how honest should i be with new partner about past?

[mummyOF4darlings]

How open should you be when talking about past relationships and sexual encounters? Still a very new relationship and although he knows the situation with the kids dads ive been reluctant to tell him anything else he keeps asking me stuff and its not that i feel uncomfortable talking about it but i dont want him thinking any less of me or thinking that i might be a walk over in anyway (not saying he would but still early days).

So next time he asks me something instead of me trying to change subject and making myself look a twit how do i answer him? Not that i want to keep things from him but its only been a few weeks

If he keeps asking you stuff that's a red flag in itself, sorry.

This conversation does happen in the early days in my experience but it's not something that should be pushed.

And no, you don't have to be honest.
Apparently 6 previous partners is all a new man can handle to hear about about average.

Its not that hes been pushy but we'll be happily talking and will pop something into conversation. Ive had the how many men you been with question which tbh i answered truthfully, it was only when he wanted to know how many of the 12 id been in a relationship with i felt bit embarrased couldnt help think well hes going to be thinking im easy now :/ He just laughed though said he thought i was a good girl

He also asked if i had ever cheated on anyone and i said no but i had years ago i wouldnt do it again ive learnt my lesson well and truly but feel really bad because i know how strongly he feels about it.

Theres other stuff not really about sex but things i dont really want to talk about atm although hes fine with it dont want him thinking im purpously hiding stuff. Hes been really open and honest with me so far (well least think he has, sure there will be things he hasnt told me)

Tell him you don't want to talk about it. Or would prefer to wait to talk about it. S'what I'd do. Because otherwise he won't realise he's making you uncomfortable. I do find asking those questions odd anyway- I wouldn't answer, it's irrelevant. The number of partners and how many were relationships. Fair enough have you ever cheated because that at least could be useful for him to now 'yes in all of my relationships' (although is anyone stupid enough to admit that?).

And that is you being honest, also.

He's way too interested in your previous sexual encounters. I would be v uncomfortable about this. Make it clear what you are and are not happy to discuss then leave it there. If he can't leave it, then he's not a keeper.

I usually operate a don't ask, don't tell policy when it comes to past partners unless of course there's any danger of STDs or they're your DCs dad.

If you aren't happy answering his questions and feel judged, ask why he wants to know or just don't answer. It could be that he's really nosy and wants to know for his own amusement rather than to judge you. I have friends like that.

DP never asked me anything about my past though really, we both see it as this is our current relationship and as long as we are healthy and faithful then the only sexual relationship we need to think about is ours.

I don't have a problem disclosing how many people I've slept if the topic just comes up.
I do object to being hounded for the number. It's happened to me with 2 men and with both I repeated the answer
'More than 1, less than 100' :)
Guy 1 obviously bit off more than he could chew and didn't probe further but guy 2 judged me and jumped to the conclusion it was 99 wanker

I agree with posters above - he he can't leave it then he's not a keeper.

*if he not he he.

It depends if you're talking single, double, or treble digits.

Do not let anyone force or coerce you into talking about anything you don't feel comfortable talking about and that you would rather keep private.

Red flag.

An alternative might be to say something like: "Are you sure you want me to answer that question?" wait for an answer and then be very, very matter of fact/slightly TMI about it: "I've been in x relationships over the years and have had sex with y people. The first relationship I had started when I was z years old, the most recent one ended $ months ago. We don't really know each other well enough yet for me to give you a lot of detail about those relationships, but if there's anything specific you'd like to know, feel free to ask and I'll try to answer."

If you're feeling particularly irritated by the question, you could go for some variation of "$partner1 and I had great sex, though the relationship ended for other reasons", "partner2 loved anal" etc.

I'm coming at this from the angle of someone who has polyamorous relationships; one important communication thing that's generally applicable across relationships is "only ask questions you want to know the answers to" - if you don't want to know a bit of detail, then don't ask about it. If he's going to ask questions like that, then he's only got himself to blame when he gets more of an answer than he's expecting/might actually want.

Poly/Mono regardless, people enter into relationships as they are, formed by all of the experiences that have got them to where they are - previous relationships are likely to be a part of that (previous sexual encounters, perhaps less so). I feel strongly that it's important not to apologise for being who you are, with your life experiences. You are you. You might not choose to share the more complicated/distressing details with a very new partner, but they're still a part of how you got to where you are.

If he isn't motivated by something innocent in asking about this (and I think other people may be right, given he's been asking repeatedly), then call his bluff - be open and unashamed about previous people, but don't give away more detail about those relationships than you feel comfortable doing with someone you don't yet know and see if his reaction tends towards an inappropriate level of possessiveness or not.

You should be as open as you want to be. If the other person isn't happy with it, they aren't the person for you.

I think that unless he is being searingy honest himself, I would just say "a lady never tells" until you know each other much better.

I don't think it's any one else's business how many partners you've had nor what you've done with them, and vice versa. Having said that there might be a time and place when you'd each want to volunteer such information - but again, I think it needs careful thought before you impart these details - they should be on a strictly need-to-know basis.

I'd be totally honest because someone who would judge me wouldn't be right for me and I think it easier to weed out the insecure guys at the beginning than it is to discover they can't handle women who have lives beyond them when my career took off (as an example).

However, I agree it's a red flag. My ex was always very interested and used everything he learned against me. By comparison it seemed to get covered over the years with DH as we talked about things in response to a film/situation with friends.

As an example of how a decent man responds to a high number, my DH joked that he is smug about his sexual prowess as he was the one who managed to keep me interested.

Bit concerned that you're calling him a new partner when it's only been a few weeks...

You're entitled to privacy. Doesn't matter if it's a new boyfriend or your oldest mate, no-one has the right to demand information out of you and you're under no obligation to provide it. Volunteer private information only if you think it's appropriate and only if you feel comfortable about it. Don't be fooled by any 'I'll show you mine if you show me yours' type of exchanges and certainly don't give in to intrusive questioning under pressure.

"Hes been really open and honest with me so far"

What he tells you is entirely his business. Doesn't mean you have to reciprocate.

Agree, red flag. It's none of his business. Mummy, if the figure you give him is more than the number he thinks you should've had he'll probably be judging you negatively ("slag"). If it's less than he thinks, you're a "nice girl" (WTF is that anyway). Whichever it is he's judging your sexual past which I wouldn't like, which is why I never divulge that info. If he's worried about catching an STI he should use condoms and suggest the two of you take a trip to the GUM clinic so you can both be screened.

Red flag!
No matter what you tell him, it will never be good enough.

Hello, thank you all for your opinions. I am going to be more cautious i think with what i say just in case he does have an agenda. I dont think he does tbh hes just very chatty and nosey hes asked me alot about my family and about my relationship with my father who im not intouch with for various reasons, i feel very uncomfortable talking about it and told him so and he appologised

I think im just over thinking things, the last guy i opened up to the only person ive ever spoke about my father and also relationship with my other family members, he screwed me over big time

Im seeing him tonight anyway for a little bit we dont see much of each other so always lots to talk about hes far more chatty than me so i do think he is trying to make convo but i think i will let him know that im uncomfortable with some topics

Tell him that his probing into your past is irritating you and can he pack it in now please.

I dont want to be so blunt though unless i have to

If someone is asking you blunt questions, they deserve a blunt answer. If they're being insensitive or intrusive, they shouldn't be surprised if there's a negative response. Don't make the mistake of thinking that it's OK for others to trample your feelings but that you have to be sensitive to theirs. 'Mind your own business' is a perfectly assertive thing to say...

I would think it was totally uncool if a guy whom I was only really in the early stages of dating asked me how many people I'd had sex with; I'd think it was ungentlemanly, possibly controlling, just a kind of looserish thing to ask. Cringey. What difference would it make, really? I'd never ask it myself, it wouldn't mean anything to me. You're under absolutely no obligation to tell him anything at all.