

I pay most of the major the bills, I work 3x12 hour shifts a week. he works part time and is renovating a house.

What complicates the situation is that the house we are in is rented but (and I know this is illegal) we don't have a lease. So legally can I throw him out? The landlord lives abroad, I have no address for him and he ignores most communication. I have asked for a lease numerous times. When repairs need done I usually just get them done then email the landlord with the invoices and a note that I am taking the amount off the rent.

I could get money for a deposit but I have horrendous credit rating and landlords or letting agencies won't touch me without a guarantor (and I do not have anyone who is in a position to go guarantor at all) - I've already tried this. So I guess the best option is to try to get him to leave, but he won't he just keeps repeating that his son lives with him 7 days of the week and that is not going to be changed by me and he is "speaking for the needs of the children" - apparently. yeah right. He could move in with his parents but I don't have that option.

It's a tricky situation but I want to get out and have the resolve to stay out because he will never be a proper partner or family man.

With no lease, and you paying the rent just change the locks whilst he is out one day and let him have his clothes/stuff when asked.

Who looks after your kids when you are working? If it is him then can you arrange for someone else for a bit? Then presumably they go back to school/nursery.

So let's get this straight - he is renovating the house you live in, which you rent from a distant (related) landlord. Why's he carried on doing these renovations after it's been made clear the house will never be sold to you?

As you are currently in an illegal renting arrangement, would it work to report the landlord who would then evict you, making you homeless, and you'd then be eligible for local authority/housing association accommodation?

I'm just trying to think around the problem, with the eventual goal of you getting away from this man that you no longer want to be with. Citizens advice bureau maybe?

You might want to double check this because it's been a while since I did my law degree, but I seem to remember that if you pay a set amount to a landlord at regular intervals then this is considered in law to be a periodic lease, and confers all the same rights and responsibilities to you as a 'formal' lease.

Double check that though.

Anyway, that aside, can you not just tell him to go? You're not married, you pay for everything; he's a cock lodger.

If he is refusing to discuss it then you need to take it out of his hands - either leave when he's not there to argue about it, or change the locks while he's out if the house is yours.

I see that's simplistic though as the housing situation isn't as clear cut as "mine/yours". I would contact the housing charity Shelter - they will be able to advise you on what your legal position is WRT the house.

If you need to quote a reason to leave, his behaviour would come under the heading of emotional abuse. Not physical violence of course which might make it tricky according to the law, but speak to Shelter - they will be able to tell you what your options are.

You could also visit your local council and apply for council housing - it would be years before you'd be at the top of the list in your current situation (unless you are technically homeless - Shelter could advise) but it would be something. Some councils also run a deposit scheme, which some landlords will accept - ask them if they know of any letting agents who will accept their deposit scheme. These might be more willing to overlook credit scores if they regularly deal with tenants who are on lower incomes.

Other than that you just have to keep scouring private ads in newspapers, post office windows, the back of tescos, etc. Forget letting agents (unless the council recommends them as accepting their thing). You'll still be rejected most of the time but you might be lucky eventually.

He looks after the youngest when I am working, and the eldest he collects from school 1 day a week , the other days she goes to a friend's. (I work 10am - 10pm x 3 days). The youngest is not in school fulltime til October , he is only in nursery at the moment 15 hours.

Walkacrossthesand - the landlord is not strictly related it's his mother's boss who lives abroad. The situation was that before we were living in a tiny 1 bedroom flat with 2 children and a cat. No letting agents or landlords would touch us without a guarantor (none of my family or his earn enough - they are either students, retired or part time income), I put us on every social housing application list in the area and still were not getting anywhere. So when his mum said her boss would rent us this place (3 bed house with garden - working but in need of decoration and some work) - then we jumped at the chance and moved in. He also said he would sell it to us, but now he has us in here I doubt it now from the way he did things I think he conned us as the selling thing was mentioned when I expressed concern about moving in without a lease. I have no idea why DP is still doing the place up - I think it's because he enjoys it and he is a perfectionist.

I hope you are right Social x

It's so difficult, and I am genuinely not sure if it is actually abuse. It is bullying for sure. He wants his cake and eat it and the stress of trying to pretend everything is OK is killing me and no longer something I'm willing to do at any cost. I've almost had a breakdown over it the past few weeks - yesterday after our showdown I lay in bed most of the day between crying and the children were asking what's wrong )-:

Last night I repeatedly I repeatedly told him by phone it's over and not to come back and that we will arrange a system for us both to see DS. He repeatedly just came back with "no. I will stay away tonight so you can calm down but I WILL be back tomorrow. It's in the best interests of the children" etc. HE IS NEVER BLOODY HOME ANYWAY!!!

This morning he came to collect DS as I was taking DD to a "girl" themed thing and he said he WILL be coming back this evening at 6 or 7. I said if he does I will call the police because I've repeatedly told him the relationship is over and it's disturbing that he refuses to accept this.

I don't think he will actually call my bluff he will probably text some excuse in order to stay away but that he IS coming back tomorrow and hope that I have relented by then.

He just ignores everything I say. So much so that I hate him now.

Should I actually call the police if he does try to stay next time he drops DS off (like Sunday) ?? I don't know if they will laugh at me and it will backfire or if some kind of flag up will be given to Social Services of "domestic issues" when children are around? Can anyone advise? Maybe I should call his bluff and actually do it to show him I am serious (and sooner or later he will try to come back in) but I wonder if it will backfire? I don't know if it's a police matter really. I can't afford to get the locks changed for a couple of weeks.

If you phone the police and say "Hello my ex partner is in my house and refusing to leave or accept our relationship is over" then they won't laugh, that's harassment and trespass and they could remove him if necessary.

Where it will get a bit murky is if he says "But I live here!" - then it will depend on whether he's acting aggressively. If not, then he's not actually doing anything wrong, they can't ask him to leave his own home.

Just because he says "it's non-negotiable," doesn't mean it is.

Can you pack his bags and take them round his mum's? That way you've technically thrown him out...and it's sending him a good clear signal that you're serious. If you've let him back in the past then he just thinks you're going to do it again. If his stuff is not in the house then how can he be living there?

Bullying is another word for abuse.

Discounting your wish to end the relationship is certainly abusive. Whether your relationship continues or not is something you agree mutually. It CANNOT be decided by one party.

He's deluded if he thinks so, and he's wrong.

So regardless of what he says, if you say the relationship has ended, it has. Full stop. Your turn for the broken record technique: 'regardless of what you say, this relationship has ended.' ...and repeat. If you feel safe to do so.

Your residential and legal position is not clear cut - you should get advice from Shelter, CAB, as PP have said. Don't rule out calling police on 101, pointing out that he is not accepting the end of the relationship, and that he turns nasty when you try to leave.

Where does he sleep when he deigns to turn up?
Who does the cooking and washing etc..?

Why don't you go and have a chat with the local domestic violence section of the police? Maybe a solicitor could clarify your right with regards you changing the locks on the house.

Stop doing anything for him as well. No cooking, washing etc.

Yes that's what I'm worried about - he will surely just say ...."but I live here!" . He may go if I actually say I'm calling them when he comes though.

Yes I've never packed his stuff before and taken it to his mums. So I think I will do that. It will help my case also if I need to call police.

I have already tried the broken record technique of "no. this relationship is over and you are not to come to the house", to which he just out-broken-records (!) me with such phrases as "no. I am coming home. we have an obligation to the children which no man or god is going to break" or even "no the relationship has not ended" (!) amongst other things. It's sooooo exhausting )-:

I do most of the cooking as he is so rarely here for dinner (which is one of the major reasons I am leaving). The washing is about 50/50 but I will stop doing his.

I think it's just a case of sticking to my guns. But it panics me somehow and also my anger for him and his arrogance and insistence that it is ME breaking up the family when it was his acting like a teenage boy and never at home and his refusal to acknowledge my feelings about it or change that ended things, is spilling over into other areas of my life.

It sounds awful. You do need to physically separate, somehow, and I'm sure you will.

There is no point in exchanging words with a deluded bully, I agree. I see you've tried the broken record technique, to no avail: and it's worth a try, but of course, it only works with people who are rational, and interested in a real relationship. This man lives in his own deluded, malevolent little world.

Certainly don't do any more chores or cooking for him. He's your ex.

Please do call someone and ask advice. You can't wait and hope that he'll do the right thing: he won't, and he'll continue to call your bluff, and bulldoze right over your boundaries.

Yes on Monday I'm going to call Shelter Scotland and see if I can work out my rights since technically no-one's name is on the lease because there is no lease! It will be very difficult for me to move out and would probably take months of trying to save and finding someone willing to be a guarantor (all close family and friends are not in a position to do so and I doubt anyone else would), I guess I could try to save 3 months rent and deposit in advance and hope a landlord would take me on with that.

It's weird I swing between feeling sad for what has happened and missing him (in some stupid way I suppose missing the nice parts but don't worry I KNOW 100% this is what I want as it will never change cause he is 35 and has always been this way sadly), feeling so angry I shake at his manipulation and arrogance, feeling fearful of not seeing DS as much as I would like, and feeling overwhelming anticipation at the RELIEF I will feel when this is all over and I no longer have to live with him pretending to be a 'family' man yet spending most of every single day away from home! and the hurt and arguing gone!

I don't even hate him, or want to engage anymore because I just get tangled in he said she said blaming, I just want it over with so I can start the painful process of moving on.

I am pretty stubborn when I want to be and that's an understatement (-: so as long as I keep my resolve in the face of all his bullying it will eventually work out I hope!

Don't engage with him. Just get on doing what you need to do. If he says anything, calmly tell him that the relationship is over. And don't engage.

I'm glad you're stubborn, because basically he's trying to cow you into submission through attrition - wearing you down until you give up and comply.

You could also ring the non emrgency police number (is it 101 in scotland as well? If not you can google the station number or just walk in. To ask for advice and what they could/would do.

I agree. Get outer help. Tell your family (even if they can't help you financially, they can give support you). Make this public. He's relying on your not kicking up a fuss and toeing the line.

God sounds grim

No real advice but would changing the locks be feasible?

Also CAB maybe useful, if he really won't go is there somewhere you can go? Family if all else fails womans aid?

Yeah that's what he is trying to do - cow me into submission by pretending nothing has happened. It's difficult to reconcile in my mind because really this is the only way he is abusive - well except from being generally a bit dismissive. The refusing to talk and refusing to accept my right to end the relationship BECAUSE he won't talk or change his time management or life management or whatever it is that makes him act like a teenage boy. It puzzles me that he is doing anything and everything to KEEP that status quo of his lifestyle instead of just saying you know what I'm too selfish to have a family. It's not as if I've ever shown any sign of trying to deny him seeing DS ! In fact the opposite - he has always had him quite a lot since he was born - days at his mothers, boys trips out, when I'm at work etc. Prob 3 days he has him himself when I'm at work, 3 days I have DS and DD and he is mostly away off doing his own thing and one day we are together. He does not spend much time with my DD though unless it's a rare family day or having both kids 1 or 2 evenings a week when I'm at work.

Yeah it's 101 here too or I can just go in and ask. I may do that actually. I have a deep mistrust of police and social services etc but I will call them if I have to and cannot get him to leave via other means if he indeed tries to get in and it's not a big bluff on his part....

My family will support me I think , but they can't do much financially. Could stay with them but only on the understanding it would have to be a pretty dire situation (my sister lives in a ne bedroom flat and my dad is not the best with kids DS age except in small doses! he would tolerate it for a while I'm sure but it would not feel too nice for us - plus both are far from schools etc - but still manageable in an emergency - about 1 hour to school and my work). My family don't like him which is a plus. His mother will probably stay out of it other than putting him up - well I hope so anyway.

I feel your pain, im in a very similar situation and still am after my relationship ended errmm well about 2 and a half yrs ago. My ex also will not accept its over and when I become very stern with him he puts on the guilt trip about the kids and he will not leave this house. we privately rent jointy so he has every right and its too difficult for me to leave with the kids. I truly hate him and the bitterness and resentment has got so bad, I try to end it and really get angry at his resistance to leave but suppose I end up just keeping the peace and a little afraid of what would happen if I went with the children or made him leave through a court decision or something.. these seem my only options.

try and stay strong if u know its truly what u want or things will just get worse.

good luck

Hi Bizkit what you wrote is my exact situation! It's actually been going on for years. We met in 2006 and things started going badly wrong in 2009 when I was pregnant with our DS. It's taken me until now (so 5 years!) to actually take action on it, and believe me I'm still scared. In the back of my mind I have not done it before now because he had made subtle threats that DS would be living soley with him and me and DD would have to get "access" and that scared me off making the break just in case he poisoned DS against me and managed to take him away )-: but DS is now nearly 5 and very securely attached to me and DD (as well as his dad obviously) and he won't forget us in a hurry, and I have had advice that if on the small chance he did try to deny me access to DS he would be forced to by the courts and it would be looked upon very badly in any case on his part. Also because I suffer from depression although not too bad most of the time and been just caught up with the daily slog as it were.

I hope you can find your way out too. how old are your DC? It's so horrible living a lie isn't it? x

My dc are 7 and 11. I just started writing a post but gave up, ive had little to drink to numb the horrible few weeks and I couldnt focus and ive been given great advice on here before anyway but haven't taken action. Its a horrible situation in my case since nov 2011 when I found out my 'ex' had been living with someone else when we were trying to give it another go after a brief seperation, when I found out and told him no more he would not accept it was over and moved himself back into our jointly rented house I wish I had just done something more drastic then as I would of had more of a chance but he became so angry and guilt tripped and called me selfish said I needed to do wbat was right for the kids and give hin another chance etc as far as he was concerned it was his home aswell, I got tired of the arguing. and the kids being affecred and gave in to him coming back to the house and withdrawing my single parent benefits.

the longer its dragged on the worse its getting and be blames me for not trying to make our relationship work. even thoigh I have been to counslling, holidays, outings etc

im now under pressure to move area as where we are new is dire and getting worse, I said I would do this with hin for the children's sake ive always doubted this choice but more so recently as his temper is setting very short again. he says he will leave if when we move and get settled im still not happy but I really doubt he will.

the only thing I can advise it having the info and facts u need to make a choice,, citizens advice etc