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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can't get over (my) affair. Please help.

64 replies

girlplease · 14/04/2014 12:36

Oh god. I was an OW for a long time when me and MM decided to make a go of it. We made all the plans then he backed out ON THE DAY, and decided after i'd ended my marriage, to save his. (I have no dc, ex-h now loving life - very happy for him.) That was almost a year ago. Until one month ago me and MM were still in non sexual contact, but now he's cut off. He must mean business as he didn't contact me on a very important and painful anniversary for us both whereas before he would message me for any given excuse.

I am trying but I can't fucking do it. I am exhausted with how it turned out. I'm lonely and sad and so alone. I have read the advice on here, read the self help books. I am busying myself to the point of exhaustion with new hobbies, new friends, socialising, getting OUT THERE. I've taken on two other jobs alongside full time work to occupy my thoughts. It's just not working. I feel so hurt and moreover, fucking pathetic that i'm wasting more energy on romanticising this wanker.

This weekend, I know that his dw is away and I genuinely want to get in touch, meet him, rationalise, see what the fuck is going on. Why he did this. I've had no explanation. Mutual friends say he is really happy, never mentions me and seems great. This infuriates me so much that I haven't moved on one tiny bit.

Where do I go from here?

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 15/04/2014 10:37

Yes. If you genuinely did not want contact with you and he tried to force contact, that is stalkerish.

Original poster

girlplease · 15/04/2014 10:56

I think it's safe to say neither of us have or are stalking each other. It's just the painful inability to let go of a relationship that i'm sure many people go through.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 15/04/2014 11:04

There is a difference between going through the pain and trying to keep in contact against one of the person's wishes.

He has asked for no contact. That's it. It's over. It's only been a month.

You have to let go because you have no other choice.

Original poster

girlplease · 15/04/2014 11:09

I am not trying to keep in contact against his wishes. I have left him well alone. I wish he had afforded me the same courtesy when I have tried to move on this past year, only to receive an 'I miss you' or 'I've made the wrong decision' message every few weeks. Please don't march me over the coals for having a wobble this week or for wanting an explanation. I'm trying. It doesn't make me a stalker, just an idiot.

OP posts:

Fairenuff · 15/04/2014 11:18

I wish he had afforded me the same courtesy when I have tried to move on this past year, only to receive an 'I miss you' or 'I've made the wrong decision' message every few weeks.

So you know what it would be like for him to be on the receiving end of this crap. You asked how to get over him. The answer is no contact. What else do you expect anyone to say, there is no other way.

NormalBloke · 15/04/2014 11:50

www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/470829-all-new-2014-no-contact-guide

Girl have a read of this .... A really good no contact guide imho

Print it off and read it every single day

silkknickers · 15/04/2014 12:00

It took me about three years to finally get over the MM with whom I had an affair.
It's bloody hard and painful, but you WILL get there, my love. Just don't contact him and focus on YOU now.

piratecat · 15/04/2014 13:36

he's done you a favour, because he's not the ideal man for you.

he'd be with you if it was meant to be. so that leaves you free to carry on and live a better life.

Stinkypinky73 · 15/04/2014 19:06

Girl I was quite lucky in that I met my now-husband at a critical time...the affair was stuttering along and I felt horrible and shameful and wanted to leave him but didn't believe for one second I had the strength. But I was blown away with this new man I met (my husband now)....after just a few days of knowing him, not even dating, I found my mind was on him quite a bit and that he made me feel so good, when the other man just made me feel grubby and used.

So I abruptly and completely out of the blue ended it after receiving one of his tiresome late night texts (he would just say 'hi' then wait for me to jump in and stroke his ego)...I told him that I met a great guy who I was interested in, our affair was over and he was not to contact me again. I changed my contact emails, my phone....everything so he had no way of reaching me. I even changed jobs.

MAN it felt good!! It felt so good to leave that man behind...that man I had been obsessed with but did not love. Obsession is never love. I NEVER thought I could do it, but once I saw him for what he was, saw my life for how it was at that time, and envisioned a better future for myself with a man who is 100% into me and ONLY me, then I had it in me to do it. After that initial euphoria, I did miss him a lot, and he stayed on my mind...always there in the background.

But it was one of the best things I ever did. As I began to move on, my now husband and I began seeing more of each other, and we fell in love. Girl, go no contact. It will be so hard at first, and it will take you anything from 18 months onwards to truly start to move on, but you will move on, and you will look back at this man and think 'WHERE was my mind'??!! You can do it.

andyfromotley · 16/04/2014 01:38

hmmm,

you had an affair and were quite prepared to potentially subject your x husband and his wife to the sort of abject misery and pain that you now feel. (although theirs may well have been worse as they didn't cause the situation, you and he did) it didn't work out the way you pretty cold heartedly planned and now your the one left with the pain.
I suspect that if you had got your way you'd be on here posting about how intolerably your/his ex were behaving.
What is the point of your post? sympathy? understanding? I suspect that if you had got your way you'd be on here posting about how intolerably your/his ex were behaving.
Sorry but i don't think you deserve either. Stop whinging, the pain will probably ease eventually. Don't have affairs.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/04/2014 12:21

You have NO idea how OP would have posted, andyfrommotley. You have no business telling OP to 'stop whinging'. Your post is horrible and pointless, quite frankly.

andyfromotley · 16/04/2014 12:42

Well thats a point of view witch, I believe i have every business, she posted on here, sorry if it doesn't fit with all the 'there there poor you' responses. But hey ho. ( I'm taking a wild guess that a fair few of those responders also post in the 'help my DH is having an affair' threads saying 'what a bastard!)

The op displays self pity and an incredible amount of narcism, she is INFURIATED that he is happy and has moved on. Jesus.

She has been the author of her own misfortune which is of course sad, but seeing as she was perfectly happy to be the author of others misfortune i'll save my sympathy for others. Thanks for your feedback though.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 16/04/2014 12:47

Nobody is condoning affairs. OP came here in pain and for support. Plenty of us have been cheated on and don't need to slam into somebody when they're down.

If you don't have the grace to try to help or support somebody in pain then you don't.

None of us has the right to tell any poster to 'shut up' though. HTH

andyfromotley · 16/04/2014 12:52

Its a good job i didn't tell anyone to shut up then.

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