DH, no sex drive and MeetMe

[queenofwesteros]

Namechanged but regular here. Not sure whether I'm acting like an idiot and would appreciate some perspective please?
DH and I married for 18 years, 2 kids 10 and 14. We get on fabulously well and he is a great partner and father. But. He has had ED issues for years now (8 I think) and I've tried everything I can think of to tackle it with him..taking sex off the menu, just cuddling, being romantic etc etc. There's nothing physically wrong with him, he's been to the doctor, prescribed Viagra (which doesn't always work btw) and had counselling...nothing wrong with him. He assures me he loves me but I want a sex life and feel rejected, unattractive and frumpy. I've talked abut this with him til I'm blue in the face, he promises to make an effort, everything is great for maybe 2 weeks and then slides slowly back into oblivion. I think he feels that he has an "inferior" job to me (I am the breadwinner) but assures me it doesn't bother him and I make pains to assure him that we are a team. Just for context, a couple of years back an old flame got in touch with him through the dreaded Facebook. This led to me discovering a string of texts between them, beyond flirty on her part, not so much on his but it is my biggest regret that I just didn't quietly put the phone back and see how things developed (he swears up and down he just liked the attention but I'll never know whether it would have went further). Instead I went apeshit and warned him that if anything like that happened again he was gone. I think it's relevant to say that his behaviour didn't really change during all this despite me knowing him so well.
So fast forward and my spidey senses are thinking that something's up. We had a massive talk - again - the other week about lack of sex and I asked him to promise to always be honest with me. He promised. He says he has no sex drive any more. He keeps suggesting toys (we had some previously) but I feel that he thinks he can just stick a plastic cock in me (sorry, TMI) and it'll shut me up and let him off the hook. He says he just doesn't want sex. However on snooping on his phone (and yeah shoot me, I know it's not great but there you go, he's on the damn thing night and day), he's been watching porn and googling how to make girls shoot their load in a guy's mouth . Furthermore I saw an email from Meetme which said he had a new nearby secret admirer. I've gone on to the site and checked his profile - he's on there a LOT (last login 3 hours ago) but of course I can't see what he's actually been doing on it. He's never breathed a word of this to me. I feel that maybe he is bored with me though he swears he isn't.
Am I being paranoid? Is he on Meetme just to genuinely meet new people? Is he looking for attention? Leaving isn't an option at the moment. I love him and couldn't upset the kids, and I so want to make our marriage work. But I just have the inkling that something is up.

What do I do?

I think if I confront him about the MeetMe thing - he'll just claim it's an innocent social networking site, won't he?

I don't think you're understanding that the problem here is not you. It's him. It's got nothing to do with boredom or desire and everything to do with psycho-sexual issues belonging to your DH. Therefore it is his issue to fix. You can't make him do that, all you can do is decide to live with it or leave, or issue an ultimatum that you'll leave unless he fixes it in the hope that he'll comply but with the understanding that you will carry out your threat if he doesn't.

But it is not you.

What I always say to someone who suspects some sort of betrayal in their relationship but has no proof is why do you need proof? Unless you are some sort of neurotic and insecure mess, most people in happy relationships simply don't have suspicion. Something has happened to raise that suspicion. That in itself says the relationship is in trouble.

Relationships aren't a court of law. You don't need proof beyond all reasonable doubt. Your feelings matter and being unhappy is reason enough to say "this isn't working for me. I want to change it or end it."

This must be hard to read. I'm really sorry.

OP, no biggie that he's kind, generous and all the rest of it, why would you be with a man that didn't have these traits, no point in excusing him away with what is in fact the basics of human nature.

And you're ok with the porn he's looking at but yet makes it clear to you he's not interested in sex...how does that equate exactly?

You are going to have to sit him down and have a really long frank talk, if he's not willing to do anything about this then you need to start thinking about yourself, like what he is doing.

Yes, think I am going to talk to him tonight.

And agree with pounding, his sex issue has nothing whatsoever to do with you, it's far more complex and it is HIS problem.

Is it possible that he is just trying to use all means possible to jump-start his sex drive? Kind of exploring different avenues of sexuality to see if something clicks for him and then he can explore it withyou?

Sorry I might be right out in left field here but I don't automatically think his actions are nefarious....

Hearts I thought this too. I would like to think this is the explanation as I can't believe that after my reaction to his ex texting him, he would jeopardise our marriage for a cheap online thrill.

I agree with Hearts, it sounds like he could be exploring different kinks to see what arouses him now / still arouses him.
Not too sure on the Meetme app but I don't think it necessarily means he is cheating.
For me it wouldn't be a LTB yet but I would certainly want some answers.

Not being funny OP but what is the reason he can't actually give you pleasure, he doesn't need to perform himself, does he think cos you are a woman you don't have sexual needs, of course you do!

He does give me pleasure Jan but for me personally, PIV sex is really important, I need that particular thing to connect with him (and honestly I'm the least clingy person). And also now I feel that when he is giving me pleasure it's only because it lets him off the hook IYSWIM...in other words he's done his duty and doesn't need to engage for another while. I've tried pleasuring him in other ways too but he either doesn't get hard at all to start with or his erection doesn't last.

So can I backtrack a bit and ask whether the consensus is that the MeetMe thing is a hook-up site or genuine social network? I don't really know anything about it.

It's hard to tell without a setting up a profile but it looks like it is officially a social-networking site but I would still be apprehensive as it seems the focus is on meeting 'new' people and people conveniently in the local area.
I'll be honest, it's not enough evidence as it stands but I personally would be very anxious about who he's hoping to meet or chat to and what his intentions are, or might become.
I speak from experience, I discovered my bf had been messaging several girls on several similar sites and from reading the messages/emails and seeing the several semi-naked photos girls had sent him (willingly, for free!!!) on his phone it was clear that it was sexually motivated and the flirtation was massaging his ego.
It was pure attention-seeking on his part as we were going through a very bad patch at the time and our sex life was very sparse with me initiating and him rejecting my advances.
It was also completely unacceptable and resulted in him being kicked out for a week while I decided if it was a deal-breaker and us attending Relate - which helped massively.
It made him see that a "harmless cyber flirtation that didn't mean anything and no different to watching porn" to him was no such thing and constituted infidelity to me.

However, we worked through it and we have clearer boundaries and have recovered from it, but the trust is still not 100% back, I am always mindful of him being possessive over his phone and of any time the Private Browsing is on on the iPad.
It's not a good feeling.

I would say that the trust is not 100% there for you either due to his previous form and this doubt you have now and that is so corrosive long term.

There is a sexual frustration on both of your parts, it needs addressing with counselling and frank and honest discussion or it will drive you both completely apart and into exploring other avenues of sexual fulfilment.
Even if this is nothing YET, it is very likely to develop further if you don't deal with it, bide your time and do some more snooping so you can confront him or drag him to counselling as a couple.

The scary option is to set up your own 'fake' profile and see if he engages with you, start chatting and flirting but this is a dangerous approach that might see you very badly hurt.
At least then you'll know for sure and your gut instinct from his flirty online chatting with you will tell you if there can ever be any trust again or whether he is genuinely interested in actually meeting up for a no-strings liaison.

Let's hope he is just looking at porn etc to see what arouses him.

Good luck and be strong, keep us informed.

You've been with him throughout his worst employment humiliations. I think maybe he associates you with them even though you were supportive. You were a witness to the times he felt really small and weak. He can flirt with a woman who wasn't there and the pictures of women in porn don't have any personality at all as far as he's concerned so he's safe there. It's all in his head. He needs therapy.

If he doesn't at least try then you have to consider your future.

OP, ah, your post doesn't indicate any sex, in fact it implies no sex life...

As for the Meet Me, it's a site for meeting new people in your area, don't you find that a bit odd for a married man, I do.

Don't mean to be nasty but I think he's getting his kicks from other sources, mainly internet.

Just to clarify, our sex life really is almost non-existent. We attempt it (mostly me initiating) every couple of months, maybe longer? This year it's only been two or three times, if that. I really, really appreciate all the advice. I've been going quietly mad thinking about all this and I fear it's turning me into a person I don't want to be.

If this is starting to cause distress to your mental health then if he really is a decent husband he needs to understand that sweeping this under the carpet is going to be detrimental to your marriage.

You have been kind,loving and patient but it is obviously taking its toll and he needs to step up and take responsibility for what is going on.

Please try not to internalise this. Its easier to blame yourself for not being "young enough" "sexy enough" "hot enough" but I think admitting that your DH doesn't want to try is a harder truth to swallow IFYWIM.

It all started when he was made redundant and had to retrain as "the old apprentice" in amongst a whole load of 18 yo's.

Ah. I see.

Yep, they pretty much chopped his bits off there and then.

In addition, he evidently has a lovely wife who is articulate, intelligent, confident and ... the breadwinner.

He probably feels about 2 inches tall.

The problem isn't you ... you sound great.

The problem is all in his head. He needs therapy - and probably fairly serious therapy at that because the idea that he is a failure that can't perform now seems to be pretty deeply embedded.

Well, we have had the frank and brutally honest talk. The Meetme thing was a red herring, he'd clicked on some app on Facebook and it had automatically registered him on the site...I believe he is being truthful about that. I've made it clear that while I'll do as much as I can to support him with the ED issue and am prepared to work on our sex life, I am done having these conversations every few months and if he won't at least try to fix this, we are through. i told him it was grossly unfair to condemn both of us to a sexless existence with no intimacy, because that it what our marriage is at the moment. i asked him to seriously think about what he wants and if he is truly happy as things are at the moment, then we have to part as I am clearly not happy. However he is not happy either he admits, so will book us an appointment for relationship/sex counselling. I think (and hope) that this time he is taking me seriously. He knows I am at the end of my rope and that life is too short, as much as I love him, to live without having my needs fulfilled. So we'll see. I'm very grateful to you all for the advice today, I really think I managed to keep the conversation mostly rational and calm because of that and brought up quite a few of the points you've raised.

I'm glad to hear you had a good talk about the sex issues and managed to put your points across. Did you feel he is willing to put the effort in to make things work?
Just a couple of things running through my head when I read your latest post -
Personally I would be concerned that his last login on Meetme was 3 hours ago yet he claims it was a FB automatic register, was it a coincidence that you checked his phone just after he clicked the link? Did he have any explanation for the porn?

Hope things work out for you, OP. Good Luck.

Re the MeetMe thing, he showed me the email he'd gone into yesterday morning - the time of which coincides with the "login" - and it does show that he'd gone into it to set ntoifications to zero (I'm not sure that makes sense but it showed me that he was trying to get rid of the account). He showed me the entire thing and it shows no activity on his part at all, so I do believe it was a freak coincidence though he acknowledges that with the lack of sex life and porn it would have certainly looked to me like he was looking on a dating site.

I gave him every opportunity to tell me that if he was genuinely happy with our marriage as it stood, then he needed to tell me that so I could make my own decisions as to how to proceed. He said he wasn't and admitted he felt about 6 inches tall a lot of the time but just stuck his head in the sand and hoped it would get better. I pointed out that after almost a decade this wasn't going to get better on its own and that he needed professional help. Hence the agreement for counselling.
The porn he admitted to using. TBH it's not a huge deal for me. He told me he can get off to porn because there's no expectations, no disappointment, no "consequences"....and assured me it has nothing to do with my attractiveness or being more attracted to the women on screen. I do get that.
So hopefully we're moving forward to a more fulfilling marriage for both of us.
Thank you again for your advice.

Glad you've both been able to have that talk, re the Meet Me and the porn, it's a well known result of men who don't have a sex life, I'm afraid I would be reluctant to believe his story, you can't be registered other than by yourself I'd say and he could easily have deleted any history. Having said that, he knows now you are on to him and also that you are not willing to carry on in a sexless marriage, all good and I wish you both well. All very well for him to stick his head in the sand but he's in a partnership and should and has to take your feelings into consideration, sounds like you've made all that clear though.

Indeed Jan, I am a strong person who would do fine on my own without him and he knows this, so no more fannying around. He knows without question that while I'll work with him, I've done as much as I can, it's now his turn to fix what is essentially his problem. And if he's not willing to fix it, that is the end for us.

I think he's getting off on the fact that he can withold sex from you. It's (in his head) the only power he has - to reject you sexually and make you unhappy.

I also think psychosexual counselling is the answer - or an agreement that you get your sexual needs met separately but are honest with each other.

It sounds like counselling is a good idea. Viagra is not the only medical option available.