How wouldyou feel about this? Great relationship (15 months) yet only met his 13 year old son three times

[ScapeGoat]

Hi,

As the title says, I'm with a wonderful man - honest, trustworthy and a Mr Dependable type (some might say boring). I feel we have a great relationship and he has said he wants us to grow old together. He is very loving/affectionate and we have a great laugh together.

The problem is, since the start of our relationship, he has said he's told his son all about me etc etc yet I've only met his son 3 times. I understand it is important to take things slowly for the son's sake yet I've reached a point where I feel my bf isn't being honest and is leading me on. I feel I'm not good enough/he isn't invested in our relationship as much as he says (actions speak louder than words).

He never invites me to his house - always stays at mine which is handy as I have dogs BUT an invite for a meal at his would be so nice. He brings food and showers first at his house after work (so doesn't take the piss re using my things). My children are older and moved out.

He has been divorced 8 years and his son lives with his ex (2 miles away). He was taken to the cleaners re their divorce and he only sees his son about once a week now. He is passive re this and she holds all the cards re their son.

Would this situation bother you re his son, or am I reading too much into this? It could be down to laziness on his part yet I feel so hurt that I'm not good enough. When I challenge him about this, he has no answers and just reassures me is committed to me and our relationship.

Please could you put this in perspective?

Wow when I read your post I could barely believe it. I was in an almost identical situation to yours. I believe your instincts are telling you something is up. Mine did and I ignored them. I got the reassurance but it never came to anything. I was even fobbed off with an engagement ring but after seven years I had to end it!

He was just like your guy in nature too. Please don't let it drift like I did. You will feel so angry with yourself. You are worth more than this. Sorry but I identify with you so much!

Thanks Allofaflumble - did you ever get to the bottom of it/answers?

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If you're at the stage where you're talking seriously about being a family and growing old together etc then his DS is part of that family and you should have more opportunities to get to know each other. Same goes for being invited to his home. The way things are set up at the moment it's almost like you're something kept in a separate box to be taken out and enjoyed as it suits. Not part of his life at all. I'm not sure if that means he's leading you on but I don't think you're reading too much into it.

PS. Mine was divorced eight years too. His ex still had keys to the house and let herself in frequently to collect the mail. I never met their step children. I think I was a comfortable presence in his life but nothing more. Their son was 15 when I met mine but I only ever went to his house when son was away! Ex said he would be too upset.

It all seems so crazy looking back. Still hurting over it all and like you felt not good enough.

Hi, sorry no real advice but what I will say is always follow your gut instinct something i learnt the hard way. It may be nothing but i think you need to comfront the issue

That's it Cogito - I'm starting to feel taken for granted. I just don't know what to do. He did a tokenistic invite for a meal at his house after I moaned to him about this, but nothing since.

I don't want to push it re his son, because it should come from him. If any thing he should be persuading me to meet his son, not the other way round.

The problem is, I really love him and there are many plusses to our relationship. It would break my heart to leave him but I'm getting resentful now and it's starting to feel like mindf*ck.

No I never got to the bottom of it. He was very difficult to communicate with. Would say what I wanted to hear I think. I think he hated any kind of confrontation. He was a pleasant man but a bit dense.

As far as I know, he is in exact same position as when I met him. Trouble is he had been the only guy I met who was not a drunk or abusive so I really thought it must mean something. I was so wrong. He was quite happy to drift along just visiting to suit him!

We've all loved people who are wrong for us. :) It's sad but, once you can see there's no future in it, it's best to cut your losses rather than torture yourself waiting for something that isn't going to happen

Thank you for your thoughts

He doesn't like confrontation, happy to take each day as it comes...

Maybe I need to start detaching...just not ready to finish it yet.

Most of the time I convinced myself it suited me too but it irked me that he was so content with me in my compartment to be released for a set amount of hours each week. What was I thinking?? Good luck.

Do you socialise with his friends? Is he open to other people about your relationship?

I think it sounds ok. I would rather have a boyfriend who did it that way than one who was introducing his ds after a month and trying to push the two of you together.

It would be different if his ds lived with him. It could also be seen as positive that he's seeing him every week but not falling out with his ex about it all.

He probably thinks that you would prefer to stay at yours because of your dogs. Practically speaking it is. You brought it up, then you had dinner at his. It's probably done in his mind!

If it bothers you then suggest something you could do with his ds and see what he says. Maybe have a talk about moving on to the next stage in the relationship. What your expectations are.

He doesn't have friends. He is a quiet person socially. Normally that would ring alarm bells but he is very likable/normal. He is quite needy re cuddles/affection at home and holds my hand when we are out. If he's not at work, seeing his daughter, or occasionally on a bike ride with a cycle club, he's at mine. When we went to his work's xmas do - everyone knew my name and who I was.

He doesn't have much in the way of family. He rarely sees his dad - though since re-marrying he is busy with new wives' family. I know this is a sore point for my bf. I've met them once - at their instigation - and got on really well.

I just don't know if bf is lazy/laidback/taking things for granted or what.

He says he loves our relationship/is so comfortable with me/happy. It suites him very well. He's fine if I go out with my friends.

I just feel he is getting so much more out of our relationship than I am. If I'm upset about something, he'll listen and hold me, yet never offers opinions/probe to know more. He takes interest in my day yet doesn't ask about my childhood or deeper stuff than day to day trivia.

Maybe I'm being picky...I just feel I'd regret it if I finish with him as he is a lovely man...

Thank you Savoy

15 months is still early days but you are entitled to feel the way you do, there is a reason for it, but it sounds like you two have got a lot going for you as well though. 3 times in 15 months isn't a lot but I wouldn't define your relationship by it either......I'd hang on in there and talk to him, you're not being rude by wanting to be around him and his family more. Tell him what you've said above, it's not confrontational at all, it makes perfect sense.

Thank you for your reply

I think he may just be very passive. My DH is a bit like this - I lead on everything and he is honestly just really happy to go along with it.

He is completely a creature of habit - could your partner just have got into the habit of seeing you at yours, then he sees his dc on a xx day etc

It honestly wouldn't occur to my DH to change something that he felt was working fine but if I suggest or plan something he is very very happy to go along with it.
Things like my birthday I have made such a fuss in the past that he does now plan things - it's the only time in the year he will book a table for a meal.

If I ask him to do something - anything - he will do it happily but I need to ask.

It's the way we work - only you can decide if this suits you.

Thank you Chocotrekkie - Passive is the word. So is 'reactive' and 'laidback'.

*I just feel he is getting so much more out of our relationship than I am. If I'm upset about something, he'll listen and hold me, yet never offers opinions/probe to know more. He takes interest in my day yet doesn't ask about my childhood or deeper stuff than day to day trivia.

Maybe I'm being picky...I just feel I'd regret it if I finish with him as he is a lovely man...*

This is spooking me out! Oh OP I wish you so much for a positive outcome.

The fear of letting go of a good man kept me in my relationship for 7 years. When we got "engaged" he told me he may be ready to marry in 5-10 years! I am so ashamed that I accepted this. I really thought I should be so grateful to have a man who was kind and did not abuse me.

Your comments re: not wanting to know anything deeper about you resonates so much with me. Mine just was not interested in me, only in how I related to him in the now. I know this would suit some people but I always felt there should be a bit more to an emotional bond.

It is very difficult. My only advice would be not to take as long as I did!

Periodically I would try to bring up the subject of moving forward, but he would just make the right noises and I was so scared of appearing needy and a nag which I am not.

Funnily enough I came across the ring the other day. It makes me sad that I gave so much of my life to hope of change.

Chocktrekkie. at least yours did want to marry you!

Allofaflumble - I'm taking on board your experience. Seven years was a long time to hold on to your relationship yet totally understandable. There is always a pay-off - just depends how long that pay-off is paying off!

I think with mine we do completely connect emotionally - he is always there for me 100% unconditionally.
He knows me better than I know myself and always treats me right.
He puts me and the dc's before himself always.

I think that is why we work so well together - i like to be in control and he isn't bothered.

I think when you are getting on - by that I mean not in your twenties and early thirties etc. or you have had your children, then what is the point of waiting so long. I mean you either know or you don't.

The trouble is, when you are in the mire of it and you really want something to work out, and the man has many good qualities, you just cannot see the wood for the trees.

Many people (including my ex) don't see marriage as important, but it was to me but sadly I did not see that it was my right to feel it was important. I put his feelings before my own and was feeling not "good enough" to commit to.

As I said, I am still upset and angry with myself for hanging around for so long. When it finished he let me go without a blink. That is what hurt so much. All that time. Sorry for derailing your thread.

One of my friends has been in a relationship with a man for around 2 years or so, they have bought a house together, with bedrooms for the children she has never been introduced to and now they are engaged

In her case the children are mid to late teenagers (eldest is an adult now) and she is being told that it is their mother who is obstructing the contact with their father and setting conditions on it. I suspect that isn't true (or at least not the whole picture - both are old enough that they could arrange their own contact with their dad). I think initially he was trying to conceal that he was in a new relationship (just after leaving their mum) because he was also cagey about being seen out with her, though apparently they do now know about her.

Now I reckon either they don't want to see her (not because she's horrible, she's lovely, but because of their own feelings about their parents splitting up) and he is sparing her feelings or he isn't that fussed about them meeting her (or my worse fears for her that he is deliberately not letting her meet people he knew when he was married because he isn't being honest with her or because there was DV)

I feel my friend is expecting him to be a more involved dad to them than he is (insisting they get a big enough house for them to come and stay, encouraging contact, helping to choose Christmas gifts , ) and a more committed partner to her than he would be of his own accord (getting the house, finally getting around to sorting out the divorce, getting engaged etc).

Anyway, back to you, my point is not 'at least you've met his child!' it is that there is a third person to consider here. No matter how wonderful you are, and would be to his child, maybe the child doesn't want to spend time with dad's girlfriend. He only has a limited time with his dad and may not want to share him with you during that time, or is still feeling bad about his parents being divorced etc.

Obviously it is a bit different to my friend's situation where he has somewhat committed to her by buying a house together and getting engaged, but seems to have a less involved father role - yours seems to be a dad with reasonable contact but isn't necessarily seeing you as much of his life as you see him?

But I think the same sort of thinking should apply, you (and my friend) can't live like this indefinitely. I think you ought to have some kind of deadline in your head of how long you are prepared to live like this, and move on if things haven't changed.

My friend does agree that it would be extremely odd to marry him without meeting his children and doesn't intend to - but I don't know how long she's going to wait before telling him she's had enough.

I'm in an almost identical situation with a man who sounds very very similar. Been seeing him for the same length of time as you, and met his children once for 20 minutes in the presence of their mother, his ex.

I feel so upset by this, want us to introduce our children and meet up now and then, just normal stuff, nothing forced.

Like you, it makes me feel crap that he won't do anything about it, I feel worthless, like I'm not good enough to meet his kids, maybe he thinks my dc aren't good enough, all sorts of stuff goes through my mind. It's insulting really.

He managed to arrange this meeting a while ago, but tip toes round his ex and her moods, non stop demands and doesn't seem to have the gumption to say to her he wants us to all meet up. He seems to think he has no right to do or ask her for this, even though her bf met them 4 months into her new relationship. Does that mean he doesn't care about me and our relationship enough?

As someone mentioned above though, what if his dc don't actually want to meet me? This has to be taken into account, he can't force them. I don't know what to make of it. I do know from him that she heavily influences them to not want to do certain things with him, so this could easily be the case.

I really feel compartmentalised, as others have said, and don't know how to move forward with this?

Does the fact that he isn't bothered about pushing for meetings mean he doesn't care enough, or just that he is so passive he can't face another battle with his ex?