I'm such an idiot

[UtterFool]

Ok so I'm in for a kicking but here goes.

There seem to be a lot of cheating husbands on these threads but I'm not one of those and neither do I want to be. I love my wife dearly and my two kids so I guess this is simple right?

I've recently started a new job and the company is in dire straights. As such I've been working 60-70 hours a week in an attempt to turn things round (I was head hunted specifically to do this). As part of the job I've been working closely with the customer, who is also supporting the recovery plan. She is an amazing woman, professional, intelligent, great at her job and also has a lovely personality. Till recently I had nothing but the utmost respect for her. I think we get on very well on a professional level and as a group we have socialised i.e. staff night out. As we have many external contractors working on this recovery programme then we often go out for meals after burning the hours as they visit from all over Europe and so like to make sure they're not bored in hotel rooms etc.

Unfortunately I have recently found myself becoming attracted to the customer and it's driving me insane. I have absolutely no intention to do anything about it but is now starting to get me down as I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. I think it's disrespectful to my wife/kids and also the customer but I'm so involved in this job that I don't know what to do.

I really am pathetic and realise I should just get over it but can we really control how we feel about people? I've thought about quitting but this would ruin my career. I am not overly concerned about ruining my marriage (of 15 years) as I will not pursue this in any way, shape or form. However, if I were so in love with my wife then why do I have feelings for another woman? I'm so utterly confused as I feel I'm already cheating on my wife/kids.

Sorry for the long post and I'm already putting on the flame suit. I know I'm in for a load of stick on here but some constructive advice would be appreciated. Thanks

Well emotionally you are. Stop socialising with the customer and go home after work. You're spending all your time and attention on her and not living at home.

I don't get why a customer of your failing company is so heavily invested in trying to turn things around?

You make the choice and reinvest in your wife and family, or you don't. It's up to you.

You're right, we can't control how we feel

But we can control what we think and what we do

So when you find yourself thinking about her, do something else

And make sure all your dealings with her are entirely professional. Only talk about work or general chit chat. Nothing personal .no one to ones.

Clients don't needs entertained every night, they don't get bored in hotel rooms. This is BS. Get your colleagues to entertain this client

If you don't feed this fantasy it will die a death. When do you move onto another project ?

Proximity is key here. It's the key to most new relationships. Take a step back, make sure you are not alone together.

Your head is in the right place. As long as there's no change and an urge to pursue this. Is she, by any chance, a polar opposite of your wife? Personality wise?

Thank you for the kind and considered responses.

I think I made it sound worse than it is. I socialise in a group but don't spend the night chatting to her and if I do chat it's in equal measures with the rest of the group. I can see why going out could be considered to be BS and is a fair comment. However, when we work off site, the customer always pulls the red carpet out to whomever is visiting (not necessarily me either). Fair point though and maybe I should just make my excuses and leave the entertaining to my colleagues from now.

For info, The customer is heavily involved as we are risk sharing partners. Therefore our loss is also theirs so they have good reason for helping us recover.

To be honest I have no idea if she likes me that way or not and am sure she doesn't. She's too professional for that but she is an extremely warm individual. Personality wise she is very much like my wife so is possibly why I'm in such a state.

I am doing my utmost to be professional about it and pay no compliments, flirt or do anything that I think would send the wrong message. The problem is all with me and is making me question myself. It is raising the question that there must be something wrong with my marriage if I'm having feelings for another woman. Yet I'm still very much in love with my wife and very happy so am possibly looking for a crack that doesn't exist.

It is raising the question that there must be something wrong with my marriage if I'm having feelings for another woman.

No, not true at all. But it's better to notice and to challenge these thoughts, than to go with the flow IYSWIM.

GetLean is right about proximity. I'd also add that feeling attraction in these circumstances is just normal human biology in action. Very predictable, really, and not significant in any way.

Feeling is one thing, though, acting is another, and whilst feelings can be tough to control, actions are another matter. Keeping it professional and keeping your distance is the way to go. You have to do your best to change your environment so that you aren't drawn back to the thing you need to avoid.

The same way you'd avoid the pub if you were giving up drinking, you need to avoid this lady outside of the business environment.

I agree with Wyrdy.
Feeling attraction for another is normal. We all do at some point...whether it be a pop star, actor or a colleague. You love your wife and wish to remain married. So you find ways to deal with your colleague professionally. Do you have to work such long hours? Try to make time for your wife even during this busy time. Make sure you go home to hve dinner with your family. Your clients will respect that you are a family man hopefully. Maybe even invite your wife along to socialise one evening.
I find one of my colleagues attractive...he is very obviously handsome. My partner knows about him and we have joked about it. But i make it very clear where my love lies.
Good luck.

You're in awe of her as a professional, not in love with her. You sound as though you love your wife, keep it that way, don't ruin it. If you make the wrong move here it will ruin, not just your career, but your hole life.

Good luck. Chin up, remain professional and the committed employee and husband that you are.

Workplace crushes are normal. It could go away abruptly in a week or it could gradually go away over months or it could suddenly end when one person leaves the job. The keys are don't tell her, don't tell anyone, no lingering glances, no alcohol, no alone time. Also, don't stare at her when she isn't looking because others will notice.

If you don't act on it or don't pursue her, it will fade away. Don't test the waters either just to see if she's receptive (or to see if you still "have it") even if you have no intention on taking it further. It will make things worse. If she finds out and the likes you back, she could escalate things making it harder to resist.

Perfectly normal to be attracted to another person. No significance at all regarding your marriage. Not indicative of problems with that, After the initial infatuation phase of love, it calms down to something calmer, more volitional, and more valuable. Love becomes about making loving respectful choices, and the background of trust and security you build up together. This does not mean sex and excitement have to die, just that you are not in the infatuation stage any more. That is replaced by something more comfortable, and even more special.
To protect your marriage, avoid avoid avoid as much as possible. As others have said, make excuses and go home, don't sit near her if you can help it, take your wife along if you can, be absolutely professional. Distract yourself, do a crossword or put the radio on if you are daydreaming about her. It is a little crush, the less you feed it the quicker it will pass, and it is absolutely not an indicator of problems in your marriage. It will only become one if you choose to let it. You are entirely normal to have your head turned, I'm sure it happens to most people, but it sounds as though you value your marriage so will choose to prioritise it and do the right thing.

If you have an affair with this woman you will pay for it in self respect for the rest of your life.

You seem very au fait with the conventions of mumsnet. Are you a regular reader, and if so, how come? You must be able to write your own responses, surely?

Yes, it sounds like you are in love with your wife, but never see her so you are attracted to the person who is like your wife but who you do get to spend time with.

So find a way to spend more time with your wife.

This issue aside, how do you feel about your wife? If you feel you should work on a few things, then do. If before this, you thought everything was rosy then it probably still is

It is normal to be attracted to other people. Some people are right from the beginning of a relationship. Others are so in awe of their partners that they are blind to other people for years. I was the latter. It really is normal. Acting upon it isn't. The fact that she's like your wife and not an opposite means you haven't had enough of your wife and are looking for something else. It's a good sign

The reason you've developed a crush on this woman is that you spend so much time with her. It's nothing to do with your feelings for your wife. Is there any way you could spend more time at home?

I've had plenty of workplace crushes before - they do fade, and once you stop working with her your feelings will subside.

Just keep a strong sense of boundaries and don't allow any lines to be crossed!

Busy household/ demanding DCs / noise / demands on your time when you want to chill/ distracted DW as she is busy with DCs and household and everyone else's life as you aren't there to do your share

Compared with well dressed/ confident/ able to put full attention on something you are both immersed in (work) / successful in career yet warm /privileged and sophisticated dinners, wine, waiters the lot/ relaxed conversation with educated adults/ confidence boosted (head hunted and good at your job whereas who knows if you are a good dad as you aren't there and it will be many years till you know).

No choice there much

I don't expect you drink much alcohol on the socialising nights, but it would be an idea to become teetotal on these occasions, just so the alcohol doesn't blur your vision and resolve.

Can you take time to have a romantic weekend away with your wife or even a good evening out?

When I was a teenager and facing interviews for university applications, one piece of advice given to me was that if you imagine the interviewer sat on the lavatory with their pants around their ankles, they become less scary at once.

I used it in later years to put me off people I found myself attracted to and didn't want to get involved with. I imagined them straining to pass a stubborn poo, maybe while picking their nose. It's a much better idea than imagining them between hotel bedsheets.

As others have said, it happens. I think it happens if you're unlucky. You meet someone who seems attractive and it does your head in. We can't stop ourselves having feelings we don't want, but we can stop ourselves acting on them, and six months down the line when the attraction has gone, it feels like a wash of relief that nothing happened. It's a really good feeling.

Lavatory. Straining noises. Bulging veins at temples. You can see it if you try.

Excellent point about not drinking alcohol. So many people are cutting down these days, just say you are getting fit, trying to lose a few pounds, having a dry month, given it up for lent , training for a marathon , driving, whatever

Most people are likely to say " good idea, I need to cut down too " than to try to pressurise you to have alcohol. Assuming your colleagues and clients are over the age of 21.

We do a reasonable amount of business entertaining and there's always several in the group who are on soft drinks. It's no big deal

How has your wife reacted to your working 60-70 hours a week? Is she happy to look after the children as something like a single mother or has she been at all grumpy about it? You love her, sure, but are you getting on well at the moment?

It's not that unusual to be attracted to other people whilst in a relationship, it's what you do about it that matters, you say everything is great with you and your wife, are you sure, could you not make things even better so instead of spending time dreaming about your colleague, spend it making your relationship even better than what it already is.

Yes, this happens but you don't have to physically do anything about it, we all have control, no such thing as, it just happened, you make it happen, or not.

No advice but just posted about my own similar dilemma :(

Raven -my DH works these hours all the time, it doesn't necessarily mean a bad marriage. And with respect, having a spouse who works a lot is NOTHING like being a single parent. Some of them have sole emotional, physical, social and financial responsibility for their kids 24/7. Many lone parents find such an analogy insulting

I thought that my husband working away so much was not ruining our marriage, but in hindsight it was. And if he moves out now my life will not change at all; he takes no decisions and I do all the work. I don't find it a poor analogy.

You seem very au fait with the conventions of mumsnet. Are you a regular reader, and if so, how come? You must be able to write your own responses, surely?

Why shouldnt he be on MN? You are, I am! And we could all write our own responses to most things, but we post on here to get others opinions. Why so snippy?

Thanks again to all for not beating me up. It's much appreciated.

I think it's going to be too difficult to respond individually but reading through all the advice, here are some answers/comments.

I've never worked long hours. Till this job I've always been a family man and been home to share the load. We discussed the long hours before I took this job and due to the financial rewards agreed that it would be ok. I would never have taken it if my wife didn't agree. It's not how we do things. Even still, she's been amazing about it and we compensate by my taking a fair amount of time out, weekends away and holidays etc. it seems to be working but I miss spending time with the kids as they've often gone to bed by the time I get home.

I don't drink so getting drunk and doing something stupid is not a factor (although the old drink excuse is BS anyway imho).

As for my wife I don't think I could be happier. We have a very tactile, loving, respectful relationship and I don't think a day goes by without either one showing some sign of affection or telling each other that we love each other. After 15 odd years I'm still in dreamland (apologies if that's cringeworthy).

It's comforting to hear that crushes are normal and that it will pass. To be honest I know this sounds crazy but none of my feelings toward her have been sexual. It's more to do with her personality so have not had the 'between the sheets' fantasy just yet. I'm hoping to nip that one in the bud.

We had a long team meeting today and for the first 10mins I couldn't stop taking a sneaky glance over at her. Then I remembered this thread and had to spend the rest of the meeting looking down at my pad and actually thinking about the meeting. God how ridiculous,but I managed to get out ok. I think I'll have to start thinking of straining poo or something next time!

Thanks again for all the advice. I think I will turn a corner soon but will involve me putting my foot down and doing less hours, as suggested.