how honest should i be with new partner about past?

[mummyOF4darlings]

How open should you be when talking about past relationships and sexual encounters? Still a very new relationship and although he knows the situation with the kids dads ive been reluctant to tell him anything else he keeps asking me stuff and its not that i feel uncomfortable talking about it but i dont want him thinking any less of me or thinking that i might be a walk over in anyway (not saying he would but still early days).

So next time he asks me something instead of me trying to change subject and making myself look a twit how do i answer him? Not that i want to keep things from him but its only been a few weeks

Anything which doesn't come out in the early days could well come out later - so i think it is better to disclose.I have learnt the hard way that it is better to be upfront. In the early days they are more likely to accept what you have done(if you judge it to be bad) than they will once the rose tinted specs have worn off.

another one who thinks he's far too invested in your past this early on in the relationship. there's a difference between being chatty and getting to know someone and probing far too much, too soon into personal matters.

if he's already had to apologise for probing too much then he should be aware of this already. it doesn't matter how many previous partners you've had or what family troubles are going on, he shouldn't think less of you for that.

have a strong word with him OP and if he respects your wishes, then he'll hopefully turn out to be a good 'un.

i've never ever discussed my sexual history with dh. obviously he knows about a few of my relationships, as it comes up in conversation about life in general, but he's certainly never asked me and i've never asked him how many partners or what he did with which ones etc. we were both in our mid/late 30s when we got together so maybe that makes a difference. i assume he's slept with 30-50 women, as would guess that's about average, but really wouldn't want to know the details.

My response would be:
Why on earth do you want to know?
I have no desire to know what you have and haven't done before, this conversation is beyond weird.
What would you do if I told you I had slept with so many men, I had lost count, what if it was only 1? Would you judge me on that? If you would judge me, I don't want to be with you, if you wouldn't, why bother asking?

I wouldn't feel comfortable with that at all, and any man who made any suggestion of me being a 'good/bad girl' in relation to my sexual history (not that I'd divulge that info anyway) would be finding himself binned off fairly quickly.

You seem to feel obliged to reveal this info to him, also unwilling to pull him up on asking for it/refusing to be blunt with him. That doesn't sound a good basis for any sort of relationship, and it's worrying that after only a few weeks you're letting him have the upper hand and allowing yourself to be persuaded into revealing stuff you'd rather not, mainly because you think he's been honest with you (which tbh is doubtful).

I think if you want to keep seeing this person (I'd have been well put off him and his chatty sex-based conversations by now if I were you) you need to work on asserting yourself/establishing boundaries etc. Otherwise he will continue to influence you to reveal (and possibly then to do) stuff you feel uncomfortable about....

Anything which doesn't come out in the early days could well come out later - so i think it is better to disclose.I have learnt the hard way that it is better to be upfront. In the early days they are more likely to accept what you have done(if you judge it to be bad) than they will once the rose tinted specs have worn off.

This makes no sense whatsoever.

HOW do details of your previous sex life come out later - unless you've posted online videos, this is generally private information. I've been married 20 years, no details have come out about either of us!

If they are going to judge you, why would you even want to be with them? Who the hell do they think they are, to judge you? Even if you used to go to sex parties, as long as you know you are clean, then that is no business of your new partner, and if something like that came out years later and they dumped you for it, then the relationship was pretty crap in the first place!

I read somewhere.

"More than Mother Theresa but a lot less than Madonna"!

I would never discuss my past with any partner, no matter how long ago, because it is my belief that you are a fresh new person every day and what is done is done. "Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time"...la la la la.

Obviously this does not apply to serial killer etc.

I have no desire to hear about how good their last partner was in bed either (have had this) and find it a real turn off. Like they are trying to prove how irresistible they are. This applies to women too. The sort of thing you might do when you are 15!

My DP and I 'over-shared' in the heady early days, then discovered we were both prone to jealousy pangs and over-thinking things, took ages to -be grown ups- get proper perspective on it - very silly in hindsight! Keep sharing such details to a minimum, it shouldn't make one iota of difference to the here and now.

Very good advice Jocasta. My son and his gf are finding this at the moment, particularly as he over thinks things anyway!

Disclose only that which, if disclosed, you gain by disclosing.

Probably, this means disclose nothing.

Either he wants to hear dirty talk about what you did and what you liked. Or he wants to get out of you information that he can later use in some way.

It is not obvious to me why you'd want to assist him in either effort. In the former case, he should simply ask what you like.

Thank you all, a lot of sence been written here. And i will keep thigs to a limit, saw him last night and no awkward questions which was good.

I still dont think there is anything sinister behind his questions but its always good to be on guard i guess.