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Relationships

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Original poster

Can we discuss what a healthy relationship looks like?

41 replies

dwinnol · 17/04/2014 16:05

I've seen so many threads here from women who are drowning in a sea of fuckwittery doled out by the men in their lives (and men being fucked over by women too I guess but I haven't actually seen any of them). I know when I was being lied to and cheated on I had forgotten what to expect from my husband and in some respects it allowed the cuntery to go on.

So I'll start....

A healthy relationship means feeling like you are the most important person in your DP's life. Not equal to or beneath their mates, their brother, their mother or anyone else. Just you and your lovely children.

And sex should happen, when you both want it. But it should be happening.

What else?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/04/2014 16:10

I think equality, trust and respect are givens in a good relationship. No need for policing each other's actions, no 'jokey' put downs or badmouthing, no-one on a pedestal or feeling taken for granted.

FolkGirl · 17/04/2014 16:11

In a healthy relationship...

You don't get called a "fucking cunt" because your daughter has an accident when learning to use the toilet.

You don't get called a "prostitute" because you're on maternity leave and your 'D'H is having to support you financially at that time.

Your heart doesn't start pounding for all the wrong reasons when you hear his key in the front door.

Those things do not happen in a healthy relationship. The only acceptable level of fear, intimidation and name calling in a healthy relationship is none.

Original poster
dwinnol · 17/04/2014 16:13

Cogito - good call on the name calling, it can start out as jokey and might never progress but it's a flag of some kind isn't it?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2014 16:34

For me its:-

Making you a cup of tea in the morning
Doing the housework with you at the weekends
Emotional support from and for each other
Showing affection, kissing and cuddling or snuggling up on the sofa
Helping to fix your car
Buying you flowers every now and then, just because...
Sending you loving texts on a regular basis saying they love you
Having fun together and laughing a lot
Being understanding when the other is tired or grumpy or emotional
It's being there at any time for any thing

BosieDufflecoat · 17/04/2014 16:48

If one of you is being unreasonable, the other can point it out and be heard, without interruption. House rule here that if anyone's being an arse, anyone else - children included - can tell them so, and be heard out. The arse has to take it on the chin, if you can visualise that. No shouting or name-calling involved on either side, though. Just reasonable discussion.

When you've been wrong, apologise.

'I love you' several times daily. 'Thank you for being my [wife/husband/other half/insert pet name here]' daily, too. 'I fancy you. I fancy that bit there, that bit there, and that bit there. And the rest of you.'

Consideration. Understanding. Admiration. Happy companionship. Respect. Gratitude. Assistance. Trust.

No paranoia. No mistrust. No resentment. No sulking. (God almighty I can't stand men who sulk. I used to be with one of those. USED to.)

Recognising when one person needs to rant something off their chest and letting them do so. Just listening whenever it's needed, really.

For bonus points, find someone you can be silly with.

CommanderShepard · 17/04/2014 16:50

Seems to come down to treating each other like human beings, to me.

Original poster
dwinnol · 17/04/2014 16:50

Yes kindness is absolutely essential from both sides. If only one is being kind it doesn't make up for the gap. Sitting together on the same sofa rather than across the room from each other (very specific to me I guess but it really mattered in the grand scheme of things). Taking interest in each other's interests. Forgiveness. Again both sides.

OP posts:
Lweji · 17/04/2014 16:50

This morning I watched a scene that made me think.

A couple by the car, getting ready to leave and for some reason she snapped a bit and talked a bit louder. He kissed her.
He didn't shout, or called her names. Just kisses her.
I have no idea about the state of their relationship, but even if he wanted her to shut up, only love came out of him.

Original poster
dwinnol · 17/04/2014 16:57

Lewji -sigh Smile

OP posts:
peacoat · 17/04/2014 17:01

God this thread is making me well up! I've never experienced a relationship like this.

Thank you OP, it's a great thread Smile

daisychain01 · 17/04/2014 17:08

Telling you that you are his fantasy

weatherall · 17/04/2014 17:09

When you have an equal amount of leisure time.

Same with spending m

weatherall · 17/04/2014 17:09

Money!

flightywoman · 17/04/2014 17:12

I don't get flowers or texts, and sometimes we are on opposite sides of the room, but my husband never fails to make me feel loved, appreciated and cared for.

He shows that he thinks of me by coming home with something I'll like - it could be anything at all, or making a cuppa, or running a bath or taking the daughter out to give me a bit of time. Or suggesting a takeaway when I CBA to cook.

He doesn't insult me or pick fights, he doesn't name call or play mind games. He doesn't take advantage of our fiscal imbalance to belittle me or subjugate me.

He isn't perfect of course, he's human, but when I read some of what people put up with - here and elsewhere - he's a bloody GOD, and I am beyond lucky.

I adore him, he's the best man I ever met, I know where I am, with no mind-fuckery or pissing about.

In reality we're evenly matched and both lucky.

louby44 · 17/04/2014 17:14

It also needs to have longevity!

Many relationships start out like this (mine did) but then as the relationship settles things change!

A good relationship survives the bad as well as the good.

daisychain01 · 17/04/2014 17:16

Not dragging out a quarrel a d letting go of anger because you both cherish the relationship more than scoring points

TheLadyRadishes · 17/04/2014 17:17

You share the childcare, housework and stuff that has to be done so that you both end up with spare time. You both get a turn at having a lie-in or a night off doing bedtime when you need it.

Even if sex is not happening because you're so knackered, you snuggle up on the sofa / in bed, hug and kiss and say nice things.

When you discuss other people's relationships you end up saying "I'm so glad I'm with you"

You look forward to them coming in/coming back from being away.

You can both say if something has upset you, or if the other one is being a grumpy git, and the offender can say "yes you're right I'm sorry."

Not only is there no violence or personal attacks, there is no unpleasant winding-up, or jokes about personal attacks (e.g pretending to hit you then stopping just short).

While sex is to be encouraged, and you should make an effort to be affectionate and close, there is no pressure or sulking about it.

daisychain01 · 17/04/2014 17:18

Dropping your car keys down the drain in car park and him not say you stupid cow but buying a new key from the garage

Original poster
dwinnol · 17/04/2014 17:37

Yes I ran out of petrol and felt like a massive twat but OP, who had to rescue me just shrugged it off with a "we've all done it". With ex-h I would have had a huge lecture and it would have been raised a 1000 times to humiliate me.

OP posts:
wyrdyBird · 17/04/2014 17:38

You care about each other, and care about each other's welfare. You treat each other in a way that reflects that.

You want the other person to feel happy, and that's what they want for you.

Respect and equality should be present, in such a way neither party thinks about whether they are respected or treated as an equal. It just happens.

You feel loved, for who you are. Not worshipped, or treated like a princess (or prince).

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 17/04/2014 17:59

I think my relationship with dh is healthy because we feel like a partnership. A team. Even if we're disagreeing, we're for each other, not against. We talk, we laugh, we respect. We are a team and tackle everything as such. We don't allow resentment or anger to simmer or build.

AfricanExport · 17/04/2014 18:19

A good relationship is one where. ..

You know that neither one is perfect and accept and love one another warts and all.
Love is not based on looks but rather the person
You never call each other names and swear at one another
You never raise your hand or threaten each other
You don't dwell on the past and keep on bringing things up to hurt one another
you view each other as equals and partners.

You respect and trust one another
You do things for each other because you want to not because you have to.

You still annoy each other occasionally. .. but that's life

Flexiblefriend · 17/04/2014 18:23

I think for me the key thing is being kind to each other. Also that both of you are equally important, and your feelings and needs are recognised as important by the other.

ChocolateWombat · 17/04/2014 18:27

It's one where you both know where you are with it and feel secure.
You have talked through the things which are important to you both and reached agreement or compromise on them. Examples might include having children, money, working, relationships with other people, who does what around the house.

Healthy relationships also involve being willing to put the other person first sometimes. There is an element of self sacrifice....doesn't mean you are a doormat, but that you BOTH choose to do this sometimes, because you want to and love each other.

Communication is very important.

LaurieFairyCake · 17/04/2014 18:28

Championing each other's interest and career - basically being each other's biggest fan.