Partner does not want children :(

[starsarahs]

Hi guy I broke up with my boyfriend last night as he told me he does not want children and I would love to hear about other people’s experiences of advice on the situation…..

I am 33 and he is 32 – neither of us have children. We have only been together 8months but for me that is long enough to fall in love with someone and I know I want to be with him. Last night he said he had something to tell me and that was he is 100% sure he NEVER wants children. He had avoided telling me as he did not want to break up but a friend of his has encouraged him to come clean which I am grateful to him for. When my boyfriend told me it felt like I had been punched in the face because I want children so badly and I thought we had a future together where that might happen. As this is a deal breaker for me, and I am not getting younger, I called off our relationship. We stayed up crying till about 6am this morning and then I got in the shower and told him to be gone by the time I came out – he was and I heard him sobbing on his way out. I am really devastated but I know I did the right thing by breaking up with him because having children is too important for me. When I asked him why he did not want kids (which is such a shock as he loves children and is obsessed with his nieces and nephews) he said that he has always known that he never wanted them. He likes his independence and freedom and feels he would resent a child for taking that away from him. He also thinks this would make him a bad father including the fact that he is quite flaky and selfish. I of course knew these traits about him as it is something that has plagued our relationship from day one. But the good far out ways the bad with him so I have stuck by him and we have made it work and we were very happy together. I guess what I am secretly hoping for is that he will change his mind and realise that our relationship is more important than his decisions not to have children but I am not stupid and I do truly believe I am just kidding myself.

I would love to hear from a mans point of view especially or anyone who has been through this. I am just so confused

It sounds like Neo was uncertain about having children but has now decided its not for him. Nothing wrong with that!

I agree with Neo that Mumsnet has put me off having children aswell haha!

And me actually although I was fairly certain before I became a member

That's a shame OP and I think you are wise to finish now.

I of course knew these traits about him as it is something that has plagued our relationship from day one.

He had made it clear and we are allowed to hope someone will change their minds but it's not fair to be angry if they don't.

If however he is quite flaky and selfish I'm not sure he made great boyfriend material let alone a candidate for fatherhood?

OP I broke up with my exp for the same reasons, he had two children and thought he wanted more with me, but by the time I was ready to start thinking about it he realised he didn't want anymore. It was heart breaking but 18 months later I'm in a new relationship with a guy who wants the same things as me, and I'm so glad I made the choice. I think I could have persuaded him to have kids so that we could stay together, but it would have been so wrong, for me him and any dc. Stick to your guns x

Generally I also think having dc can put any relationship under duress, don't have them with someone who isn't 100pc sure ever, unless you're prepared to end up doing the bulk of the care. Lucky escape op, good luck meeting mr right! Neofaust please end it yourself, you're just prolonging the misery for both of you
.

you made the right decision. Its so brave of you to not take the easier route.

FWIW my DH and I had been together many years, both totally committed to having children, I declared absolutely undying love for him whilst in labour. A year later I could barely stand the man. 9 years of very small children has been extremely tough and at times we have barely concealed our dislike of each other. There have been good times too and we're still married but I cannot imagine going through that period without someone equally committed to me and the desire for a family.

Good luck, many of my friends didn't meet the future father of their children til after they were your age.

He should've told you earlier IMO. Better off without him.

Your mentioning his selfishness and "need for space" and how you learned to put up with it - makes me wonder whether you had an issue with asserting your wishes and caring for yourself as much as your bf IYSWIM?

To be fair, people don't always know, sometimes it creeps up on them. Plus, if you went into every fun date/no-strings relationship laying down the law about whether you did or didn't want kids from day 1, people would think you were a lunatic and run a mile anyway.

It's one of those things that unfortunately there is no cast-iron way around. Occasionally you will fall in love with someone who wants different things in life than you. The best you can ask for is good communication and honesty all the way along, and to respect the other's choices and move along if it doesn't suit you, instead of wasting years of your life and asking for trouble by trying to change their minds, or avoid the inevitable.

This man didn't just come to the realisation, he knew he didn't want to be a father but decided not to tell OP in case she dumped him. Not laying down law to mention early on, plenty of dating websites have a tick box option! Had he mentioned it, OP might well have ended it then with a lot less heartache.