DC bio father and me

[SeedlessGrapes]

Have nc for this and this is first time I have posted in relationships.

The father of DC2 has never met him. He didn't want to be involved. Plenty of backstory but basically he is a twat and I was and obviously still am well and truly under his spell. My counsellor has said he is a narcissistic psychopath but obviously that is just her opinion based on what I have told her. He is definitely a very nasty piece of work though but he is successful and charming and most people don't realise what he is truly like.

DC is now 3 yo. I have tried, unsuccessfully to get him to communicate about DC, he only lives 15 min down the road ffs but nothing. Not at birthdays, Christmases, hospital trips, illness, just not interested at all. He basically says DC is not his and refuses to discuss it or get a paternity test.

What he is interested in however is having sex with me. I haven't slept with him or even seen him since DC was born but he is still this big shadow looming, he texts poking away at me, basically promises to talk about DC etc. then turns out he had no intention of that, just wants to talk dirty or Skype etc. but he uses it as a way to get my attention and have control over me. He threatens to block me if I don't behave how he wants and for some stupid (I know it shouldn't matter) reason I panic if he blocks me as I worry I will need him for something for DC?! (this is stupid as I have had to ask him for help before and he has said no and left us stuffed).

I sent him some photos of DC last night as is Easter holidays and had some nice snaps of him doing fun things. In general he will ignore photos I send every so often not all the time or anything, but won't say anything bad and I think I was clinging on to my imagined scenario where he likes getting the photos and feels proud of DC etc. But I woke up this morning to a text sent at 2am last night saying 'This is the shit you cunt that gets you blocked. Fuck off.' I don't know why I'm so upset. I KNOW he feels like that.

Please don't flame me. I don't even know why I'm posting. I know he just uses me and likes to keep me dangling, I know he has no intention of ever doing anything to make things right about DC (which is why I find it so hard to ignore him I think). I do still feel something, physically, for him although I hate him much more.

How do I move on? Everytime I think I have he pulls me back. I should point out that if he ever said 'yes I'd love to meet DC and be involved' I'd run a mile in order to protect DC from him. I think I'm still hoping for an apology and for him to say he knows DC is his. Like I have in my head that that will make everything ok again?!

I just want him to say sorry!

He won't.

To expect decency from a man who calls the mother of his child a cunt because she sends photos, well it's never going to happen. But I think you know that.

Recogition of paternity (probably via CSA/CMEC) is the best you're going to get.

You are stronger than you think you are.

Can you just kick the idea of an apology into the long grass, say maybe in 10 years he might have an epiphany and apologise but you're not going to deal with his shit for the next ten years. You're not going to, are you??

I think the text he sent was extremely upsetting. He sounds like a fucking shithead.

No, I'm not going to deal with this shit for the next 10 years. I've already wasted 5 of my best years on it.

Do you think that text sounds as if he really doesn't believe DS is his? Sometimes I think it would be easier to accept and move on from his behaviour if I honestly thought he thought that. I don't think he does though. All the way through my pregnancy up until 8 months he thought it was his and he has alluded plenty of times in convo but v careful to not write down.

What can I do when I get the urge to contact, I've tried lots of distraction techniques, other things I enjoy that list is short have no hobbies and no money

I'm desperate to not keep falling into the same trap. If I go for maintenance it is going to mean a) he tries to contact me b) he's in my head more and I may contact him. I don't want to be vulnerable to it.

I have blocked obviously but it's not like he doesn't know where I live...

It really does not matter what he thinks.

I can understand where you are coming from about wanting him to acknowledge/wanting to believe he genuinely thinks he isn't rather than that he knows he is but is deliberately being horrible.

Thing is the action is the same. You know he is ds' father, he is claiming he isn't. This will be upsetting for ds much more than it is for you, and it is for you. You need him to be made to acknowledge his son and also know that he is choosing to treat him badly.

That can be cleared up by making a claim for maintenance.

You may not get any money if he is really slippery but you'll get an answer about what kind of man he is and a determination about paternity which will become increasingly important to ds as he grows.

Thanks Offred I don't care about the money but I do want DS to feel that I tried and to know legally who his father is and that I am sorry he is a vicious, pathetic little man but that everyone else who knows him loves him and would do anything for him.

I wonder if the basic reason he says he is not the father of your DC is that he realised long before you did that he would have a financial responsibility.
Or am I too much of a cynic ?

Go to CSA. If he really, really does not think DC is his, he will request a paternity test. If he doesn't, you have your answer.

I think you might benefit to signing up to the 'Freedom Programme'
Look it up on line.
It may really help you see him for who he is and also allow you to recognise 'red flags' early on to keep yourself away from abusive men.

He sounds awful OP, and I hope you can find the strength to go NC with him. I would urge you to go to CSA for maintenance - even if you don't need it now, it's actually your DS's money and you could be putting it into a savings account for your DS to help him in later life, or with any hobbies he might want to take up etc etc.