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Original poster

Partner does not want children :(

35 replies

starsarahs · 10/04/2014 11:05

Hi guy I broke up with my boyfriend last night as he told me he does not want children and I would love to hear about other people’s experiences of advice on the situation…..

I am 33 and he is 32 – neither of us have children. We have only been together 8months but for me that is long enough to fall in love with someone and I know I want to be with him. Last night he said he had something to tell me and that was he is 100% sure he NEVER wants children. He had avoided telling me as he did not want to break up but a friend of his has encouraged him to come clean which I am grateful to him for. When my boyfriend told me it felt like I had been punched in the face because I want children so badly and I thought we had a future together where that might happen. As this is a deal breaker for me, and I am not getting younger, I called off our relationship. We stayed up crying till about 6am this morning and then I got in the shower and told him to be gone by the time I came out – he was and I heard him sobbing on his way out. I am really devastated but I know I did the right thing by breaking up with him because having children is too important for me. When I asked him why he did not want kids (which is such a shock as he loves children and is obsessed with his nieces and nephews) he said that he has always known that he never wanted them. He likes his independence and freedom and feels he would resent a child for taking that away from him. He also thinks this would make him a bad father including the fact that he is quite flaky and selfish. I of course knew these traits about him as it is something that has plagued our relationship from day one. But the good far out ways the bad with him so I have stuck by him and we have made it work and we were very happy together. I guess what I am secretly hoping for is that he will change his mind and realise that our relationship is more important than his decisions not to have children but I am not stupid and I do truly believe I am just kidding myself.

I would love to hear from a mans point of view especially or anyone who has been through this. I am just so confused

OP posts:
Forgettable · 10/04/2014 11:11

To be honest you will look back and be glad to be well rid of a flaky selfish fellow, 8 months in and you have already had to work through issues, goodness me! 8 months is still honeymoon period, surely?

Lucky escape.

mammadiggingdeep · 10/04/2014 11:18

You've been so brave and strong.

Stick to your guns- he sounded pretty sure and at 32 he's had enough time to think about it.

Move on and find somebody who wants the same as you without having to be coaxed into it!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2014 11:24

To be honest, however much you thought you liked him, he told you he was 'flaky and selfish' and the relationship was already struggling ('plagued' you said) even without children involved. Eight months in if you were already thinking in terms of the good outweighing the bad, that was not a recipe for a happy life. There should be no bad at this stage.

So you've done a brave and wise thing on a lot of levels and, even though it hurts now, you'll come to realise that you've dodged a bullet.

Covalone78 · 10/04/2014 11:29

It could have been the other way - I had a child with exW despite never wanting them (I thought I loved her that much). Monumental cock-up for me, her and DD.

Wish I had had the guts to tell my exW beforehand would have saved huge heartache and distress for all of us

wintertale · 10/04/2014 11:34

It was the right thing to end the relationship. I am a woman and don't want children, for the same selfish reasons like enjoying my independence and freedom. I've had lots of relationships that ended because of this, it's something where you can't really compromise or expect the other person to change their mind. You're young and have time to meet another man who shares your wish to have a family, why waste more time with someone who clearly doesn't?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2014 11:41

I don't think the issue here is children, really. I think what he said probably came as just another example of the selfish attitudes that had 'plagued' the relationship and which the OP had been trying to play down to this point believing herself to be in love. A last straw moment, if you like.

Original poster
starsarahs · 10/04/2014 12:05

Thanks guys i know you are right. When i said selfish ways i did not mean he was a total selfish bastard. He was/is kind, caring generous etc... but he appreciated his own space and i had to learn to give that to him. As you said, probably a lucky escape i just need to accept it!!!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2014 12:14

Few people are total bastards. :) But it's clear from the way you described it that something wasn't right even before the 'no kids' conversation. Glad you trusted your judgement.

TheGrassIsSinging · 10/04/2014 12:44

You have made the right decision. I know several women who have stayed with a man who clearly said he didnt want kids, hoping he would change his mind. None of them did, and those women wasted their thirties crossing their fingers for a miracle.

You have taken your life in your own hands. Good for you.

Bananasandnutella · 10/04/2014 13:06

It's hard but you've made the right decision. My ex was on the fence about kids, but gave in when he realised how much I wanted one. We now have a dd but are no longer together. He said when we had her our relationship changed and he wasn't able to live the life he wanted to. He started his affair with a younger woman, I brought out baby up. Now we are not together.

When you are with someone who wants different things from life, there will always be resentment from one of the parties.

Original poster
starsarahs · 10/04/2014 13:33

That is why i knew i had to finish it because i did not want resentment on either of our sides. Doesnt make it hurt less. I just want him to change his mind! Am i kidding myself?

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/04/2014 13:33

I have stuck by him and we have made it work
That's not a good way to talk about an 8 month relationship.
Well done, you made the right decision.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 10/04/2014 13:34

Yes you are! He's told you very clearly. Believe him!

kentishgirl · 10/04/2014 17:19

Yep, you are kidding yourself. People who don't want kids, know this as strongly as your wanting kids.

There's another thread on here recently about a woman who was told the same thing. She stayed for years, thinking he might change his mind. It's only dawned on her now as she was approaching 40, that he really really wouldn't, and she may have thrown away her most fertile years and never have children.

It's a sad breakup. But there's a clear reason the two of you are not compatible. One day you'll be glad he was honest with you.

Next time, try feeling out their views on children a bit earlier on?

Chunderella · 10/04/2014 18:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Apocalypto · 10/04/2014 18:54

At 32 he knows his own mind and is entitled to his decision.

FWIW I had no desire for children whatsoever throughout a 5-year LTR. The instant it ended I became massively broody. This had been, I think, nature's way of warning me off that particular person, who was thoroughly lovely in many ways but also frankly pretty 'flaky' too.

The children duly followed not long after, with someone else.

If it's been that good for him too, he may repent of this decision, but don't hold your breath.

MichelloBarner · 10/04/2014 19:04

It's a shame it had to end like this when you were happy together and the relationship had so much potential, but he was right to tell you now, (that must have taken a lot of courage) and you were right to end it with him immediately because of it.

There can be no good to come of either of you staying with the other a minute longer and hoping that you can make them change their mind.

You would be wasting one another's valuable time and it will lead to resentment and bitterness in the long run. Accept that now and move on.

ALittleStranger · 10/04/2014 20:18

Well done, you did exactly the right thing.

Although de-friend him on Facebook, as it's not improbable that in a few years he'll be popping up with a younger partner and new DC.

Some people absolutely know they don't want kids. Other people just stall and know deep down they don't want them with their current partner. Neither should be talked into having them.

Bubblicious77 · 10/04/2014 20:30

I went through the same thing a few years back. I was with a guy for two years and we were incredibly happy. I always knew he didn't want kids, but hoped he would change his mind.

In the end I couldn't take the risk so ended it. It was heart breaking as we were very much in love, but in hindsight it was the best decision I ever made.
I am now with a man I love very much and we have a beautiful little girl who is the light of our lives. Trust me you have done the right thing.

Chesntoots · 10/04/2014 22:33

I ended a LTR about eight years ago because the person I was with changed his mind and decided he wanted children. I have never wanted them, and after about six months of increasing pressure, I told him we were over.

There were plenty of other issues too, but this was a massive one.

He has since gone on to have two children and is happy. Me, I have two cats!

I know you feel hurt at the moment, but children are not something that can be compromised on and one of you would have felt pressured and resentful in the future.

Take care of yourself.

NotNewButNameChanged · 11/04/2014 08:33

OP, you asked especially for a man's point of view, so here goes.

I'm a childfree man. I have always known I didn't want children. I have now reached the age of 40 and I still don't. It's not for me. I have been honest in all potential relationships and obviously my dating pool is pretty tiny. I have had two long-term relationships. The latter with a childfree woman, the former with someone who knew my stance right from the get-go but we split up very acrimoniously after 3 years because I didn't want children. She was convinced I would change my mind and it was MY fault that she "wasted" 3 years of her life loving me. I was a "totally selfish bastard" and - the usual favourite - "if you REALLY loved me, you'd change your mind". Funny how that one gets thrown at childfree men by women. I don't think they'd react well if a childfree man threw back "well, it works both ways if that's your attitude - if you REALLY loved me, you'd change YOUR mind!"

Some men DO say they don't want children and later go on to change their mind and have them. But many, many do not. Or they only have children to please a partner and the relationship ends shortly after the kids come along which isn't good for anyone but especially the kids. I don't actually believe it is right for EITHER partner to agree to kids just because the other wants them if the other partner is merely ambivalent. Both partners should absolutely WANT them.

He's been honest, albeit he had to be chivvied into it. And before the relationship got really serious (I assume you hadn't already moved in together after 8 months?). It would have been appalling to leave it any later. Some people say they don't want kids right at the beginning, others leave it a while, because different people take different lengths of time to determine whether dating has relationship potential, short-term, long-term etc.

But, can I please say one thing to everyone? The guy himself said he was selfish for his feelings. His feelings are totally valid. It is NO more selfish to say that you don't want kids than to say you do want kids. It's all about you, whichever way you fall.

Good luck OP. You've done the right thing. For BOTH of you. Please move on and do not think he will change his mind.

Pagwatch · 11/04/2014 08:42

He told you he didn't want children which, given that you desperately want them, means your relationship was incompatible. No one is either right or wrong - it's just not right for the two of you .

To be honest I would try and reign yourself in a bit in future. Talking about being in love and working at your relationship with a flakey selfish bloke sounds like you are trying a bit hard to make your current relationship into The One .
It sounds like you are trying to convince yourself rather than it actually bring true.

Lottapianos · 11/04/2014 09:47

You have done the right thing OP, even though I know it feels heart breaking right now. I'm another child free MNer. Its probably the one issue where there is no room for compromise. You are both entitled to your own strong desires re parenthood. Well done for putting yourself first.

Agree with NotNew that there's nothing 'selfish' about knowing your own mind and making your own decisions

NeoFaust · 11/04/2014 10:00

I'm a guy in a long term relationship - well, not much longer.

First woman I'd imagined having a long lifetime connection with. First woman I'd considered having kids with (and told her I was imagining it, which makes me a hurtful idiot, I know).

Then as I thought more seriously about it, I thought it might be wise to look at parents real experiences, so I started wandering around on Mumsnet.

And now I've had to tell her no; Definitely not, no chance, never.

I want to be with her forever and for her to love me - but children would make that impossible. Now I just wait in limbo for her to end it, which will break my heart and soul. It was still the right thing to do.

MichelloBarner · 11/04/2014 10:25

What so you did want children and reading Mumsnet has made you realise that having children would be disaster?

Blimey. Shock the power of Mumsnet, eh? Confused

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