I have a problem, my friend hates my dh

[TiramiSue]

My good friend, call her jenny, arrived up to my house last night. I wasn't expecting her and was on my way out with the kids but told her to stay for a few mins anyway as I hadn't seen her since Xmas (she had been acting quite funny with me I thought) avoiding me, going out with mutual friends and not asking me along and stuff like that, I was beginning to think I had done something to her.

Anyway she broke down in tears and said she didn't want a rift between us but that she was fed up with my dh, that he had really pissed her off before Xmas and she hadn't felt that she could bear to see him ( and therefore me too) because of this.

There is a bit of a back story here. My friend is married to my dh's cousin. Cousin is a bit of an asshole at times, hasn't treated jenny very well, not abuse or anything just really selfish toward her, she suffers from a serious chronic health condition and Ivf has failed for them and throughout he has been totally self absorbed. My dh has spoken to jennys husband a few times as they are nearly as close as brothers and he can be very blunt with him and has told him to wise up and treat jenny better.

The thing is, the cousin, call him john is a farmer and has a small business. He has consistently ignored all advice and help offered to him a and has run his business into the ground and is in debt to loads of people. One of those people is my dh who has sold him animal health products over the years. He owes my dh in or around 15k and this figure has largely remained around these for about ten years, because he is family and my dh grew up with John and they are close, he has always given john a lot ol leeway, taking small payments now and again against the debt, but never actually getTing paid in full. My dh feels that John has really taken advantage of this and this is one example of johns selfishness.

My dh recently was approached by a large company who wanted to buy him out. He was delighted as the business has been very tough fro him in currency economic climate and he was happy to get out. He had to try and get all his outstanding accounts settled before a the transfer so he had to go and see john before Xmas and ask him to at least make some payment toward the debt, and try and start paying off small amount more regularity as this company wanted as clean a slate as possible taking over.

I think this is what has annoyed jenny although she won't quite admit it . She won't confront him, or tell him, or me what it is he has done, and I feel this is very unfair as my dh should be given a chance to redeem this or apologise if he has been out of order. She seems to think this should not affect our friendship, but it does, it already had, and I feel she is asking me to be her friend and hang out with her regardless of how she feels towards my dh or hw she acts toward him which is to ignore him really.

Sorry this is so long. I am not sure what to do or how to handle this but I feel that she is being unfair to both of us.

First things first, I'd get to the bottom of exactly what's bothering Jenny about your husband. You are speculating. It could be something more understandable, or easier to deal with.

Jenny needs to tell you what she is so upset with your DH about.
I'm sure her 'sefish' husband has spun her some lie or another and you get it straightened out.
Your DH has supported this couple for years so he deserves some sort of explanation.
Jenny also needs to make sure she is not financially tied to John in any way.
If he has loads of debt to different people, she needs to ensure she is a finacially secure as possible right now.

She needs to seek some legal advice on that one I think.

I feel stuck in the middle between them.

I have a feeling that jenny will not tell my dh what it is he has said or done, as she hates confrontation, yet will continue to be annoyed at him and avoid situations he is in.

This is going to affect our friendship as i feel it is unfair if she doesn't at least give my dh the chance to resolve or redeem this.

My dh can say tactless things, but his heart is in the right place and he would be really generous and help anyone out if they had a problem. He has stuck up for jenny many times and told john whats what, but of course jenny doesn't know any of that, i never told her as i didn't want her thinking we were feeling sorry for her, no one want that.

I believe that she is generally unhappy with her life, (for lots of very understandable reasons) but has made my dh the focus of her anger and discontentment, almost as if he is to blame for their problems.

i'd tell her that unless she tells you or your dh what he is supposed to have done then you don't really see a way forward.
Its going to be really awkward trying to keep a relationship going with her without your dh especially as he and john are cousins.

Why don't you arrange some time out with her on your own and see if you can get to the bottom of it.

Yes Trench thanks for that, i think that is a good idea and probably is what i will have to do to get to the bottom of things. I know its probably a lot of different comments my dh has made, going back over years, my dh and john have a very slagging type relationship where they take the piss out of each other a lot. I think Jenny has taken offence at things that hasn't even registered with John, but mainly i think this issue comes down to the money aspect, and the fact that dh had to sit down with them and ask them to try and start paying it, or some of it, off.

How bizarre is she, coming to you with tales against your husband? If he's tried it on with her, she should say. If she knows he is cheating you, emotionally, financially or whatever, she should say. Otherwise, her best course of action is to keep her mouth firmly closed. If he's still your dh, he's off-limits for her complaints.

It's ridiculous for someone not to want to be your friend because they don't like your husband. Of course, it's easier if they do like them. But it really isn't essential.

BUT, I think you need to ask her outright if she has something that she needs to tell you about him as there seems to be something unexplained about this. If it's all just waffle, then he just can't be discussed in conversation - surely that's manageable...

Leftitall i kind of agree with you actually…i mean, her husband John has said innumerable stupid, offensive and irritating things to me over the years and i have just ignored him because he is a tit, and i love my friend too much too let his idiocies come between us.

Yet when my dh has said some stupid things to her, or to john in front of her, (for e.g. he has urged them to look at their phone system because loads of their customers complain to us that John and Jenny never answer their phone to take meat orders and dh has said this to them, but they don't like any criticism) stupid stuff like that. This probably comes across as arrogance from my dh because he is seen as being very good in business, but really he is only trying to help them as the phone issue really was something that people complained about as putting them off.

Potpourri I don't and haven't liked John for many years but have never let it affect my friendship with Jenny so am a bit peed off now that jenny has let her issues with my dh come between us.

Let this be a lesson to you both, do not lend money that you can't afford to loose again.

You don't like her DH, she doesn't like your DH, socialise with each other without the Men then.

I think it's very,very unfair of her to cast unspoken allegations against your husband (he has alledgedly done something so bad she is still in tears 4 months later??!),and I would tell her that.And that unless she clarifies what her problem is then it's game over,you won't entertain her moods.

Hilda i do agree and think it is very unfair. I feel i was ambushed when she arrived in the door (letting herself in) and suddenly after no proper contact over 4 months, bar the odd text) I got this revelation that my dh had pissed her off before christmas, and actually for the last ten years acc to her, because of all his comments and the stupid lines he came out with (these are her words). I instinctively felt concerned about her as she was crying and deeply emotional, yet inside i felt protective of dh and annoyed that i couldn't voice my own hurt about being sidelined for the last 4 months because of her issues with dh, and when i did try to defend dh, i said something along the lines of even though he can be tactless his heart is in the right place, she shot straight back with, "well his mouth isn't!"

it was only after she left that i got a chance to sit down and think about it and it annoyed me a lot, as if it were me in her place i would have arranged to meet up and have a proper chat about things, not swoop in the door at kids bedtime and lay all this in front of me then leave again..

I have been thinking of all this stuff i SHOULD have said at the time but was too focussed on trying to calm her down, she really was all wound up, but am now annoyed with myself for not having the presence of mind to say what i was feeling about things too.

John sounds like a total wanker.

Your H has put himself / his business in a difficult position by allowing John's debt to him to reach £15k. their relationship doesn't sound very healthy.

Jenny is unfortunate to be in a relationship with John, and behaving oddly.

Not your responsibility to try to resolve her problem with your H, or defend him, guess you have a choice whether to end the friendship with Jenny or try to see her without the men or talking much about them.

A priority here seems to be trying to ensure that the outstanding debt doesn't jeopardise the sale of the business.

Dozer the sale of the business has gone through thank god. My dh came to an arrangement with the new company regarding the debt. I totally agree that my dh's relationship with john is incredibly dysfunctional and that though they seem close, lots of slagging etc etc, they are rarely actually really honest with each other over things.

I also agree that i shouldn't have to defend my dh to jenny. I don't think we can have a separate friendship from the husbands as long as this issue or whatever it is, is festering away. I would always be conscious of this elephant in the room and our communication would feel stifled and false.

Unless this gets resolved between jenny and dh, i think our friendship is going to die away

And yes, John is a wanker. I tried, once, before they got married, to really think twice about whether she was sure she knew what she was doing, and she assured me she was. He has never been good to her, its all take on his part, and give on hers. the longer time goes on, the more i dislike him, for this, and many other reasons. They nearly separated once and i actually hoped that she would leave him, but if she hasn't left him by now, she never will, and i find it very hard to be in his company.

So how did she leave it? Because she obviously had a game plan and wanted something from you. Are you now meant to talk to your husband and is he meant to tread on eggshells around the precious two not mentioning horrid things like their FUCKING DEBT!?

I'd start with, did you know you two us us 15k? Which you need to repay or it will go to debt collection when x buys the business? I think perhaps my DH has been snappy due to the money owed and the position you've put us in. I'm sure if you propose a plan to pay back ASAP, he will be more than happy to apologise for his snappiness and any inadvertent snide remarks.

Flipping bitch. Sorry, she's working you.

Jinglets i read your post and the bit about my dh's snappy remarks was like the penny finally dropping. You are bloody right. My dh has watched his cousin mismanage his affairs for years, (ignoring all help and advice which my dh and FIL have given him) and carried this debt, and from time to time his frustration has leaked out in comments he has made. But thinking on it now, and its like you have just lifted the scales from my eyes, its bloody understandable that dh has sometimes lost his patience.

I don't know, i think my friend jenny is so caught up in her life and their problems that she can't see that my dh's frustration is directly caused by her own dh;s selfishness and incompetence.

What should i do now though..should i point all the above out to her and risk the likely outcome that she will side with her dh (wives usually do) and not speak to me again? This is the likely outcome of me pointing out that her dh is an asshole who has milked ant taken advantage of family connections and generosity and patience…

I can't see how this will end well if i am honest with her, yet i cannot remain her friend and not be honest with her, so either way, i feel that our friendship is doomed.

OP I think you have misunderstood dear Jenny.

You are supposed to be so fearful of losing her "friendship" that you persuade DH to let her and her cockwomble husband off the debt.

You have entirely missed her point!

You could avoid getting into it all and just say something like you appreciate the explanation about your H, since you had noticed her treating you differently recently, and would she prefer to see you without the men?

You could also ask her if there is anything she wants you to do. If she says something like speak to your H, you could say that you'd rather not get involved in his affairs or that, if her concern is how your H speaks to hers, it's for her H to raise.

It's clear as day to me that Jenny feels resentful and awkward around your husband because they owe him 15k and is probably aggrieved that he hasn't just let them off with it. She knows the time is running out because of the business sale so she thought she'd try you out and have a diva strop to try and manipulate you.

I agree. She's blaming your DH and crying to you so that you'll go to DH and get him to back off the debt.

They haven't got the money, her DH is being a c@nt about it and she's getting it in the neck more than ever.

Plus 15k is a lot of additional IVF she can't have if they have to repay DH.

I don't think its about the IVF, they gave up on that a few years ago.

I do think its about money though.

I also think that she is very passive aggressive and doesn't even realise she is being manipulative.

Just a quick update to the above. My dh eventually went around to Jenny's house last night as it's been 3 weeks since jenny came round to me and dh guessed she would never bring her issues up with him so he wanted to clear the air with them both. He went with the intention of hearing what jenny had to say, apologising for upsetting her and with hope of reconciliation and moving forward. He came home a. Opulent of hours later pretty tired. Jenny was quite defensive and even aggressive at times in her demeanor and language, telling my dh that he was arrogant an that most other people agreed with her. She told him he was always making snide or sly digs at her, (her own dh John said At this point that jenny was a bit too oversensitive anyhow) but eventually she calmed her language a bit and acknowledged that my dh had done a good thing by coming up to them to try and clear the air and give them a chance to air their grievance today.

I bumped into jenny this morning, I had my kids with me so we weren't going to discuss the whole thing in front of them, but she was all bright and breezy and wanting to meet for coffee tomorrow, (probably I think to talk ove all this). I feel strangely reluctant to engage with her on this or discuss it with her as to be honest I am fed up with the whole thing, fed up with how dh has been treated and fed up with her passive aggressive way of dealing with things, I just feel like I cannot be bothered with her and her drama and her useless dh, and thEir self centred view of life. Not sure what to do now, or how to go forward.

Simple. Tell her you're waiting for her apology to you for her passive-aggressive behavior. And by the way, when are you going to get your money?

Won't see much of her after that, I'd suspect.