Husband doesn't love me anymore and I'm pregnant.

[123mumma]

Hi I have been with my husband for 8 years, we have had a happy marriage and always got on well. 2 years ago we made a decision to move away from family/ friends for a better job. It was very hard settling in and enormous pressure, which sadly resulted in my husband having a form of breakdown. Together we got through it and I thought were happy. I found out I was pregnant my husband was thrilled, we made plans and thought that things were meant to be. But he started to not be so excited about baby, I put it down to the fact it didn't feel real for him yet, my body n hor mones had changed but when baby was here it would be fine. 2 months ago he told me although he loved me he wasn't in love with me, I know for certain there is no other woman involved, he's a work a Holic, or home every evening with me. He just said our relationship has changed so much. For 2 months we have tried but he couldn't say he loved me back, which hurt me so much,there was always awkwardness after that but no arguments.we decided I'd move back with family, he sobbed when I left. I'm over 7 months pregnant and all I want is my loving husband back and to be a family in our home.i worry he's having a form of breakdown, one minute he's ok then breaks down in tears, he also hasn't told anyone we've split.i had to move out because it was tied house to his job.i know he'll support me financially. But all I want is him, what I wondered was what did anyone else think? Maybe he just doesn't love me or maybe the baby has panicked him as he seems so confused plus he's shutting family n friends out? Or just guilt because I'm in an awful situation now? What do I do? I've never written on this before so I don't und all the shorthand!!

I have looked up anxiety and depression it does seem to fit him. His dad is going to see him weekend, I hope he can talk to him about seeing someone. He has said he has a bad head everyday that he can't ever get rid of, everything you all mention he has said one time or another. It's such a sad situation, I love my h with every beat of my heart and feel helpless. X

He could (you both could) have been at a point of exhaustion and burn-out and then never get stress relief or time to recover and so his physical and mental state (which are the same thing) are always at a low ebb of barely surviving. I think many mothers with post-natal depression get also stuck in his cycle where their sleep deprivation is affecting their mood and they are also physically exhausted.

Is he able to leave the farm and start again?

No he can't leave where he is, work wise he's doing fantastically well. If I was to suggest this I believe he would just go back to saying that things aren't the same with us, that's what he really believes the problem is. Maybe I'm barking up the wrong tree and he just feels guilty because he doesn't want me, or love me, I don't want to kid myself that we can sort it. Because at the moment I'm delaying the heartbreak. But I know he's really throwing himself into work, so if you didn't want to be with someone yes you'd feel guilty, maybe sad and relieved , but would there be this huge emotion and tears.

I am convinced from what you have posted that your husband is depressed.

Depression can take away all that is positive in feeling and replace it with all that is negative. The love doesn't go, it just feel like it does because you can't connect with that part of yourself.

He will be feeling pretty terrible and also pretty confused. I am sure he does love you, but it is just that he is in 'no-mans land' right now. Where he is he will be very likely to withdraw from you.

When a person becomes tearful like that - depression is usually quite severe. If you describe stomach problems and sleeping issues that have been ongoing this might have been building for a while.

He will be thinking "she doesn't make me feel the same anymore" and it is easy to mis-interpret this that your feelings have changed. "I love you but I am not in love with you" is a hallmark expression from depressed partners.

This is hard on him but it is also going to be hard on you. It is treatable, but it is also quite slow to treat and many people are resistant to admitting they have a problem. Most depressed people believe their thoughts (why wouldn't they?) and this can be very dangerous in a marriage.

Can I please advise you to please ask him to see a doctor. This might be hard, but if you tell him you believe he has "stress" and that doctors can really help with this he might be more inclined. Anti-depressants can come with their own bevvy of wonderful side effects (a common one being numbed emotions which won't help!) but if he is very depressed they can help him find a stable platform.

He must get counselling. This is going to be a hard sell - it often is. However people do not get depressed usually "just because" they are stressed. There is usually something fundamentally underlying that combines with stress and isolation to create depression.

Unravelling this is the best treatment. He may have repressed past hurts, emotional issues, difficulty expression his worries, childhood pain...a million things -but there is always a path that leads there.

I want to offer you some support now because when your husband is depressed it can be soul destroying. Your once loving husband might withdraw from you, he might tell you he doesn't love you, he might be completely unable to empathise with you, he might start talking about divorce, he might get aggressive and it's not even uncommon for him to look for someone else very quickly (to try and make himself feel something).

Can I recommend a book called "Depression Fallout" which you can buy on amazon and there is also an online support forum for partners with depression. PLEASE joint that forum as it saved my life going through the same experience as you.

Please also look at a book called "Depressive Illness, Curse of The strong" and "Undoing Depression". It would be wonderful if you could read this with your husband if he is willing or able but remember right now he is not himself.

Please keep posting OP. I have been where you are and sadly my husband left a perfectly happy marriage and behaved very badly when he was depressed and we were not able to recover our marriage. I really hope for you that you can take steps to address this pro-actively now but believe me when I say it is not easy.

Sadly my husband became s convinced he did not love me that he left out home and got his own place and began divorce proceedings. I did everything I could to stop him, but unfortunately by the time he realised he was depressed and his feelings came back too much damage had been done.

God bless OP

x

I was just thinking about you today OP and also wanted to suggest going to a website called "Let The Sunshine In" for you.

Thank you. I think everyone thinks I'm crazy because I'm being strong and holding It all together, but i genuinely believe my husband does feel something for me and it's so out of character I do think he Is ill. I'm trying to keep busy and not contact him, if he contacts me then I will be there, I can't not he is my baby's daddy after all.however w,hen I lay awake at night it hurts and I cry. He seems able to make practical decision like that's a focus for him, he likes to be in control. Re work he's throwing himself into, housework etc anything to keep his mind busy and not think about me not being there.which isn't facing the problem just delaying it, he still hasn't told any friends or anyone in fact that we have split it's nearly two weeks now. I find this odd. I constantly think different things, one day I just want him to get help another day I fear I'm focusing on issues a because I'm scared to face the truth that he just doesn't love me. I will look all these suggestions up thank you for thinking of me x

The phrase I was looking for was "staging an intervention" when is your FIL seeing DH?

You poor thing; my heart really goes out to you, and to your husband too.

It really sounds to me like your husband is depressed, and needs to get some professional help (therapy and drugs).

I have had two major bouts of depression in my life, and both times experienced this horrible feeling which I can only describe as a overwhelming hopelessness. I was numb all the time and genuinely believed I didn't love my husband... Or friends or family...

He can get through it but he does need help. X

123mumma, many depressed people can hold it together when they speak to other people and it's not uncommon for you to appear insane in this situation. What they see is a man who is sad for the end of his marriage and they will connect that this is normal. This is exactly what happened to me.

My husband was telling friends and family he simply no longer loved me, and that he was very sad over the end of our marriage. I felt deeply at the time that something was amiss because we had a perfectly happy marriage - and exactly like in your case he would sometimes see or contact me and would be crying a great deal.

Unfortunately when I mentioned to friends and family that I felt he was somehow unwell, they thought this was me looking for some way to avoid reality. This by turn made me lose confidence in my own instinct and I genuinely accepted that he simply stopped loving me.

He might seem fine to others but if you sense he is not well then please trust your instincts. You know him more intimately than anyone else. The fact that he is withdrawing from you is very much a red flag for depression. So much that you describe is absolutely on par with what I experienced. Maybe try and email him over this video and ask him to look at it: because like my husband he will eventually realise he is depressed because he won't feel better - he will feel worse.

My husband came to the point many months after leaving me where he admitted he was depressed and by that point it had become so severe that he was actually suicidal. His depressed instincts caused him to withdraw when he most needed love and support but he was simply not in touch with what was going on.

I can honestly tell you 123mumma my husband, like grumpasaur genuinely believed he didn't love me anymore and felt devastated that he had lost this feeling but could not get it back. He described "trying to feel it" but he just could not.

Those feelings did return eventually but in my case it had gone on too long, undetected and I had moved on by then and am seeing someone else. My husband is still in treatment and I wish beyond wishing that I could travel back in time to the early signs and first moments of this and genuinely understand what was happening.

He probably needs you now more than ever but doesn't realise it. It's a devastating disease. It really is, ad it is so hard to understand how completely it can suck the joy, life and hope from a person.

This is the link I emailed to my husband that finally got him to understand he was depressed. He read through the list here ad realised he was experiencing all of it.

Please do keep us updated. It will be hard to approach the subject, it will be hard to get him to consider it as a possibility, it will be hard to get him to agree to treatment and even once treatment starts it is a long road to recovery that will take a toll on you.

Please come back here for support. Having experienced it, I can tell you there are few things more painful. Of course we all plan of "sickness and health" and if your partner gets cancer or any other illness the difference of course is that they do not tell you they don't love you anymore and leave!

Let us know if you can get him to look at any of those links. it may help (as it did with my husband) to explain depression is a physical illness where the brain is materially changed. It's like a blown fuse or a broken leg ad he needs treatment, healing, love, support and patience.

x

This is the link: www.wingofmadness.com/what-does-depression-feel-like/

Sorry, I missed that off the post.

Everything you say rings true for me. He says " I'm not feeling it" " it's so hard trying" "things just aren't the same" I sit there numb because I just don't understand what he means. He has started to tell people that it had been coming for a long time, which is news to me. Every time I think maybe their all right he just doesn't love me, I remind my self of how he was when I told him I was pregnant he was so excited, it was genuine, there was no doubt he was happy. I haven't yet changed my midwife that felt like confirming it was def over. I need to go next fri , pick up baby's things and hope I can talk to him then.i also thought I'd print this whole discussion and get him to read it , and highlight anything that makes sense, or symptom he may feel. I know nothing about depression, but hearing from you all has helped me feel I'm not alone, and it makes sense to me, I hope it gives me a better understanding to help him. Thank you x

I wonder whether it's worth you or his father trying to get him to call a specific helpline for farmers and others in rural areas.

It's run by the Farming Community Network, the number is 0845 367 9990 - calls are answered in person from 7am to 11pm every day of the year.

Maybe if he started by talking about any worries he has about his work and business and health, he might then open up about other things, too.

Just a thought.

123mumma, when people stop loving you there are tell-tale signs for some time so if you feel he was genuinely happy and excited and things were fine you are very likely to be right. I have the same experience too...weeks before he was wonderful and very suddenly he changed and started saying things had been going downhill for a while. Like you say, that was news to me.

PattyPenguins suggestion is fantastic. One of the best ways to help is to remove stress and pressure from him.

I think you also need to take care of yourself right now. What dreadful timing for this all to happen to you. You must feel so alone and confused.

I am quite sure your husband loves you. Do you think there is a chance you could get him to see the doctor? That may be the very first hurdle although please don't be expecting magic results.

Do you have support in real life for yourself?

What a good idea it is such a pressured job it makes sense there's a dedicated helpline.

I haven't seen him for nearly two weeks. We have never spent this long apart, we haven't had a lot of communication a couple phone calls and texts but few and far between.i thought I will give him complete space until Friday .i need to go and pick up things, I'll see how he is then.ill know if he looks better then maybe I'm wrong about it all and if he doesn't I'll know I'm right that something's not right. Sadly the longer I'm away the less likely it feels I'll go back. I've gone from a marriage and home to being lodger at my mum and dads,with a baby on the way. My life's a mess. If he doesn't seem right fri I will try to get him to go to doc or look at ur links and messages it may trigger something. Thank you all x

The thing about moving out is "Out of sight out of mind" he can say to himself you're better off without him. While you and bump are no longer around he can convince himself you are gone for good and the baby remains a vague concept.

If you go to fetch things unannounced you will judge for yourself how he is coping. Not saying he has contrived all this to sneak anyone else in or play you but his state of mind generally. Burying himself in work to keep up some illusion of security is insufficient if the rest of his life is in freefall.

I don't know at what stage you protect yourself by deciding that the closer you get to the EDD you need all your emotional energy for the arrival of your child.

You have to remember that if he is depressed he's not going to really "miss" you because this is sort of not possible. All of his resources will be used up just coping with how he feels and he'll have no room to consider how you might be feeling. It does mean that now is going to be the time when you need to be really strong and look after yourself and bump. No one deserves to go through this OP and my heart goes out to you. What timing!

You will have to find some way to feel peaceful during your pregnancy.I know that sounds impossible but you have to work off the assumption that your husband is depressed and that this means he is incapacitated for the immediate future. Think of it maybe like him being AWOL or something rather than your marriage being over. Think of it like this "DH is ill, not is the time for me to be strong, to look after bump for both of us, to really find my inner strength.

If you would like to chat with me, I'd be very happy to talk to you. I will PM you my details. I really have been through an almost identical situation and looking back it was the worst time of my life. I wish I had known then that it would all eventually come out in the wash!

Hey
I just thought I'd write a quick update.
Settling into living with parents, family are all so amazing.
Have had couple of texts and calls from my h now, he still seems to be struggling with emotions, he breaks down in tears a lot. I'm staying strong and positive for my gorgeous bump, with only 7weeks to go I know I have to look after me.
I have bad days, but reading your comments helps. I'm seeing h on Friday and maybe we can talk and try and get somewhere. I don't know where but anywhere at the moment would be a good start.
Thank you all for taking the time to message and give me your opinions, it's helped me more than any of you will ever know.
Xxxxx

That's wonderful 123mumma

When you see him on Friday, try and keep upbeat and positive (I know that's hard) and if he says negative things don't try and argue with depression. He will likely see everything through a very negative lens that sometimes seems very insulting.

He might for example try and blame you...he might try and say things like "we were unhappy for ages" etc. Don't bite if he says things like this. Just respond "I am sorry you feel that way" so you acknowledge his viewpoint even if you know it to be utter hogwash.

Depressed people can be determined sometimes to view things negatively and there's not going to be much of a chance of getting a balanced viewpoint.

Instead try and remind him of happy times by just enjoying time with him. I know that is the ultimate act of self sacrifice when your own feelings are completely up in the air but right now he can't give you what you need if he is in the middle of a major depressive episode.

He will be using all his inner resources simply to exist.

Keep being positive about your gorgeous bump. His / her Daddy will get better...I suspect if you can convince him to see a counsellor it might be exactly what he needs.

Hi OP. I have only just seen this thread but wanted to comment as my DH also became depressed when I was pregnant with our much wanted, planned DC. He suddenly seemed to stop caring about me/ bump, said he thought we were badly suited, he wasn't in love with me anymore, he had been unhappy for a long time, he wanted to separate. He was in tears every evening and most of the weekend, just desperately trying to spend as little time with me as possible. It was like he completely rewrote our 14 year really happy relationship in his head. I was utterly shell shocked, and in pieces. He didn't end up moving out for entirely practical reasons (couldn't afford two rents).

We're now a year down the line and bump is a five month old bundle of squish. DH is finally getting some counselling and treatment, and is taking baby steps towards getting better. It's been so, so incredibly tough - easily the worst year of my life despite the arrival of my DC, and worse than my parent being diagnosed with a terminal illness, but I can see a small chink of light and I now think there's a possibility our marriage will recover.

Be strong, lean on your family and friends as much as you need to, and be really kind to yourself.

It's awful and you sound like you're doing so so well.

Ps everything that Minion says is very wise. I wish I'd read her posts when I was going through (what I hope were) the worst patches - I had some very dark days

Blueseashore that's fantastic news for you, and I am so glad you see light at the end of the tunnel. It's absolutely impossible to understand unless you have been through it.

It was like he completely rewrote our 14 year really happy relationship in his head. I was utterly shell shocked, and in pieces

This part of your post truly resonated with me. The identical thing happened to me. I felt like I was going mad. How could he be saying these things about our happy marriage? But to him - that was really how he saw it.

Of course it isn't true, but remember some people with depression become so utterly hopeless that they take their own lives. It's hard to imagine it, but they feel that negative and hopeless. It's perhaps easy to understand from that perspective how a depressed individual might feel hopeless about their marriage. Even if it was a good one.

I hope you OP can prepare to hear some of these painful things. Please remember if they don't feel true, they are probably not. they are just simply true to him, right now.

This is actually an opportunity in a way to lean on yourself, and to find out how strong and independent you can really be. It's so important to find positivity in the face of it because in a way that is how you love them through it.

Thank you Minion, it is so good to feel even a tiny bit of positivity about our future after so long! It is very much baby steps at the moment - we are still leading pretty separate lives emotionally and physically and I am having to dig very deep to work through how hurt I have been by the things he has said and done over the last year. We may not get there, but at least I'm more hopeful we will than I was a year ago! Yes yes to feeling like you were going mad. I started to question all my memories and still can't look at photos of us together, including our wedding photos, as I keep thinking - was I an idiot to think we were happy then? Was he pretending all this time? I am so sorry you went through such a similarly awful time, and that the damage was too great to be repaired when your H finally started on the road to recovery. I hope your new relationship brings you much joy.

Sorry to rudely go on about me, OP - just want to show that I think there still is hope for you, and all you can do is look after yourself, don't get dragged into his negativity, and try to get him to seek help. You feel so vulnerable when you're pregnant, and I felt so cheated that he'd ruined what should have been such a magical time - but actually, being pregnant was a blessing. It means you can't crumple but that you have a reason to be strong and as Minion says, look into yourself for your inner steel and peace. It doesn't feel like it now, but you will be a stronger person, and a stronger mother, when you emerge from this nightmare, however it works out.

Thinking of you.

Exactly! I question all my memories. He seemed so happy? Why doesn't he see that? Was he pretending? EXACTLY how it feels. It's absolutely horrible.

I hope, like me, there are times you just cling on to what you know that is true in your heart.

My H is still very unwell. He is out of the bit where he was a suicide risk, but he is completely emotionless most of the time. The times when he does connect to his emotions are very painful for him and he has contacted me and told me he still loves me and that he ruined his life. It doesn't feel good.

My new partner is lovely, but he's not my darling H. No one will ever be him. I think that's why I want to help the OP so much, so she never loses what I lost.

I don't think it's rude to talk about yourself...if OP is anything like I was other people's stories are the only place she will find any kind of solace from it.

You're right, OP needs to find her inner steel. It's a wonderful thing to find.

I had a lifelong phobia of flying. Hadn't been on a plane for 15 years. after i lost my H, my flying phobia went away. Sometimes facing your worst fear takes away all your other fears. There's a kind of strength in that and while it is hard to see at the time there is a sense of deep peace when you discover you can survive and take care of ourself.

Blueskies I would love to hear how your story progresses. Feel free to pm me, I am always so interested

x

I mean blueseashore. Tired!