Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How much power do inlaws actually have?

30 replies

womblesofwestminster · 13/04/2014 19:52

I know this is a subjective question, but do inlaws have power to influence the outcome of a relationship, and if so, how much power?

I'm trying to figure out what is healthy.

OP posts:
eurochick · 13/04/2014 19:55

As much as the couple let them have.

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 13/04/2014 19:56

eurochick elaborate please.

OP posts:
DirtySkirtings · 13/04/2014 19:58

They shouldn't have any.

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 13/04/2014 19:59

If only one set of inlaws is causing a problem, it's not really a 'couple' decision is it? If anything, it's the decision of the person the inlaws are related to. How much credence should this person give to the opinions of their family?

OP posts:
IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 13/04/2014 19:59

What eurochick said

No one can have power over your relationship unless you hand them that power. I adore my mum, I'd do almost anything for her but hell would freeze over before she came between me and my DH

winkywinkola · 13/04/2014 20:01

Well, they have power if like anyone, they can divide and conquer for their own ends.

They would have to be gits to want to exploit an ununited couple.

If the couple are very much together in the face if interference then they have no power.

Expand please op.

Lweji · 13/04/2014 20:03

It is very much how the partner who's related deals with it, but also the other. Sometimes the DIL or the SIL can make things worse.

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 13/04/2014 20:06

but hell would freeze over before she came between me and my DH

Blood is thicker than water?

OP posts:
Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 13/04/2014 20:07

Sometimes the DIL or the SIL can make things worse.

Can you give some examples?

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/04/2014 20:08

"How much credence should this person give to the opinions of their family?"

How long is a piece of string? Hmm Perhaps it would be easier to answer this if you were being less oblique? I take it the in-laws being unreasonable and having too much credence given to their opinions are his?

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 13/04/2014 20:12

Sorry for being obtuse CogitoErgoSometimes. I'll rephrase the Q:

When the inlaws dislike their DC's spouse. What should the DC do?

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/04/2014 20:13

Some people see slights where there are none, or can be argumentative, or just won't let little things go.

It depends.

Do you actually have a problem?

Mrsrochesterscat · 13/04/2014 20:13

As an adult, I would completely ignore any other's opinion on my DP. It being my relationship, not theirs...

Lweji · 13/04/2014 20:14

When the inlaws dislike their DC's spouse. What should the DC do?

Why do they dislike the spouse?

I don't think there's much that can be done. It depends on how that dislike is shown.

HenI5 · 13/04/2014 20:15

For me blood equals family. Some family are the ones you're given and some are the ones you choose and forge for yourself.

It sounds as though despite the fact the op is a question about the power of inlaws, it smacks much more of a question about one partner's attitude to the other party versus the partner's relationship with their parents and family.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 13/04/2014 20:17

In the first instance, and assuming these are reasonable, loving, normal parents, I'd say... 'listen to what they have to say'. Parents usually look out for their kids and, if they don't like someone, there may be a good reason why. OTOH if the parents have a track record of being malicious types that like to cause trouble and don't want their children to be happy, then the DC should factor that in.

In all cases the person with the disliked spouse should make up their own mind what to actually do, of course.

Original poster
womblesofwestminster · 13/04/2014 20:23

Do you actually have a problem?

Yes, my inlaws hate me, and I'm exhausted with it but I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Lweji · 13/04/2014 20:24

How do you know they hate you and how do they show it?
How are they causing problems in your relationship?

Bogeyface · 13/04/2014 20:25

So your PIL hate you and your DH doesnt defend you and takes their side?

Bogeyface · 13/04/2014 20:26

Yes, my inlaws hate me, and I'm exhausted with it but I don't know what to do.

Why didnt you just say that at the start?!

What is your husbands reaction to this?

Fairenuff · 13/04/2014 20:27

OP you need to explain the actual problem(s) because a lot depends on circumstance. If you are physically, emotionally or abusing your dp, then, yes, they are right to have a problem with you.

If not, then maybe not...

Fairenuff · 13/04/2014 20:28

*that should be physically, emotionally or mentally abusing...

ShoeWhore · 13/04/2014 20:34

Hmm well my inlaws pretty much hate me but it doesn't matter all that much because (a) dh loves me and doesn't give a stuff what they think and (b) we have become quite adept at handling their little tantrums.

It only works because dh and I are in absolute agreement on it all though.

I don't see them very often, which helps enormously!

SimLondon · 13/04/2014 20:34

It might depend on the culture as well

ShoeWhore · 13/04/2014 20:35

To answer your original question then I'd say they only have as much power as their dc (and you) let them have.

Swipe left for the next trending thread