I'm such an idiot

[UtterFool]

Ok so I'm in for a kicking but here goes.

There seem to be a lot of cheating husbands on these threads but I'm not one of those and neither do I want to be. I love my wife dearly and my two kids so I guess this is simple right?

I've recently started a new job and the company is in dire straights. As such I've been working 60-70 hours a week in an attempt to turn things round (I was head hunted specifically to do this). As part of the job I've been working closely with the customer, who is also supporting the recovery plan. She is an amazing woman, professional, intelligent, great at her job and also has a lovely personality. Till recently I had nothing but the utmost respect for her. I think we get on very well on a professional level and as a group we have socialised i.e. staff night out. As we have many external contractors working on this recovery programme then we often go out for meals after burning the hours as they visit from all over Europe and so like to make sure they're not bored in hotel rooms etc.

Unfortunately I have recently found myself becoming attracted to the customer and it's driving me insane. I have absolutely no intention to do anything about it but is now starting to get me down as I know I shouldn't be feeling like this. I think it's disrespectful to my wife/kids and also the customer but I'm so involved in this job that I don't know what to do.

I really am pathetic and realise I should just get over it but can we really control how we feel about people? I've thought about quitting but this would ruin my career. I am not overly concerned about ruining my marriage (of 15 years) as I will not pursue this in any way, shape or form. However, if I were so in love with my wife then why do I have feelings for another woman? I'm so utterly confused as I feel I'm already cheating on my wife/kids.

Sorry for the long post and I'm already putting on the flame suit. I know I'm in for a load of stick on here but some constructive advice would be appreciated. Thanks

She does poo, you know. Regularly. And sometimes when she's wiping her bum it goes wrong and she gets it on her hands.

Lovely, so far so normal. Of course you're going to be getting all dreamed-up about someone you patently admire from all angles. It happens when you're breathing the same air ridiculous hours per week: nothing to do with you, or her, or your wife. Pheromones play a huge part, being human plays another large part. It's what you do about it is the key.

When you need to go to the photocopier, choose the normal way instead of the way that passes her desk (the long way). Don't kid yourself, be brutally honest about what you're actually doing, and why (not necessarily about the photocopier, you get my drift).

As you resolutely looked at the desk instead of looking at her (she knew you were looking at her btw), be the same about cutting short any contact time with her to the absolute bare bones. Get home to your wife and lovely marriage and family.

Roll on the end of the contract - when you'll be wiser about workplace crushes (and how to avoid them firing up in future).

Thanks springydaffs

Question though. How does a woman know that someone is looking at them when you don't make eye contact? Am I being really naive here?

It's a tricky one. I've been really analysing this since I started this thread and whilst I don't think I've done anything overly obvious am starting to make plans about little behaviours that could increase/decrease contact (like the photocopier thing). The difficult one is how I do react to her when I pass her in the corridor or when she joins the group etc. I'm a pretty bubbly character anyway but have noticed my enthusiasm rise in her presence. I think this is probably natural too but am trying to tone it down without becoming aloof. I'm thinking that giving her the cold shoulder treatment is going to be even more obvious.

God this is tough going!

oh lovely, you and a million other people! There's nothing new about the way you're feeling, it's bog standard. Just don't take it seriously - it's not significant or in any way special. It's a well-trodden and sordid path.

Yes, you are an IDIOT if you are making excuses to see/bump into her. Playing with fire comes to mind. Dance around a lion and the chances are you'll get bitten - let's hope she's a sensible sort and can see this for what it is.

Women are attuned to attention. She probably thinks 'oh lor, Dick in accounts has got a crush on me, I hope he's not going to make a fool of himself'

Your affair (emotional) started when you were star struck with admiration. Don't be an idiot, step away.

So, you were headhunted to sort out a massive problem, you are the savior, you are rising to the challenge, she is your partner in this heady spirited environment.

There is loads here to set the adrenaline running and within your ego boosted sky high. This is in contrast to your safe homely environment .

Use your new found professional energy to fuel something new at home, too. Take your new inspiration back home instead of ploughing it into a fantasy within your work life.

Good luck!

It isn't tricky. Be aloof if that's all you can manage. There's a huge amount at stake here, a giant amount, which could end in unbelievable and longstanding pain for the ones you love. This is how all affairs start, nothing new about it. You're already well down the path: bail out in whatever way, it doesn't matter.

Hi springydaffs

I think you've misinterpreted me (or I've not explained myself properly). I don't go out of my way to pass her but am thinking about ways to avoid her when I would normally have to pass by. I can take the long way round to places (I could do with the exercise anyway lol).

I don't think I'm anywhere near down the path, except for having these feelings. As I mentioned before, I don't even think she's interested so there's little chance anything would happen, even if I were stupid enough to make my feelings known.

I don't think I'm anywhere near down the path, except for having these feelings

Trust me, YOU ARE. This is how they all start - and you're well down the road. Don't come on here to find a way to talk about the desperately exciting and special feelings you have for this woman, wanting any attention around it to keep that gorgeous feeling going. Thinking about it will not sort it out, it will do the opposite. This is bigger than you, step away, you won't control it by pouring over it.

So anyway, what are you doing on here? Saturday = family time. Be proactive and turn this ocean liner around. Get to it cowboy

I don't think you're an idiot, or an utter fool. I think you're a good man. I think you're an unlucky man to have run into someone you find attractive when you're already happily settled, but I think you're good (and brave) for feeling uncomfortable, conscientious and self-aware enough to have come on here to find out how to deal with it doing your head in.

If you get fluttery or exciting feelings from being around her, text your wife to tell her you love her. Point that feeling in the direction of home; transfer it to where it belongs. Every time.

And at work, just be a gentleman. Kind, courteous, polite, and considerate. No laser-beam eyes, no big soppy eyes, just kindness, manners, and courtesy (and make sure you treat everyone that way, not just her).

(You asked how a woman knows when she's being looked at when no eye contact is being made: trust me, if a man is sitting on the periphery of our vision and doing that intense laser-beam stare, we know.)

These things happen. They can be managed and reduced to pleasant distractions. Have a good weekend, and tell your wife you love her. I know you do, or you wouldn't be on here.

You're working long hours so your wife is bearing the brunt of domestic duties at the moment. All by mutual agreement so that you can both reap the financial rewards... but surely that's the perfect excuse to treat your wife to a surprise romantic weekend away together

Springydaffs

Thanks for the slap round the face. Think I needed it

You're right it is family time and here I am spending it with other people's wives on here. No wonder I'm in trouble

Thank you Bosie

You're obviously not an idiot - you are attracted to someone else - you've recognised it - what are you going to do about it?

You are in control here.

I think the way you are gushing on about your customer is a bit nauseating. I admire other people but I love my partner. If I started having stronger feelings about someone else then I would immediately take steps to reduce contact as I love my partner and this is my most important relationship.

There are lots of people I'm attracted to - if I was single then I would probably have certain choices - but I'm not. Just because I find them attractive doesn't mean I don't love my partner.

It is how I deal with the attraction that reflects on my relationship with my partner. If I don't reduce contact then it says a lot about which is the most important relationship in my life.

Apologies if my gushing is nauseating. You're right though, I'm in control here and will do the right thing to keep my marriage.

I have to say that I've received more positive responses than I could have imagined so thank you all for the kind words and reassurance. Having watched this thread over the last day or so it has occurred to me that even checking the responses is keeping the thought of her in my mind so I'm going to take all the wise advice on board and say au revoir (on this thread at least).

Best regards

Way to go!

Though check back if you weaken. Good luck OP.

This is a weird thing about something in this thread, not only do I have great peripheral vision (the old thing about your mother having eyes in the back of her head) and intuition, but sometimes I wake and my DH says 'what woke you?' and the honest truth is that I woke knowing he was awake looking at me and that's what woke me up.

OP I think you're in the grip of an infatuation, but if you want to keep your life on track you need to get a grip and make sure it doesn't telegraph itself over into your home life (see above)

Just to update...

I've had mixed success with trying to forget about my colleague but have been spending more time at home as advised (dropped down to 50 hours a week at work).

Fortunately my colleague announced that her time here had come to an end so flew back home and will be dealing with things from there. I'm so relieved but also feel quite sad. Not sure what that means but hope it's transient and more to do with my being drained by the whole experience.

Anyway I was home by 7:00pm and sat round the dinner table with the family. It felt great to listen to the kids bickering, my wife rolling her eyes and me trying to calm it all down (really I mean it). I think I'm going to be okay

That's good news. A learning experience for you I think ?

Thanks Kristina

Yes definitely a learning experience!

I've always known but this has confirmed how much I love my wife and kids. I have no idea if my colleague was interested (and don't want to know either) but if she was then having an affair would have been the easiest thing to do. It's been a personal nightmare trying to keep it all bottled up and not letting it affect my working relationship. I'm no saint but doing the right thing isn't easy.

I've also learnt to listen and that you have all been amazingly supportive so thanks

Hi Utter, I think what you are going through is normal. I also think that doing nothing about it is normal. You are married not dead!
Your feelings you have put in your OP are just part of the bumpy road of life and most people go through stuff like this surely? I do, my DH probably does. This too will pass.