New here and need advice on divorce or not?!

[Chocolate99]

Hello all, i have lurked on here for past few weeks and wondered if you would care to give your helpful advice on my current situation. married for 6 years together 10 and have a 3 yr old. Husband works in emergency services working 7 different shifts the majority are at night leaving me and little one to our own devices for much of the time as he will be asleep in the day. We only spend a few days together as a family due to his shifts and me working 4 days per week. He never takes time off and even when he is home he is constantly checking works phone, on laptop etc. I have been getting pretty sick of us coming second all the time, spending all our weekends with other people and their families, his family have never looked after our toddler once in 3 years..on top of that the last time we had sex was 4 years ago when little boy was conceived..and was about 3 years before that so i total only had sex handful of times in past 7 years, this is not my choice and as far as i am aware its a stress thing not a physical thing. We have been rowing pretty much every day for about 6 months +, christmas and new year were awful but decidd to stick it out for sake of son but am sick of trying when he is blatantly not. I have been to a solicitor for free consultation to see where i stand but feel paralysed - are the above reasons enough to end a marriage, i am very unhappy and so is he and i am sure our son is picking up on this but am i being selfish and should i stick with it for our son to have the happy childhood i had growi g up? Sorry for long windedness. He has been divdorced before and states categorically that he will not go to relate. I definitely dont think he is having an affair as he is far too lazy for even that! :)

Shift-workers may have higher rates of relationship breakdown, but it doesn't follow that it has to be that way. Plenty of shift-workers, including police officers, manage to hold down happy marriages. They require an understanding partner on the one hand, yes (tick in this case) and the shift-worker to prioritise that understanding partner when they are not at work (big tick missing in this case).

You say you worry about splitting up because you don't want to deprive your DS of the happy childhood you had, but your DS isn't getting the happy childhood you had, is he? He has a uninterested largely absent father, and a frustrated and unhappy mother.

By all means spell it out to your H in terms he can't ignore and work on it. As long as you set some clear boundaries and deadlines this time, I think that's a good idea, as best case scenario is that it works, and worst-case scenario is that if it doesn't and you feel you have to leave, you can do so knowing beyond all doubt that you tried your hardest. That will help a lot in the immediate aftermath.

But please don't ever fall into the trap of thinking that a family in which the parents are together is always better than a single parent family. A broken home is one in which the relationships are causing damage to all members of the family. Quite often leaving is the first step to fixing it.

Best of luck.

I think the shift working is an excuse for his poor behaviour OP. I know lots of people in the emergency services and although they do shifts they still get reasonable time off.

My STBXH has never has the children overnight so don't assume that your H will want 50:50 or even more. However the children I know who do 50:50 seem very stable. It all comes down to how both parents behave and putting the children first.

I think your marriage sounds very lonely. I bet you will feel 100% better without him. Keep going with the solicitor. Have you asked your h to move out? The advice on here is always for the mother not to move out (unless Dv of course).

thanks pounding, i have said to myself that the definition of insanity is repeatedly doing the same things and expecting a different outcome, i know in my heart that things havent been right for a long time and zero sex for 4 years since son conceived is also a factor, his choice not mine. On top of all the absent father and other nasty stuff, i dont think we will ever get the intimacy back, whatever he promises. He says everyone else in the police manages and its just me that has the problem?! He clearly doesnt listen to me or value my family priorities over work and money. And yes i have been feelin i need to stay for our son but we are both miserable and i dont want him to see this as the norm. I understand that while he is a toddler it isnt ideal but when he grows up it wont be either, then you hit puberty, gcses, university so at what point is ideal?! He seesm to think he is indispensable at work and is the BIG I AM at home too so i dont see any improvement coming... X thanks so much for your wise words ladies

Apologies, thanks also to you itwillgetbettersoon x there is no way he will move it, he is quite terratorial when he wants to be. Dknt want to stay if he does so may look at renting but would rather keep son in own environment with me if at all possible but suspect he is not taking me seriously ay this point and may move out when he realises it is full steam ahead

I wouldn't move out. Keep your DS in his home and H can move out if he wants to.

Plus I wouldn't discount OW on shift- not unless you have seen the evidence of overtime.

he is so lazy he opens a cupboard and cant be arsed to close the door, unless the woman has a pizza for a head and alloys for feet i can assure you he would not be interested! I wish that were the case as would be easier all round really for me :)

It doesn't sound like there is anything salvageable about this marriage.

My "special man" is a chief inspector, been in the force over 30 years. I've just relayed to him the shift work theory, i got a very quick "utterly ridiculous". It is true that there is a higher marriage failure rate in the cops, but there are miriad reasons for this, and yes, extramarital affairs also rife. So i'd be very surprised if you don't discover more details, sorry x

Chocolate can I just say well done for going to see a solicitor. It is hard to make the first step, I've been there and it is a very big deal to go and see a stranger and tell them your marriage is over and the future you imagined is not going to be. I've also been there in terms of having had the talk, and been told I can move out etc etc. The stalemate that then ensues is horrible but just keep focused on what you want. You will get there in the end, and there will be plenty of people on here to support you.

He has just texted from work to say he doesnt want to split up, loves me etc. Makes me feel more guilty! I genuinely genuinely and not naively do t think for a minute he is having an affair, he has always been extremely work focussed, his best mate is exactly the same, they are both more likely to have an affair with each other than put effort into an extra relationship! I would welcome an affair as that would be my get out clause right there! :) going to solicitor was a relief as i could then see that there was light at the end of the tunnel and that financially it was not as bad as i thought, agree need to focus on me and my son, but its toing to be hard if he still lives here..thanks very mych weatherall, wallaby and springy! X

"they are both more likely to have an affair with each other"

You never know, though...

Ha ha very true! I am giving hime one more opportunity before i proceed with a clear conscience, have asked him if he is willing to do relate/mediation. If he says no, that is the final straw and i can go ahead knowing at least i have tried every option. He has texted me asking if there is someone else, when on earth would i find the time?!

You say you are very tenacious Choc, well put that tenacity into getting a life for yourself and your little un. Despite the miserable existence you're living at present, you still seem to have a great sense of humour and fun. You deserve so much more than you're getting sweetie. Get rid of the ball and chain, and get out there. I'll bet you won't be alone for long!

gracias Ladyofspain! Thats very sweet of you and agreed my little one does deserve a happy mum and dad whether they be together or not. He has agreed, albeit grudgingly to relate/mediation and i am taking it as the olive branch it is. Should it not come to fruition then needless to say I will take it on the chin and be spending £410 on a divorce petition forthwith...love you ladies for your support, it is like a virtual hug and hot choc together xx

Well after taking the offer of trying again. Some three weeks later i find myself back to square one. I said i would be happy to try, proviiding he agreed to relate, made an effort in arranging time for just the two of us and also asked his gamily to look after our son as they have not looked after him once. I got dates, times and orices on relate passed them to him, - he said he could not afford it (has just bought a third brand new car..) i booked son into extra days at nusery so that we could take time off and go out fo the day, to which he replied that he needed to work on car number 2 for its mot, i asked him if he had contacted his family to see if they could spend any time with our son, he sid we needed to sit down and siscuss a date?! Then he left it til this weekend and surprise with it being a bank holiday they already had plans. I am a bit disappointed that the three things i smtipulated have not happened. Graneted he has made some effort around e house - he even opened blinds and curtains this week - novelty :). Today we were going out for the day and i mentioned we would be passing the recycling centre so could take it with us, when he was putting it in the car i asked did he have everything, this led to him saying i could do it myself and he stropped back into the house leaving poor son wondering why daddy was no longer coming out with us. On our return he is not speaking to me. Feel like calling the solicitor in the morning and instructing her to get the ball rolling re the divorce petition - what would you ladies do? Feel like i have given it a go but cannot do his share for him any longer, feel completely in limbo and trapped in all honesty.

Oh sweetie, this is no way to live. You have given him a last chance and he has barely lifted a finger. He has shown you what his priorities are, and it's not you or your DS. I'm so sorry. Time to move on and speak to that solicitor, you'll feel so much better for taking the first steps to a happier future for you and your DS. Best of luck

The feeling trapped and in limbo is probably because you are waiting for him to do something. You'll be waiting for ever at this rate.

Sounds cheesy but you are the master of your own destiny. You can change this situation for a happy bright future for you and your DS.

Oh wow Vex, you have just hit me with my own knowledge - i always say you are in control of your own destiny - talk about needing to take my own advice ha ha:) . Thanks so much for the support and wise words, i think that is why i feel a bit lost, feel like i am not in control at the moment as being dictated by his actions and non actions - agree its time to take this bull by the horns, will check solicitors availability tomorrow and see how we proceed. Good job i have been saving my pennies but had hoped to spend them on something a little nicer :(

Good luck, stay strong

Choose your solicitor by recommendation and ask if they do fixed fee deals. There will be the separate issues of the dissolution of the marriage and the financial / child issues plus the actual fees payable to the courts.

No sex for four years would be enough for me to call time. From what you have written he appears to have no intentions of trying, move on, find someone who will actually want to be in a team with you.

yes Jan we used to be a team but not anymore. The no sex thing has recently become more important to me than it has the past 6 years and don't want a sec free life in mid 30s for possibly the rest of my life! I have filled in my tax credits form and booked an apt for Friday with recommended solicitor, to see how to progress. really need to sit down and tell him but as usual he is at work whenever me and son are home. Really want us two to move out as there is no way he is going to but not sure if my salary is too low for the credit checks/minimum salary at estate agents as would be looking at about £750 monthly rental and after tax and childcare vouchers I bring in £1200 per month. obviously nothing set for maintenance as yet, think that will be a long way off..

All you seem to be doing is sharing a house, without sex I wouldn't call it a relationship. If you are mid 30s then you are still young enough to meet someone else and actually have a fulfilling sex life, I'm much older than you and I still do, it's normal!

Yes it does seem like the worst house share ever ;) no sex and far too much tidying/ cleaning to do for my liking! I am not even sure it is a friendship anymore i feel that sidelined and disrespected by him...hopefully will all be better a year crom now, fingers crossed! Thank you so much for your support Jan xx

when I say anything he says well if you didn't want a kid you shouldn't have had one
Who talks of his own DS like he's an exercise bike or juicer you wanted to buy on a sudden whim?

He sounds a dull dog and he had a golden opportunity to put things right last month. I'm sorry but he just can't help himself. Well, could but chooses not to.

As for the question of moving out it is a lot of upheaval and added expense. If you can bear it why rush to make yourself homeless? H is hardly ever home when you two are, you said so yourself.