Getting past the hurt

[Headfark]

We have been together a few years and have 2 DC.

Slowly my trust and love and self esteem has been eroded so much I have asked for some time out so he has taken the eldest away for a week.

He has lied to me and my head is a complete mess because if this. He lies about minor things as I very so upset when he does things that take the piss or whatever it may be. He feels he has to walk on egg shells or so he claims so he lies. I had mild PND after our DC 1 as he was emotionally unsupportive .

It's been hard for both of us but we do want to make our family work but have such different views on how things should work and I am at the point where I don't know what I even want anymore.

He is very involved with the eldest DC but a little detached from the youngest one as we almost lost her and me during the pregnancy.

I accused him of having an affair recently (no proof and no amount if snooping has ever shown any evidence) and he said no, stop it, stop making things up to hurt me etc. I just feel if I think he can be so awful and disrespectful and lie what's to say he isn't. This is a terrible state to be in.

He travels with work and my mind is in over drive. He's form for silly behaviour as when I first met him we were both always out and enjoying ourselves. His career seems finally back on track after a few disasters so I won't begrudge him this but I feel resentful as I don't feel I can trust him to be loyal to me and our family.

He comes from a very stable background so no divorces or anything like that. Most in my family are divorced so maybe there is a connection there but when I first met him it now transpires he was in a bit of a mess after a messy break up a year and a half before so was drinking and partying a lot. It's was fun I won't lie but I didn't realise his back story.

So what do I do, do I give it one last chance and try and get over all the hurt he has caused. I'd like to do that but each time I remember his good qualities a loud booming voice in my head says buts he's fucked it all up!

He means well most if the time but gets it so wrong so often and I'm so exhausted by it all. The worry and anxiety at what he is up to is exhausting. He maybe totally innocent but when we were first dating he was a bit of a loose canon I suppose and in hindsight maybe there were red flags but then I met him at a strange point maybe.

As you can tell I'm very very confused so some advice would go a long way.

"I think you also need to realise your part in making the lying situation worse"

This is a load of rubbish. You're describing an arrogant man who has no respect for you and who lies to you and ridicules your feelings rather than make any attempt to reassure you about the relationship or change his behaviour to improve your security. He'd rather lose his temper than communicate. That's a bully and bullies never listen unless the words coming out of your mouth are 'you're right and I'm wrong'.

Being the victim of a bully saps your confidence and self-esteem. You question your judgement. You think it might all be OK if you could just find the form of words to 'unlock' his understanding. Unfortunately men like this have no intention of understanding let alone changing. They like you on the back foot, worried, anxious and under control

The only way you're gong to move forward at your pace, I'm afraid, is in a direction away from him.

Thanks for replying.

Is it possible he'll sort himself out or is it inevitable that this relationship has run it's course?

That is a sad thought in a way but he does make me feel like utter shit most of the time. He is pretty much disengaged most of the time and makes himself busy with everything from housework to cooking until late at night and the has enough wine to deal with it all as he says so there is no chane ever to speak. There is always an excuse not to listen to me whether it's a bad time or he walks out mid conversation.

He was cheated on in his lat relationship so I don't know what eating it has on now but I would have thought he would have an inkling of understanding and not perpetuate any insecurities. He creates instability and then plays on it or ignores it.

My head is a mess every time I think about this god awful situation.

His behaviour is odd to say the least. He is always claiming he wants a happy stable loving relationship but keeps sabotaging it and I'm getting increasingly frustrated at being strung along by this guy.

What would a 'normal' partner do in these circumstances. Yes not create ten in the first place but if they ended up in this situation?

It's entirely your call whether the relationship has run its course or not. What is unlikely to change is his personality and attitude. Your choices are therefore (broadly) a) spend more time psychoanalysing his behaviour and carry on being treated like utter shit, b) detach emotionally, do as you please and let him do as he pleases or c) reject him and 'LTB'

A normal partner - one that wanted to be in a healthy relationship - would be going out of their way to restore trust, boost your confidence and generally improve your reassurance and security.

Sorry for being a bit dumb but what would be good examples if him being reassuring.

I'd like to, if after his separation we do decide well I decide I want to continue give him an ultimatum and a list of criteria he needs to fulfil.

I agree tht psychoanalysing him is an utter waste I time and energy. Fuck that absolutely. He can see a therapist if he wants that sort if attention. I mean that as no insult to anyone in therapy either that comments relates directly to him.

We have to see each other at some point tomorrow and I know he is going to act like nothing's happened and I'm to be treated like I'm unstable and a little crazy. He is course has done nothing wrong

It's very frustrating to be with someone who want the upper hand and has to be looked upon as perfect.

Reassurance can be anything that shows someone, through your actions and words, that their feelings, opinions, fears etc are important to you. Sometimes reassurance can be simple acknowledgement or listening, sometimes it's about finding solutions. I'm sure you can think of times when you've had to reassure someone and I bet you didn't do it by telling them they were nuts...

When faced with an arrogant 'Mr Perfect' lists are probably going to fall on deaf ears. What incentive does he have to comply? What consequences are there to him carrying on in the same way? Answer... none. Be aware, however, that if you give an ultimatum you have to be 100% prepared to follow through or you will not have a leg to stand on.

I don't even know where to start. He makes me feel weak and ineffectual as he tramples all over everything.

I know I can't make him listen but I want to try one last time

Then try one last time to get your point across but before you do work out what you're going to do when he doesn't listen again. When you've been made to feel weak and ineffectual and your confidence is low, it's important to claw back control. So prepare well, plan a few moves ahead and anticipate all the likely responses... including the disappointing ones.

The conversation usually goes like this, with me asking 'to talk' he agrees like I've asked for his first born bit usually says yes. I'll then raise my issue only to be told I'm wrong, I'm making it up or in fact that's what I'm doing to him. He then will either interrupt or shout or walk off. Everything to avoid resolving any issues.

If he so desperately wants a happy dynamic I don't for the love of god understand these tactics.
He is in the defensive no matter what a no matter how I approach him. I could say the sun is shining and he will turn it into some sort of drama.

I've tried emails which he doesn't respond to so wiring is pointless and to be honest I don't have the mental energy for that anymore.

I'd like an equal partnership and I know he wants the same but there is such a huge disconnect and such anger no one can see the wood for the trees.

In your experience and from what I've described is this salvageable?

I don't know if it's salvageable. It rather depends on how much you're prepared to keep tolerating because he (and I'm repeating myself) is not going to change. All I see is someone who emphatically doesn't want a 'happy dynamic' or an 'equal partnership'. There is no 'huge disconnect', no 'wood for the trees' and I don't even think he's angry.... I think it's put on for show.

Very simply he wants his own way and gets it by using bullying tactics to keep you down

Personally, I would not waste my time with someone who treated me with such contempt but I am not you.

Truth sometimes hurts, doesn't it

He has caused a lot of hurt, I see this now.

He wont see this though and it's hard to walk away.

I don't think he is an intentional prick just conditioned a certain way but no excuse though.