Trying to leave relationship but partner won't accept it at all!!! Need advice

[ineedtogetout]

I am trying to leave my long term partner of 7 years. There are 2 children my daughter who is 8 and our son who is 4.

The reason I am trying to leave is that things have not been good for embarrassingly enough about since 2009. In fact they have never been good since we had our son. The arguments are in a cycle and it just never ends it is so exhausting. I have reached the point where the issues behind it don't really even matter anymore but they are the following -

I feel he stays away from home far far too much. He is always at his friend's or parents and we don't see each other or spend much family time together. For example this week Monday he was in until 1pm then went to friend's until 10pm, Tuesday he was in all day with our son but I was working 12 hour shift and when I returned he had gone to stay with his mother, where he stayed also all day and night Wednesday whilst I was working and finally returned our son at 4pm yesterday and he returned himself at 8pm! Then this morning he got up, fixed a bike and painted a wall for an hour or so then proposed he was going away all day and then to stay at his mothers again!!! I snapped. This is NOT normal in my mind not to mention causes a separation thing whereby it's him and DS and me and DD and he always promises it will change, he says he loves us etc but he never does for more than a few days and I can't take anymore.

He is unpleasant and moody to be around at times which just exascerbates the above. he is no fun to be with, does not seem to take any interest in me whatsoever, never asks how I am and seems to just tolerate me. he doesn't like most of my family, refuses to socialise with my friends or even just with me really. We have not been out together for 2 years at least.

He is not having an affair, I am 99.9% sure of this - don't ask me how I know, it's just a gut feeling. and that he has always been like this.

I am beating myself up for staying so long.

Each time I try to leave first he gets nasty and says that I have an "obligation" as we have a child, that DS stays with him 7 nights a week and that this is "non-negotiable" etc. Over and over like a broken record. Then if I stick to my guns then he starts all the crying and sob stories and I love yous and I'm sorry I see your points and I let him back but nothing ever changes beyond a few days.

I feel stuck. I am no longer scared that he will be able to take DS away (because realistically he couldn't now he is old enough and I don't think he really would do that to him or me and DD anyway), but he refuses to leave. He just keeps reiterating that he is coming back to the house like a broken record. No matter how much I say I've had enough and that the arguments and situation is making me ill.

He won't discuss much either.

It really is making me ill. I'm not even sure how anymore but I know it is. When he is not around for a few days I am much calmer , I don't snap at the children (which I'm sure is affecting them), no panic attacks , no sinking feelings, no living a lie feelings. He works from home and I work full time. He earns less and I pay all bills really which is a source of contention, but he is renovating our house, which is another story. We basically got conned into renting it from a friend of the family on the premise that if DP fixed it up using his skills the person would sell it to us for a good price, but that is not going to happen now so we are stuck in it due to many reasons and actually we have no lease so it's really in no-one's name the tenancy so not sure how I stand legally on forcing him out?

Sorry this has turned into a bit of a long essay but I just want some advice on how to a) get him out b) stick to my decision that this is no life for me or the DC (particularly DD) even if part of me still loves him and c) practical stuff

If anyone is out there I would be immensely grateful. he just keeps pressing the reset button and blaming me. I have turned into a ratty and horrible person to the kids and even him but I feel trapped because he just refuses to acknowledge the break up. How to push through?

How are u doing OP?
Just re read through my last message sorry for the typos I was tired.
I'm feeling very down today think it's worse as it's been a long weekend with ex around acting like everything is normal, can't stop thinking how to get out of this mess

Doing OK today thanks x

Yesterday though was a different story - awful. He was texting me and then calling me all day screaming and shouting down the phone at me when all I was asking was for him to specify a time he would be dropping off DS to me. He kept saying "I am not dropping off DS, I am coming home with him" . But he was getting really really nasty about it. On Sat night he had sent a self pitying "we need to make this work, I know what I need to do" text and I felt myself crumbling as usual, but the next morning since he was back to his usual nasty and manipulative (wouldn't give a time for DS coming back and I asked 7 times) self. So in a way it helped me see that the lovey-dovey text was just an act, a ploy to get back in and nothing would have changed.

In the end his mother brought back DS whilst he was shouting down the phone at me! He said something like "oh it looks like my mother is taking DS to the shops or something... then we will be back . DS lives with me 7 days a week as per his needs....." and it turns out his mother had just left with DS to take him home!

His mother said she wants him out of her house also as she is too stressed dealing with his selfish treatment (well join the club). She said you write down days you want to have DS and then days which he is to have DS and I'll give it to him. I thought oh yes like that will work with the ego-maniac! But I did so anyway to keep the peace.

The phonecalls and texts back and forth went on for about an hour after his mother brought DS back. I kept telling him if he came back I'd call police. and last night I was so drained and depressed with a monster headache and couldn't eat all day.

But today . . . . . radio silence. It's so lovely and peaceful and I have been doing lovely easter things with the DC and cleaning the house. However I keep getting pangs of missing him, and second-questioning myself! WHY???? I wanted him out for so long and this is he longest I've persevered for with it properly. So I should be happy!! But I'm not really. relieved yes, happy - no.

It feels really uncomfortable. It's worrying me what he is up to with the silence. I thought he'd be texting etc first thing. Knowing him, he won't have just given up, this will be another tactic of some sort. He has no money and has been using his mothers phone to send all the messages and make all the calls (she leaves the phone in the house when she goes out anywhere!) so I wonder if she has forbidden him from using her phone or maybe even has thrown him out of her house as it seemed a massive argument between them was brewing because she brought DS home without his permission. I am grateful she did bring DS home but it was very strange.

It feels like the calm before another storm. But I am going to try to persevere.

I hope you feel better Bizkit. Can you go to another part of the house when he is around to put some separation between you? Do you sleep in a different bed?

x

Why are you responding to his text messages? Surely it just invites him to continue hassling you.

Blimey, he sounds GHASTLY. It's a bank holiday so there's not much you can do today, but call the police on 101 and they will advise you.

I suspect he won't go quietly, so the police is not too dramatic a tactic here. Plus you need a record if he turns nasty.

Corygal, I think I will thanks.

clam - because I fear that if I do not answer then he will assume it's somehow ok to turn up here, if I don't keep reiterating my position. I am certainly not inviting him to harass me.

Oh such similarities OP
My ex always sends the essay long txts or puts the water works on I've always fallen for it and it's taken me 11 yrs to finally see through it. He can get quite angry when things don't go his way really.
When he finally left a few years ago I also should of been so happy but obviously I was devastated for the family breakup and was very low in mood without much support, then when he started taking an interest in another woman and he started getting cosy with me again it's like I almost encouraged it sometimes, as I felt so alone, and probably only because I couldn't cope with him moving on so quick, while I was struggling with the kids on my own of course I just thought he liked her didn't realise he was with her and still quite happy to come be with me and mess me up all over again. If he leaves again and moves on to another woman so quickly again I won't make the same mistake twice no matter how much he tries to sweet talk me.
I've just been reading back through my diary I kept for years( probably not a good idea) but he has hurt me so much and done the same things it's almost predictable it will happen again I can't believe how I have let him treat me. I predict that it will only take for a women to come into the equation that takes a little interest in him and he will say he can't cope living like this anymore etc put on the water works and go, but he will never leave until he has another lined up that's how he works and when I start coping on my own and maybe moving on he comes back, he's holding me where it suits him always has. Of the two other women he has been with I know about he has always been with me at the same but never left them for me, blows his argument that he comes back cos he loves me so much out of the water really doesn't it. The big mistake I've made lately is pretending we are together for the kids sake trying to save upset etc, I think I just need to realise they are gonna get upset but then we can all move on. Sorry ranting now

I've been looking at two bed places out of area I'm thinking I can try and go on my own, but I don't know of the practicalities of a smaller house and for how long but it's all I can afford on my own, the kids would have to share which isn't ideal as they are getting older, DS just turned 11 or I would have to sleep downstairs or something but it would free me and get me into a better area, but I'm so afraid of the consequences I'm worried he will lose his temper or do something stupid if I try and go.

Mine has never as far as I know went for other women. And he has never left voluntarily, no matter how much he has hurt me. Which makes me think (infact KNOW) that he just wants to stay for complete "control" over DS.

My kids don't seem so affected by him not being here - they are used to it because he is so rarely at home anyway. His mum said to me she thinks he is on drugs and drink, but I don't know how as he hardly earns and he doesn't smell of drink or anything. Not sure why but past caring now.

Yes you could try to get another place. I really really don't feel up to moving again but if he manages to get back in to the "matrimonial home" as he put it earlier (yes really!!! we are not married) because of the issue with no lease then I will just have to move out into a house in my name somehow. Which will probably be a 2 bedroom with me sleeping in the living room! But I'm sure this would make things worse because could he not claim that I was uprooting DS from the 'family' home?

xx x

I spoke to CAB today, he advised me not to give my notice and move as the council who are already over capacity may not help me as I would be making myself homeless, and even if they did I might end up worse off god knows where, he was quite stunned at my situation and couldn't really advise but suggested I stay put unless my family are willing to put me up and gave me a number for a solicitor if I need it. I told ex today I don't think I can move out to a new area with him and he has already started with telling me I'm wrong and selfish for still trying to break the family up sigh