Stonewalling

[jamiemars]

I posted a thread about this yesterday, but it was long and boring.
I really need help with this. My husband and I have a fighting pattern that goes with this:

1. He neglects or criticizes me in a passive aggressive sort of way. Or he withholds affection for awhile.
2. I pursue him and ask him what it's about.
3. He might express his displeasure with me, and then clam up. I prod him for more.
4. He starts to not answer me, or pretend to drift off to sleep. Or put a pillow over his head. He sits like a stone wall, not responding.
5. I get so aggravated he is not willing to resolve the conflict that I start yelling. I yell at him repeatedly.
6. He cuts off all communication. This last round was the worst of our marriage. He hasn't called for two days (he works away from home on the weekdays).
7. He claims he loves me and wants to stay married, and is pissed off I keep bringing up that he wants to leave. But I just don't get why he would stay with someone he is so miserable with and not want to sleep with or be affectionate toward. My weight gain in the past few years is a real thorn in his side.
8. He is coming home tonight (supposedly - haven't heard from him). I am sick of being the one to approach him or try to reconcile things. I fear the weekend will come and go and our problems will just continue to fester. He is a very passive individual.

What should I do?

Ditto the advice above. The other thing which has truly helped me is losing weight and taking back control of that part of my life, that part which I am in control of! It took a while but I lost a stone several years ago and continue to swim twice a week. This is essential to maintain a healthy mind and body when part of such an unhealthy relationship! I suggest that this would be a good place for you to start. Taking back control in one area will help you to take back control in other areas. It will also restore confidence that would've been chipped away at.

My problem isn't just the stonewalling, it's most of what you have discussed. He never compliments me, never. Occasionally might comment on an item of clothing. He said nothing of my losing weight! He is not affectionate but does occasionally try to get closer in bed, which I now rebuff because I strongly believe that if you don't act as part of a loving relationship outside of bed when why should it happen in bed! He blames everything on me, or other people. He is always the person who has the worse deal in life. And he rarely apologises. He also has a temper and is not one of life's copers. I feel sorry for him now, I understand h is upbringing has led him to where he is now, but we are all individually responsible for our own actions and how we react to them, and I've not seen any change in this regard at all over the years. I find this chilling, and very sad. He is 50 this year. But to the outside world he is a charming man most of the time!

Now if he actually cared about you, he'd find ways to help you excercise if that was what you wanted.

Dh is always supportive of me getting in from work and saying I need a run. And will happily hold the fort whilst I go out for an hour or so. And without making a big deal of it later either.

If your DH actually really gave a shiny shite then he'd make sure you had the time and money to pursue keep fit actitvities if that was what you wanted. But I'm guessing it is much more fun for him if he keeps you too busy and run down to look after yourself, and then use THAT as a stick to beat you with. Twat.

Thank you cogito, Millie and doc. He came home last night around 8. I was in the shower and then went to my room. I put my daughter to bed and then watched tv I'm bed in my room. He came up
Around 1030 and went to bed. I pretended to be asleep. Like an ass he left the tv on. He turned his fan on and put pillows over his head because apparently I snore.

He is downstairs now watching sports and I getting ready to take my daughter to H&R appt and lesson and then Easter shopping. I have no idea what to say. Tomorrow we have Easter plans. Nice. He has made no attempt to talk to me or engage in any way.

Don't let it rattle you. Keep acting as normal. Keep observing his behaviour as you would a grumpy monkey in the zoo. Keep telling yourself that whatever he does, it's irrelevant and you have bigger, better things to do than pander to sulking. If he's not engaging, talk to your DD instead. Talk to the cat. Pick up the phone and talk to a friend. As I think I said upthread, do make some inquiries for your own benefit about what divorce might look like in practice. It'll give you more confidence.

Enjoy the shopping etc.

Cogito you are a very sane, good person to turn to for advice.

crikey - he just sounds horrid

If you met him now as a stranger you would think him obnoxious and rude and wouldn't give him the time of day. Has he ground you down so low and is your self esteem at such rock bottom levels that you think this treatment is all you deserve.

Sounds to me like you run the home, parent and work and are doing a pretty fine job - and it would be so much easier, and happier, without him. Please do not stay with him through fear. I haven't read you say anywhere how he helps in the home, helps parent, run kids to places, etc. It seems you do everything and he treats you like dirt on his shoe.

Fwiw OP, you come across as interesting and funny. Two of my favourite attributes.

I agree with others that you have been ground down by this arse, who probably feels inferior to you, so has dedicated his life to putting you in your place. But your personality is still there lurking and visible in your posts.

Take Cogito's advice, it is always excellent.

Thanks, cotton. I agree about cogito. Cogito, are you a mental health professional? I feel like you are on my shoulder guiding me through this. I feel silly I am not able to handle this on my own very successfully. The mental torture I am going through is quite unbearable.
So I am at the dentist now and my daughter just went in for her teeth cleaning. I led the house about a half hour ago. I went downstairs and my husband was folding laundry. I stared at him and he looked at me and then broke the state. Then he came into the room we were in but instead of saying anything, he went into the laundry room. I thought, oh well, we might as well just leave. He emerged with a dust pan and broom and started sweeping the kitchen floor. I said to him, "we're leaving for the day. Not that you care." Then I said something like ..., I don't know, I pointed out that he wasn't saying anything to me and hadn't called me in two days. NIce!! I might have said something like wtf, and I know I said to him, "you just don't give a shit, do you." He said in a wimpy Voice, "you were the one who hung up on me!" It is true I hung up on him Tuesday night in a fit of rage because of his extreme stonewalling behavior and unwillingness to answer any of my questions." It is a shame because tomorrow we have plans to go to his fathers house for Easter dinner at night and we also have breakfast reservations. Who the hell knows how that is all going to go down.
I suppose he feels completely justified in not talking to me. I suppose he will talk but only if spoken to.
He is then injured party. Be thinks he was honest with me and I got mad he commented on his weight and I was unreasonable in yelling at him and now it is up to me to apologize.
There is a bigger issue here, the question of whether or not he wants to be with me. I am not convinced he likes me anymore and he gives me no reassurance otherwise. Probably because he is pissed off I won't lose weight.
I am tempted to send him a text. If I don't make a move this might fester on forever.
I don't know.

Lavender, thank you for your note!! Yeah I wear the pants in the family. He does do some housework, like today he was at it. But that is because he is a white glove type of man. If everything isn't clutter free and picture perfect it drives him insane. It's hard to keep up with his standards. Mostly I take care of the kids and finances and weekday chores. All I hear from him is what a slob I am. Yeah he has a stick up his ass most of the time. I appreciate your supportive words!!

Brucie, I don't often (or ever) get complimented on my wit. That made me laugh! Thank you! Yes I am definitely listening to cogito. Thanks calling my husband an arse. That made me laugh, too. ;)

Just carry on with your life as if he wasn't there. If he comes out of his sulk then he can tag along, but otherwise go out and about however you want. Go to breakfast tomorrow but don't bother reminding him beforehand, just get up and get ready. If he want to go to his dad's tomorrow leave that up to him

In other words just detach yourself and act as if he didn't come home for the weekend.

If he starts being nice or doing things around the house then says thanks in the same way you would if a stranger held a door open. He has withdrawn all emotion from you, so treat him neutrally but without the same sulking. He is manipulating you and your emotions. By keeping yourself neutral and distant you will protect yourself from that.

I agree with Kick. Just carry on as usually.

Don't get in to a silly tit-for-tat situation and don't communicate by text. Be civil. Be dignified and slightly detached.

What do you want in the long term?

He is an arsehole. The stonewalling is the least of your problems. My ex was like your dh. When we first started dating he treated me like a princess and put me on a pedestal, but then spent the rest of our relationship criticising me and trying to change me into what he'd built me up to in his mind's eye. He was always putting pressure on me to lose weight and take more exercise (I was a size 10). You deserve to be with someone who loves you for who you are.

He will wear your confidence down til there's nothing left.

My ex drank protein shakes too. In my experience men who drink protein shakes are always dick heads! kick him out.

I'm not a mental health professional but I've come across enough difficult people in my private and working life to have developed some tactics. :)

I can see you're finding it difficult to detach & it's understandable. However, by 'cracking' first and saying something, do you see how he makes it that you're on the attack? If you'd left it at 'we're leaving now' (statement of fact) and missed out the 'not that you care' (accusatory) then you'd be on much more solid ground.

The 'bigger issue' - if you'll pardon the observation, is not whether he wants to be with you but whether you want to be with him. Waiting for someone else to give the thumbs up or thumbs down on your own life is both a stressful and weak position to be in. I can't emphasise enough that you need to be in control and making your own decisions about where things go next. Once you know the end goal and once you have a plan, deliver the deathly 'we need to talk'. ... and present him with the plan. Otherwise, disengage until you've worked it out because all you're achieving is more antagonism.

I think you should lose weight FOR YOU and then leave him for another man!

That will teach him that he should be careful what he wishes for!

I honestly don't know how so many women can live with such horrible men!

It is a horrible way to live. Life is far too short. You sound like you have so many things going for you op, you hold down two jobs, which you are obviously good at, have a lovely dd and run a home. Don't you see that you will never please your dh? My dp has seen me at weights ranging 5 stone apart when having dd. my weight has never been an issue for him and tells me daily how beautiful i am, how much he loves me, and recognises and commends my other atteibutes and achievements, however small.

There is nothing wring with YOU. He is an abusive bully, he will never change and you will never please him. Can you really live your life like that? Would you like your dd to end up with a man like that? Do you think her hearing her dad criticise her weight all the time is doing good things for her body image?

Hi Angel, Thx for your note. I agree neutral is best.
Hi Imsooverit, I laughed so hard t your comment about men who drink protein shakes. Thx For that!
Cogito, Thank you again for all your support and intelligent advice. Are you a man or a woman? Not that it matters but I am curious. I have a mental image in my head of you but it keeps changing. The current one is that you are a lawyer. I have no idea how to craft this plan. I guess I want to stay with him but I just want him to be happy with me. I know he is not. He's not all that bad, but I don't trust him because he doesn't communicate straight with me. His communication skills are the absolute worst I've ever experienced. He is intelligent. But he is extremely passive and passive aggressive and I don't trust him because of it. He is like a butterfly. Sit there awhile and he will flutter around. But if I move the slightest he will fly away. Hard to describe. His contact with me during the weekdays is dwindling down to nothing. I hate being the pursuer. Maybe he flirts with women online. He's on the computer a lot. I don't think so but who the heck knows. He seems content to have his life with me and the kids and I don't think he wants to move on. But he doesn't want a fat wife either. Funny thing is when we first got together his sister and friends said he would never date me becUae I was way out of his league. Now he is the fit and healthy one and I am the flat slob. Funny how roles turn so drastically over time.
Thanks again. Still no word from arsehole. I don't expect any . I am at my daughters skating lesson now and then well head to the mall and maybe downtown to do some walking and find a healthy place to eAt for lunch. My weight is causing more problems in my life than I can stand. It has come to that point. So I will take action on that . But not because of arsehole.
Thx. :)

He is like a butterfly. Sit there awhile and he will flutter around. But if I move the slightest he will fly away.

So let him. Tell him what you want. If he will not agree to that, then you have your answer.

Yeah why would someone drink protein shakes? Food is supposed to be enjoyed, I always think people that endure protein shakes must be pretty joyless!

I totally agree with Cogito. This is where I am at. Oddly my partner is also fastidious about doing the laundry and sweeping the floor, and I've just heard him hoovering the hall! You should detach, disengage from the games. Don't drop to his level. Do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel better about yourself, start to prioritise your own needs. We had a nice family BBQ this evening and he may think that is the green light that things are OK, but I shall maintain my position. Until I get what I need from him which isa heart to heart conversation and for him to stay in the same room as me until I have finished what I am saying, no Matter how hard he finds it to listen to! It's not easy dealing with men like this. I don't know what the end result will be for me, but I can't ever imagine respecting him again in the way that I feel I need to. But who knows. I have an open heart.