Can't get over (my) affair. Please help.

[girlplease]

Oh god. I was an OW for a long time when me and MM decided to make a go of it. We made all the plans then he backed out ON THE DAY, and decided after i'd ended my marriage, to save his. (I have no dc, ex-h now loving life - very happy for him.) That was almost a year ago. Until one month ago me and MM were still in non sexual contact, but now he's cut off. He must mean business as he didn't contact me on a very important and painful anniversary for us both whereas before he would message me for any given excuse.

I am trying but I can't fucking do it. I am exhausted with how it turned out. I'm lonely and sad and so alone. I have read the advice on here, read the self help books. I am busying myself to the point of exhaustion with new hobbies, new friends, socialising, getting OUT THERE. I've taken on two other jobs alongside full time work to occupy my thoughts. It's just not working. I feel so hurt and moreover, fucking pathetic that i'm wasting more energy on romanticising this wanker.

This weekend, I know that his dw is away and I genuinely want to get in touch, meet him, rationalise, see what the fuck is going on. Why he did this. I've had no explanation. Mutual friends say he is really happy, never mentions me and seems great. This infuriates me so much that I haven't moved on one tiny bit.

Where do I go from here?

Thanks for posting NormalBloke. I know you are right. Hope you're okay. Keep going. Sounds like you're doing great.

MM did precede his 'blackout' saying it's the best thing for ME for us to go NC, to allow ME to move on. Whilst I appreciate the sentiment, I feel like I've given him 11 months to 'wean' off me while he gets his marriage back on track and keeps me on the backfoot. It is also completely out of character for him to put my best interests at heart so feels a disingenuous move. Plus, I felt it's put me in the position of the one clinging on, when I'm the one whose puts the brave face on and it has been him messaging how much he misses me all year. Such a state.

Are you sure it was all about him being "weaned off you" the alternative is that he kept you dangling believing him that he missed you, and giving you just enough hope, so that you wouldn't make waves for him and his wife.

Oh there were plenty of waves Mini

But no i'm not sure why he stayed in touch so long - i'm just guessing.

Wasn't there any point over the last 11 months of what had become a non-face to face affair where you thought that it might be best to give up hope and move on?

He stayed in touch because he's a prize twat and wanted to keep you dangling.

I think you should get together with NormalBloke

Ha ha! tall Funny! but yes he sounds nice

Yes Mini - I didn't even think at the time that staying in contact was an issue. I was worried about him, I wanted to check he was alright, he was having a terrible time, as was i but I didn't mention that to him. I thought I was helping him. I realise I was being selfish and now I am at square one. Of course I thought it best to give up hope but I wish someone would alert my brain to that fact.

I suspect he stayed in touch because he is manipulative, and it fed his ego to keep you on a string.

You are feeling rejected because he has (finally) rejected you.

What you need to work out is why you remained hung up on someone who has treated you so badly. And why you chose a married man. I guess you self esteem has been at rock bottom from just before the affair began. There are probably many things you'll needto examine, so you can dump you personal baggage and make better choices in future.

I've tried to work it out Edith. I've really tried. I guess if I don't know now after shitloads of counselling it's going to remain a mystery.

No, never ever give in and say "it's a mystery". You deserve better than that.

And it might take some time, it's only been a month since he stopped messing round and you have had to face up to it all. Stick with it. Do not give in to despair.

Truism warning: you cannot change the past, but you can form your future. Do not give up now.

I am in a very, very similar situation. Met a man in September who utterly swept me off my feet. I really thought it was the real thing- enjoying each other's company, texting/phoning every day, loads of shared interests and experience, outrageously brilliant sex- but in November he told me he had a long-term (non co-habiting) partner, and also that he was essentially stepfather to her two adult daughters (both of whom I vaguely know).

I was repulsed, but I loved him, I believed very strongly in the connection between us and although he deliberately never made any promises outright I thought he would eventually leave. He turned into a controlling, manipulative, abusive arsehole and even then I only managed to garner the strength to distance myself from him after he physically threatened me a few months ago.

I still have occasional professional contact with him (he's my boss, although a distant one, and yes I am that cliche) and find it incredibly difficult not to keep texting him. Especially since not being the centre of my attention now means he keeps trying to wind me up. I'm just waiting for work to get seriously nasty- fortunately I'm a contractor so I can leave although I'd rather not, and I have an ally there who is senior to him and has promised support if I ever need it. However, the fact that he's happily getting on with his perfect comfortable life while I feel like mine is in ruins makes me LIVID. I am broken hearted and questioning everything about what I thought I wanted in life, and all because of this tosser.

Talking it through with someone who also knows him helped me. I know I was lucky to have been met with support rather than condemnation, but it made me really let go of the idea that it was going to work out between us. I still think of him all the time, but when I want to text him instead of thinking general "he's a twat" thoughts I think about specific small things that force me to accept he never cared. Funnily enough, the most effective one is not the violence but the fact that he couldn't even be bothered to send me a Christmas card. And I use my colleague's advice as a sort of mantra: "stay strong and try to use logic over emotion". Every second I manage not to text him feels like an eternity, but it's been a month now. Things are slowly getting easier.

I had a lucky escape, as I suspect did you. Better times ahead.

He could be having an affair with someone else. The ONLY thing to do is go no contact. I was in your position a few years ago...I was obsessed (absolutely, completely obsessed to the point I felt I could not live without seeing this man, hearing from him, talking about him...) with a man I worked with who lived with his girlfriend. We had a long affair (to my shame).

In the end, it was ME who ended it when I met my now husband. When I met him, he was so good and loving and steady that he showed my fling up for what he was - sneaky and uncaring and a walking ego. Now I just think of him from time to time - usually about what a lucky escape I had in getting that idiot out of my life.

You WILL get there...but the only way is to go no contact.

^^ And also if someone had told me six years ago that I should go no contact with this man, I would have been ADAMANT I couldn't so it....it was like he was as vital to me as oxygen or water. But there is no other way. If you want to get over this man, you HAVE to delete him (his contact details etc.) from your life and NOT contact him.

One month is no time at all to feel over a relationship, as an ow or whatever!

You need to give it time.

The mm has possibly met another ow who is taking up his time you know. That would explain the 11 months of scraps suddenly stopping. But I don't think that matters. You just need time.

Girl I am not doing ok to be honest
At the weekend my little boy refused to come and see me and I was devastated.

I miss my wife and family soooo much I am just a walking zombie it ain't easy at all, but I just have to bash on somehow...take it a day at a time

Oh what I would give to be happy again

No absolutely no way in a zillion years make any kind of contact.......it won't make u feel any better I guarantee you it could make u a lot worse....

The facts are that if he wanted you he would have left his wife and be sitting in your house right this bloody minute.

He HAS made his choice end of!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been rumbling on for ages with him throwing poor girl a few breadcrumbs now and then

DO NOT GO BACK you will regret it

You truly are worth more than that

Thanks NB. You too.

Driveway - it's been 11 months since it ended though, the rest of the time has just been the fallout, his marriage wreck, undecided miss you messages but the whole while that has been going on i've taken it as over and been trying to distance and get on with life. So i'm further down the line than that but it feels as raw as yesterday.

It pains me that I asked him on numerous occasions to stop contacting me when I then had a chance to salvage this with my own husband but he persisted and I caved again and again. Yet now he can do it easy.

I would like to at the least send him a message, tell him the truth and how he has made me feel - he hasn't got a clue of the gravity of the situation I am in and whenever he has contacted me it is his problems and me who ends up apologising because he feels guilty and miserable.

I no longer think I will contact him at the weekend as I am coming round to the idea that it is a really desperate act and have all your input to thank for that - so THANK YOU.

Stinkypinky - how long did it take??

A wise friend once told me that every time you have contact with an ex, you basically start the healing process all over again. So although your affair has been over for 11 months, each time he contacted you, it basically reset the timer on getting over it. So try to think of your healing as starting from when he went NC.

I had an ex who messed me around for 5 years... Would get in touch then treat me like shit and then a couple of months later get in touch again etc. In the end, I changed my number and put an auto-response on my work email that made it look like I'd left the company if he emailed me. Took me 18 months or so of total NC to get over it completely but much quicker than that to start enjoying life again.

You should leave him alone now. That is what he has asked for, anything else would be stalkerish. And embarrassing for you OP.

I agree Faire, embarrassing but stalkerish is a bit much - has he been stalking me for the past year when I asked him numerous times to leave me alone and work on his marriage?