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Original poster

No intimacy

32 replies

bordellosboheme · 09/04/2014 23:45

No intimacy for 2 years. Dp sleeps in another room. I have told him I would like us to sleep together, but he doesn't listen. I don't want to split up the family but I can't live like this, what should I do?

OP posts:
babyhinder · 09/04/2014 23:50

Try having date nights and spending time alone together to reconnect on an intimate level and then when the time feels right question him again about sleeping together if nothing has changed after 6 months of trying this then it may never change unfortunately and then I would suggest making that all important decision but if that is what you need to do in the end make sure to take everything into account but try working at your relationship first spending time alone together might help.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 09/04/2014 23:52

Thanks good advice. It is hard to spend any time alone as we have a toddler. And no babysitters nearby! But I will try to think creatively.

OP posts:
Bananasandnutella · 10/04/2014 09:29

I know how soul destroying no intimacy can be. Definitely try a date night. If you can't get a babysitter, put kids to bed early and then have a nice dinner with wine, nice music etc and try to reconnect.

If the effort isn't reciprocated you just need to lay your cards on the table.

If you're like me, intimacy is important and without it it can feel like house mates with little keeping you together as an actual 'couple'.

Good luck Grin

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 10/04/2014 10:02

Why does he sleep in another room? Does he want to reconnect too?

We have a toddler too. We focus on spending or evenings together. DD good to bed slit half 6 then dh and I have dinner and a glass of wine together and then relax, watch a film, generally just be together.
Do you laugh together? Talk about your day? Talk about the news? Anything- I think intimacy needs both physical and emotional connection so just spending time together and talking would probably be a good start.

GuybrushThreepwoodMP · 10/04/2014 10:03

Sorry- autocorrect made that slightly incomprehensible. You get the idea.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2014 11:35

If you want to sleep together and he doesn't that's what you call an impasse. No amount of creative thinking on your part, date nights and so forth will work on a man that doesn't want to know when asked to sleep in the same room as his partner. Realise you want to keep the family together but I suggest you put it to him that, if things carry on the way they are, you don't see much of a future for the pair of you. Currently he's taking it for granted that he can do as he pleases and nothing will change. Think he needs a dose of reality.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 10/04/2014 13:15

Definitely an impasse. He says he's lost his libido and it only comes back after he does extreme sports! Not sure if this is a medical thing, or I'm just not attractive to him, or both. Anyway, I can't waste my whole life ignoring my sexuality.... I so don't know what to do.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2014 13:18

That's a new on on me. Hmm Extreme sports? When he says libido is he talking about a complete mental loss of sex drive or is it a physical/erectile problem? Has he ever volunteered to see a GP about it? Does he even see it as a problem or are you expected to live in a sexless relationship ad infinitum?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 10/04/2014 14:48

I think my weight might be an issue. Last time we were in bed he squeezed my belly and said something about Pilates.Shock however, I'm not that big, and happy in my skin. I'm voluptuous. . he's Not exactly brad Pitt either but I don't hold that against him! When I went away over night to a work conference a while back he was more touchy feely then, but I can't go away over night every time I want sex!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/04/2014 15:40

You've mentioned quite a few different possibilities now... your weight, his libido, the extreme sports connection, absence making the heart grow fonder... When there's so much vagueness and guesswork going on it makes me think the real reason for the problem is being avoided. You need to have a serious talk together, outline the consequences of there being no change and everyone has to be honest about what is really going on.

Darkesteyes · 10/04/2014 15:43

When I went away over night to a work conference a while back he was more touchy feely then,

Smacks of marking his territory to me. "I don't want you but I don't want anyone else to have you"

Apocalypto · 10/04/2014 19:05

Does anyone snore?

How old are you?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 10/04/2014 22:34

No one snores. I'm 37 and he's 49.....

OP posts:
TDada · 10/04/2014 23:02

Play sport together?

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 10/04/2014 23:20

Nope. No sport together. We have gone biking together occasionally.... Or hill walking

OP posts:
Original poster
bordellosboheme · 10/04/2014 23:23

So I just tried to have a conversation with him about it. He basically went silent and grunted or looked at his phone Angry

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 10/04/2014 23:50

Not good enough OP

davrostheholy · 11/04/2014 00:55

He obviously has some kind of issue, either physical or mental. He seems to be avoiding confronting it. I think he will keep with the status quo if you let him. I think you will have to force the issue, and tell him you are deeply unhappy and the marriage is at risk unless he goes to the doctors and talks about it. A bit of a shock to make him realise he HAS to address it and not ignore it.
Extreme sports seems weird to me.
Did he show any erection problems before it stopped ? Or lack of desire ?
Weight gain ? Loss of muscle mass? Lack of "drive" in general? Anxiety perhaps ?
He needs to be checked out physically first, then if necessary mentally.
Total loss of desire in sex and avoidance in the spare room is not normal or natural in a healthy male. Doesn't matter if you have put a little bit of weight on.
I speak as a male who had a bit of ED a few years ago due to Low Testosterone levels (due to a damaged pituitary).
I went to the doctors pronto and it was sorted out.
He needs to get a grip and get down to the doctors. As I say, you might need to shock him out of his denial to get him to do that.

whodhavethunkit · 11/04/2014 05:54

I'm noticing a lot more women on these threads lately saying the same thing - there is a lack of intimacy in their relationships and it isn't coming from them. I'm married to a man who very rarely shows any interest in me sexually unless I initiate. The only factor I can tie it to is that he works hard and is tired. We have 3 kids so I get that, but we can go for months with nothing other than a peck on the lips before he goes to work and one when he gets home. He knows this upsets me. He knows it's caused issues for us, but he does nothing about it. In fact he gets angry at me because it's like I'm 'telling' him. I work out, I keep myself attractive and I've done everything I can in terms of trying to set up date nights, buying toys and lingerie to spice things up, suggesting early nights. Nada. Zip. I love him and I love our life so I just don't know where to go with this either. He has no weight issues (very fit), no anxiety, no affair that I suspect, definitely straight....At times I get very angry and a bit depressed about it all, but I can't split up my family over this. But how do you ever come to terms with the fact that you may never again know what it feels like to be desired, to make love because you both want to, not because you've had to practically beg to....?

I don't know what you can do OP, it's been like this for me for around 8 years and counting....

woozlebear · 11/04/2014 07:45

That's exactly it whodhavethunkit. I just started a v similar thread and my biggest fear in bringing it up with him is that the 'best' outcome that's really likely is that he'll just start faking any desire for me.

Shudder.

Original poster
bordellosboheme · 11/04/2014 09:23

Awful isn't it who! I'm too ethical to indulge in an affair but it does cross my mind.

Good to get the male perspective too here. Well his drive in general is a little low (although when is something he wants to do he finds the energy).

I feel I'm carrying a large burden in general. He's just taken voluntary redundancy, leaving me to shoulder the bread winning, also his help with the housework is so minimal as to be non existent. The relationship is falling part in front of my eyes as far as I can see.

OP posts:
davrostheholy · 11/04/2014 10:12

One of the best quotes I ever heard was "Sex/intimacy is like Oxygen - it's not important until you are not getting enough".
The thing is both of your husbands are happy with the amount there is. You are not. In their minds, its ok, so there is no desire to change.
You want the intimacy that sex brings. For some reason they do not need it. It feels like they are rejecting you on a basic level.
In some ways, it must be harder for women, because its the received wisdom that men are always after sex and women are the "gatekeepers" who allow /deny. In your situation the roles are kind of reversed.
Believe me, I know how you feel though. You want sex / intimacy but you want it with the person you love !!
Men often go into denial if things "aren't working". We have quite a bit of pressure to live up to cultural norms. e.g. Provider, Sexual Prowess, etc.
If something happens to undermine the self image built on those norms then some blokes reaction is to "shut up shop" and withdraw / hide /deny rather than face it.
Have a think about things that could be triggers - did their behaviour change because of a life event or did something physical happen ?
Were they always disinterested and not keen on intimacy ? Some people just are !
In general though I would guess they have some kind of problem and will need your help - gently and patiently at first, or if they don't listen, shock tactics - to get them to address it.
Ultimately though you MAY have to deal with the ball being back in your court if you get the absolute answer "no, I will never change". And then you have to decide if you can live like that for the rest of your life, or if you cannot.
Good luck.

crowdedearth · 13/04/2014 09:04

From a man's point of view, sorry, but I don't know why your husbands aren't interested.. can't quite relate to that. I guess it could be medical? It surely can't be that they're watching 'stuff' on the Internet instead.. who wouldn't want the real thing, at least once in a while?

I'm coming at this from the other side.. I was looking for a topic where it was the intimacy from the women that was lacking; which is what's happening in our relationship.

We've been in separate beds for a few years; that started when we had kids, and it became easier to have her get up with them (stay at home mum) and me being a bit more rested for work. Breastfeeding them didn't help with our intimacy either.. the last thing she wanted after having the child on her boobs, was for me to get anywhere near them!

I can understand all that, but we maybe have sex every 3-4 months, which just isn't enough for me. We have a good relationship together, talk about the kids, laugh & watch TV together, really love our 2 kids, manage a kiss or two (on the lips, but nothing passionate) each day.

We've just started trying to sleep in the same bed again (snoring makes it difficult) so I'm hoping that might help things. But the kids are still up at 6am each morning, so by the time we're in bed, she's knackard & doesn't want me climbing all over her ;)

davrostheholy · 14/04/2014 11:50

Crowdedearth
I sympathise.
How old are the kids ?
You could try dadsnet, but its ...quiet... there.
Sounds like shes tired out / getting her intimacy needs from the kids.
And you've both got in a rut.
In my opinion (before I get flamed). Sooner or later lack of intimacy becomes a problem for one, not the other. That's why the kids ages are relevant. If they are very young, then I would say give it time.
She also has to realise that she has to invest time and effort into your relationship. I have seen it happen (and its not a criticism it's natural!) that women when they have kids put the husband / wife relationship on the back burner. And that is correct- to an extent at least. The problem starts when couple bonding intimacy gets below the minimum for one of the partners. The one getting enough is happy and usually oblivious to the other ones discomfort.
There is no easy answer as everyone is different ! Good luck !

Darkesteyes · 14/04/2014 15:43

We've just started trying to sleep in the same bed again (snoring makes it difficult) so I'm hoping that might help things. But the kids are still up at 6am each morning, so by the time we're in bed, she's knackard & doesn't want me climbing all over her

What about the days when you are not at work Are you getting up at 6am on those days to parent as well. Is she able to have a bit of time on her own while you parent the kids alone for a while?