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Original poster

So confused dunno what to do, or who to turn to

48 replies

stevie73 · 11/04/2014 16:43

Im male, in my 40's. Been with my partner over 22 years, lived together last 12 or 13 years. Things have gone stale recently, we both work long and unsociable hours, often away from home. Sex and loving is important to me, but any time it happens its 99% of the time instigated by me, and usually only at the weekend and always morning (only time she feels like it). I want kids too but gf isnt into the idea. I feel the spark has gone over the last wee while, we havent had sex in the last 8 or 9 weeks, kissing is like kissing an auntie at Christmas. We have different tastes in music, which leads me to another part of my dilemma. I have a new friend thru facebook, both of us have very similar tastes in music, like going to gigs etc. and yes she is a female, 3 or 4 years older than me, has twins at 14 years old and she's going thru a divorce. Since talking to her since January (usually about music, telly, anything really) and keeping a long story short, we have become close friends, been at her house loads, for dinner (with and without her kids there), been out at gigs (my partner was asked to every gig but said no as she doesnt like that music) and we have had a great time. Inevitably one time we ended up kissing, it was electric, we both knew it shouldnt happen, her more so as thats how she came about getting divorced, her husband had an affair and moved out. We meet up as friends maybe once a week, always at hers of course, and we cant keep our hands off each other, to be blunt. One time we let both ourselves down and had sex. It was incredible, again we both knew it should not have happened, again we couldnt resist. My friend hates herself for doing it, calls herself a hypocrit and she cant live with the guilt, understandably. I find im now making any excuse to just be with her, in any capacity, if my partner is away at work. I think im totally head over heels in love with this person, and I think she loves me too, although wont commit to her feelings as she knows about my partner and how she felt when it happened to her. But I also love my partner, thing is I dont think Im in love with her.
Im so confused. Am I a two timing scum bag? Am I only human and cant help falling in love? Id hate to hurt my partner, and if we split Id love to remain friends or at least talking terms.
I really need someone to talk to, dunno who to ask.

OP posts:
Clobbered · 11/04/2014 16:48

You're having an affair. What's to be confused about? Don't expect your long term partner will want to be friends when she finds out. You'd hate to hurt her, well obviously not enough to keep you from betraying her. Man up and do the decent thing. What else are you expecting to hear?

glucose · 11/04/2014 16:48

I think it unlikely at this point you will remain friends with your DP...it might happen ...really sad for all of you in this situation.. Prepared to be hammered on this site, if your are genuine...and really need someone to talk too..can you go along to RELATE on your own?

Chocotrekkie · 11/04/2014 16:49

If you were my partner of 22 years and shagging someone else you wouldn't be my friend.

For her sake be honest and treat her with respect. End the relationship as kindly and honestly as possible.

glucose · 11/04/2014 16:51

unlikely OP will "man up" by the sounds of it he doesn't want either woman to get hurt..it is a horrible situation for all of them, and even OP needs support in dealing with this. He was in need of love and affection, and wife didn't give it,another woman has done.

Jan45 · 11/04/2014 16:52

You'd hate to hurt your partner yet you're having an affair....Confused.

Stop messing about two women, decide who it is you want to be with and try and make that happen, stop being a deceitful, lying scumbag, it's really not a good way to be.

And how many times have we year....couldn't help ourselves, it's so bloody booooooooooooring.

glucose · 11/04/2014 16:54

Sometimes it can be just as respectful to end affair and carry on without mentioning it. Man adulter's wives have a fair idea...but don't need to know any more. To a point it is up to her to question too.

Offred · 11/04/2014 16:56

There is nothing wrong with falling in love with someone else. It sometimes happens. It's wrong to carry on an affair behind your partner's back. You don't have room for hoping to be friends or softening the blow now you have acted on your feelings, you simply have to break up with her now.

Also, be aware that affairs are always electric and often this causes people to feel they are in love. Don't expect it to last if the relationship transfers into the real world. Of course it may do but affairs rarely translate into real relationships.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 11/04/2014 17:02

You are a cheat.You are having an affair. You are pathetic.
although wont commit to her feelings as she knows about my partner and how she felt when it happened to her
Bollocks to that. OW knows full well what she is doing and she has no shame or remorse or she would have the decency to break contact with you to give you the chance to sort out or end your relationship with some dignity.
Please stop with the Mills and Boon romance story line.. it doesn't wash with us. Show your partner some respect and end the relationship before she catches you shagging your good "friend".
You say you haven't had sex for 8-9 weeks with your DP. NO because you have mentally withdrawn and are now sticking your penis deep into the OW.
You are rewritting history to justify your behaviour. It's transparent.[hmm

TheGirlFromIpanema · 11/04/2014 17:04

You sound a catch Hmm

Perhaps your partner has been having an affair and that's why she has gone off sex with you....

That's ok though right? I mean, you wouldn't mind would you, if she just couldn't help herself.

Original poster
stevie73 · 11/04/2014 17:09

Thanks for the knives in the back (deserved) but I already feel like shit.

There is no rings in any fingers here, just to clarify. Im not saying its any different, just pointing out she isnt my wife, we are just partners.

I know how you probably feel, but can anyone offer some advice without putting the boot in please?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 11/04/2014 17:13

No you don't, if you felt like shit you'd stop acting like a hormonal teenager and do the decent thing.

You're unreal, she's not your wife, only your partner, what's the difference?

You've been given advice, you clearly do not want to take it.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2014 17:14

Advice ?

Tell your partner what you have been doing and end it with her. Don't let her waste the best years of her life thinking she is with a trustworthy man. Let her find someone who values her properly.

As for as the OW goes..she does not count.

Original poster
stevie73 · 11/04/2014 17:15

TGFI - Im not saying im right doing what Ive done, but if my partner had had an affair I could at least understand how she felt and why it happened.

OP posts:
magoria · 11/04/2014 17:16

Funny how your dry spell and comments about your DP stem back just about as far as when you started talking more to OW.

Typical cheating script. Putting your P down and saying things haven't been right for a while.

You are no better and no decent than any other cheat.

Same old story and excuses.

Original poster
stevie73 · 11/04/2014 17:18

Ive been feeling like this for a long time, well before the new person came on the scene. My relationship is stale, ive tried talking to my partner about it a few times, things improve but then go back as bad as ever within a week or 2

OP posts:
HelpfulChap · 11/04/2014 17:20

Mate, it appears that you are looking for a 'pain free' way out. It is not going to happen.
It sounds like you know what course of action you want to take but are still trying to pluck up the courage to go through with it.
Once you have accepted someone is going to get hurt you can move ahead.
Be a man about it & tell your DP the truth & see where the cards fall.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2014 17:21

Look, it's over with your current partner whether it works out with OW or not

Do the right thing and end it cleanly with her

Or were you hoping to smoothly transition from one soft landing to the next ? That would be shit

Get some balls, FGS

kalidanger · 11/04/2014 17:22

Why not break up with your partner and be with the other woman instead? Seems like the most sensible option.

HollyBrrr · 11/04/2014 17:24

The time for ending things relatively painlessly with your current partner passed when you started having an affair. Now the only thing you can do is tell her the truth, without making shitty excuses for your behaviour, and let her move on to find someone who doesn't deal with his relationship problems by shagging another woman.

Also, if you and OW were feeling so guilty you would never have let things get this far. But I forget, it's 'twoo lurve' and you 'can't help yourselves'. Do you realise you sound like teenagers?

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 11/04/2014 17:24

You need either to stop seeing your friend entirely - no meetings/contact at all and concentrate on rebuilding a relationship with your partner. Or come clean with your partner and end it - tell her why. Don't say there is no one else when there plainly is. You need to decide quickly and act promptly. You need to take responsibility for your actions and whatever decision you make.

I don't think you are necessarily a 'scumbag' but you have acted badly and will cause more hurt and make things worse for all concerned if you let the situation continue.

BigBoPeep · 11/04/2014 17:24

Dude, you've already hurt your partner. Done deal I'm afraid. Now grow some balls and do the decent thing.

Original poster
stevie73 · 11/04/2014 17:26

Lady Macbeth - thank you

OP posts:
Jan45 · 11/04/2014 17:27

Hey folks, it's A ok to lie and cheat if your partner isn't wearing your ring....Shock.

Your views on fidelity are incredibly immature.

I'd put money on it that Stevie will carry on regardless.

Tinks42 · 11/04/2014 17:28

I can personally understand all you've said, life isn't black and white. Unfortunately, one can't get out of something without a certain amount of pain being involved. Im also sure you have a set of balls, being male Smile

Time to do the right thing now though huh. This has shown you that your long time relationship should end.

AnyFucker · 11/04/2014 17:31

Being male does not infer balls moral courage, not at all