I am very lazy and unfocused

[Lookingforfocus]

Just that. I have NCed and wanted to post here as the crowd in relationships seem open to problem solving.

I don't know why but I am getting virtually nothing done and I've been like this for a while. I am not living in the UK do not speak the local language and so don't work outside the home. I like living here. We have three kids ages 13-7. I am absolutely crap at giving myself structure and getting things accomplished at the moment. I am not depressed but I seem to have no focus or motivation. My house is dirty and untidy (and I have a great DH who really does his share). I have good intentions to do lots of things that don't happen. I have lots of friends, locals and expats and my DH is always telling me how much he loves me.

As an example I been awake for 7 hours and I am still in my dressing gown. DH took the kids out shopping. I waste time reading and doing nothing else. How do I sort myself out? This post is guilting me so I will have a bath and wash my hair and try and get some housework done (I did clean a loo today!) and check back.

Join Flylady. It will sort you out.

It took me a while but it helped me get over my lazy mentality and get a little organised.

If you are unfocused it gives you jobs to do every day and you just need to stick to doing them and you will gradually get there, without too much effort. And CHANGE your habits while you are at it.

I know about Flylady and she doesn't motivate me much at the moment. I got Kim and Aggies book recently. It's not just the cleaning it's the feeling that I lack structure generally. I give structure to the kids day as best I can, I wake up around 5:45-6:00 and leave the house at 7:20.

At least I am clean now - wil dry my hair and get dressed.

I have good intentions to do lots of things that don't happen. I have lots of friends, locals and expats and my DH is always telling me how much he loves me.

I forget who said it but a wise (wo)man once said,

"The grand essentials of happiness are:
something to do, something to love and something to hope for.”

It sounds like everything's going your way.

Sometimes when our future is a bit of a blank canvas we feel as if we're in a sort of limbo. You made the leap to relocate, you have a loving family and you're not lonely; life is going on around you but you sound as if you're stuck in limbo now. Could it be something to do with your metabolism or a different health issue?

Thanks Donkeys, I don't think it is health. I feel OK and I did have anemia a few years ago and I don't think feel like I did then - not remotely. I have an unusual background as both my parents died when I was a teenager and so I always feel like I am "creating" my life from the ground up with no advice or role models. My dad was bipolar and I remember him as very depressed and sitting around the house for days and days except to go to the pub after my mum died. I don't think I'm bipolar (I am very stoic) but I do think to myself - look at me I'm just sitting around like my dad why can't I use my time instead of being in the limbo state you describe.

Do you 'lose' hours, Looking?

I am not medical but this doesn't sound like homesickness or simple apathy.

I was going ask how long since you arrived in the country, do you like your surroundings, were you able to bring over material things? I haven't been in an ex-pat situation myself but a friend said she spent a long time excitedly anticipating the move and it felt rather flat once the "It's like being on holiday" sensation wore off. But I get the sense you have settled in and you say yourself you like where you are.

Thinking about it there must be several factors in identifying depression, I know you have opened by saying I am not depressed, unless you have seen a doctor lately how can you be sure...?.

You have to decide to get organised. And it does sound like you may have depression.

For me, I make sure I write down things I am happy about, things I am unhappy about and what I'm going to do about them. Then every day I set myself a check list of what I am going to do, when i'm going do it.. and there's no getting around this - I get it done.

Start off by just committing to one thing you will do a day - when your going to do it, by what time and remind yourself why you are doing it.

But you have to make a decision to start today. Not tomorrow, not in 5 minutes. Now.

You will be proud of me guys I am helping one of my DC do a big sort out of her room as we are moving soon. We already have a substantial couple of boxes for donation as well as bags for recycling and trash.

I really don't think I am depressed as I know what that is like, I feel I have been lacking motivation and purpose. Our house is also too bloody big right now and can be overwhelming. I want to jettison as much crap as possible before we move. My domestic skills are pretty rubbish.

Donkeys sorry I forgot to say I have not lived in the UK for 18 years. We have been in our current location/country for a while, it's not a recent move. I am not new to living internationally. It's unlikely I'll ever live in the UK unless we retire there. DH is not a Brit.

Good work OP :) Now make an action plan as to what you are going to do to sort the situation out. Break it into smaller tasks - or easy wins - that you can do instead of thinking of it as one big, ball breaking task. You can do it.

Looking, I can really identify with your post. I do have a job, very busy and demanding job but I have just had a week's holiday and got virtually nothing done. I struggle to get dressed by noon, make no effort with hobbies and minimal housework effort. I annoy myself. If I were an animal I'd be a sloth.

Thanks plinkyplonks! Do you have any good tips to give myself a kick up my own arse?

If Fly Lady doesn't work for you, and you don't get offended by swearing, you might like Unfuck Your Habitat. Its argument is basically that look, these are your surroundings, and you deserve nice surroundings. Fly Lady was a bit too twee for me but UfYH really got me off my chair and I have thoroughly unfucked my garden in the last week for the first time in seven years. It looks ace now.

It isn't just a housework website: it's a good read in terms of understanding mental slumps. It has a section on why 'marathoning' is bad (you know, when you get on one and have three cups of coffee and then blitz the whole house) that really helped me. I'm an all-or-nothing person, and the trouble with that, I now realise, is that when it isn't 'all' it's 'nothing' and 'nothing' ends up being most of the time.

I can really relate to you. I need purpose and motivation too and find it too easy not to have either. I am slowly unfucking that, though.

MyDH I'm not working outside the house and my youngest is 7. So no idea what excuse I can muster except like you I am related to a sloth. (I can understand having a relaxing week from work which makes sense). I went to the doctor here about a year ago because I was extremely tired and thought my anemia was back. After the blood tests came back fine he talked to me a bit and then said he thought I was "bored out" instead of "burned out"! He claimed not having enough stimulation is just as toxic. However, soon after we went through about 6-8 months thinking we might be relocating to another country so I felt unable to plan anything. Now we know we are staying for a few more years but we had to find another place to rent.

I have been feeling scattered and in limbo for a while I suppose.

Boise what is your personality like? Do you find it easier to get things done with around others? Or if someone is coming over do you suddenly find the motivation? I have always done really well when working outside the house but when in charge of my own schedule completely I am actually quite crap.

I know it seems reasonable to have some down time but I waste my time off and it really annoys me. I could be doing things now to make my life easier when I'm back at work, but I don't!

Can't remember if you said but do you have any hobbies or something you get passionate about?

I have not lived in the UK for 18 years. We have been in our current location/country for a while, it's not a recent move
I wasn't sure OP so thanks for clarifying.

we went through about 6-8 months thinking we might be relocating to another country so I felt unable to plan anything.

I may be barking up the wrong tree but it sounds unsettling.

Maybe now you know that time in your present home is limited you are looking ahead and have mentally detached. I am not saying you are like a coiled spring ready to leap into action but today's activities don't appear to be someone taking a back seat.

Would you be considering a job outside the home if a visa permits you?

I love getting things done with other people. I find things like Sunday lunch quite boring, but I LOVE it when we have a DIY project, and a friend over to help, and we all muck in together. That means far more to me than just sitting around saying oh what a lovely leg of lamb this is. (Although, now I have kids and so do our friends, I quite like Sunday lunches because I sneak off to make things with the kids.)

I'm good at working for other people, too. I was a really hard and organised worker in my last office job, and now I do freelance work from home and I will sit up until 04:00 and slog my guts out to beat deadlines by as many hours as I can.

Working for myself is harder, though. That's why I like the Unfuck theory that you deserve to live in a nice place and in an organised way.

If we have people coming over, I start blitzing the place three days in advance. I'm largely introverted, in that I like being on my own and like peace and quiet, but nice times and things mean more to me if I can share them with other people. I'm an altruistic introvert.

We try to make sure we invite people over at least every few weeks. It stops the house from turning into a landfill site.

What Donkeys said: Maybe now you know that time in your present home is limited you are looking ahead and have mentally detached. That would do it for me. I'd find it hard to apply myself fully to a temporary situation.

Well I suppose to be fair to myself we only signed our new lease this week and I was finding it very hard before we had signed. Being single would have been fine but when you're a family of 5 and you don't know where you will be living it is unnerving. We also wanted to buy but just have not found anything in the short time we had before we needed to move out.

By nature I am a decision maker and not a second guesser but I feel like I am so passive at the moment. I'm not sure what my self-identity is. My identity seems so related to others.

I do have some fantastic friends and went out for a meal Thursday night with three of them. I am not a bullshitter and have found some great non-BS comrades.

Maybe just concentrate on the move for now - that would be enough to put me into a panic.

I am rubbish at housework and routines - have 4 kids - perfer to read a book -- so now I have just lowered my expectaions - and then I blitz it every now and then (which is exhausting - so is probabaly why I avoid it - must read that marthon thing above)....I loose hours - easily distracted and impulsive - will be researching something, on MN or scraeching off int he car to see something before it would even occur to me to we have no clean towels...ho hum...

But now I just keep the kitchen, lounge and bathroom clean and tidy. kids bedrooms I leave to them - and only insist on a deep clean, declutter and sheet change each school holiday - every six weeks! I iron nothing.

Also changing habits is about just moving to the next step - it is too overwhelming to think you will move to having a pristine house by the end of the day and that it will stay that way forever.

-- make a really big, brain dump list (that gets it out of your head and relieves the pressure) - then allocate into sections - things that need to be done every morning (stick on a load of laundry, unlaod DW) or evening (tidy and clean the kitchen work tops, turn on dishwasher) - and then list out the things that just need doing once a week - and then spread them out each day - so Monday sweep and wash kitchen floor, tues clean bathroom, wed hoover lounge and stairs etc...and dedicate a time for this task 8.30-9am?

My mum who was a neat freak used to say "messy house, messy head" - and for me this is true so that when I am really stressed the house is chaotic - but I now dont worry about that - I know that it will get done at some point.

Sorting paperwork is my issue -- now I just shove it in a file - to take to do at work....have stamps, chequebook env etc in my car!...or I do it when waiting to collect from swimming etc.

More important to schedule the big fun things -- and squeeze the

dull housework in alongside. When I was a SAHM I got less done than I do now that I work FT.

Agreed with deepest.

Additionally, as it sounds as if you are in a stressful situation - take 15 minutes of your day to do something that makes you happy. It might be going for a quick walk, doing a bit of gardening, dancing around the living room listening to music - whatever it is, just make sure you do it! Put it down on the list!

I helped dd sort her whole room yesterday! She got rid of about 50% of her stuff as because we are moving I encouraged her to just keep anything she really loved or used. I would like to do the same with my youngest today but am procrastinating as usual. Rest of family are going to play sports so can you give me some motivation again to get started?!

Is it possible that you just feel a bit passive and lethargic because you haven't got any responsibilities that would require a structure or routine of sorts? I am currently (temporarily) a sahm and have to say that on days when I haven't got any tasks (am volunteering) I feel I am drifting and it's not a good feeling. I also find it a challenge to keep the house clean, yet when I get started I really enjoy cleaning everything meticulously.

I was wondering if it might ight be empowering and inspiring/interesting if you joined a language class and got involved in life outside of the ex pat bubble. Are you in a middle eastern country by any chance? Do you have a maid? I can imagine living away from home (uk) for a long time without any particular ties to your host country could feel disorienting and as if nothing much (other than your loved ones) matter.

I would enroll on a language course and see if you can volunteer outside of your expat setting. Or maybe if you like racing, could you start your own blog? Good luck!