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Original poster

DC bio father and me

36 replies

SeedlessGrapes · 12/04/2014 12:13

Have nc for this and this is first time I have posted in relationships.

The father of DC2 has never met him. He didn't want to be involved. Plenty of backstory but basically he is a twat and I was and obviously still am well and truly under his spell. My counsellor has said he is a narcissistic psychopath but obviously that is just her opinion based on what I have told her. He is definitely a very nasty piece of work though but he is successful and charming and most people don't realise what he is truly like.

DC is now 3 yo. I have tried, unsuccessfully to get him to communicate about DC, he only lives 15 min down the road ffs but nothing. Not at birthdays, Christmases, hospital trips, illness, just not interested at all. He basically says DC is not his and refuses to discuss it or get a paternity test.

What he is interested in however is having sex with me. I haven't slept with him or even seen him since DC was born but he is still this big shadow looming, he texts poking away at me, basically promises to talk about DC etc. then turns out he had no intention of that, just wants to talk dirty or Skype etc. but he uses it as a way to get my attention and have control over me. He threatens to block me if I don't behave how he wants and for some stupid (I know it shouldn't matter) reason I panic if he blocks me as I worry I will need him for something for DC?! (this is stupid as I have had to ask him for help before and he has said no and left us stuffed).

I sent him some photos of DC last night as is Easter holidays and had some nice snaps of him doing fun things. In general he will ignore photos I send every so often not all the time or anything, but won't say anything bad and I think I was clinging on to my imagined scenario where he likes getting the photos and feels proud of DC etc. But I woke up this morning to a text sent at 2am last night saying 'This is the shit you cunt that gets you blocked. Fuck off.' I don't know why I'm so upset. I KNOW he feels like that.

Please don't flame me. I don't even know why I'm posting. I know he just uses me and likes to keep me dangling, I know he has no intention of ever doing anything to make things right about DC (which is why I find it so hard to ignore him I think). I do still feel something, physically, for him although I hate him much more.

How do I move on? Everytime I think I have he pulls me back. I should point out that if he ever said 'yes I'd love to meet DC and be involved' I'd run a mile in order to protect DC from him. I think I'm still hoping for an apology and for him to say he knows DC is his. Like I have in my head that that will make everything ok again?!

OP posts:
Original poster
SeedlessGrapes · 12/04/2014 12:41

To clarify, I'm not upset that he's called me a cunt, I've had worse from him but it's that it's in relationship to DC and he called the photos 'this shit' which I think has got me. I've finally realised how little he is bothered.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeedlessGrapes · 12/04/2014 12:41

relation not relationship auto correct got ahead of itself

OP posts:
fideline · 12/04/2014 12:44

You poor thing.

Obviously you need to stop having sex with him.

You do know you can't make him interested in his child, right?

You sound like you are punishing yourself, this is so self-destructive.

What is stopping you from moving away?

Offred · 12/04/2014 12:52

Is he paying maintenance?

pictish · 12/04/2014 12:57

Of course he's not paying maintenance - he refuses to acknowledge the child is even his!

OP - there aren't the words sufficient to describe what a emotionally defunct individual he is. He's worth shit.

Never ever speak to this creature again.

PatriciaKrenwinkel · 12/04/2014 13:02

Block him. Just do it. He's not going to change - you have 3 years (and more) of history to show you that he's not going to become interested in DS or you.

Imagine how free/relieved/calm you will be without the worry in your life.

Offred · 12/04/2014 13:03

I don't know they can be weird and inconsistent sometimes. Mine signed birth certs and paid through CSA (had no choice at the time as was on IS) but still claimed one dc wasn't his.

I suspect he isn't though, agree.

Was going to suggest she gets maintenance set up through agency while she still has contact with him and then cut him off. If he disputes paternity they will test, if he refuses he will be deemed to have accepted paternity and that matter will be settled. It does need settling for the sake of the dc.

pictish · 12/04/2014 13:04

That's a good idea offred.

Offred · 12/04/2014 13:05

Very, very damaging for the dc as they grow older to put up with "you aren't my child" and the confusion that causes. Absolutely have to get him to either acknowledge or test and that can be done through maintenance service.

RandomMess · 12/04/2014 13:05

Cut ALL contact, block him and move forward with your life.

Offred · 12/04/2014 13:06

That then makes him clearly a failure rather than making it all very subjective and confusing for the dc.

fideline · 12/04/2014 13:07

Preumably the OP is not finding blocking/ignoring/cutting all contact very easy for some reason?

What is stopping you Seedless? Maybe we can help you break it down into more doable tasks?

CoffeeTea103 · 12/04/2014 13:09

Op there is just so much you can blame him for. Yes he might be a narcissist but you can't change that. You can only change the amount you allow him into your life.

If you don't entertain his Skype, communication etc do you not think you won't be as unhappy so much?
It's fair enough to blame someone for treating you this way, but if you are walking right into it time and time again how much can you blame the other person, without taking some responsibility for allowing it to happen?

waltermittymissus · 12/04/2014 13:10

Look you know what you have to do.

He's an abusive prick. Do you want that influence in your dc's life??

Pursue maintenance through CSA. He has an obligation to his child.

Then cut him off. If not for you, for your dc. No good can come of contact with him. He WON'T CHANGE.

Offred · 12/04/2014 13:12

Yes, probably you would benefit from the support of women's aid op with cutting contact. You've done well to avoid having sex with him, really well. I suspect the problem is with cutting contact you may feel you'll be to blame for him not having anything to do with dc.

Dc needs to know who his dad is but he also needs to be protected from someone who is damaging. You need to be protected too. He needs to be forces to acknowledge his son but then kept at arms length - I think you've expressed you know this though.

You probably feel funny about having money off him when he is damaging (I did) but it is important that he acknowledges ds and you are entitled to a contribution even if he doesn't want to be involved with care. It's your ds' money.

fideline · 12/04/2014 13:28

It's your ds' money.

Absolutely true and maybe the closest thing to parenting your DS will get from this horrible man.

You can't change the past, OP, just the future.

mammadiggingdeep · 12/04/2014 13:50

How do you get past it???

By looking at your darling 3 yo, reminding yourself how lucky and priviliged you are to be his mummy, then remember photos of him being called 'this shit'...

Block him and get on with the rest of your life. Before you know it your son will be 18 and these precious years would have gone forever. Do not waste a moment in this (to use his word) utter cunt.

Original poster
SeedlessGrapes · 12/04/2014 14:01

Oh wow, thank you so much for reading.

Right. So no he isn't paying any maintenance. He used to send me cheques for a couple of hundred pound every so often (when I asked) but then I think he realised it made him look like he was admitting paternity / responsibility so he stopped and on the couple of occasions since that I have asked for money when we have needed it he has refused. I don't know why I don't open a CSA case, I think I am nervous that he will somehow manage to manipulate things and lie about me and I'll end up in an even worse place. He has often made threats like that.

To reiterate again, I would NOT want him to have any involvement in DC life. He would no doubt subject him to the same 'you're not good enough' crap, it would just be awful. But I definitely do not have some kind of all of us living together happy ever after scenario fantasy going on in my head.

So why can't I cut contact? I guess it is still mostly because I feel so hurt and wronged by it all. Especially him denying paternity. I STILL feel even with all the evidence

against it he will one day turn round apologise, say he knows he is DC father and admit what a wanker he was to us and that he always thought about his child etc?! I know it sounds stupid and will never happen. I have discussed this with my counsellor and I say I accept this will never happen so there is no point in maintaining contact but deep deep down I still think (hope?) it will.

He is poison. When we don't have contact for a couple of weeks I feel so much lighter and I think less about it after about that much time and I think finally moving on and it's like he knows and then contacts me. And he'll start off nice as pie and within half an hour we'll be ripping chucks out of each other.

It's so destructive. I NEED it to stop. I have done anger letters etc. but still feel bitter I think.

Another reason I carry on trying to make him acknowledge DC is that initially I didn't want DC to have any reason to blame me for father not being there if that makes sense. Now I worry DC will hate me anyway for still being at the beck and call of someone who couldn't give a shit about his child Sad

I have changed my number four times and ended up giving it to him again each time Blush (he has my email and would be difficult to change that address although I suppose I could). I have tried, but am failing miserably.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeedlessGrapes · 12/04/2014 14:03

That last post makes me sound really selfish reading it back. I do just need to grow up, forget about him and concentrate on my DC don't I. Who is perfect and lovely Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SeedlessGrapes · 12/04/2014 14:09

And I know I need to take more responsibility, I know you can't blame another person for everything. Even if they are a twat. Grin I think I just don't want DC to blame me for being an idiot when older.

OP posts:
AuroraSim · 12/04/2014 14:12

You've managed for 3 years without him for DC. Block him, change ur number and move on :)

CoffeeTea103 · 12/04/2014 14:12

Op your kids won't blame you, because they will see their mother who does everything and a very absent father. They will make up their mind for themselves, based on this you don't need to worry too much.

fideline · 12/04/2014 14:41

I don't know why I don't open a CSA case, I think I am nervous that he will somehow manage to manipulate things and lie about me and I'll end up in an even worse place.

He can't beat the system. If he denies paternity, he will be tested. He will be proven to be the father. Take the money and get on with your life. This will also help you with;

So why can't I cut contact? I guess it is still mostly because I feel so hurt and wronged by it all. Especially him denying paternity. I STILL feel even with all the evidence

I think you'll find it very empowering to establish the paternity once and for all and make a stand for your DC's rights. Why don't you make CSA your first positive step?

Offred · 12/04/2014 15:35

Yes, I think it is the new maintenance service that you want though not CSA now.

He can't play the maintenance system. If you open a case they will write to him asking him to acknowledge paternity. If he doesn't respond they are legally allowed to assume he is the father and begin taking steps to get the money. He will also start accruing a debt from when you open the case.

If he responds to say he isn't the father then they will offer him a test to prove it. If he refuses they will assume he is the father and take steps to recover the support.

I don't think you are as bothered about the money as you are about the paternity so he can be as slippery as he likes about paying. I do think it will help give you closure to use the maintenance service to help prove he is ds' dad and he knows it.

Original poster
SeedlessGrapes · 12/04/2014 15:57

Grin and Blush at my epic fail to not disclose DS's gender!

I will have a real think about the maintenance. Moneywise I think we are over the worst and I have hit all the lows with financial problems and associated choices that I never thought I would be dealing with..see all that stuff adds to the bitterness too. I just want him to say sorry! (whilst recognising my own responsibility for the situation Wink )

I think I am subconsciously theorising that if I can get him back on my side and be nice to him I'll get the apology in the end.

I didn't realise maintenance people would push for a test, that's as good a reason as any to go for it.

OP posts: