Friend getting me down... I think she knows now

[Nic04]

Hi. I feel like I've had enough of one of my friends, but she's my oldest friend and I can't bring myself to just cut the relationship off completely. She cancels plans frequently, is generally unreliable and always seems to change her mind after she's agreed to do something. There have been many times when I've felt very put out about her cancelling everything at the last minute, and by her not turning up to things when I think she's coming. Nevertheless, we still speak quite regularly on the phone - usually about once a week.

At the beginning of this month I told this friend that dh was having 4 weeks off, and that he was going back to work at the end of March. She said "Well I will definitely have you both over for dinner during his holidays." DH gets on well with her dh, so I said that would be nice. Well three weeks have gone by and I haven't heard from her, but my mum happened to speak to her yesterday. She said to my mum, "Tell (Nic) that I will ring her after her dh goes back to work - probably next month." I mean - what the??!! So much for the dinner invitation. I guess I am just so sick of her doing this, I feel like I don't want to put up with it anymore.

So... I rang her just before and confronted her about it. I told her what my mum had said, and asked her why she hadn't been in touch. She said something like "Oh I've been busy, I thought I'd just ring you when your dh went back to work." When I said I thought we were going to catch up for dinner, she just made some excuse, like she always does. Anyway the conversation ended ok but I know she knew that I wasn't very impressed. I'm usually very easy going so she probably wonders why I've reacted like this, but I just feel that I've had enough of being stuffed around. Not sure how things will go with her now, but if she's a real friend, I don't know why she treats me (and probably others) like this. Have I done the right thing in letting her know?

Oh no, I'm one of 'those friends'. I don't mean to be and I love all my friends dearly, and make a point of telling them.

If she's anything like me, she doesn't mean any harm... mostly I just don't have enough hours in the day to do everything. I'm always exhausted and I'm always feeling guilty that I haven't seen (or spoken to) x for a month.

I would hate to think my friends saw me like that, though they probably do. I think it's harder once you all settle and/or have children, careers etc to see 'old/best' friends as often as you should. I know I often take mine for granted and they're always the ones I seem to let down last minute.

Sorry no solution, just wanted to say that it's probably not malicious.

Fizog I know it's probably not malicious, but it's very hard KNOWING that you cannot rely on a person at all. She has been a great friend in the past, loyal and helpful etc, but none of my other friends put me through the bl**dy ringer the way she does. Every time we organise something, I wonder if it's actually going to happen. Every time I invite her to something, I know she's going to cancel at the last minute - and if she doesn't, it feels like it's some sort of a miracle.

I guess from my perspective, I just try to do what I say I'm going to do, and I would feel terrible if I constantly let people down the way she does. I'm not brilliant with returning phone calls straight away, I always get around to it, but I hardly ever cancel plans and I can be relied on to turn up when I've been invited to something. I just feel a bit... insulted, I guess, because it happens so much. I wonder why she even bothers in the first place. Not trying to make you feel bad.

Perhaps if she had've called me and said "Listen, I know I invited you over for dinner but I won't be able to do it this month" - for whatever reason - it would've been better than just ignoring me completely and pretending that it never happened. It just bothers me that people do things like this over and over again.

I know, I know - if I don't like it, maybe I should re-think the friendship

message withdrawn

No, I understand exactly what you are saying. Perhaps you could tell her how you feel, it might open up a discussion about it, or perhaps at least she might realise that she's actually doing it (?)

I am also one of those people unfortunatly. Always make plans, only to cancel them and I know it annoys my friends and they have often confronted me about it. I have always been like that, but lately I have tried hard to improve. Partly I am so busy and have so many friends I would like to catch up with that I don't get around to it.....Have your friend got many friends? I had to cut down on the amount of people I would see regularly. I now make more of an effort with my closest friends, try to see them/call on a regualar basis rather than trying to see 20 people in one month. If your friend is a bit like me, it certainly isn't malicious, but it's still very rude and inconsiderate. I think you should confront her and tell her directly that you consider her a good friend and that you get hurt when you don't hear from her or she hasn't got time for you. That's what my friends told me and it worked!

I have a friend a bit like this. She's invariably late or cancels at fairly short notice. However, she always lets me know if she can't make something and is very apologetic. It is irritating, but I accept that it is part and parcel of who she is and I love the rest of her to bits, so I just put up with this annoying aspect. I'm sure there are bits of me that she finds annoying, but, as with any valuable relationship, you have to learn to accept each others' faults.

Could you try broaching the subject with her and asking her at least to let you know if she can't make something?

Only you can decide if this is a relationship which has run its course and you wouldn't miss having this person in your life, but try and resolve the problem first before making any drastic moves.

I'd just like to add that I do always let people know if I can't make something. I am exactly the same as fairymum, only I don't express myself so clearly

Fairymum, I don't think it's that she has a lot of other people in her life, rather that she seems to think that organising one outing/get-together is a mammoth commitment that has to fit in with every other detail of her life. If something minor comes up or if she doesn't feel like doing it for some reason, then she cancels. As my dh says (about her), "All the stars have to line up" before she will commit to something. Even then, there's a damn good chance she will pull out or 'forget' about it. She doesn't work but she has two kids, & I have one. We are both busy but I still like to make time for the people I know, even if I have to juggle a few things to fit it in. She obviously needs a lot of notice and then sees fit to cancel at the last minute if it doesn't suit her. I could understand the odd occasion, but not 95% of the time.

Nic04 - I'm wondering if you are describing one of my best friends! She's a nightmare. It's MUCH more than just forgetting to get in touch coz she's busy..... I think we are all guilty of that. No it's the cancelling at the last minute that really gets on my (and her others friends) nerves.
She even cancels at the last mintute when you've invited her around for dinner, meaning you have cooked a meal her and her DP then half an hour before she's due to arrive she phones and says that she has a headache!

One time she called to say she was too tired to meet for coffee as she had been walking the dog and needed a nap!! FFS!! She's only 26 yrs old, not 96.

Then she has the CHEEK to get all upset when noone goes to her house to visit her! When she makes a big deal about having a party then cancels her own party then does she blame us?? We have to get babysitters etc etc organised, yet she leaves us totally in the lurch all the time.

I don't have any good advice for you, but I say WELL DONE for saying something to her, I've never been brave enough to confront my friend about it. Maybe she'll have a bit more consideration for others now.

have to say i would drop someone who did this to me regularly.

A woman said to me the other day, what shall i get for your sons birthday a daddy, i have not bothered with her since. Fizog you only live once give it a wide birth for a bit. Keep your distance. Don't fall out. Just let her grow up and gain some respect x (and don't don't think its any reflection on you, she needs to sort it out )

Nic, I can't abide unreliability. I wouldn't dream of just not turning up somewhere, if I was physically capable of speaking I would get someone else to phone if I couldn't.

If people do this to me I just don't make arrangements with them again. I only include them in plans if it is not important whether they turn up or not.

It is all very well for people to say 'that's just the way I am, I get busy', but we are all busy.

If I spend an hour cooking dinner for someone they surely can spend five minutes to make a phone call. Otherwise their attitude is a simple, 'my time is more valuable than yours.' No way.

If you actively want to stay friends even if she stays the same, then do. If not drop her.
If you want to stay friends, you probably need to accept she is going to do this. In that case,I would always invite someone else as well to something you organise with her, on the assumption she'll probably cancel and at least the thing will go ahead anyway because teh other person will still be there. Also, if you've invited her for dinner don't cook, say you'll order a takeaway when she arrives - if she comes, she can help choose, if she doesn't you haven't lost anything. If you plan to go out somewhere with the kids, say you'lll leave at x time, and if she isn't there just go anyway so you're not messing your child around as a result of her. Ie, plan for her to do this! Or, as i say, jsut drop her.

A friend of ours and her husband are ALWAYS late - it drives me absolutely mad as they'll be an hour to a couple of hours late for dinner or whatever. It does stink of "my time is much more valuable than yours" as someone said earlier here. I hate lateness - think it is really "fashionable" to be late and loads of people do it.

I would drop her too. In fact, I have dropped someone who was a dear friend as she used every opp to put me down. She criticised everything I did and the way I was raising ds (her kids are brats BTW) and she was cross that I didnt gain much weight while PG. She said I was force feeding DS when he didnt want it and I frequently ended up in tears! DH told me to dump her and I did. When I look back she wasnt a dear friend at all.....she was a cow and jealous that I had a boy when she had 2 girls! (She hinted at it) It was the best thing I did and I am relieved she is no longer in my life. She was unreliable and thought her time was more precious than mine and always cancelled things. When we moved abroad, though, she sent me the most foul letter I have ever read. I am well shut of her. (what a relief to get that off my chest!)

I hate making any committments at all and like to have an empty diary - my best friend is the opposite and has to have things scheduled in her diary back to back and planned well ahead of time.

This is just one way that we are polar opposites! She is always outrageously late - I am obsessively punctual. We drive each other crazy with out different takes on life but somehow find a way through it all. The differences between us are responsible for both the attraction and the friction between us.

Your friend has a different way of being - she might change her ways a bit if you discuss it with her but it sounds like she is coming from a whole different angle to you on this, and to say one angle is right and one is wrong is over simplistic IMO

Just to illustrate, if my bf suggests we do something together over the weekend, and I say yes that sounds nice, she thinks
"We will definately spend a couple of hours together this weekend". I think, "My bf and I like to spend time together, how nice that is. If we happen to be able to spend a couple of hours together this weekend that would be nice." I may or may not contact her again over the weekend, and wouldn't necessarily expect to hear from her that weekend at all.

Scoobysnax - Are you saying that it's not rude and selfish just not turn up at if someone has cooked a meal for you?

I don't think it's just about being a bit late! It's about cancelling plans at the last minute, or perhaps not even bothering to cancel at all! I think that it incredibly wrong.
Another example: I would be livid if I was standing around in the pouring rain with my ds waiting for a friend to turn up, who finally arrives 2 hrs late. Most people have better things to do.

Isn't it common courtesy to let someone know that you are cancelling plans and to give them enough notice to arrange some alternative?

M2T, of course I agree with you that it is very rude and inconsiderate not to turn up for a meal someone has cooked, or to be 2 hours late.

I suppose I was trying to say that this kind of behaviour is extreme, but that most of us have tendencies to some kind of less than perfect behaviour. And I was also trying to say that people are not the same, and what is Ok to one person is not to another. So whilst I think the behaviour described is unacceptable in its extremes, I don't think the friendship is a write off, and nic04's friend is unlikely to be deliberately treating her badly, IYSWIM.

M2T - hope you are doing well by the way, trust you are dazzling Scotland with your bloom of pregnancy?

True Scoobysnax - But surely this particular friend shouldn't expect anymore effort to be made in a friendship she is putting no effort into herself? It's a 2 way thing. If she can't be ar*sed turning up or sticking to arrangements made then why should anyone else?
I wouldn't say that the friendship is a right-off, but she has done the right thing by letting her friend know that she finds this totally unacceptable and perhaps her friend will make more of an effort.

Dunno about dazzling! Or Bloom! Doing fine though thanks and really excited about the new baby.

I think it it a good thing to discuss this bad behaviour with the friend too, and agree that the friend should only expect to get back what she put in to the friendship - but is part of the problem here that one of the friends wants to see the other more often than the other one wants to?

(Even if this were true, it wouldn't make the behaviour OK of course)