Can we discuss what a healthy relationship looks like?

[dwinnol]

I've seen so many threads here from women who are drowning in a sea of fuckwittery doled out by the men in their lives (and men being fucked over by women too I guess but I haven't actually seen any of them). I know when I was being lied to and cheated on I had forgotten what to expect from my husband and in some respects it allowed the cuntery to go on.

So I'll start....

A healthy relationship means feeling like you are the most important person in your DP's life. Not equal to or beneath their mates, their brother, their mother or anyone else. Just you and your lovely children.

And sex should happen, when you both want it. But it should be happening.

What else?

And what Lauriefairycake said

Being a 'team'. Which means you face whatever life throws your way together.

Looking forward to seeing each other, sharing 'private' jokes and having a laugh together.

Supporting each other with parenting, back each other up when the children are cheeky or misbehaving.

Never shout or swear at each other or the children.

Be kind. Be gentle. Be honest.

I like the Fairennuf, Be kind, be gentle, be honest. Like vows for the relationship.

*that not the.

Respect, respect, respect.

What a nice thread.

He's my best friend. I know that I'm top of his list of priorities and he would never take someone's side against me. He's the kindest man I've ever met. When we started getting serious, he wanted to be part of my family and to make me part of his. He calls my mum 'mum' and doesn't try and isolate me from them. There's a healthy mix of how much time we spend with friends and family and how much time by ourselves.
We argue, like most people, but he never raises his voice at me in anger or gets aggressive (not that he ever really does get aggressive) because he knows it scares me. We never resort to personal insults or name calling and we don't hold grudges.
We talk about all the important things, money, children etc, and make sure we're both in agreement.
There are no secrets between us; everything is out in the open. All the money is ours, as is the responsibility for paying the bills. He hates ironing, so I do it. He makes my lunch at 6am every day to give me an extra ten minutes in bed. It's all about give and take. There's lots of affection there; even if we're too knackered to start swinging from chandeliers, we'll have a cuddle and doze off together. He tells me he loves me every day. And he's lush!

Say what you mean.

Mean what you say.

kindness
compromise
having no doubts or fears at the start
understanding each other's weak points and supporting where needed
allowing each other's independence and freedom of thought
agreeing about the things that matter - how the dc are educated, money, etc.
accepting the impact each others families have had on each others' inner psyche
never undermining
looking forward to each other coming home
cuddling up every night and waking up with a hug
forgiveness
learning how each other deal with life's crises and understanding how you differ
surviving life's crises
loyalty and honesty with each other
surviving the occasional life changing row
knowing in your heart after 25 years that you have survived the tough bits (loss of a parent, a child) and love each other more than at the start
discussing what you both want when you die. dh wants to be buried; I don't so my ashes will be buried with him. And he understand my dad's will be coming too (long story).

When something good happens to you, you want to share it with them as it makes it even better. When something bad happens to you, you want to share it with them because it makes it a little easier to cope with. Your life is more pleasant in a dozen ways every day for having them in it.

Being kind to each other and generous- emotionally
Listening to each other genuinely
Talking about things- good and bad, being able to say if you don't like something and not falling out over it
Being emotionally constructive not destructive
Being prepared to compromise
Making each other laugh
Absolutely 'for' each other- same side always, in the same corner, loyalty.
Enjoying being together
Our home is our little bit of heaven. We love it.
Making each other cups of tea
Sharing
Cooking together
Just fannying about together and loving it- shopping, going for a walk, reading the papers
Spending 6 weeks alone together in a cottage in rural France and never being bored or falling out
Helping and supporting each other when the bad things happen
Shared values
Wanting the same things and working together for them- direction
Never being verbally abusive or at all aggressive
Not sulking or falling out
Fancying each other
Lots of cuddles and tenderness- the long tender kisses that still make you melt
Good sex, not always fantastic but always good because he always makes sure it is and that makes me do the same and not be lazy about it
Compliments for each other
Sharing the housework, the bins, the cat litter tray, the gardening
All money is 'ours'
Give and take
Understanding each other's strengths and weaknesses
Liking lots of the same things
Trust
Respect
Saying Thank you
Doing something nice for each other- flowers, daft texts, little silly things
Shared private jokes, signals, eye contact
Feeling secure
Making each other's life easier when we can

It sounds a bit soppy. Not that we manage all of this all the time but it's what we aim for. Still niggle and squabble about irritations but we say it and listen and it never becomes big. I think we were both just ready when we met- knew what we didn't want and what we did. Both been round block relationship wise. It was weird. We both knew within minutes that there was something really strong there. Nothing has ever threatened the security we feel together - health scares, bereavements, living 130 miles apart at first. Count my blessings now- there have been lots of times it felt like I had none to count.

Not seeking perfection but understanding that everyone is human and fallible and can make mistakes - then not holding those mistakes against them. Knowing your own mistakes will not be held against you.

Not being afraid to be critical but knowing that criticism is a dangerous tool and one wielded with respect.

Not needing to be the centre of someone else's universe but knowing that you have someone else's back and they have yours.

Watching your partner in full flow about one of his passions or cuddling with your child or helpless with laughter and feeling a moment of rightness.

A healthy relationship takes hard work from you both - its easy when all is going well and appallingly difficult at times when money is tight, futures are uncertain or the children are tiny.

But you both know that you are better together than apart (unless one of you needs a bit of alone time to get some head space!).

Feeling safe, feeling known.

I know he has my back and he knows
I have his.

I'm not scared to voice my opinions, ask to do something or go somewhere. He isn't aggressive and if we argue we make up promptly.
He celebrates my achievements and casts aspersions on anyone who upsets me
I do the same. We can rely on each other. I still fancy him rotten too.

Her wellbeing > my well being and vice versa. Everything flows from that. The last choc in the box, the end of the bottle, the 5 am espresso.

Of course we have problems, and if you're feeling stalky you can find some of them here. Glitches.

Laughing together every day.

we are a unit, we love each other unconditionally.
we function as a team, parenting, housework.
we support each others hopes and dreams.
and when needs be we speak honestly and frankly to each other about things that perhaps need saying - knowing that they come from the right place even if they are hard to hear.
We are fair, kind and for the most part very very happy.