EA marriage - husband has agreed to divorce but wants house

[Holly300]

Advice please! (Sorry long post)
I had a discussion with my STBXH (first time saying that and feels good) last night. I've been wanting to end the marriage for some time and have been plucking up the courage to say something. I finally did and he seems to be in absolute agreement, which I feel very relieved about. He did manage a few digs and put downs of course, but then he is EA so what can I expect!

When it came to talking about living arrangements, he said that he wants to keep the house (mortgaged in both out names) and that he would by me out of my half. The problem is, I don't work but am looking for a job... I wouldn't be able to afford to buy or rent anywhere, so I would have to rent under the council. If you are on housing benefits then you cannot have any savings over £6000 (I think) so kids and I would have to live off of money received from the house, before applying for housing benefit. Seems so unfair that he would be able to keep the house and thrive - he would do it up afterwards and make more money out of it. While the kids and I would have to ultimately live on a limited income with no savings. My earning potential and hours would be capped and I'd be trapped.

He said that I will be in that position whether we sell or not, so it makes sense for him to just keep the house!
I said that I'm not agreeing to anything until I've sought legal advice - which I will.

I'm just sad that after 12 years together (6 married) with 2dc, he's been ea throughout and he was always in control of money. I had no say in anything at all - and it feels like I'll be coming away with no financial stability for myself and dcs

*buy me out

The court can order that you remain in the marital home with the children until they are I think it is 18.

So I'd go down that route if I were you.

You have custody of kids, you keep the house. Isn't that how it goes? (Sure someone is more clued up than me)
Can see why you are getting shut of Mr Thoughtful.

He has fundamentally not changed his underlying emotionally abusive attitude.

Now he wants all the house. He will continue to make the process of separation and divorce as difficult and protracted for you as possible. He will use this as "punishment" against you for having the gall in his eyes in actually leaving him.

DO NOT enter into any mediation with him if it is offered to you. Its never recommended in abusive relationships anyway.

Do seek legal advice, I think what he is telling you here is a lot of old nonsense designed to keep you on the back foot as well as remaining unsure and subservient to him. If he has had control of all the cash I would consider using the services of a forensic accountant.

I would communicate with him only by e-mail from now on and keep such as brief as possible. Talking directly with him just ties you up in knots.

Go and seek advice from the Family Mediation service. Much cheaper than a solicitor and I think you have to go to them now before you can go to court? (Not sure but think that's right from recently.)

Just to be clear following Attila above I meant go and see Family Mediation on your own for advice.

I'm glad you're getting legal advice. There's no rush to agree anything just yet and there will be several options that constitute a fair settlement. The house is only part of it, of course. If he compensates you for your half of the property value he is still responsible for maintenance for the children, plus 50% of their care.... opening up your earnings potential. On top of that, as you don't have an income of your own, there is an argument for spousal maintenance (not very common these days but a potential bargaining chip)

So take your time, don't agree to anything, don't move out, try a few different solicitors if necessary, and you may find you're better off than you currently imagine. Good luck

It depends on how much equity is in the house. If a lot a court could order it is sold and you split the proceeds and move on. If not much equity, you would have more chance of staying.

Ideally you would agree all this between you and just firm it up through solicitors. You will have to rely on him to be reasonable. If he isn't it could be a lengthy and expensive process. Don't move out!!!

You won't receive housing benefit if you have savings over £16K - but if you have between £6K & £16K in savings the amount you are entitled to reduces exponentially.

Go and see a solicitor. His abuse is continuing. He seems to have "forgotten" the kids - even if the house was sold, if you are the primary carer you would get more than 50%.

The OP may not qualify for housing benefit but, with two children and no income, they're going to qualify for a significant percentage of their exH's income on a regular basis, probably plus some tax credits on top which currently don't take maintenance into account. If he's controlling, financially abusive etc he probably thinks the OP won't find out any of this.

Is he a bit thick OP?

Legal advice first! It does depend on the finances but he will have to contribute to housing the children and you are the carer.

Please don't fret, yes divorce means both parties are poorer (usually) but he doesn't get to walk away with his life unchanged..its tough at the start but you will rebuild from here.

Thanks so much for all of the advice and reassurance. I realise that he is still being abusive and will continue to be - it's just him. At times he will seem reasonable and other times I'm sure he will have me wanting to bang my head on the wall. This is our relationship all over!

I said to him that I want to be able to provide and save for our children. His answer was, 'don't worry about that, I'll make sure their futures are provided for,' I can see what he's doing! I don't think he's thick, he just obviously thinks I am!!

Forensic accountant sounds great, but I don't think I'll be able to afford one. He is self employed, so I know how much he pays himself (very little on paper) but I don't know how much he takes home (if you know what I mean) and I've never been privy to this information!

He knows that he'll have to pay maintenance and we're in agreement over his contact with the children.

I want to start divorce proceedings straight away... I feel like I want to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour - for dv/ea, but am worried that citing this reason will encourage bad will from him.

Please use a solicitor. My XH offered to buy me out of my share of the house... the Court awarded me FAR more than he was expecting and the house had to be sold. It's never a 50/50 split when children are involved.

The only way you can provide and save for the children is if you split custody and you both work around it.

If things are that bad, why not have him buy you from the house? As long as you get an equitable settlement, it might be the best option for you. Could you not consider a shared ownership property?

Interesting thread. I am currently considering leaving my (d) h. Calling our last born a f*ing brat that I didn't even want and saying she should be aborted was almost enough reason. Allowing mil to slag me off in from of dd1 and agreeing with her was final nail in coffin. That and him blaming me for him having a heart attack was the cherry on top. Especially as he never had a heart attack.
I have ths same dilemma. We have maybe 150k equity but he couldn't afford to buy me out. 75k isn't enough for me to put down on a new property. If I do a mesher order his 75k will become 125k as I will clear mortgage and he will reap rewards of that.
Such a mess. Good luck op.

"I feel like I want to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour - for dv/ea, but am worried that citing this reason will encourage bad will from him."

From what you describe, bad will is his default setting when he doesn't get his own way. So whatever you do and whatever you say, if it isn't what he wants, there will be some hostility. Forewarned is forearmed and your solicitor will be familiar with the dynamic. It may end up costing more to get out of the relationship with a fair settlement than if you could mediate and reach something amicable, but it'll be worth it.

Definitely go to see a solicitor. There are more options available to you than just staying in the marital home or living in a HA property dependent on benefits.

At some point, however, you may have to make a decision between peace of mind/independence v fighting for a fair settlement. Sadly, they don't always go hand in hand. It may be wrong and reward the undeserving, but sometimes the price of peace is walking away with nothing. Fighting a war you cannot win can ruin your mental health and take away part of your life you can never get back.

That said, never ever make that decision without fully exploring what you can do.

Maintenance may be due in principle but there's no guarantee you'll get it, especially if he's self-employed. Be wary of the man who says he'll pay you only a token amount now (if anything) because he's providing "for their future" in the terms of a fund they can access when they turn 18, etc. If there is any way you can access copies of his accounts, do so.

The trouble with being awarded the house is that it puts you at the mercy of him making his contribution towards the mortgage payments. A ruined credit rating will affect the lower earner, particularly an unemployed one, far more than the the self-employed man who has hidden access to money and can easily re-establish a good credit rating by taking out short-term loans he can repay easily. Personally, I would not look to stay in the house unless you can afford the mortgage yourself, even if the court orders him to pay up. It can always be used as a weapon against you, and while it can work in a broken relationship between two decent people, that's unlikely in a relationship featuring an emotional abuser.

I would make your first priority in all this getting a job. You don't have to rush to sell the house or finalise the divorce - in fact these things usually take ages anyway, so you don't have to make decisions on that right now and certainly not until you've had decent advice.

Once you have a job you can look at future earning potential and see if it's a possibility for you to invest your share of the house (for example) into buying a property of your own (you might be surprised what you can afford with tax credit top-ups under a shared ownership scheme).

Good luck.

don't worry about that, I'll make sure their futures are provided for
Pppppffffhahahaha. Glad you can see through that one. My ex said rubbish like this too. Sorry mateychops, prefer to be in control of my own finances thank you very muchly.

If he can afford to buy you out he has a sizeable asset hidden somewhere. Make an appointment with Citizen's Advice and they can help you understand your financial situation and what benefits you will be entitled to. It won't be as bad as you think. Really it won't.

Also, as you are the primary carer then you are entitled to more than 50% of the house as this is your DCs residence. Plus, pensions are a sizable asset that needs to be taken into account. As you are a SAHM at present chances are you are entitled to some of his pension.

You really do need some financial advice. Start with CAB as it's a free service.

The best piece of advice I received was from a lovely Scottish solicitor from Wiki who told me firmly "DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE." I was on the verge of renting for myself and my DCs. What a mistake that would have been.

Second best advice was to stop doing his cooking and washing. I had been doing both so he was quite content to make our lives horrible while texting his various women. He was really put out that I stopped.

You know that your H is EA so you need to do your research before you decide what to do. Ignore what he says, you cannot trust him. He is not interested in you and the DCs simply his own self-interest.

Sorry for taking an age to reply... Thanks so much for all your great advice.

I will definitely be getting advice - there is no doubt of that. I thought it wasn't right when he said it, but seeing all your replies confirms this.

Of course he is still being ea. He is being very civil with me on a day to day basis, but if we have a discussion, he can't help but drop a few sly put downs in - which would have once had me in tears - I now just tell him that he doesn't need to be nasty, that why should talk like adults! Just doesn't have the same affect on me anymore. Still makes me slightly angry as I can see he is still trying to bash my confidence. It won't work though. How very frustrating it must be for him

Also, he wants to do the divorce without solicitors to save money... But I'm not sure that's a great idea! I think I may be entitled to legal aid due to the dv but this would definitely make it more messy.

I want him to move out but he said he can't afford to. He could stay with his mum but he refuses to. He said he's not going anywhere. I said I don't want to be sleeping in the same bed and he said he could go in the spare bedroom... Problem is that spare bedroom is a tip and full of boxes etc. so he said if I want that, I have to clear it out as he doesn't have time. I will as I have no other choice, but it's a big job.

Utter arse. See a solicitor. Of course he does not want you to use one as he wants to get one over on you.

Stay strong. Is there any record of the dv/ abuse?

What a shitty way to live but you will be free soon. Well done on getting the ball rolling.

It's fine everyone saying "see a solicitor", but they cost a lot of money. They will give you free advice for an hour or so.
The only way you'd be entitled to legal aid because of DV, is if it's properly documented, ie, on police/doctors file

Check out your local council facilities, mediation services and citizens advice

You might actually want to think about selling up, it will be a proper split, he wouldn't have any claim to a new place-
Apparently some mortgage companies do take maintenance payments into consideration

Do you think there is equity in the property?

Good luck, I'm in similar situation

Move all the stuff out of the spare room into his room. Sorted!