How much power do inlaws actually have?

[womblesofwestminster]

I know this is a subjective question, but do inlaws have power to influence the outcome of a relationship, and if so, how much power?

I'm trying to figure out what is healthy.

Wombles, I think I read some of your previous thread - you were the woman whose ILs were making disparaging remarks about you being a SAHM, & who was debating "having it out" with MIL. Is that right? And did you, out of interest?

From what I remember the big problem seemed to be that your DH wasn't supporting you. In fact, there was some suggestion that he was possibly moaning to his parents, & had certainly asked for their financial help.

So to link that with your thread title, in a case where a DH is prepared to criticise his partner to his parents, doesn't support her when they're being rude, & goes rushing to his parents when he has problems - including financial ones - then I guess the ILs do then have some power in the relationship.

But it's power that they've been given by their son. If things were okay between the two of you, they wouldn't have that power.

It seemed in the other thread that you'd become almost fixated on your ILs' attitudes to you & were desperate to convince them of the error of their ways, despite loads of posters pointing out that the problems are with your DH. I suspect it's the same here.

I know that's probably not helpful, & I'm sorry, but you need to sort things out with your DH. And if he doesn't put you & your marriage first, then you need to evaluate that situation & decide if it's tolerable to you. It wouldn't be to me.

What Loonvan said. If this is the same OP, your issue is with your husband but you prefer to focus on sorting out your inlaws.

They have as much power as you give them. You're giving them loads by massively over reacting to their words and actions, if you are the same poster. Apologies if you aren't, although usually it does end up being the DH who is the one at fault.

My mum's in-laws hated her. Ultimately it was not an issue in her marriage because my dad assessed whether or not they had a point, decided they didn't and told them to fuck off - once in those words.

This was transformative for the marriage as my mum knew they were a team. However it came at a cost to my dad as he realised that his parents didn't actually care about him that much and just wanted him to step in to line. Also that they preferred his siblings. My mum needed to support him a lot - and then he realised they were a team too.

But it would probably have been much easier emotionally for my dad to listen to his parents, drive my mum away and conclude she was a bitch just like they said.

So answering your question - you have a husband problem but if his parents are really dysfunctional it is not easy for him to see what others see - he's been brought up by them, effectively it's like been living in a cult.

From a quick look at another thread, you followed a conversation your OH had with your MIL by asking her directly what she meant by saying you should get a job.
That's you giving her power in your relationship. It's what your OH thought about it that should have mattered.
You just ignore those comments, unless they are made to your face.

And I wouldn't be asking them for loans. Another way of giving them power in a relationship.

My inlaws hate me but luckily my DP isn't under their spell and can see that they're a bit unhinged. They tried making it hard for us to be together, live together, marry etc and we didn't let them. We haven't cut them off, we gave them the options to be involved and have a place in our family and to help plan our wedding and they ended up looking like the twats they are to all our family and friends

They have as much control as you allow them to have, really. We are moving away soon and they're too up themselves and lazy to visit us and we won't be bothering with them since they hate me, so it'll be done with soon and they won't matter. DP won't pine for them or miss them as they were never good parents to him.

I think it's often harder if you have an overbearing MIL or FIL and a DH who idolises mummy and daddy and had this wonderful childhood. Chances are they'll still hate you for stealing their son from them but he won't see them as doing any wrong and you'll be expected to be grateful for all the things they do on the sly, like cleaning your house because you don't do it right, or cooking dinner because 'DH loves his mums cooking and I can see he hasn't been eating right!' I know that situation would make me more angry as there's no real escape other than ending the relationship!