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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone tried having sex dates?

27 replies

5yearsandcounting · 10/04/2014 13:05

Have name changed for obvious reasons. My dh and I are desperate to fix the problems in our marriage caused by the disparity in our sex drives. He has the higher sex drive and I know is feeling hurt and rejected and I feel under pressure and guilty for not wanting to have sex as often as he would like.

I know this is a really common problem and searching for advice has lead us to the idea of trying to set aside a night a week where we will definitely have sex. This is supposed to help reassure dh that sex will happen regularly and to reassure me that the pressure is off the rest of the time.

We need to find a way to bring back non sexual intimacy to our relationship as well as sexual intimacy. I know I am distancing myself from him to avoid sending the message that I am interested in sex and I am interpreting his affection towards me as always being sexually motivated. He suggested removing sex from the menu altogether but I think this may make it worse. Does anyone have any experience with this?

OP posts:
Original poster
5yearsandcounting · 10/04/2014 13:06

Have just realised how dodgy my title is! Sorry to disappoint!

OP posts:
HelpfulChap · 10/04/2014 13:08

I only got to five, sorry.

(PS good luck in your quest).

Original poster
5yearsandcounting · 10/04/2014 13:20

5 years married helpful or the 5 in my username?

OP posts:
Jan45 · 10/04/2014 13:30

Sounds like a brilliant idea OP, you sound like you know exactly what you need to do in order to satisfy both of you. Don't have experience myself as we're pretty well matched but I'd do as you propose and take it from there, good luck!

Keepithidden · 10/04/2014 13:54

If it works for you, go for it.

DW and I are in a similar situation to you and your H re: mismatched libidos. I don't think I'd be comfortable knowing that DW would have to have sex with me if she didn't want to though.

Original poster
5yearsandcounting · 10/04/2014 13:59

Thanks Jan. I get what you mean hidden. My dh is worried about that too. I always enjoy it when we do though so I think this will be fine provided we both still make the effort to be romantic and loving too. I'm more worried about it being a bit contrived really. It has become a real problem for us though and we both feel we need to try something. Have you tried anything to help your situation? Definitely open to ideas.

OP posts:
Keepithidden · 10/04/2014 14:11

Sounds like it could work then.

I've tried lots to try and cope with an unfulfilled sex life, yes. Everything from counselling, self help books, CBT, anaphrodisiacs. you get the drift...

We haven't tried much though, I don't think DW sees it as a problem so you're well ahead of the curve compared to me. Let me know if you find your approach successful.

Apocalypto · 10/04/2014 19:14

I have to say I don't have a huge amount of sympathy, or indeed any, with people of any of the three sexes who claim to find huge amounts of sex "necessary".

When your DH was 15, 19, or whatever then unless he's always been irresistible to laydeez everywhere he presumably managed to go for months or even years on end with a lot less sex than he'd like, and frequently none.

Where does this entitlement to shitloads of sex come from? What did he do when he was single? Fap off, I presume. So there you go.

Maybe every time you smash him, he could crack two out betweentimes before coming back for another? Why can't he play the slot machines instead always wanting the poker?

Sorry, can't help with the actual sex dates question, although your thread title did remind me I have a sticky toffee pudding I need to get after. So thanks for that.

Original poster
5yearsandcounting · 10/04/2014 19:26

Charming apocalypto and so helpful! Hidden if it's any consolation I didn't realise it was a problem for a long time either. Unlike the incredibly rude and insensitive poster above my husbands happiness and my own is important to me as well as the healthiness of our sexual relationship. I hope your dw comes around too. Good luck Smile

OP posts:
TheVictorian · 10/04/2014 19:36

5yearsandcounting could you try swinging ? (that way you are not under any pressure to have sex and plus your Dh can get his release)

Charley50 · 10/04/2014 19:42

Hi are you happy with him in other ways? And do you feel he gives you what you need; be it emotional support, the odd night out, cooking a nice dinner every week, or helping to make you come when you do have sex?
I'm asking this as I've noticed that I'm resentful of my DP if I feel he is ignoring my needs but expecting his needs to be fulfilled. When this happens I find it hard to have sex with him, and if we do have sex I find it hard to let go and enjoy it.
If he is fulfilling your needs, so you aren't feeling resentful? If he is fulfilling your other needs.. go for it!

Sex date night sounds good. Will it begin with a night etc or is it you dressing up in sexy underwear for him (and you?). What will make you feel horny? As your DP is horny all the time, effort needs to be put in to what will get you horny.
I've had a glass of wine. Hope I don't sound like Pamela Anderson?!

I truly believe our sexual organs are in our brains.

Charley50 · 10/04/2014 19:43

Well that women's are.

plantsitter · 10/04/2014 19:47

I think I would start dreading sex night and that's no fun for anyone. Could you start with date night with no question of sex? If you have been distancing yourself better to start with the non-physical intimacy IMO.

HillyHolbrook · 10/04/2014 20:07

I think this works as long as they are 'sex dates' and not him crawling into bed whenever he wants and demanding it off you because it's time now. You can be cheeky and playful with eachother and get eachother in the mood throughout the day, and be intimate in other ways too like kiss and cuddle on the sofa beforehand, have a nice dinner, a shower together etc.

If you just say 'on Tuesdays you can have sex with me.' And he makes no effort to turn you on or create a nice atmosphere for you then I think you'll start dreading it. It's hard having mismatched sex drives, and I don't think the partner with the higher one is entitled to sex unless they can help the other person to want it and get excited.

ALittleStranger · 10/04/2014 20:14

I kind of tried it with an ex partner. It didn't work as it didn't address the real problem, which is that our relationship was spent and we didn't really want to sleep with each other anymore.

If you want to keep/work at your relationship I don't think it's a daft idea. Sexuality is like a muscle, if you stop having it it will dwindle away and I do think intimacy is important in a relationship.

MadeMan · 10/04/2014 20:16

"Definitely open to ideas."

Have you tried listening to together?

Original poster
5yearsandcounting · 10/04/2014 20:16

Thanks for the responses. We have talked and talked about this and have finally started listening to each other. He definitely doesn't have a wham bam thank you mam attitude towards this and I realise it could be awkward for us both.

He is really quite romantic when he wants to be and on the whole the rest of our relationship is great. This issue has started to affect other aspects now though and neither of us are very happy, but want to be if that makes sense.

Definitely not up for swinging! This is more about restoring our relationship and rediscovering a more sexual side to it for both of us.

OP posts:
balia · 10/04/2014 21:42

I think his idea has some definite upsides, and I would be reassured by the fact he has suggested it. Take sex off the menu all the other nights of the week. This means you are free to express affection without worrying he will misinterpret it, and so is he. Also I'd suggest you having a night to yourself per week where you reflect honestly on what you want sexually and develop/explore that - and then share with DH when you feel comfortable enough. Sometimes that awkwardness is just about not feeling that you can prioritise your sexual needs as a couple without feeling guilty or dirty.

chrome100 · 11/04/2014 07:28

I do this but secretly, in my head, if that makes sense. I have quite a low sex drive and actually don't like DP making the first move. So I decide in advance that on Saturday morning (or whenever) i'm going to come onto him and have sex. It makes me feel in control and gets me in the mood a bit more. I would never tell him I plan it this way as it's not a particularly romantic approach but it works for me.

Legologgo · 11/04/2014 07:32

Lol at underwear. You are if course a man.

Original poster
5yearsandcounting · 11/04/2014 08:21

I am reassured by his suggestion balia. We still love each other very much but the pressure of a young family and normal day to day life has affected my sex drive. He really has been understanding but it is hard for him too.

Interesting idea to do it secretly. I can see how this would put you in control. Also like the idea that it helps you get in the mood as I was kind of worried it might do the opposite! Having discussed it already it's a bit too late for that for me!

I kind of get the dirty guilty thing too. Where does that even come from? Intellectually I know it's healthy and normal to have sexual preferences and fantasies but that guilt feeling is still there!

OP posts:
ScrambledEggAndToast · 16/04/2014 10:06

Not sure whether I personally would like sex dates. What happens of you really don't feel like it on the appointed night or are ill? Is it postponed til the next day or do you have to wait til next week? Prob best to work on the relationship as a whole and then it can be more spontaneous. Maybe try Relate. If your DH knows that you are trying then he may be able to accept the idea that sex will be more on the menu in the future.

BitOutOfPractice · 16/04/2014 10:18

Hello OP!

Do you know what, I think that you two will be fine. You sound like a loving couple that is communicating well and I firmly believe that is 90% of the battle.

This has got to be worth a try but if it doesn't work, then keep talking. Don't give up

Good luck!

felinesad · 16/04/2014 10:19

My best friend and husband do this and it really works for them. It takes the pressure off everyone.

My now ex used pester for sex nightly and it was a massive turn off for me. I genuinely thought I had some physical problem as I had no libido or interest in sex whatsoever.

Now I am with a new partner I realise that isn't the case at all and it was the constant pressure I felt to have sex that was the turn off.

Would definitely suggest a 'sex date night' if I ended up in the same situation again.

PoundingTheStreets · 16/04/2014 14:07

I agree with PPs that desire starts in the mind. It also starts with yourself, rather than the other person. You have to see yourself as a sexual being who is desirable and desiring before you can expect anyone else to ignite those feelings in you.

To that end, exercise which releases endorphins (chocolate too? Wink) helps, as does time out to relax and rejuvenate (e.g. long, scented, candle-lit baths), clothing and underwear that makes you feel sexy (even if no one else gets to see it), and most importantly a sense of identity which makes you feel unique fulfilled. IMO one of the reasons so many women go off sex after having children is not because of lack of time or tiredness (though the negative effects of these should not be underestimated and do make a difference) but because they forget how to be themselves, rather than mother/domestic caretaker.

Once you've got that established, you then need to look at your relationship. Are there any issues of resentment (not surrounding sex)? In particular the division of labour when it comes to domestic chores can really undermine a satisfying sex life. Cleaning someone else's skids off the toilet/doing all their laundry/doing all the cooking simply casts you in the role of mum rather than partner, and it's hard to feel sexual attraction towards an individual your subconscious sees more as a child than a lover. There's a reason study after study shows that men who do more housework get more sex. I'm only picking on domestic chores because it's a very commonplace one, but it can be anything from a difference in parenting style or how often your MIL comes over. The point is that resentment is damaging, and to remove it you need to bring it out into the open, thoroughly air it on both sides and negotiate and stick to a solution.

If you are already prioritising your own needs as well as having your sex night, I think it will probably work very well because all that's wrong in your relationship is mismatched libido. But if you're just acquiescing to once-a-week sex without any other changes when there are other issues that need dealing with, I don't think it will work at all in the long term.

Best of luck anyway. Smile