Getting past the hurt

[Headfark]

We have been together a few years and have 2 DC.

Slowly my trust and love and self esteem has been eroded so much I have asked for some time out so he has taken the eldest away for a week.

He has lied to me and my head is a complete mess because if this. He lies about minor things as I very so upset when he does things that take the piss or whatever it may be. He feels he has to walk on egg shells or so he claims so he lies. I had mild PND after our DC 1 as he was emotionally unsupportive .

It's been hard for both of us but we do want to make our family work but have such different views on how things should work and I am at the point where I don't know what I even want anymore.

He is very involved with the eldest DC but a little detached from the youngest one as we almost lost her and me during the pregnancy.

I accused him of having an affair recently (no proof and no amount if snooping has ever shown any evidence) and he said no, stop it, stop making things up to hurt me etc. I just feel if I think he can be so awful and disrespectful and lie what's to say he isn't. This is a terrible state to be in.

He travels with work and my mind is in over drive. He's form for silly behaviour as when I first met him we were both always out and enjoying ourselves. His career seems finally back on track after a few disasters so I won't begrudge him this but I feel resentful as I don't feel I can trust him to be loyal to me and our family.

He comes from a very stable background so no divorces or anything like that. Most in my family are divorced so maybe there is a connection there but when I first met him it now transpires he was in a bit of a mess after a messy break up a year and a half before so was drinking and partying a lot. It's was fun I won't lie but I didn't realise his back story.

So what do I do, do I give it one last chance and try and get over all the hurt he has caused. I'd like to do that but each time I remember his good qualities a loud booming voice in my head says buts he's fucked it all up!

He means well most if the time but gets it so wrong so often and I'm so exhausted by it all. The worry and anxiety at what he is up to is exhausting. He maybe totally innocent but when we were first dating he was a bit of a loose canon I suppose and in hindsight maybe there were red flags but then I met him at a strange point maybe.

As you can tell I'm very very confused so some advice would go a long way.

Mistrust kills relationships stone dead and, if he's lied to you in the past and continues to lie about minor things, then it's no use him saying you're making things up to hurt him. The onus is really on him to rebuild your trust, not on you to get over the hurt. And that's assuming you want it rebuilt. 'Meaning well' is inadequate... after all the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I suggest you give him the opportunity and a time-frame in which to show that he's taking this seriously and wants things to work. Means him going the extra mile to be open, transparent, checking in when he's away, and doing his level best to reassure you. If, at the end of the allotted time, you still don't trust him then it's probably best to cut your losses. A life lived on pins is no life.

I truly think that love can just drip away one drop at a time until one day you wake up & realise there's no love left.

You can't trust him, you suspect affairs, your views on how to run your family are different, you resent him, you are tired, worried & unhappy. You are making excuses for his behaviour in the past, he can be silly & he shows favouritism for one child over another. If you tell him this then he gets defensive & turns it back on you & makes it all your fault.

No offence but do you actually ever enjoy each others company anymore, as it sounds like there's a lot wrong & not much that's right.

If he's able to have a conversation about your future, then try it & agree together the changes that need to be made. Give it 3 or 6 months then re-assess.

If he can't even talk about all of this without blame throwing & anger then you have nowhere to go.l

He does check in but i still question the time in between if that makes sense.

I'm so angry and so hurt at how he has let me down that I'm finding it hard to get past this.

He does try, he phones every lunch time. He cooks all the things I like to eat, takes the children in the evening. Runs my bath, does nice things and as you says the mistrust makes all these things pretty redundant.

Can you ever rebuild trust and if so how?

He is also pretty adamant he doesn't want to be with someone who thinks the worst of him, ie he's run off with someone at the drop of a hat. I say but it's possible and he hasn't exactly made me feel secure an stable over the past few years.

I feel so sad and hurt and angry

Onetired

Yes blame throwing and anger is his MO unfortunately or he'll just walk half mid conversation. Or he will lose his temper as I'm so frustrating apparently.

I'm not allowed to rock the boat from his so called (not so) happy family.

When I approach him the minute I say anything he interrupts with oh but you do this to me or I feel. And then will on top of it tell me I never allow him a point of view.

My point of view are always inherently wrong of course. Or I have an over active imagination. I have to fill in the bloody gaps as he lies to me!

I don't even know what changes to suggest anymore other than this separation.

It came to a head when he was a away and after promising to be considerate of where I am completely blew up at me when I said I was struggling and told me I'm being unsupportive and putting pressure on him. He was in a bar at this point so hardly a stressful environment.

We had spoken during the previous day about my concerns and he wouldn't address anything so any conversation after that was impossible.

He is always 'too busy' too really talk though.

He does all of these things to divert you from the fact that he's wrong & also perhaps to convince himself of his innocence. There is nothing more annoying that the things you have described re walking away & shouting over you. Nothing can be resolved if he does that.

What he's trying to do is to carry on doing whatever he likes but also to shut you up at the same time so he has no guilt. he's always trying to transfer the guilt & the blame onto you.

I don't know if you have been on Mumsnet long, have you heard the term 'emotional abuse'? Perhaps google the term & see if this applies or whether I'm overthinking....?

See now I'm thinking guilt from what? So he is actually having an affair. My head is utterly utterly fucked.

I don't want to live policing his behaviour any more than he wants me to but I've the suspicion that a lot more goes on than he tells me about although he claims there's no time in between working and housework etc.

There's always time as everyone knows. The point is I don't trust him to have my back and put me first.

I want to have a frank conversation with him once and for all, how do I do that if he doesn't want to acknowledge anything. I don't blame him as that's doesn't at all.

He's sucking my will to live and I want him to shape up I really do.

No no, the guilt from the relationship not working. He knows as well as you do that your relationship isn't working but he wants it to be your fault, not his.

It takes 2 to have a conversation, you can't force him to unfortunately.

Ah I never thought about it that way.

He did the whole you don't think I'm good enough for you, nothing I do is good enough or makes you happy speech the other night. It's not I tire to be fair as the way I feel right now he could give me the world on a platter and I wouldn't be very moved until the initial 'ooooh' wore off.

I didn't even accept his present when he came back from working away as it felt so wrong. A duty free bag isn't going to fix being drunkenly screamed at from a bar somewhere is it.

I really want this to get back on track but I don't know where to start. I just don't. I can't even process how angry I am at his shortcomings and the way he has dealt with the pressure of a young family.

He acknowledges this par to the process is difficult but compounds it by behaving in a selfish and shitty way and I'm not sure if that's just him (well yes it is) or if I'm contributing towards it. I think he should be one way and he thinks I should also do things differently. We can't find any middle ground.

"Can you ever rebuild trust and if so how?"

You can, but not always. Sometimes, regardless of how much effort the other person seems to be putting in and how much you want to trust them, it's gone too far to be recovered. If that's where you are now, it's really not your fault.

I don't want it to be this way but for the life if me don't know where to start.

He says he does exactly why he tell me he does no more no less and then expects me to believe this because he lied about sorting out some unimportant paperwork.

It's confusing and debilitating for me to deal with.

You're familiar with the story of the Boy Who Cried Wolf? That's the effect of lies and why they are so destructive. As in the story, when a liar tells the truth, you still don't believe them. No-one does. Perfectly normal.

This is basic stuff isn't it ??

I don't believe him and he gets angry for disbelieving him.

I don't respect him because he behaves like a child and he gets angry for this.

He's always angry because of me.

I've said to him he seems to enjoy me running after him to try and make this work and he was upset and dismissive but I think it makes him feel wanted to some degree. Maybe that's a big too over analytical.

He is moving out at the end of the week now and all of a sudden is very happy about it.

I just feel sad whereas he is acting like he doesn't care at all. I just don't get it. Please someone stop me contacting him again as it makes me feel so desperate and stupid.

He swaggers about acting like he has it all but he can't even treat his family with a modicum of respect.

I feel like my world is upside down at the moment. Ie nothing left after this and will now have to start all over again and it's so daunting.

You have not said really what he lies about except it is small things. Could it be your innate mistrust from your background (you said lots of divorce) that has made you very wary and mistrustful? I know this has been the case for me in the past and have learnt that it is only counterpriductive. If you try to control or hound someone about their actions they may resort to lying just to keep the peace, and then of course it becomes a viscous cycle when you find out they are lying! They are then more likely to lie as it has become a habit and feel less bad for doing so. It must be hugely frustrating to feel mistrusted and questioned all the time and sounds as though your partner has shown this. I think giving your partner space and freedom is the way forward and only then will you know if you can truely trust them. People tend to be more trustworthy if they are not mistrusted: almost like living up to your expectations.

I have been lied to as well in my past with a previous bf but I realise now it was because I was laying down ultimatums and putting undue pressure to do things my way and would fly off the handle if he messed up. Of course he wanted to avoid that! It was a very stressful way for us both to live and my behaviour was making his worse.

This sounds wry similar to what's being going in here too.

Lies about things things which are part of the everyday as if they have been done or haven't been done depending on what they are he things I'll get angry. He avoids any kind if discussion about the state of things and turns it into an argument to we don't have to talk about anything. It's never a good time either so resolving issues is impossible.

I have tried to get him to realise that he has broken my trust in him over the years so being angry with me racist of it is not helpful.

I've become an absolute recluse because of this mess .

And I was always accused of lying as a child by my stepfather so maybe well probably part of it. I try and not let me upbringing affect my adult life though.

He is sick of the accusations and I'm sick of waiting for something terrible to be found on his phone or however really.

I think you also need to realise your part in making the lying situation worse. If you knew someone was gping to give tou a massively hard time about doing or not doing something minor, do you thinkyou may be tempted to just tell them what they wanted to hear?How do you think it would be between you if you didn't question and berate him over everything he has or hasn't done. Do you think he would feel more accepted and more likely to tell you the truth about things? Do you think you would benefit by talking to a councillor about your trust issues?

Sounds like you have been damaged from childhood experiences and this is what may be affecting your current relationship. But if you can work on healing your trust issues from your past (which you should explain to your partner by way of explanation so he can see where you are coming from), you can maybe work on healing your relationship, as it sound like that is what you want.

I've never connected my childhood to this actually so it maybe part of it. It helps to know that it's not just all him being an utter arse if that makes sense. I want to badly to give him the benefit of the doubt but he makes it's very hard for me to do this.

Yes it does make sense, because it sounds like you care for him and want it to work. How does he make it hard for you to give him the benefit of the doubt? Is he constantly on the defensive and expecting to be in trouble with you the whole time and quick to get frustrated with your mistrust? And can you blame him? Maybe you need to try and wipe the slate clean, forget what has gone before, and start from the beginning with whatever brought you both together to begin with - and with you trying your hardest to give him space to be himself as an independent individual and trust he will be there for you (with help from councillor if necessary).

The alternative is to walk away, but are you sure you won't have the same trust issues with anyone else you would meet? Your childhood experience is bound to have a big influence on how you relate in your adult relationships. This is when the foundation of your beliefs about relationships are laid.

All of what you have said is so spot in it scary.

My parents separated when I was very small so I only have a few memories of being a normal family unit.

I don't see the relation though. He is very angry with me at the moment and won't let me speak at all. So angry he just gets hysterical every time I try to talk to him about what's going on. He isn't perfect but I realise this is my issue. He has made this situation what it is though and yes I do have a huge part to play.

We are both usually loving caring people and there isn't any sort of abuse I don't think just many many sad problems we have to try and cope with as the last few years have been tough.

Maybe write him a letter then if he is fed up with talking? Explain in it what part you feel you have had in the issues and that you are ready to deal with them. Do not lay into him at all and just say that you will be happy to talk if or when he wants to, as you really want to sort out the root of your problems and resolve them so you can be happy again. You both sound like good people and he sounds like he has a lot of potential as a partner and I am sure you can be happy if you get over this obstacle in this relationship, and if you do it should bring you closer.

You said he had difficulty bonding with DC2, but he also sounds traumatised with losing both of you, which is undetstandable, so he made need help from you in this bonding process. Otherwise you have indicated he is very caring in the way he has treated you, in terms of what he does for you.

I'm so tired of it all though. He hasn't behaved impeccably himself though he says it's in response to me!

He is an angry shouter and always told a few fibs here and there so I know it's not me being overly sensitive in all cases.

When he loses his temper it really is quite awful.

I really do want to wipe the slate clean but it's very hard to move forward when there is so much hurt.

I have written emails before and one he even refused to reply to as he thought the whole thing was pointless.

I want to try and move forward somehow but at my own pace not his for once. The issue I'm having with this is he ignores any issues I have an minimises it. I jut want him to listen, really listen and remember what we have spoken about, especially when we fall into the same habits.

I hope I'm making sense I'm quite tired today.