So confused dunno what to do, or who to turn to

[stevie73]

Im male, in my 40's. Been with my partner over 22 years, lived together last 12 or 13 years. Things have gone stale recently, we both work long and unsociable hours, often away from home. Sex and loving is important to me, but any time it happens its 99% of the time instigated by me, and usually only at the weekend and always morning (only time she feels like it). I want kids too but gf isnt into the idea. I feel the spark has gone over the last wee while, we havent had sex in the last 8 or 9 weeks, kissing is like kissing an auntie at Christmas. We have different tastes in music, which leads me to another part of my dilemma. I have a new friend thru facebook, both of us have very similar tastes in music, like going to gigs etc. and yes she is a female, 3 or 4 years older than me, has twins at 14 years old and she's going thru a divorce. Since talking to her since January (usually about music, telly, anything really) and keeping a long story short, we have become close friends, been at her house loads, for dinner (with and without her kids there), been out at gigs (my partner was asked to every gig but said no as she doesnt like that music) and we have had a great time. Inevitably one time we ended up kissing, it was electric, we both knew it shouldnt happen, her more so as thats how she came about getting divorced, her husband had an affair and moved out. We meet up as friends maybe once a week, always at hers of course, and we cant keep our hands off each other, to be blunt. One time we let both ourselves down and had sex. It was incredible, again we both knew it should not have happened, again we couldnt resist. My friend hates herself for doing it, calls herself a hypocrit and she cant live with the guilt, understandably. I find im now making any excuse to just be with her, in any capacity, if my partner is away at work. I think im totally head over heels in love with this person, and I think she loves me too, although wont commit to her feelings as she knows about my partner and how she felt when it happened to her. But I also love my partner, thing is I dont think Im in love with her.
Im so confused. Am I a two timing scum bag? Am I only human and cant help falling in love? Id hate to hurt my partner, and if we split Id love to remain friends or at least talking terms.
I really need someone to talk to, dunno who to ask.

you cannot justify what you are doing in any way shape or form

your poor partner - you should have left her years ago if you felt like this. Don't use an OW as an excuse to leave. But of course you would never have left unless you had someone else to run to.

Totally spot on slugseatlettuce, thank you

Well, your new love is going through a divorce so presumably has only recently split from her DH. Quite a coincidence that she should happen upon you, the 'real' love of her life after over 14 years married to the wrong man. And him clearing off with the OW, from what you say, is she really over all the trauma of that?

Oh, and the two 14 year old boys, are they going to welcome some new bloke at breakfast everyday so soon? I wouldn't in their shoes, I'd want a good year or so to get used my DF not being at the table before someone else turned up.

Also I think your DP must be a bit naïve to not think you have something going with new W, I mean dinner dates??? Perhaps she is hoping for you to own up, then clear off with your new P.

You all might live happily ever after but start being more adult, tell DP you have met someone else. See what she wants to do. Move slowly with new P until all the fall out from both your previous relationships is behind you.

From what I can see your long term relationship has staled and you've been drifting apart. Why haven't you tried to work on this sooner?
Now you have another woman in your life it makes it more difficult to make the effort with your partner because like you say you try and fine any way to be with the OW. Its all you can think about I imagine.

You need to make some head space and decide what you really want then go from there. And be honest to yourself and then everyone else involved.

Yes, you are a two timing scumbag! Have some respect for your dp and leave her to find someone who will love and respect her and treat her as she should be treated.

So would the 8 or 9 weeks without sex (plus the time running up to this) been enough for you to leave your partner? Or is the introduction of the new woman the catalyst?
I think the latter. You need to leave your partner - though you should have done this earlier - you can not continue living with her. Do it soon, very soon. God knows what will happened between you and the new woman. It shouldn't matter either way to be honest. You just need to move out and let your ex know the truth. She deserves this, I doubt very much she will be your friend though.

Why did you stay with her if you didn't want to be with her any more?

And if music is important to you then why did you pursue the relationship in the first place? I am a huge music lover and wouldn't entertain the idea of getting together with someone who didn't share my tastes as it's such a huge part of my life.

People drift along, things go stale, sex dwindles - it happens! I wonder whether the kids thing is the real crux here, perhaps?

In answer to your question, you are definitely a two timing scumbag.

My advice is end your relationship with your partner because frankly she deserves way better than you. Also, be honest and admit your affair so she can go and get STI testing.

Yeah these things do happen but I'm wondering if this other woman is as good a catch as you may think. For her to have gone through the pain of being cheated on and then to allow another man to cheat on his partner strikes me as callous, cruel. Maybe she's just exacting revenge somehow.
Either way, leave your partner, move out (not to the other woman's place) and have a long hard think....

Listen, you've not had an affair because your relationship was crap. You've had an affair because you are too cowardly to end a relationship which is unsatisfying for you.

Actually if this ow is someone you really care for doing it this way is risking wrecking that relationship as well.

Agree with others who said you need to cool it with ow while you break up with your current partner properly. If the relationship with ow is worth saving and your current partner is someone you respect the only thing to do is that. And right away.

If your relationship has staled then that's 50 per cent your fault. Did you make the same effort with your partner as you do with ow? Did you get tarted up, have dinner dates and talk regularly ? You get out what you put in, whether that's your career or your relationship.Your comment about understanding if your partner had an affair is a gross under estimation of what the impact would be on you emotionally had you ever discovered she'd been fucking someone else.

In the years you've been with you partner it's preposterous to presume that she has never felt bored , or that no one has ever caught her eye and flattered her. I'm not sure why you feel she has to keep her end of the deal while you help yourself. That's grossly unfair.

Regarding the in love bollocks , I highly doubt this. It's likely you've got addicted to the dopamine hits you get off ow , I call them monkey treats but it's commonly known as flattery , compliments and ego strokes. It's well documented and usually causes a feeling similar to addiction , I suggest you read about it.

The ow sounds like a fuckwit. She bleats about being divorced because of infidelity , but her solution to cope with lack of self esteem is to shove her face into someone else's marriage. How disgusting. Her comments about not being able to cope with the guilt are just that , comments. She's using you , and your partner , to make herself feel better. She'll enjoy the idea she is somehow better than your partner.

As for fucking dinner dates with her kids ,wtf ? How incredibly inappropriate and what must they think ? Poor kids. I know you'll think your having an affair because your somehow special to her , but it's unlikely. Possibly she tried the inappropriate shit with other men and they stayed well clear of her. I don't buy for one minute that she feels bad. Your job , as a man and a partner , is to protect your partner. You haven't done that , you have instead actively invited an aggressor into your relationship and your working with her to hurt your partner. Your partner does not exist to be pissed on by the ow.

If you honestly don't love your partner then leave. It's likely once you do ow will dump you at this point as a big majority of the ego boost for her comes from pissing on your partner , as opposed to how wonderfully you are. Ow is a emotional parasite. She loves you so much she's no problem wrecking your relationship. Bear in mind she's got fuck all to lose.

You are a weak man who is also a coward. Ow in time will despise you for being so weak and gullible. I strongly suggest you spend some time reading about affairs , it's all so terribly predictable and scripted.

It's obvious that kissing and having sex with someone new is dead exciting, I expect it was with your current partner at the beginning of the relationship. This situation has now become a bit tangled. You know it can't continue. You can't have your cake and eat it unless everyone one involved is in agreement. The spark has gone from your current relationship as it very often does after many years together. Now may well be the time to take stock of your life and see if it can work with this new woman but you need to do the decent thing first and tell your partner that it's over. Probably best to stay by yourself for a little while to let the dust settle then contact this new lady again and see what happens. I hope you do not cause too much pain and that all three of you can find some way forward to a more honest and happier life.

It feels like you want permission to leave the relationship you are in. Personally I think that you owe it to your partner to be honest and make a clean break. Ring or no ring, of she believes she's in a committed relationship and you are having an affair then you need to do the decent thing and break up.

You need to decide what you want...one partner (either woman) or two. It sounds like the 'other' woman is going to feel too bad about deceiving your partner, it is tricky for her knowing your partner. As other posters have mentioned your partner also might be having an affair, or simply be very closer to a workmate because they spend more time together, and dont have the stress of family life in common. if you carry on this affair, it will be very pleasurable and exciting in the short term, but potentially can be very painful for you feeling torn in doing the 'right'thing by either woman. I suspect you will be unable to stop yourself...that I am afraid is life...just don't lead your other woman into something that seems like commitment.. but isn't going to turn into that...she is already dealing with a divorce. If you stop seeing her now...she will be hurt already, and also potentially has lost any friendship with your partner. It could be as well just to go with all of it...and let it fade away in its own time. I will now be hammered for this...so am really hope you are genuine.

OP I did something very similar. Said all the things you did, thought all the same things (though I didn't sleep with OM - I disagree that that is 'inevitable' and I'm damn glad I didn't do it). It got very messy, I told DH, it was awful, worst year of my life and it was all my own doing.

Listen to the other posters - they're all right. I couldn't see it at the time but it's blatantly obvious to me now that my feelings for DH changed because I was focusing on OM. In my case working it out with DH was the right thing to do - by some miracle he agreed, though I'll never quite know how given what I put him through. People on here told me the same as they're telling you and I didn't listen, and that was a mistake. Whatever you do, please end it with OW now and cut all contact or it'll get a hundred times messier.

Firstly, she's not your 'friend', she's your other girlfriend.

Secondly, read your own post back, you're not into your partner anymore and you're into your 'other woman' so do what you should have done before 'the inevitable' (?!?!) happened and end it.

Yeah I do take issue with that. It wasn't inevitable, it was a choice you made. If you want to give it a chance to work out with ow and you don't want to really shit all over current DP then it is very important you take responsibility for what you've done.

Finish with your DP. You'll almost certainly regret it a few months down the line when OW has moved on and/or this new relationship has become mundane. Give your DP a chance to get away from a partner who is lying to her and cheating on her. You are not being kind by keeping her in the dark.

I think you need to inform the preschool tbh. I wouldn't want her caring for my child anymore, it's deeply inappropriate.

Oops, wrong thread!

I think you should leave your current partner. You obviously aren't happy and neither is she by the sound of it.

Its unfair for people calling you a scum bag. When women admit to cheating on threads they don't get spoken to like that.

I find the 'no rings on fingers' remark revealing. So after 22 years together it's not proper cheating cos you're not married?