Friend getting me down... I think she knows now

[Nic04]

Hi. I feel like I've had enough of one of my friends, but she's my oldest friend and I can't bring myself to just cut the relationship off completely. She cancels plans frequently, is generally unreliable and always seems to change her mind after she's agreed to do something. There have been many times when I've felt very put out about her cancelling everything at the last minute, and by her not turning up to things when I think she's coming. Nevertheless, we still speak quite regularly on the phone - usually about once a week.

At the beginning of this month I told this friend that dh was having 4 weeks off, and that he was going back to work at the end of March. She said "Well I will definitely have you both over for dinner during his holidays." DH gets on well with her dh, so I said that would be nice. Well three weeks have gone by and I haven't heard from her, but my mum happened to speak to her yesterday. She said to my mum, "Tell (Nic) that I will ring her after her dh goes back to work - probably next month." I mean - what the??!! So much for the dinner invitation. I guess I am just so sick of her doing this, I feel like I don't want to put up with it anymore.

So... I rang her just before and confronted her about it. I told her what my mum had said, and asked her why she hadn't been in touch. She said something like "Oh I've been busy, I thought I'd just ring you when your dh went back to work." When I said I thought we were going to catch up for dinner, she just made some excuse, like she always does. Anyway the conversation ended ok but I know she knew that I wasn't very impressed. I'm usually very easy going so she probably wonders why I've reacted like this, but I just feel that I've had enough of being stuffed around. Not sure how things will go with her now, but if she's a real friend, I don't know why she treats me (and probably others) like this. Have I done the right thing in letting her know?

M2T - glad to hear you & baby are doing well - re dazzling, you are too modest, every time they show a satellite of Scotland on the BBC weather forecast there is a little sparkle on the screen...

Hadn't thought of it like that Scoobysnax! Maybe that's true.... Nic04 - could this be the case?

Oh you're too kind. I think that must be my shiny white skin that's dazzling!

No, not at all. I would probably like to catch up with her a LITTLE bit more often than we do, but only because she has a boy who is around my ds' age, and most of my other friends have girls (or boys who are much older/much younger). So it would only be for that reason - for the boys to get together. Otherwise we are generally content to talk on the phone, and just see each other when we can. It's actually her that arranges our get-togethers most of the time.

It's her inconsistency that drives me batty. One minute she's on the phone trying to organise for us to see each other, and then I don't hear from her for ages. She says things and then doesn't carry through with it, like I said she organises something and then cancels, then organises something else and cancels that... I find it annoying and confusing to be quite honest, because I make plans for it and fit it into MY schedule, but she has no qualms about ringing with lame excuses at the last minute.

Scoobysnax I have to say that what you described would probably irritate me no end after a while ("I may or may not contact her again over the weekend, and wouldn't necessarily expect to hear from her that weekend at all." I would be wondering, "Why does she say that if she has no intention of following through with it?" I would start to think that person was either a bit fickle or had found something better to do at the last minute.

I'm not talking about one instance (if it happens once or twice), but when it happens over and over again.

I used to have a friend like this years ago, before children. She cancelled things regularly, always turned up late for things, but expected you to drop everything when she wanted you to go, out/shopping/to dinner etc.
We were friends for many years, but eventually I just had enough, I gradually dropped her, stopped "jumping" whenever she wanted attention. She moved away a few years ago, I bump into her occasionally and we phone very infrequently, but I can't believe I let her treat me like that for so long.Getting rid of her was the best thing I could have done.

If you have a friend in your life who makes you feel worse about yourself when you see them or speak to them, then imo it's time to make space between each other. Friends should enrich your life and make you feel good about yourself, be there in times of crisis, and vice versa.

I read this thread this morning, and though "I have a friend like that, but its OK we have spoken about it and she wont do it again" ha!

We had arranged (a month ago) that we would go out today, without children husbands etc, for a troll through the shops and a coffee. We have spoken about it last weekend, and through the week. This morning at 11.30am (yes I am angry) I got a text from her cancelling.

I immediately phoned her and herad my self saying, that it didn't matter (which it did), and that I wasn't bothered (which I am, I have been so looking forward to day)

I have read the messages here, and it helps to know that it happens to others, and I need to articulate to this 'friend' how I feel. Very down

Wouldn't it be good if we could email this thread to all our so-called 'friends' out there who have this rude streak? I bet it would shock them. I find it mad that some people think they are too busy to keep in contact - EVeRYONE is busy these days and yet some people choose to make time for people who are important to them. It a choice you make, or don't. SOmetimes I think we shoudl treat our girlfriendx like boyfriends - if they didn't call when they said they would or cancelled with an hour or two to go, you wouldn't see them again, but we are so much nicer to women. Is there a book out there on female friendships? I could do with some tips!!

i have a friend, suposedly my closest who has really let me down lateley but im like you and i say oh its ok and i dont mind when i do really. Its hurts that she can be so childish and selfish and i am always the one to give in.

But not this time. (i say that every time)

Infact new girl i might copy this thread and send it

Well... here I am again, and I feel like kicking myself, because I'm still in the same position with this friend. After my last post, I kept my distance from her for a while, until she started bombarding me with phone messages. In the end I got the guilts about avoiding her, so I called her and things basically got back to normal for a while.

Now, it looks like she is back to the same behaviour again... stupid Me for ever putting up with it, I guess. I was supposed to be taking my ds to visit her during the Easter school holidays (she has a ds a bit older than mine), but she rang me once again and told me that her ds has just had 3 different viruses in a row, so she can't possibly catch up with me now. In normal circumstances I might find this believable, except that her excuse EVERY time has something to do with her children being ill. If I believed her every time she said her children were sick, then they would've been sick every second week of the year for the last 12 months. I just know it isn't true sometimes but she seems to use this as her standard excuse for cancelling something. This year, according to her, they've had pneumonia, several bouts of severe tonsillitis, foot & mouth disease, a whole range of mysterious viruses, and a variety of infections, colds and flu's. I'm sorry if I sound really callous or cynical at this point, but I can't believe she thinks I'm that stupid.

Also lately when she rings me, she will leave a message on my phone and when I ring her back, it is never convenient for her to talk. She said to me yesterday afternoon, "Oh I can't talk right now but can I ring you tomorrow at 5.00pm?" I was a bit put out because she made some kind of lame excuse again, but I said that would be ok. And - you guessed it - 5.00pm came and went today and she didn't call. I am not usually particular about people ringing me back straight away but I've gotten to the point now where I'm expecting this behaviour from her all the time. It helps me to vent about this but I know I'm going to have to pretty much cut her out of my life now, or at least keep her at a distance because of the way she makes me feel. It's just so disappointing and hurtful that she feels she can get away with treating me like this. Thanks for listening..

Excuse me if I am bit daft, but if you are so angry with her why do you insist in seeing her? why don't you just move on, avoid arranging new meetings and just continue with a good friendship over the phone?

As many who have posted in this list I have friends like yours and the healthier thing to do was either to gradually stop contact or simply accept them as they are. If I invite my friend for coffee, or for lunch or any other activity I plan everything as if she is not comming, if she shows up great, if she doesn't I don't suffer because I was not expecting her and saw her presence as a bonus rather than a necessity. I'm not a doormat but she has always been a bit (what I am saying! VERY) disorganised and that doesn't have anything to do with me, she is not a bad person, me neither it's just that we are different and accepting our differences is what has made us good friends.

... and I'm sure that in all the caos of her existence she must have let sombody down to meet me in more than one ocassion...

Chandra - most of the time it is her who insists on seeing me (not the other way around). She goes to the trouble of arranging to meet up - a lot of the time the arrangements get changed by her several times in the process - and then she gives me a very lame excuse at the last minute. Sometimes I've even changed other plans in order to fit in with her. I guess I'm so 'angry' about it because we've been friends for a very long time and she has gradually been getting worse and worse, and I think I've been extremely patient with her up until now.

Personally I don't understand why you are so accepting of your friend being so unreliable. This is the very kind of thing that is making me feel so messed around by my friend, as though her time is worth SO much more than mine, and as though it's absolutely fine to consistently let me down at the last minute. Don't you ever feel that way??! I'm sorry but I don't get people like that - they seem to have no regard whatsoever for anyone else.

Anyway I posted again because I was feeling rather hurt about the fact that it's still happening, even after I tried to let her know how I felt, but I guess it seems pointless talking about it. I'm afraid I don't really see the point of having a purely 'phone' friendship either, to me the point of friendship is making the time to see each other, even if it's only every now and again.

You are not forced to say yes for a meeting, say that you are busy and will arrange something in another occassion. And then is up to you to arrange it or not, or meet with other friends at the same time and if she shows up, fine, if she doen't not a major problem.

I accept that of a friend because I know is part of her character and if she has not changed in thirty years whatever I do or tell is not going to change that either, and I keep her as a friend for the simple reason that SHE IS A GOOD FRIEND, she is late, don't show up, disapears for years but when I have a real problem she has been there, therefore all the other things are irrelevant. The last time I saw her she was in such a bad economic situation that they were even going to cut the water supply of her house because she couldn't pay but she really wanted to buy my baby his first pair of "real" shoes and got a beautiful (and very expensive) pair for him with the money she could have used to pay the water. Many of my other friends arrive on time for lunchs, etc but very few would do such a sacrifice. I don't see my sisters doing it... that's possibly why I don't mind the situation...

Nic. Don't beat yourself up about giving it another shot with this 'friend'. You;re a nice person and let's face it, it's not easy to walk away. But sometimes, that is exactly what you need to do. If you're not getting something positive out of a relationship, it's best to let it die off. You don't need to have a dramatic fall out, why not just drift apart? I had a string of so called friends who let me down. I finally ditched 3 of them when they let me down related to my engagement/wedding. At that time I realised that if something so important to me as my future with my dh was not of interest to them, then the growing apart had already happened! None have contacted me since (they always did have a tendancy to shy away from conflict when they knew they had let someone down). And like others have said on this post, it has been the best thing I have ever done. Now my friends are people that I want to share my time and important moments with. Of course I think of the good times with sadness, but I don't have that irritation that I used to get when I thought of them. Basically I have moved on and it feels good.

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I think most of us can relate to having a friend like this. Adding another spin to this, I have found that since having a baby (the first amongst most of my friends), I feel as if I have crossed a bridge to the other side. I still see most of my pre-k friends but there are a few who are reluctant to visit, or aren't willing to make allowances for the fact I have a child, OR in one case dumping their probs on me but when I mention I am tired due to being up with K start losing interest in the conversation. I am giving work in May to be a full time mum and am beginning to think that I need to find new friends who are also mothers if i don't want to end up isolated and lonely. What are the experiences of others? Before i depress everyone though, I also have some friends that have been great and never mind having to watch me change nappies during our gossip sessions!!!