How wouldyou feel about this? Great relationship (15 months) yet only met his 13 year old son three times

[ScapeGoat]

Hi,

As the title says, I'm with a wonderful man - honest, trustworthy and a Mr Dependable type (some might say boring). I feel we have a great relationship and he has said he wants us to grow old together. He is very loving/affectionate and we have a great laugh together.

The problem is, since the start of our relationship, he has said he's told his son all about me etc etc yet I've only met his son 3 times. I understand it is important to take things slowly for the son's sake yet I've reached a point where I feel my bf isn't being honest and is leading me on. I feel I'm not good enough/he isn't invested in our relationship as much as he says (actions speak louder than words).

He never invites me to his house - always stays at mine which is handy as I have dogs BUT an invite for a meal at his would be so nice. He brings food and showers first at his house after work (so doesn't take the piss re using my things). My children are older and moved out.

He has been divorced 8 years and his son lives with his ex (2 miles away). He was taken to the cleaners re their divorce and he only sees his son about once a week now. He is passive re this and she holds all the cards re their son.

Would this situation bother you re his son, or am I reading too much into this? It could be down to laziness on his part yet I feel so hurt that I'm not good enough. When I challenge him about this, he has no answers and just reassures me is committed to me and our relationship.

Please could you put this in perspective?

Sorry you are going through this too Blue window. The only thing you can do in the end is confront them or you will end up in your box while it suits them.

I used to think that even though the ex wife was supposed to have been a money grubbing old witch, she still seemed to feature higher up the emotional scale than I did.

Are these men just passive cowards. I hate to feel cynical but it is hard not to sometimes. In the end though, if they are not willing to go forward, you feel as if it is a hollow victory like the op finally getting to eat at his house!

PS. It is hard to accept they are just not that into us! Mine was not and I have the wrinkles to prove it!

Maybe the DS just doesn't want to meet you? Perfectly legit I would say and his choice after all....

This wouldn't bother me personally on the basis that I'd be in a relationship with the person, not his family.

You can't just force everyone into your model of how you think things should be; this is a teenager after all, not a baby.

Of course if it's not working in other ways, that's different.

I'm not sure what it is you would like?

Perhaps you could clarify that in your head and then discuss it with him?

It sounds perfectly pleasant/happy to me.

I've only met my 13 yr old ds three times this week - and he lives with me! I'm not sure what significance you attach to being with his son....

Hi,

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

My problem is, he made it clear he wanted to introduce his son and we could get to know each other. I suppose he raised my expectations too high. If he hadn't told me all that then I wouldn't be feeling let down and not good enough etc.

I challenged him about this on Friday. He couldn't offer explanations only reassurances. I feel he got defensive. He is great in many other ways - very doting/loving/attentive. It's just on this matter, his words and deed don't match! I don't want another tokenistic meeting with his son following our chat. I understand his son is a teenager, but my bf is still insistent he is trying to 'make arrangements'.

I find it mindf*ck - maybe I'm focusing too much on it when everything else is ok...

Yes you are imo. Your posts still read like this child is a pawn in your adult game. If it's that much of a big deal to you, you need to move on.

But if everything else seems to be going fine, you should accept your own analysis of the situation that maybe he raised your expectations too high and it's not going to happen in the short term. In other words, you're probably best to just drop it and keep focussing on your actual relationship.

Thank you for your honesty Helltotheno.

I think insisting that this boy meets you on a regular basis is just....I don't know, well it's wrong. He's a 13 year old boy with a life and friends and feelings of his own. He's not an extension of his father or a part of your relationship with his father. If his dad makes him meet with you regularly then he is putting your needs before his child's so...

You boyfriend is defensive becUse you have put him on a horrible position. What is he supposed to do? What you you do if your 13 year old said he didn't want to meet you? I would end my relationship with someone who was doing that to me.